Lucius sat alone in one of the seedier bars in Knockturn Alley, enjoying the peace that came with sitting alone. It was rare these days that he got much time to himself, he was always running errands for the Dark Lord, something that came with the title of right hand man. But for once, he had a bit of time to spend and decided to leave the dreary confines of his Manor for the slightly lively bar. The corner was dark, to his liking, and no one save those few he trusted knew how to find him.
Coming into the slightly small bar, Severus put the hood down from his cloak. He had it on in the first place because it was pouring rain outside. He walked up to the bar and was about to ask the barkeep for a glass of Firewhiskey to take the edge off from his earlier classes of the day, but stopped when he noticed a familiar blonde haired man over at the darkest corner of the bar.
Smirking, he ordered his Firewhiskey and walked over to Lucius and took a seat next to him, "Good evening, Lucius." He received his glass of Firewhiskey and nodded to his old friend.
Muttering something about losing that precious time alone under his breath, Lucius turned to face Severus with a somewhat pleasant look on his face. "Evening Severus, what brings you to this particular bar?" He asked with a mocking tone in his voice.
The two often frequented taverns and bars together, so Lucius understood the other's choice, but still found it amusing to ask. Suddenly, there was a rush of heat over the Dark Mark on his lower arm and he closed his eyes briefly until the pain passed. There was a distant hissing voice in his ear, yet Lucius knew no one could hear that noise but him. Nodding slightly to no one, he gazed back over to Severus, giving him a significant look and prodding the spot where his Dark Mark laid.
Silently nodding in understanding, Severus downed his Firewhiskey and gave the other man a hard look; "I'll wait here."
He took off his traveling cloak since he figured he would be staying there for a good while, especially since the Dark Lord had called for Lucius. One thing bothered him, though...why did he not call for himself as well? Strange...He shook his head, shoving that thought to the back of his mind and nodded to Lucius, letting him know that he should leave as soon as possible...for the consequences of not showing up as fast as inhumanly possible were horrid.
Stepping outside of the bar, Lucius stands there for a moment concentrating on the Dark Lord to Apparate to him. The meeting was rather brief, mostly about failures and how disappointed the Dark Lord was about it. Lucius was waiting the impending pain or torture, but he explained how he would be -generous- and wait until the next meeting to actually punish him and others.
Lovely... Lucius thought, as he was dismissed. Apparating -back- to outside the bar, he walked in sitting next to Severus. Not talking for a bit, Lucius rubbed his temples and downed a few drinks waiting for Severus to ask about what happened, he expected it.
Of course, Severus decided to get the details as soon as possible, "What did he want?" he paid the barkeep for Lucius' drink for him and paid for another Firewhiskey for himself, taking small sips from it, considering the man next to him. He had his traveling cloak draped over his lap.
Sighing softly, Lucius ran both of his hands through his long blonde hair, holding his scalp. "He's not very happy with the way the Triwizard Tournament went, obviously, and with recent events..."
Pausing for a moment, he wasn't quite sure what to say that didn't reveal them or their mission to the other bar patrons. Taking out his wand, he quietly casted a unique silencing spell that made it appear that Severus and Lucius were talking about a completely thing to everyone else.
While waiting for Lucius to reply with utmost patience, he had absent-mindedly rubbed his left forearm. Severus could hardly wait for the day that the Dark Lord would fall...when that day happens...if he's still alive...he had every intention to continue with his life, as shattered as it had become over the years.
"Basically the failure to obtain what he wants…Potter, the prophecy, Hogwarts...it's vexing him and because I happen to lead a lot of these missions...he entirely blaming it on me." Seeing Severus rub his Dark Mark, Lucius added, "That is why you weren't called, you weren't involved. But surely you'll get your share of the limelight next meeting...there is to be punishment and with your unique talents with poisons and potions…" Lucius tried to repress a shudder...knowing that it wasn't going to be fun.
Nodding a bit, Severus scowled, "...I do not wish to be in the Dark Lord's 'limelight' Lucius...believe me...I wish for something far from it." he almost said the words before he even thought about what the consequences could be. Oh well, they were said already? No sense in leaving it at that, right?
Severus continued spilling his thoughts, thinking that Lucius would be able to take it right now, "Lucius...you know, you don't have to follow that monster's every whim...I certainly don't...and you can't tell me that you enjoy going to those meetings of his?" he took a considerably large gulp of his Firewhiskey.
"Better to be in his favor than out..." Lucius muttered softly. Currently facing memory pains from the last time he failed, Lucius twitched a bit, wincing as his back ached.
"You should consider yourself lucky that most of your failures go unpunished...Being a spy for the Dark Lord does have that advantage you know? He can't hurt you or let you go missing for several days for torture without Dumbledore being nosy." Lucius wouldn't admit that he's jealous, no a Malfoy would never do such a thing. Instead, he downed another drink, somewhat ignoring the last part of Severus' question.
For once, Severus had an expression on his face that any student at Hogwarts would've killed to even get a photo of: His mouth was hanging open in pure and utter shell shock while his eyes where slightly wider than normal. He couldn't believe what he was hearing...Lucius...saying that he was lucky? For being the Dark Lord's spy?
Severus regained his composure rather quickly and gave Lucius a small glare, "You don't understand...You couldn't possibly understand the torture that I go through...you wouldn't want to be in my position. I'd rather blindly follow orders and just follow directions than do what I must do."
Lucius nearly hissed out his response, "And you think simply 'blindly following orders' is all I do! I have to kill people and torture in his name, whether or not I like that person. I have to fight to keep Death Eaters under my command, despite if they want to do it. I would rather trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not than to have to hurt people without mercy."
"I am constantly fooling people every day...not able to settle down with a nice witch and have a family of my own. Being in constant danger for what seems like every second of the day...trust me, Lucius; you don't want what I have. You don't want this kind of life." Severus downed the rest of his Firewhiskey, ordering some more, asking for the whole bottle this time, "You shouldn't even trust me anymore, Lucius...I don't know why you do." Severus downed another full glass of Firewhiskey, pouring himself another glass.
Lucius couldn't help but think of his own family when Severus brought up wanting one. His beautiful wife...his only son...one a Death Eater and the other to be become one, all because of his choice. "Be glad you do not have a family Severus...be glad that you have never heard a love one's scream, pleading for mercy and not being able to give it. Be glad that you've never had to or will hurt your family because of him. You will -never- understand that pain I go through when one of my own is hurting for my mistakes. I would rather go through a hundred sessions with..." Stopping his sentence, Lucius looked at his glass ditching it for drinking straight out of the bottle.
Severus let all this information go in his head and then let a very...very out of character laugh escape his lips, "You know...I've done all of that too? Before I became a spy, I had to do what you had to do...of course, I've never known what having a family is like, so I could never understand that part of your pain...but I do understand ultimate guilt. Do you think that I enjoyed the fact that I was the real culprit to what happened to the Potter family!"
Severus gave the other a hard look and then remembered that Lucius did not know about that little detail. Lucius had no clue about the information that Severus had secretly given the Dark Lord when he'd been younger, "...no, forget it..." he then regarded his glass for a moment, then shoved it away lightly and picked up the bottle of Firewhiskey and took one big gulp of it. Finally a small tinge of pink went to Severus' cheeks, showing that he was just NOW starting to get drunk.
It was quite pathetic really, these too middle aged men sitting in a seedy bar, whining about their lives. It was obvious they both had secrets that they've kept hidden from each other. There were things that Lucius didn't want to tell, that he would never trust anyone else with, but some of these things he shared with the man sitting beside him. He never understood why he talked to Severus, knowing how he was a spy for Voldemort. Then again, Lucius was the Dark Lord's right hand man and therefore was used for insider information among Death Eaters. But Lucius would never and could never betray Severus, for he was the oldest and closest friend he had ever had.
Severus sighed heavily. Lucius was the first real friend that he had made before, and he had secrets that he didn't share with anyone...but right now, he was willing to chance this secret with his friend.
"Lucius...I have to tell you something very important...and it's life threatening to me if the Dark Lord gets wind of this...I'm..." Severus chugged down another few gulps of Firewhiskey and stated calmly, "I'm not the spy for the Dark Lord...I'm the spy for Dumbledore...I'm not on his side at all...I wish the Dark Lord ill as much as possible...and..." he thought about taking another drink of his Firewhiskey, but thought better of it.
"Also...It's true...I'm the real culprit when it comes to the deaths of James and Lily Potter...And I still have not recovered from knowing that I caused such a horrid chain reaction...As much as I hated James, I didn't wish him death...that was the last thing that I wanted..." Severus folded his arms on the top of the bar and laid his head down on his arms, still facing Lucius from his relaxed position, "...I do believe that I have just 'spilled the beans', my friend..."
Watching as Severus confessed what had to be his darkest secrets made him feel...trusted and close to the other man. "It would seem you have, my friend..." Lucius murmured softly, almost in awe. Lucius never had any clue about either of those major secrets, the Dark Lord never told him about Severus being so intimately involved with the Potters' death. But there were some secrets that Voldemort kept for himself and he just assumed that was one of them.
After debating it for a moment, Lucius placed a hand upon the other man's shoulder, "I am sure that you never intended that...never wished that upon any of them or anyone." Quickly changing the subject to one less tender, he asked, "So how long have you worked for Dumbledore? You hide it well."
Severus sighed and turned his gaze to staring at his reflection in the bottle, now half full of Firewhiskey. "Since the night that the Dark Lord fell due to a small boy named Harry Potter," he childishly poked his warped reflection in the bottle lightly.
"You know, Dumbledore's right...love is probably the best defense in the world...that's what protected Harry Potter and it's what caused the Dark Lord's fall in the first place. It was strong enough to repel the Killing Curse..." Severus frowned at his reflection, "Heh...look at me...I have no one to love and no one to love me back...I don't deserve such a thing, any way...not a 'greasy git' like myself as the students say...They act like I don't hear them when I can easily hear them, even all the way across the classroom...silly dunderheads..."
Looking at his own reflection, Lucius noted how lined and worn his once youthful face appeared due to all the stress being a Death Eater caused. "If only love could protect everyone...no one knows why love repelled the Killing Curse, but I promise you..." he looked into the other's eyes, "I would not want to be the one to see if it worked a second time."
Severus lazily looked back to face Lucius, "This is why I think you're lucky...you have loved ones...I don't...and I never have had a loved one..." he might've been facing Lucius, but his eyes weren't looking at him. He was focused on a strange design on the bar top that it was made from wood's markings. Severus stared at the wood-knot like it was the most interesting thing in the world at that moment.
His next words were spoken with such sincerity and feeling, that it seemed like something that Severus would only say once and would most likely would never repeat, "I would give anything...anything...just to have someone to love...but no one would want to love someone like me..." Severus always got like this when he was on the tipsy side...of course one must wonder what he would be like if he were truly drunk. To some that might seem like a very scary thought.
Lucius sighed a bit, wishing that all the Professor said about love was true. "Love is also the best for blackmail. You find someone to love and the Dark Lord can hurt you by hurting him or her. Can you imagine how it feels to beat your own wife because you're forced? I know exactly how it feels...trying to hold back tears because you know it will only get worse if you cry."
Lucius took a shuddering breath, also feeling the alcohol making him slightly emotional. Raising the bottle to his lips, he took a very long draw from the bottle. "I'm sure Dumbledore could protect those you love, if you so chose to take a wife or even just a lover, couldn't he? I mean...he's the only one the Dark Lord fears, right?"
Severus sat up just long enough to take a small gulp of his drink before settling himself back down in his relaxed position on top of the bar top, "But even though I want to settle down...I can't, and I know it. I could get them the protection...but no one would want me..." his eyes shone with unshed tears, "Especially since I'm a Death Eater...and I'm a spy...and because I happen to love potions, my hair suffers from it...so it's always greasy looking. No woman would want a murdering greasy git..." he then started to chuckle.
"We sound like a couple of crazy women...you're the drunk house wife, and I'm the depressed girl with no one to love." Severus chuckled louder at this, "But to answer your question, yes, he is the only person on this planet that he fears the most...if you make an exception of Harry Potter. He fears Potter most of all because of the information that I gave him years ago."
A/N: To Be Continued…this scene is extremely long and I tried to break it up into two chapters the best I could.