VAMPIRES VS... Break Ups
"It's not you, baby… it's me".
"Go fuck yourself, Jake".
Okay… so that hadn't been quite the reaction I'd been hoping for, but I figured I'd plough on regardless. My name's Jake Lowther, and I'm a Vampire. Now I know what you're thinking you're thinking of all those cheapo horror films, you're thinking pale skin, red cloaks, sucking necks. All of that shit. But the reality of Vampires is quite different to what you might think.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to tell you about how I became a Vampire, first. I wasn't born one, I was turned. And it happened just after my life had crumbled.
So… five years ago. I've decided to break up with my girlfriend because, basically, she was a bitch. I knew she was a bitch when I started going out with her, but, y'know, she had a nice pair, so I figured I'd be able to deal with it. Turned out I was wrong. She just grated… each and every day I had to fight the urge to punch her in the face 'Jake, buy me these shoes', 'Jake, why can't you lose weight?', 'Jake, I hate our flat, buy us a new one'. In the few weeks before then we'd spent more time screaming at each other than anything else, including getting it on, which was the final straw.
So I'd booked a seat at this expensive restaurant Tony's, it was called. Does a lot of fish. I'd never been there before, but it was pretty nice if you like fish fancy tables, all clean and fresh. Y'know… nice.
In fact, if I'd been there with anyone else I'd probably have been enjoying myself. But as it was I had to sit and stare at her stupid, plastic face.
So my opening salvo hadn't worked out… I had a lot of other cheesy lines to get through.
"Chloe", I tried. "Don't get upset, babe, we can still be friends".
"I've been fucking your brother", she replied.
"I don't have a brother", I said.
There was a brief pause, then, while she considered what I'd said. "What about Darren, retard?"
Oh, I thought. That brother. It was true, I supposed, I did have a brother. I hadn't seen him for years he'd been sent to prison for, like, fucking a pig, or something, and we'd kind of drifted apart since then. So Darren was on the outside… that might get things interesting.
"That's very distressing", I said calmly. "If it's true-"
"It is", she interrupted. That was another thing that I hated about her one thing on a long list she always interrupted people. Not just me. Not just her "friends though I suspected they hated her as much as me. No, she interrupted everyone she spoke to.
"If it's true", I said through gritted teeth. "Then I'd recommend that you get yourself tested for, like, every STI in the world. Darren's a fucking scratter. I wouldn't be surprised if he's given you AIDs or something".
Chloe smiled sarcastically. "Nice, Jake", she snarled. "I've been fucking him for months. Whatever he's given me, I've probably given you".
I was overwhelmed then by the urge to run home and take a shower, but I fought the urge. This was meant to be an emotional breakup, and, by god, I was determined that it would be. I opened my mouth to speak, but I was interrupted by the arrival of an immaculately dressed waitress.
"Good evening", she said with a smile. "Can I take your order?"
I smiled back she was pretty good looking, and I found myself struggling to keep my eyes off her chest. "Yes, please", I responded. "Could I have the fish special, please?"
She scribbled down my order and then turned to Chloe. "And for you, miss?" she said.
Chloe shook her head. "I won't be staying long", she said. "Have you noticed that he can't keep his eyes off your chest? That's my boyfriend. I'm so proud".
I tried to protest, but I was too busy choking on my drink. The waitress, for her part, reacted like a professional. Her face barely flickered. "Well", she said. "If it means a bigger tip, he can stare all he wants". Then she swirled around and walked away.
Bigger tip, I thought. Yeah, there's definitely a bigger tip. I eyeballed Chloe, trying to look angry, but to be honest I just wanted her to fuck away home and leave me to enjoy my meal.
"Ex", I said.
"Excuse me?" she replied.
"You said 'That's my boyfriend'. I'm your ex now. So there's not really any reason for you to stick around". There was a long pause, and I started to think that she hadn't got my meaning. I decided to make it easier for her. "That means fuck off".
Chloe smiled bitterly. She leaned forward, putting her elbows on the table. "Do you know why I went out with you in the first place?"
"Well", I said after a moment's thought. "I always assumed it was because you couldn't get anyone else without paying them. Or, y'know, date raping them, or something".
She laughed, bitterly. "No", she said. "It was because I wanted your money. You're fat, you're ugly, and you are the dullest, stupidest man on the face of the earth. But you've got money, and I wanted it. Trust me… every time we had sex, every time we kissed, I had to fight the urge to throw up".
She stood up and my heart leapt; was she finally going to leave me alone? She grabbed her coat and threw it over her back. She moved over to stand next to me. "And", she said loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear. "You've got a small cock".
Then she strolled out of the restaurant, and out of my life. For the time being, at least.
The pretty waitress came back with my drink, a wry smile on her face.
"Hey", I said, reading her expression. "She's lying. And I would be more than happy to prove it to you. Maybe tonight over several glasses of wine?"
She laughed loudly. "I don't think so", she said, and walked away.
I sat there in silence for a few moments, smiling. It hadn't gone quite as well as I'd hoped it would, but hell, the bitch was gone, and that called for a celebration. I took a long swig from my drink.
"Psst", I heard from behind me. I turned around one of the other people eating at the restaurant had leaned over to me. "Dude", he said. "That was so poorly handled".
I sighed. "Yeah", I said.