Dealing with pain
A post episode fan fic NCISLA 7x07 "An Unlocked Mind"
He was running and running and running… Everything hurt, he was in pain, but he continued running… for his life. He was being chased by Lee Ashman and he was almost behind him when Callen and Sam appeared. He kept running and when it seemed like they were going to help him, they held him by his arms. Lee caught up to them and the next thing he remembered was that he took him by his neck and he was crushing his windpipe second by second, slowly, and he was dying a slow death.
But wait, he wasn't dead… This time he was held under water until he couldn't breathe. They pulled him out, and then they put him underwater again. They said it was crucial part of the ceremony of his rebirth, but he didn't believe them. All he wanted was to get out of the water and go to Kensi and tell her that Sam and Callen worked for Lee.
Kensi!
Deeks trembled as he woke up in sweat and panting heavily. It was the third time since they were rescued from that cult that he had those terrible nightmares. In his dreams there were always Sam and Callen, they turned on him and worked for Lee. And when he was about to go and find Kensi, he woke up screaming. He was lucky that Kensi stayed at her mother for the past week since their rescue, because he wasn't sure that he could face her after what they've been through and tell her his nightmares. They still exchanged kisses and hugs while on work, but there was this distance that wasn't there before them going undercover. He was scared, because he hadn't had some nightmares since the thing with Sidorov, and after that, he had some gruesome nightmares about Kensi being slaughtered in Afghanistan. But almost a year or so, he hadn't experienced some of those bad dreams. Yet, here they were, plaguing his dreams again.
He looked at the watch on the nightstand. It showed 3.30 in red glowing light. He sighed and went to the kitchen. As soon as he was near it his stomach started growling. Then he remembered that he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast that day. They were chasing some really bad guys and the clock was ticking. Deeks didn't have time to eat and all he had in his system were his morning cereals and a Twinkie he stole from Kensi, and got chastised for it the whole day.
He made himself a sandwich and ate it alone in his kitchen. He chewed every bite slowly, like his life depended on it. His thoughts were everywhere. He was thinking about the story he invented to be let inside the Church of the Unlocked Mind, and he thought that it wasn't entirely invented. His thoughts were interrupted by his phone alarm that told him it was already time to go to work. He was an early riser, but this past week he set his alarm before going to work, because of his nightmares. He was afraid that he would be late for work if he didn't do that, so it was kind of a routine.
He slipped on his jeans and a blue t-shirt, his jacket and went to work. There, Sam, Callen and Kensi were already at their desks doing paperwork.
"Morning guys."
"Morning Deeks." Said Callen. "What happened to you? You look like crap."
"I didn't sleep well."
Kensi acknowledged his presence with her eyes, saying nothing. Even their conversations and "partner" bickering in the mornings was reduced. Sam and Callen picked on that immediately. They locked eyes with one another, silently asking each other what was wrong with them. They weren't the same Deeks and Kensi as always. Where is Nate when you need him?
Sam and Callen excused themselves. There was no reply except two "okay" said in unison.
In the resting room, they were able to talk without being heard.
"What's wrong with them?" asked Sam, first.
"I don't know Sam, but it's going on for a while now. Deeks isn't the same as before, he smiles and jokes around, but his eyes tell a different story."
"Same with Kensi. She says "I'm fine", but she is not."
"We have to talk to them and see what seems to be the problem." Said Callen.
"Great. You talk to Deeks and I'll talk to Kensi."
"Deal."
In between Deeks was writing the report from yesterday, while Kensi shuffled through papers that were a week old. She observed Deeks for a moment. He seemed like he didn't notice her watching him. He was caught up in his work, and he looked so concentrated (like always) that he scared her a little. His face was a mask that kept the pain hidden inside.
"Hey, Deeks, what's so interesting about those papers that you don't want to talk with me or even look at me?"
Deeks raised his head from the document he was reading and looked at Kensi. His eyes were unfocused and the clearness of them hit Kensi hard. Piecing blue eyes, that if you stared in them for a long time, you could feel sick from the sincerity they had in them.
"Nothing, just have to finish this stuff before Hetty comes with the letter opener. It's the third time this week I have to finish the report the next day and I'm afraid that if I do that one more time she will be really pissed off."
"I don't buy it Deeks. There is something else going on with you. Spill it."
"There is nothing going on with me Kensi."
"Something is wrong with you, I can tell. You are not your usual self."
"Well, maybe I want a pause a little?" the sarcasm and the irony in his voice gave her the chills.
"Is it IA?"
"What? No, IA has nothing to do with it. Just leave it alone, will you?"
"But, Deeks..."
Deeks opened his mouth to reply again, but he heard Callen's voice calling him.
"Gotta go."
Deeks soon left the bullpen and joined Callen. Sam returned to the bullpen and joined Kensi.
"Now, Ms. Blye you will tell me everything that's been going on with you two love birds."
…
Callen drove the Challenger through the streets of LA, with Deeks on the passenger seat. Yes, it was true. Sam, finally after a long time trusted his precious car to his partner. They agreed that Callen would return the car in one piece. Now, Callen was about to have a long conversation with Deeks and he needed a secluded location. He chose Santa Monica pier. He never told anyone, but when he wanted to vent off, that's where he went. He turned off the engine and looked at Deeks that seemed to be lost in thoughts.
"Deeks…"
But, he didn't acknowledge his presence.
"Deeks!"
The way Deeks jumped when he heard Callen yell at him, told Callen that something troubled Deeks, big time.
"What's going on with you Deeks?"
"Why everybody keep asking me the same question? Nothing is wrong with me!"
"Yes, something is wrong Deeks. One way or the other I will find out. Your choice."
Deeks sighed and took a deep breath.
"I've been having nightmares. Ever since that undercover in the cult…" he didn't finish off his sentence.
"Want to tell me?"
Deeks looked at him with troubled eyes. He recounted the latest nightmare and the previous two. Callen could see why Deeks acted like he acted.
"I'm sorry you had to experience that Deeks. Believe me if I'd known that things will turn out like they did, I wouldn't have let Granger send you and Kensi undercover in that cult."
"No matter who did you send inside Callen, it would've been the same. You know the scrutiny when they asked you to open up about yourself, your life, your deepest secrets… I was about to start talking about the real Martin. The one that willingly accepted this undercover assignment."
Deeks paused for a second.
"You know, when they started touching me when I entered in the water, it creeped me out to think what they could do to me if I didn't obey. And when they held me underwater, it was horrible. For a minute I thought that they would finish me off right there in the water, and Kensi would stay unprotected inside. And when that nightmare finished, another came in. I had to fight for both me and David inside, fight for our lives and to think that Kensi was alone with that woman and possibly with other creepy creatures, it gave me the chills. You have no idea how I felt when I saw her leaning against the wall, drugged, helpless…"
Deeks finally let his emotions wash away his face and silently wept while Callen kept a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
"Don't forget that I'm always here for you Deeks. Maybe I wasn't always, and I admit I haven't treated you well throughout the years, but whenever you feel bad, you can call me or stop by my house. You know I cat-nap, I don't get actual sleep like you guys do."
Deeks nodded, still trying to compose himself. He couldn't speak right now. He needed to calm himself.
"Are you good to go back to work?"
"Yeah." Deeks said.
Callen gave life to the Challenger and they headed off to the Mission.
…
"Nothing Sam. There's nothing going on with us. It's just, Deeks is been a little off these days. I don't know what seems to be the problem. He doesn't want to talk to me, we barely even talk here on work. I tried to come up with a conversation earlier, but nothing. He wouldn't say a word."
"Do you think it has something with your undercover work in the cult?"
"I don't know Sam. It's possible though. He's been acting strange ever since. Maybe he's been experiencing some emotional turmoil, I don't know."
"He's been through a lot since he works for us Kens. Can you blame him? I still remember the look on his face when he said to me that he is not sure that he'll be able to do this job, after the torture in the hands of Sidorov. You should've seen him after we rescued you in Afghanistan. He was so determined to keep you safe, that he drove me and Callen crazy while you weren't back on the job yet."
"So, you think it's about that cult?"
"Think about it. He's undercover with you, he is almost drowned, and then he fights for his life and the life of David. He found you drugged, all the while he kept his mind sharp and straight, and got you two out of it. I think that's too much for one day, don't you think that?"
"Now when I think you may be right. I have to talk with Deeks. He must be experiencing some bad days, and I left him alone. I went to my mother's for the whole week, and I forgot to ask him how he felt. He didn't say a thing, so I thought… He kept asking me if I were okay, and I never asked him the same. I have to…"
"Calm down Kensi. Callen will be back with Deeks soon."
Kensi nodded and waited for the arrival of her partner and Callen. The time went by slowly.
…
Out of the Mission, Callen parked the Challenger.
"Ready to go inside Deeks?"
Deeks nodded.
Callen opened the door when he heard Deeks saying "thank you". He didn't expect the hug either. A warm hug. For a moment Deeks imagined that Callen was his long lost brother.
"And remember Deeks, when you have some bad days, if you have nightmares, if you are worried, or pissed off, try to write down what's bugging you and then burn it or flush it down the toilet. Or talk to yourself in front of the mirror. It helps really. The best way to deal with your pain."
"Just for the record, who told you that?"
"I did." Sam said.
"And it was one of the best advice I got from Sammy."
"Argh, I told you not to call me like that G."
"Deeks!"
"Kens…"
She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him on the lips, passionately. This time she wasn't worried if Hetty saw them. To hell and high waters with rules and regulations.
At that moment the kiss was enough.
A/N: About the advice that Sam gave to Callen, it's an advice that I got from a friend of mine and it seemed like the right thing to write in the story. I'm going through a really stressed-out period, I am very busy with school, making seminary works and all, so it may be some time before I update some of my stories. Sorry about that, but when life gets in the way, you cannot do anything to prevent it.