(A/N) Hello! C: Yes, I know I haven't updated in two months or so. I was extremely busy because I had graduation and final exams. I also was invited to six graduation parties and I went to all of them. Anyways, I'm back! Aren't you all happy? First, I actually couldn't update because my computer erased everything I had. :/ I was so mad, all my files were deleted. Well since I'm back, I'm going to be updating weekly or like every three days. :)
I have a new one-shot I thought of last week or so. I really suggest you have a box of tissues while reading because this is really emotional. WARNING: this contains attempted suicide, self-harm, and depression. Yeah, I'm doing something new instead of happy, joyful one-shots. :) I suggest you listen to "Nothing and Everything" or "Not Alone" by Red while reading this. :)
Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Please review!
Nothing & Everything
I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled,the one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own.
Hugging her legs as she sat next to her bedroom window, a blue-haired teenage girl wearily watched the rain fall down from the dark, gray clouds. Her hand traced a lone raindrop that slid down along the window sill. That's what she thought of herself. A raindrop sliding on a window that would soon break apart.
Tears started to fall from her cobalt blue eyes. She wasn't afraid to cry every once in a while. The only option for her was to cry. This wasn't the Dawn Berlitz she thought herself as. She was once a bubbly, carefree teenage girl who always smiled. But now, she was the opposite. There was so much behind that little smile that she put on to say she was okay but she wasn't.
Dawn wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. Her eyes diverted to her forearm filled with cuts and scars. They were memories that couldn't be erased. Her fingers wandered to her cuts as she touched each and every one of them. The pain was a joy for her. She would cut a spot on her forearm every night. No one knew that she harmed herself. Her mother and brother didn't know nor did her friends. Though they didn't know about that, they knew that she was in a state of depression. The blue-haired teenager hid her scars by wearing a long-sleeved sweater everyday. She sniffed as she stared at each and every scar that she harmed upon herself. She ruined her once perfect ivory colored skin by leaving small scars. Though it hurt, she got used to the pain.
Dawn hugged herself tighter as she could only hear herself cry harder. As she continued to cry, the blunette heard a shuffle of feet occur around her bedroom door. She glanced at it in alert as she unrolled her sweater sleeves to hide her scars.
Knock. Knock.
The blunette figured it was her mom since she always tried to comfort her daughter everyday. "Leave me alone, mom!" the teenage girl shouted desperately. She wanted to be alone.
"It's not your mother, it's Gary," the voice behind the door said softly. "Your mom invited me over so I can talk to you..."
The spiky haired brunette heard a sniffles behind the door. His first thought was that she must have been crying. Slowly, the door opened to reveal a teary-eyed blunette who looked like a mess. "Hey little blue-head," he smiled, teasing her with the nickname he always called. "how have you been?" Normally, Dawn would get angry at Gary for using that nickname but now, she ignored it.
Dawn stared at the lightly soaked man before replying, "What do you want?" she asked, crossing her arms. She wanted to be alone but Gary had came along to try to comfort her. This made it difficult for her to be alone.
Noticing her annoyance of him in her presence, he frowned. "I just wanted to see how you were doing," he said looking at the frown that plastered her face.
"Well, I'm fine." she lied as she walked back inside her room. Gary followed her in awkwardly as he just stood up. Honestly, Gary just wanted the old Dawn back. The bubbly, optimistic, and the girl that always smiled. It was not only him that wanted the old Dawn back, her friends and family wanted her back also.
Silence
Dawn slowly sat next to her window as she felt the awkwardness in the room. That frown on her face never left. "C'mon Dawn, smile..." the blunette heard her spiky brunette friend say. The blue-haired girl turned to him with a glare.
"Smiling won't make the pain go away," she hissed at Gary, who she considered a brother to her. "and stop pretending to care."
"I do care," Gary said softly, defending himself. His green eyes looked with worry and fear for the blunette. "first of all, why are you being like this?"
Dawn stood up abruptly and walked up in front of the brunette. "Do you think I want to be in this state? Depressed?" she asked rhetorically. Gary stood silent as he watched tears starting to fall from her eyes.
"I'm worthless, pathetic, and there's nothing special about me. I push everyone away who tries to help me because I don't want their sympathy. Do you know how it feels to be ignored and not loved? The worst part is that I hate myself." Dawn cried out as the tears rolled onto her cheeks.
"The fact that you look at me and think 'she's so happy'...but there's so much behind my smile that you won't know," Dawn sobbed as she felt her heart beating faster due to all the mixed emotions she was feeling. Gary stood speechless as he listened to her.
The frustrated blunette sniffed, "I a-always s-screw t-things up. I'm a d-disappointment!" she yelled as more tears escaped her eyes. Gary felt her hug him on the waist as she sobbed into his chest. Even he, Gary, started to cry a little. He felt bad for his blue haired friend that he thought of as a little sister.
"I hate seeing you like this..." Gary muttered to her as he stroked her midnight blue hair.
Soon enough, the spiky-haired brunette left the house of the blunette still in a state of concern for her. A frown formed upon Dawn's lips as she sat alone in her room. She didn't want her friend to leave yet, she didn't want him to stay too long just to talk with her.
A sigh escaped her lips as she looked at her cream colored door. Dawn grabbed her pink covered phone and skimmed through her contacts. "Should I call May?" she thought to herself. She shrugged before pressing the call button.
Ring! Ring!
"Hello?" A feminine voice answered.
"Hey May,"Dawn whispered in a frail voice. "I really need someone to talk to. Please?" her voice sounded desperate, pleading for company.
"Oh hey, Dawn," May responded. "I'm really sorry but I'm on a date with Drew now." she apologized as she glanced at her emerald-haired boyfriend
A frown stood still on Dawn's lips. "Oh. It's okay, I understand," the blunette said with a look of disappointment. "sorry to bother, bye." she said as she clicked the end call button.
"Wait, Dawn-" May started but she realized her distraught friend hung up the phone. The brunette looked at her boyfriend with sadness.
"I wish she wasn't like this. I mean, she's so depressed and alone. Nobody's there for her." May sighed with worried eyes. Drew shrugged his shoulders at his girlfriend.
"Who knows? Maybe she isn't depressed. She probably just wants attention," Drew assumed as he flicked his hair. A gasp came from May.
"Drew, now you're just insulting her. She isn't acting to be depressed because she wants to be the center of attention. I think Dawn is depressed," May defended as she thought of her blue-haired friend. She fiddled with the silver spoon on the clothed table as she looked at Drew.
"I wonder what she's feeling..." May whispered softly to herself.
The blunette sat on the edge of her bed clad in her piplup pajamas. Her eyes shut tight as she began to think of what would unfold in her situation. Would she be okay again? Would she be happy? Or would she still be like this? "No one is going to save me from the nothing I've become." Dawn thought to herself.
Besides, no one truly cares about her.
"I think I'll be better on my own with no friends...just me...alone." she thought with a sigh.
Out of the corner of her eye, Dawn spotted a glint shining from the top of her nightstand beside her bed. It was her small razor blade that glinted. She grabbed it carefully as she examined it in her fingers. There were small blood stains on the blade from previous cuttings she did on her forearms.
It was time to cut her forearm again.
With her left hand , Dawn placed the blade on her forearm. The blunette bit her lip tightly as she sliced through her ivory colored skin marking a long, shallow, cut. Tears started to fall out of her eyes as a small amount of blood slowly flowed out of the wound.
She stared at the new wound on her forearm before lightly wiping the blood with a tissue. Dawn wiped her fallen tears with her fingers as she unrolled the sleeve of her pajama top. "I deserve all these cuts...every one of them," the teenage girl mumbled as tears started to roll down.
Knock! Knock!
In an alerted fashion, the blunette wiped her tears quickly and hid the razor blade under her pillow. She took a deep breath before saying, "Come in." The door opened revealing to be her older brother, Lucas, carrying a plate of spaghetti with a hero sandwich on the side.
"Hey," he grinned. "I brought you dinner..." he placed the plate on her desk.
"Thanks..." Dawn said without looking at him. Her brother was one of the reasons she was like this. Why?
Well, she was jealous.
He was perfect in her eyes. He had all the great qualities of a perfect person. Handsome, smart, funny, respectful, and good-hearted. Lucas was exactly the opposite of Dawn. He was perfect while Dawn was broken. Lucas was mother's favorite child while Dawn felt ignored and invisible. Johanna, their mother, loved him better than her.
"Mom wants to speak with you after you finish eating...okay?" he asked as he looked at the unmoving figure of his sister. Dawn's eyes widened at what he told her. Why would her mom want to speak to her? What would it be about?
Dawn nodded in response as she tried to deal with the pain the new wound caused. Lucas stood in her room, hoping she would say something to him but to his avail, she didn't talk to him. Dawn never spoke to him in full conversation. It was only brief with small words like 'okay', 'yes', 'nothing' and other small words.
The eighteen-year old boy left the room, shutting the door behind him. A sigh escaped his lips as he walked down stairs.
After twenties minutes passed, Dawn finished her dinner. Fear played in Dawn's eyes as she began to wonder why her mom wanted to speak with her. Like what she does with her brother, Dawn only spoke a few, small words to her. Her feet shuffled down the stairs slowly as she saw her mother holding a piece of paper in her hand. Reaching the last step, she approached her mother.
Johanna shoved the piece of paper she was holding into her daughter's face. "This is letter from your school regarding your grades in all of your classes. Dawn, you are failing four of your seven classes. You are failing chemistry, history, algebra, and global. Your teachers are very concerned that you may have to go to summer school." a stern look was plastered on Johanna's face.
Dawn's jaw dropped. "Mom, I'm trying my best..." she explained.
"I don't want to hear that Dawn! You keep telling me that excuse!" Johanna shouted making Dawn flinch a bit. "You have to concentrate in your studies, Dawn! You have to work as hard as your brother, Lu-" she continued but she was interrupted by her daughter.
"Oh? So this is about me trying to be like Lucas?" Dawn yelled as she heard her mother say his name. "It's all about your favorite child, Lucas, isn't? He doesn't belong in this conversation about my studies. Of course, you love him better than me..." she whispered the last sentence, looking at her stunned mother.
"You always praise him and ignore me..." Dawn said, looking at her mother with sharp eyes. "I try my best in school and all you do is yell at me for everything I do wrong..."
"That's not true, Dawn...I love you both equally." Johanna said, her eyes visible with hurt. Dawn shook her head as tears started to fall again.
"No you don't...I wish Dad never left. He loves me and cares about me! I wish he had custody of me and Lucas instead of you!" the blue-haired teenage girl yelled angrily as she tightened her fists. Without hesitance, Johanna slapped her daughter on the right cheek.
"Don't bring up your father in this conversation..." Johanna fumed, gritting her teeth. "now go to your room without a word..."
"Well, what about three more?" Dawn asked as she threw her mother a cold glare.
"I hate you!" the teenage girl screamed before she dashed up the stairs, leaving tears flowing down her face. A shocked, hurt Johanna was left alone in the living room. She held her head into her hands as she began to sob.
Dawn slammed her bedroom door shut before crashing down on her bed. She hugged her knees close to her body as she continued to cry. "I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. Inside, I'm dying..." Dawn thought. Soon, the distraught girl cried herself to sleep.
At school, during lunch, Dawn stood in line on the lunch line, waiting to get her lunch. She wore a white hooded sweater and black skinny jeans with black flats. The sixteen-year old stood patiently on the line. Her eyes diverted her to her friends that were sitting in one long table. May, Misty, Leaf and their respective boyfriends, Drew, Ash, and Gary were laughing together. They were all so happy. A frown took over her lips as she watched them. Why can't she be like that?
Words started to fill her mind.
Worthless...
Pathetic...
Pain...
The blunette regained her posture, forgetting those words that described who she was. She grabbed her lunch tray which contained a small box of assorted fruit, a hero sandwich, and a bottle of water. She continued off, looking for an empty table to sit in. She didn't want to sit near her friends because it was pointless to sit next to them. What would they talk about? They would just feel sympathy for her which Dawn didn't want.
The blue-haired girl found an empty table and sat on the edge of it. As she was eating her lunch, Dawn felt eyes staring at her. She looked up and saw May and Leaf looking at her with a worried expression on their faces. "Just stop pretending to care..." she muttered as she looked back down at her lunch.
With her lunch finished, Dawn stood up to throw her lunch away in the garbage. Dawn passed her friends' table without looking at them. The blunette dumped her garbage away. While she was walking back, she overheard her friends talking about something. Though the lunch room was filled with chattering and screaming of other students, Dawn managed to hear their conversation.
"Drew, stop assuming things about Dawn..." May defended as she rolled her eyes at him.
"I actually agree with Drew," Misty said, crossing her arms. "First she's your regular self then she suddenly becomes depressed? That's pretty strange..."
"See? I'm not the only one who is suspicious that Dawn could be faking this act. She's obviously doing this for attention..." Drew said with a victorious smirk.
"I don't believe you, Drew," Gary sneered at the emerald-haired boy. "I talked to Dawn, she's not faking it..." Leaf nodded in agreement.
"So that's what you think of me?" Dawn walked up to the table. Her glare fixed on Misty and Drew. "An attention seeker?" The blunette looked at the faces of her shocked friends. All of every one of them. She could feel a tear roll down her cheek.
How could her friends do this to her? Especially Drew and Misty.
"Well, I'm not," Dawn answered her own question. "I'm not doing an act for attention." she hissed as she wiped the tear away.
"I knew you weren't, Dawn. I believed you. I understand what you feel right now..." May said, looking at her best friend with teary eyes.
"You think you understand what I feel but you don't and you never will! So don't start that shit about knowing what I feel!" Dawn shouted at the brunette. "You guys won't. You don't know what I've been through."
"That's enough..." Drew growled at the blue-haired friend.
"Dawn, it's best if you just leave and not start a scene." Misty said, looking at Dawn with pleading eyes.
"Fine...I still care about you all, you say you do care about me. Well, you didn't care enough." Dawn spat before leaving the lunchroom and off to the halls.
The blunette sobbed as she leaned against the lockers. "Now they all hate me..." Dawn let the tears fall. Crying was just her only option but it never seemed to help.
"You alright?" a voice asked as the figure walked up to her. Dawn sniffed a bit, tears still falling. She shook her head lightly.
"Everything I do is wrong..." she whispered before looking up at the figure. Her eyes widened in shock as she realized who the person was.
It was Paul Shinji. Her ex-boyfriend.
The lavender-haired man handed the blunette a tissue. She grabbed it and wiped her eyes and nose. "P-Paul? Why are you being so nice to me?" she asked, looking at him with curiosity. "You would normally call me pathetic when I'm like this..." she said, flinching when she said the word 'pathetic'.
Paul was also one of the main reasons she was in her state of depression. He broke up with her but she still loved him. The fact that he was being nice was strange but it would be more stranger if he smiled at her. He would normally smirk than smile.
"Well you were crying...I don't like seeing you cry," Paul said as he looked at Dawn from head to toe. "What's wrong?" he asked. Dawn looked at him as if she was in a dream.
"Nothing!" Dawn cried out, throwing her hands up. "Just because I was crying doesn't mean there's something!" Paul quickly grabbed her wrists and rolled up her sleeves. Dawn tried to pull away but he already saw her cuts. Paul examined them with angry eyes.
"Why are you doing this?" he asked in a stern tone. "You're hurting yourself! Do you even understand what you're doing to yourself?" Paul asked as he grabbed her shoulders, looking at her in the eye.
Dawn struggled in his grasp. "I do understand what I'm doing! I'm doing this because I deserve it!" Dawn screamed as she felt tears on her eyes. "You don't even care! You didn't even care about me when we were together so why would you care about me now!"
"Because I love you, damn it!" Paul shouted as he pulled her into a kiss. Their lips crashed together. Dawn's eyes widened as he kissed her. Her eyes closed slowly before responding. The blue-haired girl began to think of all the memories of her relationship with Paul before. Her eyes widened before she pushed him away.
Flashback...
The blunette stood against the oak tree in which she would meet up with her boyfriend after school. It was freshmen year. A year before she started cutting herself. A sigh escaped her lips as she awaited her boyfriend to come.
"He should be here..."
A smile graced her lips as she saw a figure walking up the hill to the oak tree. "Paul!" she screamed out as she dashed to her boyfriend. "You're here!" she shouted as she tried to hug Paul.
To her surprise, the lavender-haired boy pushed her away from hugging him. She quirked her eyebrow at his action. "Is there something wrong?" she asked in a worried tone as she gazed at his lavender bangs covering his face.
He looked at her with a scowl. "There is something wrong..." he started. "We're wrong." Dawn reached her hand to touch his face but he smacked it away harshly. The teenage girl cringed as she stared at her boyfriend.
Why was he like this?
"What do you mean?" she asked in a fragile tone.
"We're breaking up...we're done. I can't do this anymore." Paul said as he began to turn his heel to walk away. Dawn felt her heart drop. She felt it was breaking into a million pieces as soon as he stated he was breaking up with her.
"But why? Did I do something wrong?" Dawn asked as she tried to keep the tears from falling. Paul stopped in his tracks before continuing walking down the road.
Dawn fell to her knees as she began to sob into her arms. "I still love, Paul...I don't understand..." she whispered softly.
End of flashback.
Dawn shook her head wildly at the painful memory that caused her to be what she was now. "No, you're lying! You broke up with me! It doesn't make sense!" she cried out as she began to walk away from her ex-boyfriend. Tears started to fall as she continued to walk away.
"I can't go back to you, Paul," she whispered. "I don't deserve you even though I still love you..."
A strong hand grabbed her wrist quickly. "Dawn, we have to talk..." Paul spoke softly as he looked at her. Dawn broke her arm free from his grasp. A tear rolled down her cheek slowly before she whispered,
"There's nothing to talk about..."
The blunette hugged her knees close to her body as she sat on her bed, thinking of all the things that went by. Dawn held her head as she couldn't take all the pain she went through. "I can't take it anymore...I just can't. I wish I got through the day without crying. It would be so much better..." she whispered as she began to cry alone.
"Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone than to cry alone" she thought to herself as she began to cry. She just wanted to escape from all the pain but it made her get through everything.
"I can't do this anymore...no one cares so what's the point? I'd rather just die..." she thought. "All would be okay if I just die. They'll start to care when I'm gone. Escaping from all my problems is my best option..."
The blunette sat up tiredly before scanning her nightstand for her razor blade. As soon as she found it, she would do it soon. Dawn carefully grabbed the razor in her fingers. She took a deep breath as she shakily moved it around her hands. She quickly walked into the bathroom and locked the door with a click.
Dawn breathed in as she stared at her self in the mirror. She looked terrible...her eyes and face were light red from all the crying she had done. Her hair was knotted and messy. She felt like a mess. Her fingers wandered through her hair was she began to break down.
"I'm the raindrop that's going to break apart..." she thought to herself. Anxiety and stress started to fill her mind. She bit her lip as she rolled her sleeves up revealing her scarred forearm.
"This is for the best," she whispered as a tear fell down from her eyes. "My family hates me. My friends hate me. Everyone hates me." She screamed out loud as she thought of all her mistake and problems.
"Who would care?" she scoffed. "They'll wake up and find out I'm not there..."
Dawn looked around her porcelain bathroom before placing the razor blade on her left wrist. The blue-haired girl chewed her lip, preparing for death. Tears started to roll down her face as she pressed the razor blade deeper into her ivory colored skin.
Meanwhile...
The lavender-haired man walked up to front door of Dawn's house before knocking the door. Paul needed to talk with Dawn, he still loved her. He was an idiot for letting her go. "Damn it, I'm an asshole for doing that to Dawn..." he cursed quietly in a rough voice. The door opened, revealing to be Lucas.
Lucas greeted him with a small glare. "What do you want?" he glowered at his sister's ex-boyfriend.
"I need to see Dawn..." Paul said, ignoring the glare. "We need to talk."
Lucas scoffed in annoyance. "You're probably here just to hurt her again." He glared at the man again.
"Just let me in," he pushed Lucas out of his way as he looked around for Dawn. Paul climbed upstairs and knocked on Dawn's door. Paul continuously knocked on the door but he soon realized it was open. He entered the room hoping to see Dawn but she wasn't in her room. Lucas entered the room also, keeping his glare at Paul.
The lavender-haired man saw that she had a bathroom in her room. He tried to open the door but it was locked. "Dawn, open the door!" he shouted as he pounded the door, hoping Dawn would open it.
Dawn's eyes widened in shock as she heard Paul's voice. "Leave me alone, Paul!" she screamed as she dug the blade deeper into her wrist. Blood started to flow out. Tears started to flow from her eyes as the pain filled her. She bit her lip harder as the pain grew unbearable. The blunette started to feel dizzy as the cut started to bleed more. Dawn screamed out in pain and agony as blood stained the white porcelain sink.
"Dawn, what are you doing?" he shouted, realizing that she may be cutting herself again. Or worse, she could be committing suicide.
"Open up!" Lucas roared, his eyes visible with fear and worry.
Blood covered Dawn's hands as the wound spilled out blood. Her mind flashed with scenes before her. All the people that made her like this. Her mom. Her brother. Her friends. Paul. She would escape from all of them.
Gritting his teeth, Paul raised his leg and kicked the door. "Leave me! I want to die!" he heard Dawn scream out from the other side of the door. Paul kicked the door open with all his power and force. "I won't let you kill yourself, Dawn..." The door flung open revealing Dawn with bloodied arms and hands.
She cried as she tried to cut her left wrist again but Paul grabbed her arms before she could do it. "I want to die! Let go!" she cried as she struggled against Paul's grasp. Immediately, Lucas felt his eyes water at the sight of his younger sister trying to kill herself. He snatched the razor blade out of her hands which earned a scream from Dawn. "No!"
Paul held her waist and arms keeping the struggling blunette from escaping his grasp. Her eyes spilled tears as she kept whispering, "I want to die..." Dawn broke down before falling to her knees with Paul behind her, still holding her. Lucas quickly dialed 911 on his cellphone.
Dawn continued to cry as she laid her head on Paul's shoulder. "You saved me..." she whispered as she wiped her tears. "I felt so alone...no one was there for me,"
The sound of the ambulance could be heard from outside Dawn's house. Red lights shined around the house. Paul hugged her closer, caressing her midnight blue hair. "I was afraid of losing you..." Paul whispered softly into Dawn's ear.
A smile graced her lips. She smiled at him. A smile that she meant. A smile so powerful to break from her from the pain she endured for a long time.
"Just remember, you're not..." Paul started as a tear rolled down his cheek, looking at the gentle girl before him. "you're not alone. I'm here for you." he said sincerely as he hugged the blunette closer.
I finally finished! :) So how was it? Did you enjoy it? Ahaha, so did anyone cry? I cried while typing this... :') I'm not sure if Paul was OC in this story. He was a bit OC for me. So what did you guys think? Hate it? Love it? Now, click that review button! It would make me the happiest girl alive! Please! I love you all so much!
I just graduated so I'm pretty much stressed for high school. XD so how's your summer, guys?
Just an Ordinary Girl will be updated this week, I promise! I know, I haven't been active for a while. It's been pretty stressful for me since I remembered that I won't be seeing my classmates like I used to.
Please review!
Till next time, bye!
ThePerfectTwox3