Kensi leaned against her desk, trying to avoid eye contact. She knew Deeks knew something was up, but he didn't acknowledge it. Kensi herself was avoiding the subject. She was barely honest with herself about why she had been in such a terrible mood. Deep down in her gut she knew. She knew exactly why she had been distracted; why her cover had been blown two days ago and she'd almost been killed. Of course, Deeks would never let that happen. He didn't brag, though. He knew her better than that. Just like he knew not to pry, that when she was good and ready she would tell him. She stood up and stretched her arms above her head.
"Well, I- I'm going to go get a coffee. You want anything?" Deeks head immediately snapped up in surprise.
"Fern… did you just offer to get ME a coffee?" He smirked, but quickly went back to his paperwork when he saw the look on her face. Callen just shook his head and exchanged a knowing glance with Sam. The partners knew Kensi's offer was just a formality, and answering yes would be a mistake. As she left the building and entered the cool January air something lifted from her shoulders. She convinced herself it was the stress, but she knew that wasn't it. She walked around aimlessly, or at least as aimlessly as a trained NCIS agent could walk. It felt good to be alone with her thoughts. Away from the stress, away from the constant wisecracks, away from the paperwork, away from those beautiful blue eyes, away from that stupid grin, away from the bad guys, away from the feelings burning a hole in her heart, away from all of it. That's why she'd gone to Hawaii. To get away. Unfortunately nothing had changed when she came back.
That's when Kensi Marie Blye finally admitted to herself her feelings were real. She finally stopped denying it. The problem now was what Deeks felt. Everyday she got a constant flood of mixed messages, like she was pulling petals of a daisy asking, "He loves me… he loves me not". She wanted him to just come out and say it. She wanted him to tell her everything she wanted to hear. She wanted his twang-y surfer drawl to say those three little words that would change her life. Kensi wanted to stop hiding her feelings, but she just couldn't bring herself to move first. It was like a chess game, when two pawns were stuck facing each other. Neither player can move until a piece was there to for the pawn to take. Yet neither wants to sacrifice a bigger piece for a measly pawn. Neither of them realizes that if the pawn could move they could get a more powerful piece by getting to the last row. Maybe even win the game. Neither of the damn players wants to risk it. Kensi yelled in aggravation, successfully unsettling an older man walking his hypoallergenic dog.
"Are you okay, young lady?" he asked, genuinely worried. He had kind face, and compelled Kensi to trust him.
"Yeah, I didn't mean to yell. Sorry to disturb you." Kensi smiled half- heartedly and walked on.
Kensi had once confided in Nell about her feelings.
"Kensi. Do you realize how ridiculous this is? If you are allowing yourself to get this worked up Deeks MUST feel the same way. You can't make this up." Nell had said after hearing everything.
"Easy for you to say. You sent flowers to yourself to make Eric jealous, and he still hasn't told you how he feels." Kensi snapped back, frustrated more at herself than at Nell.
"I never should've told you that." Nell groaned. "But, you need to tell Deeks how you feel soon. You don't want to spend the rest of your life thinking, 'what if' or 'if only'." Nell added sincerely.
"If you tell Eric how you…" Nell cut Kensi off.
"We have a date tonight."
In retrospect, Nell was right. Those little words were some she didn't want to hear. It was funny, how all the most important words were so small. Kensi thought how one or two words could make you or break you. Yes and no, I do, I love you, I hate you, or s/he is dead. Then there were the words that haunt you. The words Nell had said. The words of regret and missed chances. The words Kensi Blye never wanted to say. The words that never seemed necessary. She never had a reason to be stuck to the past. Most things change at some point, though. Marty Deeks had changed everything, with that smug grin; those devilish blue eyes, that obnoxious way of getting right under her skin and into her heart. She could tell he didn't want to believe it either. He enjoyed his life, his freedom, his lack of commitment to anyone. Kensi reasoned that was why those small words were so hard to say.
It was because neither of them wanted to take the chance. Neither of them had the guts to believe that, even for a second, what they felt was real. They shoved it down, focused on work, and avoided those little words as much as they could. Kensi wanted his lie about being fired to give her enough of an excuse to forget about all of it. She couldn't, though, not when she looked into his eyes and saw his remorse. He knew lying to her would be a bad idea, but he had no choice. She couldn't blame him for a call Hetty had clearly made. Especially when it was the right call. Kensi's thoughts drifted back to the day he pretended to leave. To the words they exchanged. "I have something to say, and if I don't say it now, I don't think I ever will" "Yeah, but, I don't think now is the best time to say it" "Okay…" "I mean… we are what we are" "We were what we were"
Kensi realized that if he had really been fired she never would have seen him again. It would've been over. She wondered if maybe this was a cosmic second chance. Kensi pictured God, or whoever is up there saying, "Okay, you got your second chance, don't screw it up." Kensi wondered if maybe she already had. She had told Deeks she wouldn't be free every night for the rest of her life. What if he had already moved on? What if she'd missed her chance? Kensi made up her mind right there and then. The next chance she got she'd tell him exactly how she felt.
When Kensi reentered the bullpen and saw the back of Deeks's head she felt a rush of what ifs pop into her head. What if he turns her down? What if he reciprocates? What if things end badly? She mentally slapped herself, deciding that it was stupid to get her self worked up. There's no chance at happiness, unless you take one. She reminded herself of her one of her father's many adages. As Kensi sat back down to her desk full of paperwork Deeks spoke up.
"Where's your coffee?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
"What?" she asked, and he smirked.
"Didn't you say you were going to get coffee?" He asked a child's smile playing at the corners of his mouth.
"Oh. I drank it at the coffee shop." She tried to play on nonchalance and borderline boredom, but he didn't bite.
"Suuuure, you did, Fern. Sure." The smugness in his voice annoyed her more than anything, but in a twisted way made her want to kiss him, just so he'd stop smirking.
"Shaddup." She rolled her eyes, pretending not to notice the way he saw through her.
"Like I said, classy." Before Kensi could quip back at him Sam interjected.
"Now, children. Don't make me split you up." He said.
"And you just know he really will, too." Callen remarked, glancing up from his paperwork. Hetty choose this moment to come through the archway.
"Mr. Callen, Mr. Hanna? A word in my office, if you will." The partners exchanged a look and then followed the four- foot ninja obediently, leaving just Deeks and Kensi in the bullpen. Kensi was thankful for the time to speak with Deeks alone. Even for just a moment.
"So, Kensi. Do you want to play crumpled- paper-basketball?" He asked.
"I'd rather do actual work, Deeks, since you do none of it yourself." She retorted, honestly not interested.
"C'mon! Double or nothing of last weeks score?" He raised his eyebrow suggestively, and Kensi sighed.
"I totally beat you last week, I have an advantage." I pointed out, hoping to dash his hopes f winning.
"Exactly, Princess." He had her there. Why throw away game she had in the bag? She sighed and agreed. It only took a few minutes for Kensi to be laughing at his terrible throws. She tossed a wad of paper and made it. He crumpled an old form and threw it in almost the opposite direction. Since when did Deeks have such terrible aim? It occurred to her that he was throwing the game on purpose. He wanted her to win. She continued to laugh, as did he, at the utter ridiculousness of the sport. They became slightly breathless, and faced each other. His eyes seemed to drill through her and see her deepest thoughts. Kensi felt like she was at the edge of high dive, begging herself to jump. It's now or never. She thought.
"I love you." She blurted out as fast as she could. The detective froze, completely blindsided by the admission. His brilliant blue eyes were as wide as plates. After a minute of complete silence his shock melted into another emotion. Was it contentment? He grinned. Did that mean he felt the same way? Kensi let out a sharp breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Deeks continued to say nothing, but instead chose actions. As his lips reached hers something inside them went off. They went at each other. The passion was indescribable. Deeks finally spoke when they parted.
"I Love you, too, Fern." Kensi was relieved to hear those small words said back.
"I wonder what's going on in there. They've been in there for awhile." She commented lamely.
"And aren't we glad." Deeks responded. The partners returned to their paperwork covered desks as if nothing had changed. Underneath that they were buzzing. Incoherent thoughts and little choppy phrases flew threw their heads. They both decided they were ready to leave regret behind and take a chance. The partners were bursting with excitement, fear, passion, curiosity, and most importantly?
Heat.