THE DARKER SIDE OF LIFE.
I know that I'm posting this one-shot way before I've updated To Stop You From Disappearing, but that's most definitely on its way. I have glandular fever (mono to you lovely Americans) so I have plenty of time on my hands at the moment considering I'm not allowed into school. That being said because I'm ill this certainly isn't going to be my best.
WARNINGS: minor MPREG reference (blink and you'll miss it), depression and minor cutting.
NOTE: I've never had depression and therefore I'm sorry if any of this is inaccurate, but I have done research through the NHS website and stories posted on the internet from everyone's POV.
Ruby Maria Anderson-Hummel has her Daddy's hazel eyes - like gold, green and brown were beautifully at war with each other. She also has her Daddy's heart shaped chin.
But she doesn't have the comfort of her Daddy's arms.
When her Papa came home from work and found her crying at the top of her lungs in the crib where he'd left her that morning, he immediately bundled her into his arms to soothe the weeping eleven week old.
"Sshh, baby, it's okay - Papa's here." Kurt then began to hum a soft melody under his breath and it was at that point he really looked at the child he left at 8.30am that same morning. She had the same rosy cheeks, the same eyes, and the same soft, light brown wisps of hair that was already beginning to curl.
She also had the same cream onesie on that she slept in the night before, with the slight milk stain and spit up that graced itself on it when Kurt fed her that very morning.
It was the same onesie he'd asked his husband to change their daughter out of and bathe her as he left for work.
Panic immediately set in that Ruby hadn't been cared for all day, the thought of his beautiful baby girl just lying in her crib, screaming her little lungs out while no one came to comfort her. As if on auto-pilot Kurt checked Ruby's diaper, finding her clean and most probably recently changed; with this development Kurt adjusted the now content baby to rest on his shoulder and he walked across the hall into the bedroom he slept in every night.
As Kurt walked through the door, there lying was his husband on their bed on his back - staring blankly at the ceiling above him.
"Blaine?" Kurt softly introduced, before carefully perching on the edge of the double bed, Ruby still rested gently against him. Blaine simply hummed in recognition, no sense of emotion in his tone. "Ruby was crying." It was a simple statement with noticeable undertones of 'why didn't you go see to her?' 'how long has she been crying?' and 'what are you doing?'.
"Well she's been doing it all day, don't sound too surprised." Blaine grumbled, continuing to stare at the ceiling.
"So you just left her all day?" Kurt said astounded.
"Of course not." Blaine snapped finally breaking his trance and looking directly at his husband of nearly five years. Immediately Kurt saw Blaine's eyes; they were laced with worry, over exhaustion and the unmistakable red blotches that only came when he'd been crying - guilt overwhelmed him.
"Sorry." He whispered.
"I tried everything. Feeding her, changing her, cuddling, singing, playing, burping. Nothing... worked." The frustration in his husband's words were evident.
"Okay." Kurt spoke softly, readjusting Ruby into one arm so he could lay the other hand on Blaine's knee in comfort. "How about I take Ruby and get started on dinner, and you take a long, bubble bath and I'll come get you when it's done, alright?"
Blaine slowly nodded, before getting off the bed and moving to the adjoining en suite. At that moment Ruby decided to make her presence heard and start talking quietly in her own little language, making Kurt chuckle lightly. "Hello to you too." He cooed. "We're gonna go downstairs and make dinner now, yes we are."
Before Kurt knew it 30 minutes had passed and dinner would be ready in 10, while playing with Ruby in her baby bouncer chair settled on the table he shouted for Blaine twice to tell him dinner was nearly ready - he got no response and heard no sign of movement upstairs. Kurt figured he must of closed the bathroom door, so moved the bouncer off the table and settling a now dosing Ruby and the bouncer in the living room before dashing across the hall of their apartment to inform Blaine of dinner.
The first thing Kurt noticed when he walked back into the spacious, immaculately decorated, bedroom was there was no soft hum of Blaine singing coming from the bathroom, Blaine always sang softly when in the bath - who knew why - but then Kurt thought; when had he actually last heard Blaine sing? Before Ruby was born? No, it couldn't have been - Blaine always says he sings to Ruby to try and calm her.
He just hadn't heard it.
Kurt casually walked up to the bathroom door and pressed the handle down, the door was locked.
"Blaine, honey, it's time for dinner." He called through the door.
Once again no reply came.
"Blaine?" Silence. Panic was racing through Kurt's veins. "Blaine, open the door."
Kurt listened so closely for any sign of movement inside the bathroom. "Baby, you're scaring me. Open the door now... Fine." Kurt dashed to retrieve his wallet and got out the smallest coin he could find, all the years of living in the house during his childhood with a bathroom lock that would constantly stick was beginning to look helpful. Kurt used the coin to slot it into the rather large screw on the adjacent side of the lock, just a few stiff twists of the coin and the door should unlock.
It did just that, taking much longer than Kurt would have liked, with the panic over Blaine setting in and the thought of his baby girl sat all alone by herself just down the hall.
Kurt then once again pushed down the handle of the bathroom door and it swung open with vengeance.
Time seemed to go slow at that point; straight ahead from the door was his beautiful husband, towel around his hips (which were still a little larger from the pregnancy), hands resting on the white, porcelain sink, staring into the mirror right in front of his face.
The face with tears silently streaming down it and looking more heartbroken than Kurt had ever even imagined.
Kurt was about to walk up to his husband and ask softly what was wrong when he saw it. A drop of blood splatter on the pristine white surface of the sink. Kurt went into overdrive.
"Blaine! Baby, what have you done?" He rushed over to his husband tenderly taking his wrist in one hand and cupping his cheek in another. Looking closely at his husbands wrist Kurt saw that it wasn't deep enough to need stitches or hit a vein.
But it was definitely on purpose.
Blaine was like Kurt had never seen him, empty. His eyes showed no emotion, his expression blank.
Where was his Blaine? Kurt found himself asking.
Kurt didn't even wait for a reply from Blaine before he started cleaning, applying pressure and wrapping Blaine's cut.
"I'm sorry." Blaine's voice broke hoarsely and he stared at Kurt with such pleading hazel eyes.
Kurt looked up from where he had just finished wrapping Blaine's cut and smiled softly at Blaine, nodding in recognition.
"I just want to know why, Blaine." He said with tears in his eyes.
"I hate this 'dad' stuff. I don't wanna be anyone's dad. I want my old life back. I want to be happy again." Kurt's heart broke. Blaine was the one who first brought up having a baby, that he had this gene for a reason, to carry a baby and to be a loving, nurturing parent - how was this happening? This was his husband who was great with children, who was the best uncle in the world to Cooper's two kids and even taught some kids piano in the last year of college on the side. "Kurt, I can't do it. I w-wish I could Kurt but I haven't slept in three weeks, I go downstairs a-at 4am and do laundry and sterilise bottles because I can't shut off - I'm constantly agitated and when I do sleep... Oh g-god."
Blaine put his head in his hands and sobbed as he slowly bent to sit down on top of the toilet seat. Kurt was now crying himself and bent down to his husbands level and lifted his chin up to urge him to go on. "Blaine, please..."
"Don't hate me." Blaine pleaded.
"Never." Kurt choked.
"I - I dreamt a couple of nights ago that I smothered Ruby with a pillow." Kurt gave a sharp gasp of breath. "It was so real, Kurt, and in it - I didn't feel guilty, it felt right. I w-woke up and I went to check on her and my first thought when I saw her was that it would make everything easier. I can't do this, Kurt. Everything has to be right, and ordered, and clean and I can't make her stop crying, ever... All I ever wanted was a baby, Kurt, and now all I want is to die - because I feel numb; and Ruby deserves a better daddy... not one who c-can't l-love his own b-baby."
It was safe to say from that moment on Kurt got Blaine the help he needed. And his family was strong by both his and Blaine's side through all of it, helping with Ruby's care, helping Kurt through his guilt on not being there for his husband sooner and just trying to get Blaine better.
Never in his life had either Kurt or Blaine been so scared, the thought that Blaine might not get better haunted both of them daily initially - but as Blaine's meds slowly started to kick in, the change in Blaine was obvious.
Kurt had never once doubted that Blaine didn't love their daughter, even when he was sick, in Kurt's mind Blaine told him everything to keep their daughter safe - that to him meant a whole lot of love. And when four years later Blaine brought up the possibility of having another child, of course Kurt was scared, but Blaine was persistent: they both knew what to look out for now and they both knew that if the worse did happen - they could come out of it stronger than ever. Just like last time.
10 years on from Blaine's confession to Kurt in the bathroom of their old apartment, they were happier than ever. 10 year old Ruby was an intelligent, beautiful and talented little dancer who loved her daddy and papa more than anything - well maybe just as much as her 5 year old brother, Lucas.
Blaine felt down after the birth of their son, but before it could escalate he talked to his husband, then a doctor and it never got as bad as it did with Ruby.
Blaine still often felt guilty for the love he still feels he failed to show his little girl in the first months of her life, and both he and Kurt realised that kind of guilt will never go away. But they were happy, they were a beautiful little family of 4 that now believed they could tackle anything head on and come out the other side fighters.
And finished.
Sorry if anyone felt this inaccurate but the plot would just not leave me alone.
Reviews are, of course, appreciated: good or constructive.
Thanks x