Trigger warning for mild depictions of violence and blood/gore (not more than SNK in general though).
Style of writing inspired by SicTransitGloria from way over in the Naruto fandom. Enjoy!
Ephemeral
Petra Ral sweeps into his life like a cool breeze on a humid summer day – her presence welcome, yes, but he'd be a fool not to realize it's a fleeting thing.
She's a beautiful young woman from a middle-class family in Rose, elder sister to a rising diplomat who will inherit the family's wealth instead of her. She's well-mannered and she's got sharp wits and infallible instincts out on the field – could probably do even better in diplomacy than her brother with their fancy words and quick evaluations of political situations.
Levi doesn't know why she chose to join the Recon Corps of all things.
He doesn't know her name until her first expedition is over and half her graduating class is dead. Of the other half, most are limping or wounded or staring off into blank space with haunted looks on their young – too young – faces. But Petra, little Petra Ral – ranked fourth place in her graduating class of the Western division of the Eighty-Seventh Trainees' Squad as he later learns – stands right in the middle of it all, expression grim and determined as Levi's ever seen on a soldier as she winds pristine white bandages around the bleeding stump of her screaming comrade in absolute silence. He doesn't know for how long he watches her but she looks up and sees him then, looks straight into his eyes –
It's at that moment that he knows she won't go down easy.
::~::
He accepts her into his squad after she survives her fourth expedition, and the express joy written across her feminine features almost makes him smile before he remembers that all he's doing is hastening her fatal end in this deadly game against the Titans. He remembers this, so the next thing he does is send her to clean the rooms on the other side of the barracks where he won't have to see her, won't have to feel the guilt that weighs heavy on his heart.
Auruo's obsessed with her from the start – though he'll never admit to it – knows every little detail about her, hangs off her words like stubborn asbestos fibres clinging to curtains. She's got him wrapped around her little finger and Levi half-expects her to play him, to rely on his strength during the first dangerous mission they go into as a squad. But it ends up with Petra saving him from the maw of an Aberrant with one of the most feral, graceless kills Levi's ever seen; ends up with Auruo on his knees and the tiny red-headed girl scolding him – scolding him, in the middle of the forest, Titans merely seconds away! – saying that she'll never talk to him again if he doesn't watch out for his own ass.
Predictably, the incident doesn't help Auruo's infatuation, and Levi sees him falling in love with her that precise moment, with her hair a goddamn mess and blood staining her blades, her hands, her face. Yet even Levi can see that her eyes are unblemished – the hazel of them so unique and so curiously exotic – clear as the open skies outside the walls.
::~::
She's amazed by the northern lakes, and when they dismount for a respite she doesn't even hesitate before wading in up to her knees before turning back, eyes alight with glee – Heichou, Heichou! I can see myself in the reflection! – and he turns away, barking out something about how disgusting her boots are now, sopping wet and stained as they are with mud.
But she just laughs, jogs up to him and grabs him by the arm, tugs him over to the lake. And it's only possible because he's so much in shock, can't remember the last time someone has touched him so easily, so freely, without so much as a single moment of hesitation. She makes him look at his reflection in the water – You should smile more, you know – brushes her thumb against the near-permanent crease between his brows. He looks up at her then and her face colours spectacularly before she stumbles off to find someone else she can infect with her blithe happiness.
Yet he can't call her naïve and ignorant anymore because she's survived eleven expeditions of varying fatality rates, has seen more than her fair share of bloodshed and monsters at the tender age of twenty-one – and he doesn't understand, can't understand how she's still so easily delighted with new things in life. He's seen her covered in blood, blood of Titans and of her own friends, lightning-quick with driving her blades into Titan flesh. He's seen her stare fearless into the eyes of Titan, trusting her comrades implicitly as they rush in on the offense. He's seen her break down, openly sobbing as her best friend Neela dies from a nasty leg infection. And despite it all, it's hardly a week later when she flings herself back into training, perfecting the downwards slice that Levi's shown them just once – maybe twice – fully determined to make herself faster, better, stronger.
On the next expedition when Gunther misses the Titan's weak spot by just a couple of centimeters, she whirls in with ardent purpose in her movements, cuts deep into the nape of the neck, slices the Titan flesh perfectly using the downwards stroke that had up to that point only ever been used by Levi himself.
And oh – oh, there might be a little flutter of hope in his chest now beating against his ribs, hope that she's not just another transient little blip in his life, hope that she might still be there to see the day when Erwin leads them all to freedom.
::~::
She goes on leave for a week to attend her brother's wedding and the entire squad feels different somehow. It's not just the absence of spontaneous baked goods and the rather charming way she bickers with Auruo. It's something more subtle, like the way she gives unexpected compliments to Gunther in the mornings when he's grumpy and irritable; the way she makes sure Auruo doesn't talk while he's eating in the dining hall; the way she sings in the mornings, voice imperfect yet beautiful, just barely audible in the corridor around the corner from her room. It's something like the amicable peace that she brings to the squad, the way she makes them all feel: as if they're not in constant danger of losing their lives.
He's glad when she comes back, though he doesn't show it like the others do. But she doesn't bounce back to her regular cheery self, and Levi suspects that she's doubting her choices, regretting that she decided to join the Recon Corps against the rational alternative of settling down within the walls. He braces himself for her departure.
Yet she goes on the next expedition, and the one after that. She says things like don't you dare forget Heichou's birthday next year, Auruo and don't worry, I'll cut your hair next time, Eld and it makes him realize that's she here to stay, that she isn't leaving – that either she'll die under his command, or she'll survive long enough to see humanity liberated.
It's taken him all this time to muster up the courage to hope for the latter.
::~::
She racks up a total of nine solo kills and forty-two assists. She and Auruo are comparing stats again just outside the stables, arguing about how many assists count for a solo kill, whether or not that one during the previous expedition had been a solo or not.
It surprises him that she's had over forty assists; he can count on the fingers of two hands the number of people who've killed over thirty Titans, be it solo or assisted. But it makes sense, for Petra has been on his team for nearly two years now, and while she's not eager and mindless as Auruo is when he rushes in for a kill, she's never hesitated to help out a comrade. Despite her undeniable skill, she stays back, cautious, watches for any mishaps on her teammates' behalves, protects them if necessary; it makes her one of the most valuable members of his squad.
But just because she's capable doesn't mean he's not prone to worrying. There's frustration in her eyes when he does it but he can't help but to order her out of harm's way, send her to take care of some poor dying sod while he and two cadets fresh out of Shardis' training take on three Titans –
And it's not that he means to do it – he hates how she looks, all grim and upset because she thinks it's because she's not good enough – but he can't bring himself to tell her that it's not for her benefit, but for his. That she's one of the only things he's got faith in anymore, that she's the only person who's remained so pure and so magnificent despite the carnage that surrounds them, that she's the only one who gives him hope that anyone can be sane and unbroken after this hellish nightmare.
::~::
He knows there's something wrong as soon as he sees the sparse blood-stained grass just shy of the forest clearing. A freezing numbness comes over him when he sees Eld – Gunther – Auruo – and oh, please, please not her – not Petra –
She's mangled and broken, limbs contorted at impossible angles, face tilted up –
All he can think when he sees those hazel eyes – listless – and that spread of fiery red hair – still looks so alive – and her face – and oh, there's so much blood – all he can think is I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
And it's a stupid thing to worry about now, but it bothers him that he never knew after all this time why she wanted to join the Recon Corps, why she so desperately wanted to be on his squad – why she wanted to rush to her death – why she couldn't have just settled down somewhere safe within the walls – why she couldn't have kept herself safe –
The hooks expel; the gas propels him through the air, his regrets and his guilt and his grief beating a tainted rhythm against his ribs. Already it feels like it's been ages since he's last seen her smile, like a wisp of a dissipated memory. Yet it all feels so empty and he feels like a fool for having had that hope – that hope that she wouldn't just be an ephemeral memory, because he knew it –
Because he knew that she was too good to be a permanent fixture in his life.
This is the first time I've dipped my fingers into Rivetra, and also a new style I'm trying out, so feedback in reviews is greatly appreciated. You can find me on Tumblr (link in profile), though I should warn you, I am a die-hard Eruri shipper.
Thanks for reading, and Happy New Year!