Losing.
Do you know how hard it is to give up on everything by your own free will when you know that it will be the best and only good thing that you could afford in the last moments of your life ?
I do.
I was never a good guy, or perfect lover. I was just a wreck that breaths, but deep inside me, I wished that I would have some purpose in this life . I just didn't wanted that to be in my last moments.
I hold your hand now, and I know that my life's going away quickly, but I have to say something before the ends.
- Don't give up. Never. Even if I am the one you love, you have to keep going without me. I've never deserved your heart, and now I need to say that I never wished that you grasped mine. I just…
The words were spoken with difficulty, but they hurt the young boy in a deep way. He had given him the best years of his life, stood by his side in his worst moments, and now, all that means nothing. Maybe it was just his mind playing him a trick.
-w..what ?
- I'm sorry…
That was the last words spoken before the loud noise of the door closing. Silence fell toward the oddly white room, where the miserable man layed limp, letting the salty tears fall free. He did it. He'd freed him from his existence, that way he would never grief more than needed, but at the same time, his heart was broken in a million pieces by that harsh words.
He hoped that, if it existed, in another life they could get old together, and love each other deeply, and never, never deny their own feelings again, because no one deserves the pain that he was experiencing.
" Be happy without me and my memories, get old with someone that could take care of you and don't be a burden. You deserve it. I hope one day you'll understand, and that you'll not hate me like you do right now. I'm sorry, but I would never let you do it"
He peeked under his blankets and got a journal. The journal were the one that his lover got him in the month they discovered the disease. That was meant to help him to get in term with himself, since that was a hard time to pass through. In the diary's pages, events of the pasts months were written down, he passed the first pages and, on the last pages his eyes watered. Memories of the events that should probably have been written down on the first pages, the day that he overheard his lover talking with his best friend in the living room of their shared apartment.
"I don't know what to do. I'm certain that if he dies I'll probably follow. I don't see my life without him. I think I'll give up. I promised to him that I would be with him forever, and I don't care if death is in the way.. I just… can't loose him. He's too important… like I said once, the only way that I wouldn't be at his side would be the times that he want it.. if he ask for it. I would be with him in every breath if he let me…"
And so I asked…
That were the last words spoken by that body. He no more breathed or cried or smiled. In his death he were proud of himself for having the courage to do what needed to be done, and patiently waited a moment where they would be reunited again.