BREAKING THE HABIT
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
Im picking me apart again
You all assume
Im safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
Greg was lying on the bed, alone. No-one nearby to hear his cries, his scream for help. He sobs into his pillow as he thinks of his family, how they treasured him as a child, protected him from the evils of the world, the dangers of the world. Yet they were in another state now, when he needed their protection. Now he was alone…no-one was there to protect him anymore.
He sat up when he heard the thunder roaring outside, the rain pounding on his roof, drowning out his feeble sobs. He grabbed the near empty glass on his bedside and the near empty bottle of whiskey that sat next to it. Just enough. Just enough to fill one more glass. He poured the remainder of the liquid and downed it in one go.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside I realise
That im the one confused
He was confused. He didn't understand what had happened to him. Why did god make life so hard for him? Why did he have to love Nick? Watch Nick marry a beautiful, intelligent woman? Why did he have to be blown up? Why did he have to be nearly beaten to death then sued? Why did he have to live with the guilt of being a murderer? Why him?
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know way I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know its not alright
So im breaking the habit
Im breaking the habit tonight
Tonight it was over. He couldn't write a note, he didn't know what to say. He didn't blame anyone, not even himself. Certainly not Nick. Never Nick. He might have been the one to say 'I love you' every morning for 4 years then return from vacation with a girlfriend and a child on the way. He might have been the one to continue an affair he was afraid to commit to. He might even be the one who lied and destroyed parts of Greg. Parts he knew he couldn't get back. Parts like trust, love and hope. But it wasn't Nicks fault. He was scared. Greg understood and he didn't blame Nick one bit. He didn't blame himself either. It wasn't his fault he had his heart broken. He was good to Nick. It wasn't his fault he was ending it now. Tonight it was over.
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Then anytime before
I had no options left again
Greg managed to lift himself of the bed. He braced himself against the bedside cabinet as he steadied his trembling form. With glass in hand he went to the bathroom. Unaware of the knocking on the doors, the key turning in the lock. His friends concerned and shocked faces as they see his living room. Destroyed in rage. He locks the door as they see enter the bedroom. Their with him but they haven't caught up yet. Their one step behind. That makes him smile. He knows he can finish it before they get to him. He breaks the glass on the sink. They hear it shattered and Catherine picks up the empty whiskey bottle. Theirs banging and shouting. Their trying to stop him. But he picks the sharpest shard and breaks the skin. He cuts upwards. Blood trickles out if the wound. He moves to the other wrist, repeating the action. He can hear Nick's cries. His pleading. But he blocks it out. Blocks everything out except the relief he's feeling.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside I realise
That im the one confused
Why wont they leave? Why wont they get the hint? Why is Nick begging him to open the door and let him in to talk? He cant move. He doesn't want to move. He wants the fight to be over. His battles with justice, with love, with hate and with hope. He cant hope. Not anymore. There is no hope when there is no Nick. Why cant they just disappear? Why are they trying to open the door? Why does it hurt so much? The pain is getting worse. His vision blurry. Now its going to be over. Finally.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or way I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know its not alright
So im breaking the habit
Im breaking the habit tonight
Theirs more thumps to the door and the hinges crack. Greg lies down on the floor, not able to keep himself up any longer. The blood that was in his lap is now soaking the floor, as is the blood flowing freely from his wrists. More thumps. Nick, and possibly Warrick, are throwing themselves into the door. Its working. Greg just hopes it doesn't work to soon. He doesn't want to be saved. He wants to let go. He can feel the life draining from him. With every spot of blood that hit's the floor, more life seeps out of his cold form.
Ill paint it on the walls
Cause im the one at fault
Ill never fight again
And this is how it ends
The door opens. He knew it would. He knew Nick would run to him. Apologise to him. Kiss him. Help him. If he could he would push him away. But he cant. He cant even move his head, let alone his hands. He knows their all there. Grissom, Catherine, Warrick, Sara and his Nicky. His beautiful Nicky. He can see Nicks eyes. The pain, the shock and the love. He knew Nick loved him. There was never any doubt. He loved Nick too. But Nick had chosen his path and Greg his. Now it was over. He knew someone would be phoning an ambulance and he felt someone applying pressure to his cuts. It wouldn't work. He wanted to tell them but he couldn't speak. He wanted to be left alone. He looked at Nick. He tried to tell him he loved him with his eyes, that he would always love him and wait for him. That he didn't hate him, or blame him. That he wanted him to be happy. Nick saw his unspoken words. He let tears fall as he saw the last of Greg's life die away. He kissed Greg's soft lips. They were cold. He knew everyone was watching, horror stricken as Greg dies on the floor. Blood covering every tile. Covering Nick, who was covering Greg. They all waited. But now it wasn't for the paramedics. Now it would be for the coroner.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But know I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
Ill never be alright
So im breaking the habit
Im breaking the habit
Im breaking the habit tonight.
Nick held on tight. Promised to always love him. To see him again. He stroked hair and kissed skin. Then he wasn't there anymore. He was in the living room. Greg was gone. Taken back to the morgue. Grissom and Warrick worked the scene. Catherine and Sara went back to the lab to wait for evidence. Nick at on Greg's sofa. One they had bought together. Jim Brass was their. Maybe he was talking. Nick didn't know. He wasn't paying any attention. He didn't care. Greg was gone. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't Greg's. it was a choice. The only choice left. Nick had to choices. He could follow the one he loved or stay for the one he will love more. He needed to stay. He needed to be their to fulfil his duties. He would be a father soon. He was having a son. His son. Gregory William Stokes.