Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or any of it's characters, those are the property of Maki Murakami. I am just a fan writing a fanfic about my favorite series so please don't sue me, this is how I show my appreciation. I also do not own the song 'Blue Blood,' the song belongs to X-Japan. If you'd like to read the romanji lyrics as well as the complete, unfragmented translation of the song please visit "http://www.x-japan.de/main.htm".
A/N: Hey minna! It's been so long since I've written a fic (or anything for that matter), I guess I was going through an inspiration drought T-T. My sincerest apologies to anyone that has wanted to read something new from me. I hope this will make up for it. Enjoy!
~My face is covered with blood.
There's nothing but pain,
passing closest to pleasure.~
I can see it again, the moment I pulled the trigger and killed my beloved sensei. Everytime I look at Shuichi the memory replays in my mind like ripples in still water, over and over it's the same thing but at the same time growing in intensity. I'm trying to fight them, but eventually ice shatters, and I know I'm no exception. As much as I want to be with him, I can't trust myself around him.
~I can't tell where I'm going to.
I'm running all confused.
Death himself is coming.~
I've run away again, but this time I've left Japan all together. I know Shuichi will look for me but I also know that Tohma will never let him find me. I can end my exsistence without him ever knowing. I refuse to hurt my pink-haired ball of energy the way Kitazawa hurt me. I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of life.
~Then I see you standing there,
can do nothing but run away.
Following you in my dream.~
I'm back in this horrible apartment, the same place I swore I'd never return to. Some petty thief ran into me on my way here, and even though, to society, the man may be utterly worthless, he did supply me with a means to an end. The gun is cold in my hand, as cold and lifeless as my heart and with just as much potential for destruction.
~Look out! I'm raving mad.
You can't stop my sadness.
The first dream is beginning to flow.~
I try to light a cigarette to calm my nerves, bad idea. The photo sticker on my lighter reminds me of the only person that could possible save me from myself and I suddenly become afraid. I don't want him to see me die, it's the only kind thing I can do for him. My mind is put at ease once more with a single thought, 'He can't find me.'
~(I'll slice my face, covered with blue blood.)
(Give me some more pain.)
(Give me throws of death.)~
My readers would have a fit if they could see me now, a tragic ending to an otherwise perfect love story. They'll eat this up if they ever find out about it. I can see the headline now, 'Famous romance novelist doesn't get his happy ending' or something equally corny. The least they could do let me have some dignity right?
~Tears melt in blue blood.
A blurry, reincarnated form of desire.~
Shuichi will cry if he ever finds out about my suicide, but eventually he'll move on, right? The brat will find someone else to love unconditionally and annoy to no end, he'll find someone who's warm and caring, someone who will love him back without being constantly reminded of their past crimes. That's the type of person my Shu-chan deserves.
~Now a frightened lonely heart
seeks to wander with the passing of dreams.~
I'm afraid again, afraid that Shuichi may move on but in the worst possible way. What if he tries to follow me into death? What if he meets someone who treats him worse than I did? Am I condemning him to pain and death even if I leave him?
~Dance to the sad tragedy as a phantom.
On the awakening form of the stage.~
My life has always been worthless to me, I'm the ultimate pessimist. I don't deserve to be happy, not when I've stolen happiness from so many others. I breathe despair and tragedy, they are always the ultimate main characters in all my stories. This is the only way my life can end, in a grand spectical that even Edgar Allen Poe would find too morbid.
~My eyes overflow again
To disappear, throw away love's gleaming replica.
(Give me some more pain.)
(Give me throws of death.)~
I'm doing it again, I'm hesitating. Every time I think I'm finished with my doubts and am ready to end my life they pop right back up again. Something's stopping me from doing this, something doesn't want me to die. I feel like there's something I need to wait for, something that has to happen before I can make this choice. I don't want to wait anymore, I want to abandon this world filled with false hopes and dreams and fall into the absolute truth of life, death.
~Tears melt in blue blood.
A blurry, reincarnated form of desire.~
My thoughts are getting me nowhere. I've probably been sitting here for hours and I still haven't been able to pull the trigger and end it all. What's holding me back? Why can't I just finish my repentance? [1] I want to die, more than I've ever wanted anything else, or do I?
~Blue tears dance to the tragedy of solitude.
As my heart continues to be soaked.~
I've decided, I won't wait any longer for whatever it is destiny wanted me to wait for. I've never believed in destiny anyways so defying it now really won't hurt me any. My hand flexes around the gun, the muscles in my arm tense in anticipation of raising the black weapon to my temple, but the sound stops me from moving more. He found me, Shuichi actually found me. He's wearing that annoying yet absolutely adorable dog outfit. He's sputtering some nonsense about never letting me go, how if I leave him he'll always find me. His voice somehow calms me and my arm relaxes and my hand goes limp even has he holds his atrocious lyrics in my face. I'm sorry Kitazawa-sensei, but I'm not alone anymore and I need to live, not for myself, but for him. I need to live for Shu-chan.
Well minna, what'd you think? I think this is a much better songfic than Evergreen was. Oh, in reference to the "repentence" I was refering to, Yuki became a writer because that's what Yuki Kitazawa wanted to be which is why Eiri took Yuki as his penname, he was trying to fulfill the dream he stopped his sensei from fulfilling. At least that's my take on it. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the fic and I hope you'll review. Ja ne.