BPOV

It's been 3 years, 5 months, 2 weeks, 4 days and approximately 13 hours since I've last seen Edward. Hour by hour, day by day, I've lost all hope of ever seeing him again. They say hope is the last to die. Does that mean I'm dead? Yes, it does. Bella Swan is dead. She'll never forgive him, but she'll try her best to forget and move on.

About one year ago....

Dartmouth was easy to blend into. No one noticed you if you didn't want to be noticed. Correction: it was easy not to be noticed if you were as plain and boring as I was. Nobody disturbed my silent brooding except my roommate Andrea. I've done everything in my hands so as to get a single room, but of course our campus was full and I had to settle for sharing and apartment.

Most girls would have been delighted to have Andrea as a roommate, I am perfectly aware of that. The girl is a clean freak, a brain and a shopaholic, all in one. Sometimes it made me wonder whether she was some sort of distant relative of a girl I once knew and loved. Luckily, i knew she was an international student from a little East-European country named something that began with 'R', but not Russia. I brushed that thought from my mind and took my sleeping pills. God knows I need them so I don't wake up at night screaming his name.

Between classes, homework and my drug-induced sleep, I managed to find a job that would keep my mind busy for a few hours each day and help me support myself financially. I had hated being so dependent on Charlie and Renee and Phil. My life went on like that for a while.

Luckily, Jacob joined me at Dartmouth. I was happy to see that at least he had a normal life. He and my roommate Andrea had something going on from the first moment their eyes met. I couldn't really pinpoint what exactly was going on between them, but they didn't seem to feel the need for intimacy and so we all spent a lot of time together. One particular night, we went out to a recently opened karaoke bar and we all got drunk. Take that, Cullen, teetotaller Bella would've never done that. That's twice in 10 days, if I recall properly. I was surprised that when we got home, Jacob didn't only walk us to the door of our flat, but he and Andrea started a serious tongue-match and he decided to crash. Actually, I don't think either of them really decided anything, since they were probably too drunk to count to ten. Thankfully, they were still sober enough to ignore my presence. As far as I was concerned, sleep was the only thing on my mind at the moment, since the high concentration of alcohol in my blood had previously meant a dreamless night's sleep, which was a great deal more precious for me than the hangover I was bound to have in the morning.

Speaking of morning, I was surprised to wake in a toasty-warm hug. I knew without a doubt that Jacob was holding me. Why he had chosen to crash in my bed was beyond me, when he had a more than willing Andrea just across the room. I opened my eyes to see her sleeping, sprawled all over the bed as usual. I closed my eyes and for a moment, my mind tried to imagine those hot arms as ice-cold while my ears tried to ignore the sound of the heartbeat beating steadily in the hard chest against my back. I opened my eyes again, realising that it was all nothing but daydreaming. I also realised that had been the only thing I've done with my life since he left, even if I had promised to myself that I'd move on. How much more time I was going to waste on living in my dream world? For a moment, a scenario wandered into my mind.

A girl spent her life pining after the most beautiful creature on the face of the Earth wondering why he didn't love her. She wasted her life waiting for her end, hoping that it will bring her poor, shattered heart some peace. One day, her life does end. She's weak and the only thing she has the strength of moving is her gaze. It travels to a mirror in her room, the room she hadn't changed a bit since her adolescence. And in that mirror, she does not see herself, but the man she had loved her whole miserable life, as perfect and as incredibly beautiful as he'd been the moment he left her. She reads disgust in his eyes and she closes hers, unable to withstand his sour expression. Still, she reminds herself that this is the face she has spent her life praying to see again. She opens her eyes, only to see that he is not alone. The most beautiful of all feminine creatures is by his side. He puts his hand around her hips and leans down to kiss her perfect pink lips. They lock gazes, and a blind man could see the love shining in their eyes. The old woman sobs, realising that the love of her life had found his equal in beauty, talent, and nature. She feels her heart beating faster than it has in years and she knows. She slowly closes her eyes and as she does so, she sees the two of them mocking her, holding hands while laughing at her moribund form.

Just as the movie in my head ended, I decided I would not be that girl. I would live a normal life just to taunt them. I will do everything they won't ever be able to do: live amongst people, with no concern of the weather, have children, die. I know they want all that. I know that even for them, eternity will become too much eventually.
I opened my eyes and realised I would forever remember that day, for that was the day Bella Swan died. Of course, that's not literally. I love my parents too much to do such a thing. But I decided to build a new me and that college was the perfect place and time to do so. Nobody knew Bella Swan there, so it should have been easier than I expected. And it was.


Back in the present

These days, everybody knows me as "Isa". Not "Isabella" and certainly not "Bella". Just "Isa". I made a big show of throwing away all things that made me Bella Swan, from the shampoo I use to the colour of my hair and eyes. I never get out without my deep blue contacts lenses anymore. Choosing a new hair colour was an easy task. Black wouldn't do, it was too close to my real colour, and blonde… it wouldn't have suited me. So I chose red. Not fiery red, but crimson red. Like the blood they consume. Like the blood that runs to my veins. This way, the hair is my very own symbol. It was the mental equivalent of cutting my wrists, as I've so many times wished I could.

There were so many interesting, intelligent people there, that I could always find something to talk about with virtually everyone. Since I decided to kill the Bella Swan he knew, I figured that meant the promises I –no, she- made to him as well. I took up extreme sports, and I fell in love with the feelings they caused. The only thing I didn't enjoy about bungee and sky diving was that the only thing I could compare the rush of adrenaline was one of his kisses. I didn't mention his name anymore. He was dead to me, and people don't mention the dead. What I most enjoyed was opening my parachute just seconds later after I was supposed to. The sensation that you hold your life in your hands that you could end it at any time, and yet choose not to was extraordinary.

Luckily, I had the right person to share the excitement with. Jacob had made my life palatable. I could always laugh with him by my side. Moreover, he made me feel safe. He was my best friend and I was his. We talk about everything and anything, including his love life. That certain aspect sometimes made me wonder whether he sees me as one of his buddies, not as a girl who is his friend. Either way, I decided I didn't really care as long as he was there for me.