Hey, everyone.

I know there are many of these out there, but I couldn't help myself, I really need something to do until September.

It's Mer/Der, post season six finale. I hope you'll like it.

He was bored. He was still on drugs, very tired, extremely sad and worried, but for now all he cared about was that he was bored.

He had spent the last sixteen days in the ICU.

The first couple of days were a blur, he didn't remember much, only waking up every two or three hours for a couple of minutes to find Meredith sitting right next to him, holding his hand and looking worriedly at him with tears behind her eyes, but with a hopeful and tired smile adorning her face. He remembers feeling confused, and then he remembers the moment it all came back to him, the panic, the anger and the worry that came over him.

After a few days he could finally manage to stay awake for longer periods.

Meredith had told him everything that had happened, how she had seen him get shot, how Cristina had performed her first un-assisted surgery on him and had absolutely rocked it, how Gary Clark had entered the OR while he was under the effects of the anesthesia and how Cristina had kept operating even while the man kept a gun to her head.

She had told him that she had offered herself up hoping that it would save him and Cristina and how Owen had got shot trying to save all of them. He still couldn't believe how clever Avery had been when he had disconnected the wires.

She had also told him that for less than a minute she had thought he was dead. She told him about the fear, the panic, the terror and most of all the emptiness. And with a laugh that sounded very inappropriate for a moment like that one, she had told him about how stupid she had felt after she realized he couldn't have flat-lined in such a short period of time.

She had told him everything that had happened that day. Which explained the hovering and the worry, but he still felt like there was something else she wasn't telling that explained the profound sadness he could see in her eyes. When asked about it, she had said it had been hard to see him get shot, to see him that drained of color, to see him die and then almost die again when his heart stopped. And he remembered when he had been the one who had seen her die, who had seen her face turned almost blue and her chest not moving. He remembered how that had felt like, so he believed her.

For now, though, every thought other than how bored he was being left out of his head. He was an active man, he always had been, but for the last ten or twelve days, he had been lying on a hospital bed, watching TV, drinking water in slow sips, talking on the phone with his sisters and his mother, who had only managed to make a quick visit with Nancy for a few days, and hoping Meredith would get off work soon to have some company. She wasn't required to be working, but he had insisted on it, the place had to keep going.

Now he regretted convincing her. He needed something to do. He wanted to see people other than his nurse and the occasional staff member who would come over to greet him.

He needed to go outside his room.

Lucky for him, his nurse liked him. Besides, he was the chief, she wouldn't say no to him.

"Hello, Dr Shepherd, how are you feeling today?"

"Filled with energy", he said giving her a big smile.

"I'm glad to hear that. You're doing great, Dr Shepherd, I'm sure you'll be out of here in no time. Is there anything I can do for you?" She said while checking his vitals and giving him a friendly smile.

"Actually, Kate, I think you can," he said giving her a look that in any other situation would embarrass him to admit it had been used.

"Of course, Dr."

"I need to go see a surgery, to be with other people, not that your company isn't lovely, but it's been too long. I just need to sit in an OR gallery, you can wheel me out of my room to the closest one and I won't move an inch, what do you say Kate?" There was that look again.

"I don't know Dr Shepherd," she seemed hesitant, but he was pretty sure he could make it.

"Come on, you can leave me there and then go check if I'm ok in an hour, if I'm tired I'll let you know and you can bring me back. Please, Kate."

She looked thoughtful for a few seconds and then, "Ok, is there any surgery in particular you would like to go and see?"

He smiled broadly at her.

"Actually, I heard Sloan's doing this new procedure today. That could be interesting."

"Ok, let me check the time and OR."

"Thanks Kate, you're my savior," he said happily. "Oh and check who's the resident too."

"Wouldn't want Dr Grey to see you're out of bed Dr Shepherd?" She asked with a smirk.

"Let's just keep this to ourselves for a while, Kate, please," he begged and once again gave her his look. At that she just laughed and walked outside to check the board.

As soon as Kate wheeled him into the gallery, he noticed a familiar head down in the OR with her back to him.

"Kate, I thought you said Avery was the one assisting Sloan," he said quietly to avoid the rest of the gallery's attention as he looked at her wife working with Mark.

"They must have switched at the last minute. Do you want to leave, Dr?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "No, it's ok, it's not like she wouldn't have found out anyway, right? It seems like she has the entire hospital looking out for me," he said with a smile and Kate laughed knowingly.

"She kinda is, which means she's going to kill me when she knows I let you do this".

"Go then, before she sees you," he replied with a wink.

"I'll be back in an hour".

"Thank you".

He focused on the surgery Sloan was doing down there.

He missed this. And it wasn't just because of the two weeks he had spent in the hospital as a patient; it was the months he had spent doing paperwork and worrying about lawsuits, budgets and meetings. He liked being chief, he liked being in charge, but he wasn't sure he was willing to keep giving up surgeries. Looking down at Mark he felt so jealous of him, he looked relaxed, in control, happy, he was doing exactly what he liked to do.

Suddenly Mark looked up at him and gave him a questioning look.

"Grey?"

Derek noticed him speaking under the mask, so he started shaking his head and mouthing please, so he wouldn't say anything to Meredith.

"Mmh?" She looked up at Sloan.

Please.

Mark shook his head slightly and smiled.

"Stand a little closer, I need you to hold this, please", he said while giving Derek a look.

Thank you, he mouthed with a smile.

Mark understood, he wouldn't be able to stay in bed for two weeks either.

He went back to looking down at them and following the new surgery step by step. He remembered Isaac's tumor, he remembered the feeling he got when he first saw it, the challenge it all meant, the fear when he had to cut blindly, but most of all he remembered the peace. The silence. He missed that.

"Dr Shepherd, I didn't know you'd be here. It's good to see you're up", Kepner said as she sat down next to him.

He smiled back at April. She didn't call him Chief anymore, which was good. He guessed it had something to do with the newfound…not friendship, but respect, she and Meredith had for each other since the shooting. They had both comforted the other during a difficult time which apparently had created some kind of bond between them.

"Yeah, I needed to get out."

"I heard you're doing pretty well, I'm sure you'll be discharged in no time."

"Yeah, that's what Altman said, let's just hope it's true," he said with a tired smile.

Mark kept throwing quick glances at him. He was probably just worried this would be too much effort for him, but if he kept this going, Meredith was going to notice.

"Dr Sloan, is everything ok? You seem a little distracted," Meredith said while looking up at him, just as he looked down from the gallery.

"Yeah, it's nothing," he said quickly hoping she hadn't noticed.

"What is it?" She said turning around. "What the - you stubborn little - what is he doing here?" She asked while giving Derek a death stare.

He just smiled sheepishly and waved at her. When he saw she wasn't going to let this go, he looked at the time and mouthed five more minutes. She shook her head softly and gave him a look before focusing back on her patient.

"Come one, Grey, cut him some slack, you know what is like to be a patient. It gets old; bed rest is not all it's cracked up to be. Besides, it's Derek, I mean he's building a house in the woods; he goes fishing at five in the morning on his days off, the guy must be getting bored to death."

"I know, I just,"

"Worry. I know, I get it, but an hour sitting in an OR gallery is not going to do any harm."

"I know," she let out a sigh and looked back up at Derek giving him a smile to let him know it was ok. Even if he couldn't see her face, he noticed and smiled back. "Wait, he's been here for an hour and you didn't tell me?"

"Hey, he's the one who secretly got out of bed, don't be mad at me, be mad at him."

Derek laughed as Meredith apparently said something that made Mark look scared as hell.

"How is she doing?" He suddenly heard April ask.

"Huh?"

"Dr Grey, how is she doing?"

He gave her a questioning look, why would she be asking him about Meredith?

"She's…ok."

"That's good. She's strong. She's tough…and so is Dr Yang, they're hardcore. Hardcore surgeons, I mean, Dr yang, she just…kept operating, while that man was pointing a gun to her head and she saw Dr Hunt get shot, that couldn't have been easy."

No, it couldn't have and that's why, in what must have been the most sincere conversation he had ever had with Cristina, he had thanked her for everything. He knew she had done it for Meredith, which made it even more valuable.

"And she just kept going…and did everything absolutely perfect, I mean, I don't think I could perform an entire procedure without and attending, much less with my hands shaking like they were that day. And Dr Grey, she…she thought you had died, she really thought you had died, and she could somehow still find the strength to work on Dr Hunt."

He smiled at April, if Meredith was the one listening to this she would probably be rolling her eyes at her, but he couldn't help to find it sweet. Kepner admired Cristina and Meredith, probably more than she admired himself right now.

"And then, after that, even when she was losing the baby, she was so focused and-"

"What do you mean?"

"Huh?"

"What baby?"

"Your baby."

His heart sank and he looked directly at April.

"Dr Shepherd, ready to go back to your room?"

He nodded slowly and as Kate wheeled him out of the gallery he heard April quietly cursing herself as she realized what had just happened.

Even when she was losing the baby.

Your baby.

My baby.

Our baby.

There had been a baby.

Suddenly many moments from the last couple of weeks started to come together in his head.

The pain he could occasionally see etched on her face when she thought he wasn't looking and the smile she would plaster on after he asked if she was ok; the whispers between her and Cristina those first couple of days; the faraway look she had whenever he woke up, which was always immediately replaced by a smile; the long showers that left her feeling exhausted and from which she always emerged with red, puffy eyes; and most of all the sadness, the deep sadness in her eyes.

"Hey," she said from the doorway. It had been an hour since he had left the surgery and now she was showered, dressed and ready to go home.

"Hi."

"Had fun today? I'm sorry for the hovering, it's ok that you wanted to get out of here, I just-"

"I get the hovering," he said reaching for her hand and making room for her to sit next to him.

"I know you do," she replied with a smile.

"Mer,"

"Mmh?"

"You were pregnant."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. He didn't sound angry or accusing, just confused.

She felt her eyes fill with tears for the millionth time since it happened as she looked at him with wide eyes. She knew it had been a stupid move to hide this from him for so long; she hadn't wanted him finding out through someone else.

"Mer," he repeated while stroking her leg, encouraging her to say something.

She cleared her throat and spoke with a quiet, thin voice that broke his heart.

"Yeah, I…I was,"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She looked away blinking back the tears, she was tired of crying.

"I was going to tell you. I found out that morning, actually, I was going to tell you, but then there was the lockdown and then…," she let out a shaky breath and looked back at him.

"I know, it's ok," he stroked her cheek softly; "I meant…why haven't you said anything these past weeks? I would've-" She shook her head interrupting him.

"You were in pain, Derek, I didn't want you to hurt any more, I just…I just wanted you to be ok…I was going to tell you when you felt better, but then when you did, I couldn't come up with the courage to make you hurt again, so I decided to tell you when we went back home," she sniffed and wiped away the tears with the back of her hand.

She looked devastated, she was finally letting him see her and it was heart breaking.

"You really wanted this," he stated brushing away her tears.

Is not that he didn't think she would make a terrific mother or that she would love their children more than he could imagine, but he never would have expected such a strong reaction so early.

"So badly," she said with a broken voice while giving him a sad smile; "And I feel so stupid, because I mean, I didn't really think I wanted kids and I knew I was pregnant for less than a day, but here I am, two weeks later still crying over it. And Charles died and Reed died too and you and Alex didn't. I should be grateful, I should be happy you're alive and I am, but I can't stop thinking about…about how happy you would've been when I told you and about how everything was going to change, I just…," she took a deep breath and looked away, trying to calm down.

"Hey, come here," he said, scooting over so she could lie besides him.

She put her head on his shoulder as he hugged her and kissed her forehead, careful not to press too hard on his chest.

"You're not stupid, Mer. You knew for less than a day, but you made plans, you had an idea of what it was going to be and it didn't happen, it's ok to be sad."

"Ok," she whispered.

They stayed like that in silence for a while with only the sound of an occasional sniff coming from her.

"Were you in pain?"

"A little."

"And you sat here on that uncomfortable chair for days."

"It's ok, Cristina gave me some painkillers and forced me to have someone check me out."

"Good and everything's…ok?"

"Yeah, there were no complications," she said sadly.

It sounded cold. It was something they usually said to patients, but it sounded like a lie. Of course there were complications; she'd had a miscarriage, that wasn't simple at all.

"I'm sorry, Derek, this shouldn't have happened."

"No, it shouldn't, but don't apologize, it wasn't anyone's fault," he said softly while lifting up her chin so he could look at her in the eyes.

"I know," she replied sincerely.

"We were going to have a baby," she said quietly.

"Yeah."

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S. Woods