Random story that is so effed' up: it'll leave a taste in your mouth.
"Yo, Jack, dude: did you, like, be a loser yet today?" said Sawyer, a concerned look on his face.
"Yes, Sawyer…" Jack sighed, in a melancholy, depressed kinda' way.
"Hey, what's wrong, big guy?" said Sawyer, giving him a little hug. Jack sighed again and looked away from Sawyer: he couldn't meet Sawyer's eye: not until he knew for sure.
"Sawyer? I think I… well, that is, I think my FRIEND is, um… different…" Sawyer raised his eyebrows.
"What do you mean?"
"My friend gets butterflies in his stomach whenever he's by Desmond or Charlie…" Jack started to drool "or Hurley, and my friend doesn't know what's wrong with him... I think I'm- I mean, I think my FRIEND is sexually attracted to them… but he's a guy and-"
"WOAH- DUDE, ARE YOU A HOMO!?!?" Sawyer leaped away from him like he carried the plague.
"I thought you knew! Why else do you think I listen to Cher?" Sawyer's eyes bugged out.
"Well, excuuuuuuuse ME for not trying to create sexual stereotypes!! YOU DO KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS- DO YOU!?!?"
Jack stood up, intrigued.
"No, what?"
"It means your mother was a FISH." Jack sat back down, only to stand back up in rage.
"OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST CALL MY MOTHER A FI-ISH!!" Sawyer bitch slapped Jack. "OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST BITCH SLAP ME!!!"
"OH, I THINK JUST DI-ID." said Sawyer, snapping his fingers in a Z-formation.
Jack picked up a chair from behind him and smashed it over Sawyer's head. Sawyer returned the favour by smacking Jack over the head with a wine bottle.
Charlie sprung out from the bushes and wrapped himself around Sawyer's leg.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! THAT WAS OUR ONLY LIQUID ON THE ISLAND!!!!"
Sawyer hit Charlie over the head with another bottle of wine.
"Stupid hobbit… go back to the Shire and leave me alone." Charlie and his cute little wee-man charms got up and brushed the sand off his pants.
"Fine! I WILL go back to the Shire!! And I'll take my under-bite with me!" And, with that, Charlie walked off in a huff, clenching his fists.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, CHARLIE!!! I LOOOOOOOOVED YOU!!!!!!!!!!"
Sawyer hit Jack over the head with a bottle of wine.
"WHAT THE FRICK, JACK!? HAVE YOU NO SHAME!?!?!?!?"
Jack hit Sawyer over his head with a bottle of wine.
"NO, I DON'T: AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!"
Sawyer stood up.
"What if I wore no pants for three days?"
Desmond fell from the sky, a maniacal look in his eye.
"SOY-ER'S NOOT GUNNA' WEER PAHNTS!?!?!? HEY, EVRY'BOODY: SOY-ER'S NOOT WEERIN' PAHNTS!!"
I'm a Scott: I have the right to make fun of our own accents
Hurley, Jin, Claire, Baby Aaron, Sun and John Locke all surrounded them, binoculars in hand.
"Hey! Sawyer's wearin' pants: you LIED to us, Desmond!!!"
"W'l, Soy-er sed 'e'd teck uff 'is pahnts!"
John Locke slapped his knee.
"Damn, I wanted to see those delicious man-legs." He said.
Baby Aaron looked around and said to Sawyer:
"Hey, why isn't Kate here: wouldn't SHE like to see your delicious man-legs?" the baby said.
Sawyer threw back his head and laughed:
"HA!! Believe me, Aaron, she's seen me with my pants off, in fact, she's seen me not wearing-"
"You don't have to finish that sentence, Sawyer…" said Jin who, apparently, can speak English now.
Charlie re-emerged from the bushes and kicked Jack in shin, knocking a bottle of wine over Sawyer's head.
"You've made yourself a powerful enemy…OME MY FELLOW HOBBITS: AVENGE OUR HONOR!!!!!!" said Charlie.
Elijah Wood, Sean Astin and Billy Boyd (who doesn't look NEARLY as hott as he does in the movie), all with wine bottles.
All three former hobbits threw all their wine bottles at Sawyer, killing him.
"DRINK TO THAT, BEEYOTCH!!!" said Elijah, fingering the rest of them and disappearing into the forest once again to reappear in WhyIsTheRumGone-CuzYouDrankIt's other story.
(This the abrupt end)