This was not how Jeff had imagined his first hostile contact with aliens.
Batarian slavers, them he was prepared for. Krogan mercenaries, too, maybe even Asari or Turian if the Alliance ever got on the wrong side of anyone fancy.
But...sentient turtles? Ornery, slow, really heavily armoured sentient turtles? These he wasn't sure how to handle. Especially when they were chasing after him and his five year old sister on some alien planet he'd never even of heard of before. Also, in all his fantasies during basic training about being the lone Alliance soldier fighting the alien hordes he'd had a ship. And guns. All he had right now were his crutches and the weirdo who'd gotten them into this mess in the first place.
The turtles were slow, but they were still catching up. A tiny missile whizzed past Jeff's head and blew a much less tiny hole in the grass, scattering dirt everywhere. Jeff coughed and turned to aforementioned weirdo. "You know I'd have taken care of these lizards by now if you'd let me keep my gun."
"You soldiers, always thinking you can solve everything with guns. Ever try talking your way out of a situation, Jeff? Ever try solving a problem with brains instead of brawn?"
"...brawn?" said Jeff in a strangled tone. "You think I solve my problems with brawn?" He stopped and lifted up one of his crutches before returning to his steady limping pace. "You think these are, what, some kind of bayonet?"
"What's a bayonet?" asked Hilary, toddling along at a similar speed on her short but healthy legs. She didn't seem at all bothered by their predicament, she thought the little buggers chasing after them were cute. Of course she was the one who'd blithely entered a blue box that'd just popped onto the space station out of nowhere. It was a good thing Jeff had followed in after her or she'd be all alone with this so called Doctor. Who had a perfectly good (if topologically unlikely) space ship yet had insisted they explore this planet on foot. And look how that had turned out.
"A bayonet? It's like a...big knife," said Jeff. "On the end of a gun."
"Cooool," said Hilary.
"Are all Moreaus this bloodthirsty? Your family reunions must be killer," said the Doctor, lengthening the stride of his gentle stroll for a step to shift away from them.
"Yeah, yeah," said Jeff. He turned back to consider the approaching turtle hoard. "Look, I appreciate you keeping pace with us, but I'm assuming you can run a lot faster if you put your mind to it. Why don't you take Hilary and get back to the TARDIS? I'll catch up later, or whatever."
"And be without your pretty face?" said the Doctor. "Never! You need to stop worrying so much, Jeff, we'll be fine. And what's the fun of running away if you haven't got anyone to run away with?"
"I don't need to be carried," said Hilary. "I'm not a baby."
"Quite right," said the Doctor. "Anyway, if you think bayonets are cool, have a look at this." He stopped and pulled a small metal device out of one of his many pockets then pointed it at the grass. There was a creaking noise and the ground curled up to reveal a metal plate underneath it, and underneath that was a whole heap of darkness. Huh.
"What is that...stick thing?" asked Jeff.
"Sonic screwdriver," said the Doctor, proudly. "Works on everything. Well, most things."
"Hmmph," said Jeff, trying not to sound impressed.
The Doctor squatted down and peered into the man-sized hole he'd created, humming thoughtfully.
"Let me guess," said Jeff, "there's a ladder."
"'Fraid so," said the Doctor. "Goes down...40, maybe 50 feet, and below that there's a good 150 feet of water. This is one of the main water pipes for the Kjorian capital city." Jeff groaned. He was not built for ladders. Or swimming. "Of course," added the Doctor with that cheesy grin of his, "Kjorian feet are only this big." He held his fingers apart a centimetre or so.
Jeff laughed despite himself and carefully levered himself in. Sure enough, the water only went up just below his chest. He reached for Hilary.
"It's too deep for you to stand, is it ok if I carry you? The water will support your weight." Hilary considered him with a frown.
"It's not just babies who ned to be carried sometimes, Hilary," said the Doctor. "I even got carried once by a giant gorilla...come to think of it, he looked a little like Jeff..."
Hilary giggled and let herself be settled on Jeff's hip.
"Ha ha," said Jeff, but he was secretly grateful.
The Doctor came in last, bringing Jeff's crutches. "Ooh, they float," he said. "That could come in handy."
"I actually could have gotten even lighter ones," said Jeff, unable to resist showing off. "But these ones were stronger. They're made from the same material as the hulls of Alliance ships."
"Ooh, very nice," said the Doctor with an appreciative smile, running his fingers over the surface of the crutches. Yeah, he did seem the sort to appreciate a good piece of tech, even if he was weirdly set against guns. Taking out his sonic screwdriver the Doctor sealed the much less fancy metal of the roof back together and pointed in the opposite direction to the way the water was flowing. "That way, I think." And having no better suggestions, Jeff followed his lead.
The three of them sloshed through the water pipe in silence for a while against the gentle current, past miniature maintenance ladders and tiny little information signs in tiny but otherwise legible English. Jeff was glad he'd kept up with his water rehab while on leave, at least his muscles were strong even if his bones were crap.
The roof started angling up and they eventually reached a fork where the pipe split into a bunch of smaller pipes, all too small for Jeff or the Doctor to fit into. Great.
Jeff and Hilary stood around getting damp while the doctor poked his head underwater. "Interesting," he said, coming up for air. "I think there's more pipes underneath us."
"Great," said Jeff. "More pipes."
"I've found that it's always easier to run away when you have somewhere to run to. Though since those pipes are full of water they're not much good to us right now. Still, good to know they're there!"
"I guess."
Jeff watched while the Doctor cheerfully ran his screwdriver over the walls, seemingly fascinated by the intricate layers of alien technology. "So is this normal for you?" he asked. "The whole...abducting young girls and nearly getting them killed thing? Because you didn't seem very surprised when those little bastards started shooting at us."
"I wasn't abducted," said Hilary. "I saw inside the Doctor's ship and it looked cool, so I asked if I could go in. And he said yes." There was an accusatory tone to her voice, Jeff had yet to take Hilary on a tour of any of the ships he was assigned to. "And they only shot at us because you insulted them."
"They insulted me first!"
"Actually, telling someone they have a strong smell is a traditional Kjorian greeting," said the Doctor. "Unfortunately," he added, with a significant look at Jeff, "the same can't be said for telling them they're ugly. Nor are they big fans of being threatened with guns when they try and punish someone for insulting their king."
Jeff glowered. "Fine," he muttered. "If I hadn't come along Hilary would be perfectly safe and would have had a lovely adventure on this wonderful planet and everything would be peachy. Next time she's wandering off with a strange man I'll stay out of the way."
"Don't be like that, Jeff!" said the Doctor. "I'm glad you're here, you make things exciting. And I'm sure you're good at more than just shooting things."
"I am, actually," said Jeff. "Of course what I'm good at is flying ships, and I doubt we'll be seeing a lot of them down here. So right now I guess we're all pretty useless."
"You might be useless," said Hilary, "but I'm going to see what's down the big pipe at the top. It doesn't have any water coming out of it, and I think I can fit inside."
"But it might be dangerous," said Jeff.
"So's staying still," said the Doctor cheerfully. And he had a point. "You go see what's ahead, Miss Moreau, I'll keep an eye on your brother for you."
Jeff stuck out his tongue and walked Hilary over to the pipes. If Mom found out about any of this he was so dead. And now he had nothing to do to do but stand around feeling super useless. He watched the Doctor poking at the walls and was just about to ask if he could have a go with the sonic screwdriver himself when Hilary stuck her head out the pipe again.
"It turned into more little pipes," she said, "So I couldn't get very far. But there's this noise and it got louder and louder. I can only hear it a little bit right now, but I think it's getting closer."
"What kind of noise?" asked the Doctor.
"A...rumbling sound? Like...um...I know! Like the sound when a shuttle takes off. Only more...watery."
The Doctor's face fell and he actually looked scared for the first time this whole trip. He walked up and put his ear against the wall by the smaller pipes. "Ok, I need for everyone to stay very still."
Eventually the sloshing waves around them settled into silence. Jeff concentrated, and Hilary was right, there was definitely a rumbling sound coming from further down the pipes.
"What is it?" he asked.
The Doctor gave him a serious look. "They've realised we're down here and they're flushing the pipe."
"But..what will happen to us?" asked Hilary in a small voice.
"Ah, we'll be fine," said Jeff. "We'll figure something out. Like..." Think, Jeff! Before she bursts into tears! He looked to the Doctor for help, and his eyes fell on the crutches.
"Give me one the crutches," he said, urgently. The rumbling was getting louder. "We can jam them into the walls of the smaller pipes. It'll give us something to hold on to, assuming the flushing doesn't last too long." Of course, that also assumed that their hands would be strong enough to hold on against the current, which probably only applied to one of them. "You take Hilary," he said to the Doctor, holding her towards him. "You're the strongest."
Hilary frowned at Jeff, looking unconvinced. Damn, she always was able to tell when he was trying to pull a fast one.
But the Doctor didn't take her. Also, he was smiling. "Good plan, Jeff, I told you it paid to use your brain," he said, patting Jeff's shoulder lightly and wearing a smug grin. Jeff would find his condescending attitude more annoying if he hadn't seen the Doctor be just as condescending to every single other person they'd met. "But I can make it an even better plan. Assuming these crutches are as strong as you say they are." He pushed one crutch up against the wall at around shoulder height and used his screwdriver to create a hole just the right size in the metal, slotting it in. It jutted out from the wall looking incredibly out of place...but stable. "Up you get," he said to Hilary. She climbed up and held on tightly. Then the Doctor held out his hand to Jeff. "You too," he said. "Quickly, it's getting closer." Jeff clambered up awkwardly, and sat next to Hilary on the narrow beam. The crutch bent slightly under his weight, but still kept stable above the height of the water. The rumbling was incredibly loud now, Jeff could barely make out what the Doctor was saying.
The Doctor quickly repeated his trick with the other crutch, but had barely grabbed it when the wave finally hit. It lasted forever, much longer than any human could hold their breath. But still the Doctor held on. Every now and then he tried to pull himself up, but the current was too strong. The water rose higher, swirling up towards Hilary and Jeff. All he could see of the Doctor now was his hands, knuckles pale with exertion. Just as Jeff started worrying that it was going to get high enough to drag him and Hilary under too, the water slowed and finally stopped, gurgling down the big pipe and eventually dribbling away completely, leaving the pipe empty apart from a small trickle of water. The Doctor let go, at last, and landed on the smooth metal floor with a squelch. "Well, that worked out pretty well!" he said, looking damp but happy.
"How the hell did you survive that?" asked Jeff, handing Hilary to the Doctor and carefully climbing down himself. "That must have been at least five minutes without oxygen. Maybe ten!" His leg bones complained as he landed on the floor but they'd survive.
"Nearly didn't!" said the Doctor. "Good thing I'm not one of you humans, ey?"
"You're not...of course you're not human. I should have guessed." Jeff rubbed his face and tried to clear his head. And to think when he'd woken up this morning he'd expected the day to be restful. "Anyway, thanks for saving us and all, but we're still stuck here, and I doubt it'll be long before your little friends start looking for us."
The Doctor grinned at him and then knelt down on the floor, rapping it with his knuckles to cause a hollow bong. "You remember those pipes beneath us I mentioned?" he said. "Well now they're empty."
An hour later Jeff was touching an alien ship down on the grass by the Doctor's TARDIS. "Nice flying, Jeff!" said the Doctor.
"It was ok," said Hilary. "But not as good as when I made a hole in the wall by driving that dump truck."
"Nice doesn't cover it," said Jeff. "Though it was a good thing these Centauri write in English." Whatever a Centauri was. Some other poor alien shmucks who'd gotten on the wrong side of the turtles, looked like, from the way their ship had been locked up in the catacombs along with a bunch of tiny contraband.
"Oh, that's the TARDIS translating," said the Doctor. "Back on your space station I was reading everything as if it was in Gallifreyan."
And, see, what was a Gallifreyan? How could there be this many space faring species Jeff had never heard of? Either the Asari and Turians had been holding out on humanity, or they were in a whole other galaxy or...something. He frowned, pondering. "This is all way too weird," he said. "I mean...what are the odds that there'd be a spaceship right there when we needed it? And that it would be the right size? Or that that truck would be the right size for Hilary? In fact, what are the odds that we'd have just enough time to escape every time we got into danger? It's all so...convenient."
"Yeah, it's funny isn't it?" said the Doctor. "But that's just the way things seem to play out. Always escaping in the nick of time, that's me. Kind of a gift, really. 'Course, I also have this gift for getting into trouble in the first place, haha."
Jeff levered himself out of the Centauri chair (which was perfectly sized for his human ass) and started walking toward the door, where the Doctor was helping Hilary climb down onto the soft alien grass. "Seriously, what's your deal?" he asked, blinking in the sunlight. "You're an alien, and you have all this amazing technology, and you go around...exploring the universe with little kids and cripples? Why?"
"I travel with all sorts of people," said the Doctor. "Because it's fun. What's the point of exploring the universe unless you've got someone to show it to?"
"Because it's fun?" said Jeff. "There's all those galaxies and planets and sh...stuff. If I had a TARDIS I wouldn't be picking up random little kids and showing them turtles, that's for sure. No offense Hils."
"If I had a TARDIS I'd fly into space and have adventures and be a better pilot than you and you wouldn't be invited," replied Hilary snootily.
"And that's why neither of you have TARDISes," said the Doctor, patting the ship on the side affectionately. "She likes being full of happy people, not just lonely old pilots. Sometimes I try travelling alone, but then she drops me into some unexpected time or place and I meet just the right person to go travelling with."
"Like us," said Jeff, dubiously.
"Exactly!" said the Doctor. "And didn't you two have fun?"
Jeff thought about all the times he'd thought he was going to die, and Hilary with him. Then he remembered the joy of flying the alien space craft, and the look on Hilary's face when she'd first seen the tiny glittering turtle city. "...I guess," he said.
"Yes!" said Hilary. "Lots! But now you need to take us out for icecream."
"Oh I do, do I?" said the Doctor. "Ok then, how about...the ice caverns of Rolywon 6, home of the fabled Sherbet Palace of Empress Sabine?"
"Oooh," said Hilary, "Yes please!"
"Can you guarantee that noone will try to kill us?" asked Jeff.
"Nope," said the Doctor. "But the icecream is really good."
Jeff frowned. The Doctor and Hilary beamed at him with matching expectant childlike grins.
"...ok, fine, we can go," said Jeff. He had to admit, thanks to the Doctor this vacation was turning out to be a lot more exciting than he'd expected. "But you're paying."