A/N: Have you seen the teasers for Marc Ellerby's new two-page River and Eleven strip out tomorrow? Go check 'em out because this ficlet was inspired by them.
Leave Well Enough Malone
"Riiiiiivah!" the Doctor wailed. "Are you Bookfacing again?!"
River Song snapped up from her mobile. "Absolutely not, Sweetie." She captured his attention with a dazzling smile, all the while pressing post with a gloved thumb.
The Doctor stomped into the console room in the sexy, pouty teenager sort of way that his bowtie-wearing incarnation so excelled at. "Then why does your mother keep making cryptic posts on my wall about whether I 'have the booty'?"
"Why, Sweetie, whatever are you talking about?"
"Rory just Liked it!"
The apples of River's cheeks doubled in size.
"Lies!" the Doctor said, pointing his sonic screwdriver at her. The epiphany came to him a half second before it came to River and he jaunted around the console with his wife hot on his heels, blaster aimed and ready.
River shot the handle off the pinball crank first, melted the wibbly lever fluid container, and finally hit his sonic screwdriver. Too late. It was obvious by the grin—and prompt glare—on his smug little baby face.
"'Do he got the booty?'" The Doctor said, projecting a 3-D selfie of River with what was clearly a derriere dressed in the Doctor's pants in the background. "You took a photo of my bum!"
"No," River said. "You photobummed my selfie, it's your own fault."
The Doctor huffed and began to scroll.
"I wouldn't—"
"'Spoilers: he dooooooon't.' What?!"
"I did warn you."
"I do have the booty!" He wasn't entirely sure the context of what he was talking about, but surely he had it. River liked his booty. Didn't she? She'd never complained before.
River pursed her lips.
Beneath them, the TARDIS vibrated.
The Doctor smacked the console with what was left of his still smoking sonic. It looked more like two silver and green crayons left together on a radiator. "Hush, you! You don't have to side with River every time, she's not your Thief. You could at least have a little loyalty."
River adjusted the blaster against her belt. "I can't believe you hacked my Bookface privacy settings."
"They don't have much in the way of privacy settings in the first place," the Doctor muttered, still scrolling.
"Doctor, you should really sign out now."
"Why? What else are you hiding on here by bad, bad wife?" The Doctor looked pointedly at her and defiantly scrolled a bit faster. "Hey!" he yelped. "Is that Bitey?"
River covered her face with a gloved hand.
"Wait, there's a bunch of them! 'Lolcybermats'? Oh my Rassilon! How come I've never seen these before? River, River look: it's Grumpy Mat! Look at that little sharky-warky frown! 'Can I haz cheekburger?' Hey, remember when Bitey…"
River ground her teeth together on her way upstairs. If he wasn't going to sign out of Bookface, she would. Snark in one-hundred-forty characters was more fun anyway.
leavewellenoughmalone: #IHateHim
The mobile buzzed as she reached the pool.
f1shf1ngersandcustard: #noyoudont