Title: Falling up Fearless
Author: Pup-Ashbless
Fandom: man
Disclaimer: Hoshino owns the series.
Summary: Akuma are easy to love. Humanity takes a little more hard work. But, in the end it's the same effort for each.
What would Mana think of him now? Sometimes Allen Walker holds onto the thought so tightly, all wound up like a doll on strings that lead up so high one couldn't tell if they were falling up.
Can I ask you something?
What is it?
What is so deep inside your heart that you can not even face it?
Not that one.
Tell something else.
All right then, something simple and insignificant to many, but meaningful and hopeful in a way that would be nice for everyone.
~~~*
Mana was everything.
Mana was Allen's everything.
Mana took Allen's everything.
It was fitting but sad none of the less.
But Mana hadn't left him without anything in the end. Allen had his curse, his painful if not last precious link to his Father. He had Akuma, things to use for atonement. Not because he wanted it, but because Mana had wanted it for him, so Akuma are his and Allen is still careful enough to keep under wraps the things he can not delude himself into.
The revelation takes a while to birth (he's always had his slow scatter-brained moments), but Allen Walker realizes the Akuma know his name.
Hesitant, mournful, pleading, and just so tired; Akuma really can't save themselves for themselves.
Some days he wants to hate them, sometimes actually can sum up enough energy outside his driven focus losing Mana induced rage to bother hating Akuma. Because he knows they hate him. Not just the metallic beasts that host the chained dammed, because Akuma can only do hateful things, or at least any person involved with Akuma can't help but be sorrowful in some way. But, the souls cling and suffocate him like needy infants that can't help but be selfish since that's all they know how to be anymore.
Allen has the power to rescue Akuma, although he can't save them all. So he lets them hate him because Allen thinks that's what Mana had desired.
Allen feels more kinship to the Akuma then to humanity despite Akuma's antagonistic relationship to him. Like Akuma, Allen is only bending and not breaking on the words of another. Just a skin walker of another without the hand me downs.
But, Allen starts shifting like the sun tainted sky from red to violet. .
The shift wasn't fast, took a year of killing Akuma, maybe a little more, for the realization to form that to him, Allen Walker, Akuma are more then just steps for him to take on the road to Mana's now hypothetical vision.
Allen's not really feeling such things as sympathy for Akuma. He's feeling pity for them in a way pity saves whatever sanity he has from being turned against completely.
"Master… they're horrible."
"More horrible then you…"
"Hmm." Allen nods, looking absent minded to any passerby. Cross does not look like it's worth an effort to feel disgust as he calmly lights a cigar and ordering to find a way to buy more wine by Allen's young self.
Sometimes Allen talks to Akuma, or thinks he does. Allen will say one thing – nothing too personal, no sense in doing that to such creatures, the machines will all respond similarly for his death or his absence (which according to some, is the same thing), and the souls will talk about their desires that are of no use anymore.
Help me, hate me phrases morph into prayers of their loved ones the chained souls will never see again if Allen does nothing for them in time.
It touches something inside Allen that he does not think has ever been touched so softly and yet so painfully before in his life. It's different because it's not directly about Mana even though Mana is still involved in some way. It's a different sort of loneliness for Allen, thinking the world is so big, that there are more Mana's out there for other Allen's. But the sort of new thinking that takes several weeks to become a reality sets in and Allen rearranges his plan for atonement. The curse, Mana's curse, is his; no one else's. Before Allen had always thought of it as Mana's since it came from Mana for the sole purpose of teaching him a lesson. But now, Allen starts to think that is a wrong viewpoint to take as an exorcist in-training.
These Akuma are pitiful. Much more pitiful then anything Allen has ever thought possible. There are just like babies who are not allowed to have a real Mother or a Father. Running rampage in their surroundings with no care for others all the while crying and screaming on the inside with no way of expressing themselves to a world they do not, can not connect to. At least Allen had a Father who protected him, even in the moments where Allen should have been hated.
It's a new kind of pity, one that could always stand side by side with sympathy. Allen does not view this mission of killing the Akuma just because he has to. Now he wants to with a vengeance of bringing down the Earl himself.
"I'll do it." He says to Cross Marian with Timcampy in his small arms. "I'm going to walk all the way there; even if I'm not the first to finish."
Cross, for once in Allen's life, looks unreal like a cloud on the verge of a storm that should not come. "Not with the way you are now, idiot apprentice."
It's probably the first time up until then Allen had ever briefly thought for a fleeting moment the man to be, slightly, almost likable.
Allen kills Akuma. Now, instead of a numbing feeling, a sense of deep pleasure replaces it inside his heart and killing Akuma is akin to Cross's love for women and good wine. Destroying Akuma makes him feel so good because it's just so easy to feel something with Akuma.
I have been unblessed, but live again.
More years past like a dream Allen can't even remember having when he enters the dark organization. Allen's still killing Akuma, but with a uniform on the whole experience now feels different. He's finally starting to find his way closer to his road instead of just wandering here and there across the world.
The Individuals are also different. Individuals are actually a new concept for Allen. Allen knows people; he's scammed, cheated, lied, and rescued plenty of them to know what people are. But, besides Mana and Cross (who have their own category, each separate from the other) individuals have never connected to Allen so strongly in that he knows he'll still want to see them tomorrow and the next day after that no matter what befalls them all.
It leaves him content enough to open up, be a little less shy about his appearance, such as not bothering to cover his head full of winter ash hair or blood red hand. Because they're the same in some ways (working with the same goal of destroying Akuma despite whatever different motivations they all may have).
Interactions are still a bit new, but Allen is taught, by Kanda of all people, what it means for many to be a destroyer. Allen has never thought of himself as a destroyer, atoner yes, sinner yes, savior yes, but never a destroyer who must only do that. It's hard to swallow, when Allen had looked into Lala's eyes and seen the Mana in her life so close to accomplishing what Allen never had and think of it as no big deal for the sake of the world. Allen realizes that the world is not just a mass of humanity. The world is a big puzzle built from so many tiny pieces that once one tries to apply to one piece as no big loss for the whole picture, the picture becomes lost and no one can remember what the picture was even about anymore or why they tried to build in the first place.
Pity is not even a memory when a bloody Akuma had rampaged into the scene to destroy a part of the puzzle that Allen had felt mattered too much to throw away.
Kanda again had taught him something, Allen wasn't the only one willing to protect something he detested. Maybe that, and in part of holding Lala's dying existence in his arms birthed a desire to not just see the Akuma, but also the people he has met in life not be taken away from their loved ones.
A destroyer that saves.
Allen's never liked to be alone, even if he's never been able to call himself very social – he's actually pretty reserved despite the friendly appearance he can fool people with. But he like having people nearby, always has really. They don't even have to be people he particularly likes (even someone like Kanda, who is an example of making Akuma look more likable in Allen's eyes). But he does like knowing he can be near people without worrying about them never coming back because of whims or uncertain plans regarding his future.
But still, people can be difficult for Allen. Lenalee aborted a poor soul to save another; him. Stopped him from doing what he lived for.
Allen's not sure how deep he's getting until he feels the cold slap burning so heavily on his face that compares to raindrops like oceans when he sees the tears of Lenalee released so heavily for his sake.
It's confusing, but for some reason Allen not only forgives her stopping him, but feels a little grateful, if not amazed or why until survivor instincts kick in and he's off again.
Because he's fighting a human, who couldn't possibly posse any humanity in Allen's eyes; it's so sad he can't pull the trigger even when he acknowledges these facts that should be enough.
"Such feelings will cause people to betray you one day." Road says as she slips through the door, unharmed and free of scars.
They already have. But Allen's not so ready to give into the thoughts. The noah shattered his eyes like falling glass, but he still not only has his pride as a soldier but as Mana's son to keep him fighting.
It's not too long when he interacts with Lenalee again that he realizes that yes, he does have friends. It's a lot of work actually keeping these friends much less getting used to them. Allen had already humbled himself earlier in knowing that yes, while he does know more about Akuma, his comrades can see them and people better then he sometimes can, as Lavi had pointed out in his own way that Allen read to heart.
Allen is good at manipulating (something he has and probably never will feel bad about). Be it circumstances or people, Allen can redefine situations to better events in his favor. Sometimes he's happy about it, such as with Miranda, who really turned out more beautiful then he imagined, or Krory, who made Allen feel so responsible that he couldn't leave such a soul to diminish away no matter what. But Allen is not sure just what direction he wants these people of the Dark Order members who smile for his sake to take in his favor in the long run, so, without Allen even realizing, he lets go on some level and lets things take their course. He only worries about keeping his facade up. Because, Allen has never planned for this, he actually concludes he likes being cared about by others so openly, even if it feels a bit embarrassing, just not in a bad way, really, all the time.
So later when he's down, after being betrayed by a comrade he's never met, angered and frustrated by not just Innocence in general but his Innocence's divine right to think of executing status, and nearly killed by a Akuma nightmare that Fou must deal with and possibly die alone for. Allen feels like a punch in the stomach just what he's been missing since not only when he put on the uniform, but maybe his whole life.
Allen is in love with Akuma.
It's not pity or sympathy anymore; it's a love he can not even have with anything or one else.
Akuma are easy to love.
Hideous, vile, and downright pathetic; it's all so sad. He can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to banish such poor pathetic creatures from this world to the next.
But there is a deeper sense still, so pretty and pure behind so many fake layers of masks.
Akuma need him, he does exactly what they want him to do, and then they leave while he moves on; it's as simple as that.
Akuma are a constant in his life that rarely is by his side.
They're all the physical link boy has to Mana Walker.
Allen's not even sure if it ends there. There is more to Akuma in his life then Allen thinks he has ever been aware of. They are Mana, they are him, and they are themselves; the trinity that Allen holds so dear. They are individuals too, monsters, but individuals that he will save, not because of what they have done, but despite what they have done. Because they ask for it so he will deliver.
His friends, precious, precious friends almost overshadowed this love he almost forgot and never realized so strongly his ache for. His friends are hard work, a different work then Akuma are. But it is something he loves them for. Not more then the Akuma, not so less.
Akuma give Allen a reason to walk, to know the meaning of reaching for horizons.
His friends give Allen a reason to rest, to have a home.
He won't forget either from now on.
Innocence responds well to this and Allen, for the first time, truly does acknowledge his Innocence, his Crown Clown, as his partner, precious partner who will do away with evil.
Allen meets Noah again. For as much evil as they commit, he can not completely forgive the anger he feels when he remembers the wandering group of cheating poker men with their young innocent charge.
Allen used to think, as long as he held the Innocence then he would be unstoppable. But he has learned such a way of thinking was not only false, but harmful. Allen realizes it humanity, deeply flawed and awe inspiring humanity for whatever reason keeps on walking. Allen is human too; he used to think throwing away his right to be human was the only way to going, now Allen acknowledges it is by keeping his humanity that makes him the most powerful human any foe could ever fight.
Fear me; fear me darker then a night with no moon for your eyes to see the laughing clown ready to chase you down and plunge the sword of truth into you.
I have no fearful heart within me.
Noah's are human too. Allen does not know why they do the things they do – doesn't ever want to understand. But he wants to fight for their sake as well. For humanity, because life without humanity is not acceptable whether or not Allen is still alive in the end. He will destroy anything he deems evil enough to stand in his way.
This is more then just his desire to protect his friends and his want to save the helpless souls who yearn for their loved ones. All of humanity make up the core of his being that Allen desires, hates, and most of all builds himself upon. Allen sees no difference now between Akuma and humanity. Both are creatures that can be sad, chaotic, lost, and so dang beautiful in what they see, do, and not do. They hide their true selves which in turn hides themselves from others that no one can lead them out of the abyss or find their haven.
In humanity/Akuma, Allen sees himself as well as what should not be himself.
Right hand: Humanity's sake, because this hand was born softer and sturdier to support himself and other humans with.
Left hand: For the Akuma's sake, because this hand was born symbolic and tenacious on what needed to be done and how it should be done.
It's all a part of Allen, it always has been.
Allen will save them all in the end.
Allen, be it by his hands or others, will make sure one day a world will come that will have only humanity built up of individuals who can live once and only once in this life time.
The spinning cycle of time will be destroyed and with it an endless spiral of uncertain future but hope will come.
At the very least, Allen thinks such a thing would be a nice dream for everyone.
Not everyone has this dream, some hate Allen, call him a devil – think Allen is the embodiment of evil just like the Earl.
Because he's different, because Allen has a different way of thinking, Allen's a different person from everyone, and no one can understand him (sometimes).
Allen can't let them know just how –not– different he is from them in so many ways.
Allen knows he should change, if he wants to be popular, wants to be safer, and does not want to cause confusion from what everyone that matters claims is right even when Allen can't comply as easily in his heart like his comrades can.
But being liked isn't the same as being correct. Allen can't forget about Akuma because doing so would mean forgetting Mana. Forgetting Mana, his Mana, not the fourteenth's, would be like forgetting why he's even here to begin with.
Allen keeps locked away in his heart what he fears from his human companions because he is afraid of having a fearful heart that will diminish all he has worked for. Because he is depended on and can not shatter what has taken most of his life to be able to cherish. Allen just has to hope he can stay the way he's become used to like a child who is fearful for their crumbling vision of family.
He feels the crumbling sensation of change and decides to smile a lie to break the hearts of others; though they do not realize until too late.
Allen has never prayed before, but he asks one time before the Black Orders creations of hellfire that he can keep holding on long enough. Just long enough is all he can muster until tomorrow where hopefully he does not feel the urge to shake his hands of the filth of excuse for humanity's (not the Akuma's) salvation as well as the ones who made it possible.
Right now, he'll just keep walking.
It'll be okay. Just trust okay? This is me after all who is saying this. No one else can take that away.
Allen tells himself he has plenty of time to rest his world weary soul later when he sees Mana again.
~~~*
I'm not sure where the line of selfish and selflessness ends or begins with you Allen Walker, or whether that even matters.
I hope you realize it one day. What else you hide away.
Thank you for this part of your story.
I hope I can know the rest.
Notes*
Who was talking to Allen in the beginning and very end? Was anyone even talking to Allen? Perhaps not even the author knows?
The title of this story Falling up Fearless is the name of a artist/song.
Sorry is there were any mistakes, I wrote this all in one day and I proofread it once (don't be afraid to tell me if anyone sees mistakes in here, thanks for reading).