Here goes.
You probably think I'm ridiculous, hell, I think I'm ridiculous...
I don't really...know, how to say it. 'I love you' I mean, look I know I just said it then- but I was quoting, well I was quoting someone else. Not me. I've never said it. What I meant was, there are so many words that should say that, ones that I should be able to put together. I can't find them, maybe that's... indicative of how I feel. To be honest, for the first time, in a long time, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do, Steve. There's no game plan, no twelve step program, no cue cards.
But I thought I should try, because for some crazy reason you chose me. Some stupid... ridiculous reason.
For some stupid reason, you saw something in me, other than my last name.
I can't say I saw it in you right away, lets be honest here, but when I did... It hit me harder than a freight train. And it was like my entire universe crashed down around me, and everything I knew was wrong. How can it be wrong? And then there you stood, it was like you were the only thing in my world that was untouched, but I didn't want to touch you, see everything I come into contact with, seems to...fall apart. I couldn't be the one that broke you, everything you are, is beautiful, and how would I live with myself?
How would I?
Not that it stopped me, I said things I regret, so many things I wish I could take back, because thats the part I play. I'm good at it, and I have no problem admitting it. Like so much else. But you know what, past all that, forgetting my part, forgetting my script; you managed to find your way to me.
I still can't tell if you meant to or not, you just started to show up, everywhere... even in placed you weren't, your face was... juxteposed over every blonde head I saw. And every single time you did, every time I saw you, the real you... part of me shriveled. I'd never really been afraid of anything, death... alright, my father? Maybe, But all of a sudden I was scared all the time, because you were too close. And all that I could think, was that I was going to tare you apart. Like I do everyone who's around me for too long.
I don't think I really understood how strong you are, weak people tend to submit too easily... so maybe I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge that.. readiness in you. All those times you sat with me in the lab, and I got you your own stool (Why did I do that? I don't even know, I just...I...still can't explain that) I just remember thinking that was the begging of the end. I let you into my... humble abode, my lab, my heart. Hey, I was going to rip you apart, tare you at the seems one way or another. I break people, I'm a Stark, It's what I do.
And then there was that one instance, well, I say one, but its happened before. It was really just the first time someone had been there. I nearly killed myself, for the sake of dramatic display, I'd love to say I'd done that on purpose. But really I'm too selfish to kill myself, well at that point I was. You saved me, do you remember that? You physically picked me up from the wreckage and carried me out. That was really it for me, I didn't think I'd be able to stay quiet after that, I tried to tell you, too. You didn't understand, and I just remember being relieved. Whatever had possessed me to make a mistake like that, I wouldn't make it again.
But I did, didn't I? You came to me for advice, friendly advice, I think-correct me if I'm wrong- I yelled in your face, a lot. You looked so confused, so beautifully confused that day that I thought maybe I'd succeeded. You have no idea how much I just wanted your arms around me, you have no idea. It sounds so ridiculously gay, something I'd never thought about being. I loved women, don't get me wrong. I just loved you more.
I lost sleep over you, and I don't regret a single minute of it. I don't know why I had such a huge bed, all to myself. All I wanted to do was drown in you, for a change, something that didn't burn my throat when I swallowed it... someone that didn't hang me out to dry, after I used them up. Aren't I disgusting? Though, all of a sudden, I wasn't sleeping alone. I remember making a passing joke, and you blushed and demanded your own room. Despite the...selfish inner scream of protest, I gave it to you of course. How long did that last? All I know is, 95 % of the time, you're with me, and I'm in your arms.
I don't know where I'd be without you. Dead, probably, or... alone, drinking myself into oblivion, unlike now... right? Hell I barely know what I'm saying. I know that I've probably had too much to drink, and yet, here I sit.
I love you. There you go, I said it.
Don't say I never did anything for you.