Day 1 – 10:31 AM
Dudley refuses to get out of bed this morning. It's all a plan to make me late for the Hogwarts Express, isn't it? He's such a fucking faggot.
9:34 AM
Aunt Petunia reminded him that I wouldn't be here for the whole school year if I went to Hogwarts. So he got up.
I don't know if I should be happy about that or not.
9:36 AM
I think Uncle Vernon is purposefully taking a long time to bring my luggage into the trunk. He keeps 'accidentally' dropping it. But it's every few feet.
Thunk. "Oh, oops!"
Thunk. "Oh, oops!"
Thunk. "Oh, ooooops!"
9:41 AM
We just got into the car, thank God.
9:42 AM
Dudley's such a fatso.
He had trouble getting through the car door.
10:40 AM
We're stuck in traffic because there's a crash ahead.
Oh, dear Lord! Why did you stupid muggles have to crash your car? Couldn't you have, like, avoided whatever fucking problems you had?
Because I'm Harry Potter! Do you know who exactly I am? You won't like me when I'm angry! Do you hear me, muggles? I am Harry effing Potter. I get whatever I want, when I want it!
10:42 AM
Turns out those muggles who crashed died.
Dear Muggles: why did you have to die? Couldn't you have avoided death?
It's not like it hasn't happened before.
*cough* DEATHLY *cough* HALLOWS *cough*
10:49 AM
Pulling up to the station. There's an old woman driving in front of us and she's going as slow as hell.
Old Woman, will I need to hex you? Hurry up already!
10:52 AM
FINALLY AT THE EFFING STATION! Uncle Vernon literally threw my bags out of the car and pushed me out. Yeah, sure Uncle Vernon, don't care about my trapped owl in her cage. It's not like she wasn't already in a bad mood, but that's all right. Yeah, uh huh, that's fine, you faggots.
They were laughing as they drove away.
They're all such asses.
10:54 AM
Where the crap is Platform 9 3/4? I can't find it! They couldn't have changed the location, could they?
10:55 AM
THEY CHANGED THE STOP OH EM EF GEE.
10:56 AM
I still can't find the effing stop. Hedwig's giving me the evil eye.
10:57 AM
HEDWIG STOP GLARING YOU'RE NOT HELPING ANYTHING AT ALL...
10:58 AM
Found the stop. Hedwig almost jumped out of her birdcage right when I went through the wall though. So I panicked and ran into a wizard on the other side of the wall.
"Boy, what the hell are you doing?" I was appalled.
"Do you know who I am?" I shout. I push up my hair to show him my scar and he practically fainted.
I love being me sometimes.
10:59 AM
A guy just went through the wall right when I was still in front of it. He obviously ran into me. Again… I am appalled.
"Whoa, whoa, whoooaaaa," I yell, turning around. "Do you know who I am?"
It happened to be Neville. He hides his head, mutters, "Sorry, Harry," and walks away.
11:01 AM
On the train. Finally.
11:02
I just realized. Neville had one of those carts with the child seat in the front.
He set his plant there.
I think we must all question his sanity at this point.
11:06 AM
Found an empty compartment. Texted Ron and Hermione and told them where I am.
They said they found the platform right away.
Well, then. I guess I couldn't find the platform right away because I'm not ginger.
11:08 AM
Ron and Hermione walk into the compartment. Ron is wearing one of those ridiculous hats of his again to try to hide the fact that he's a ginger, and Hermione is looking like her know-it-all self, with her mouth tightly clenched as not to reveal her hideous buck teeth.
She tries to rearrange Ron's hat. Now that's a mistake.
"Hermione, GERROF ME!"
"Ronald, shut up and let me help you!" Scabbers climbs over her arm and onto the top of his hat. It surprisingly helps to cover up all of Ron's flaming, ginger head.
"Oh," Hermione concludes in surprise. "That's better."
11:09 AM
"I can't see," Ron's complaining.
"Shut up, Ron. If it covers your ginger-ness, than it's worth it."
New word of the day: Ginger-ness.
11:11 AM
Hermione is staring at Ron dreamily and he has no idea. Did she make the hat go over his eyes on purpose?
11:12 AM
Hermione's taking pictures of Ron's crotch. But I decide not to tell him. It'll only freak him out and make Hermione hate me for life.
I'll ask Hermione if I can see those pictures later. I'm quite interested.
… No, seriously. I know for a fact he works out.
11:16 AM
Ginny, Luna, and Neville arrive. As always, Ginny is completely decked out in makeup that makes her look like a prostitute more than anything; Luna is wearing her radish earrings, rainbow nose piercing, and bottle cork necklace, reading the Quibbler upside down; and then comes in blubbering Neville, holding his plant close, wrapped in his arms.
Everyone sits down. Luna and Neville are on either side of me. Ginny – who I must say looks extremely good looking this morning – sits next to Hermione.
11:18 AM
Ginny asked to look at Hermione's pictures. She was obviously getting aroused every time she changed the picture, because I could see her eyes widen every time she clicked the button.
"Who is that?" Ginny whispers. Ron's hat still covers his entire face. "He has a gigantic dick."
11:20 AM
Ginny left. She got on top of Ron, having no idea that he was her brother, and began talking to him like an effing client. But then she lifted up his hat. She practically left he compartment in tears.
"Don't think about it," she muttered through sobs. "Don't think of incest, Ginny. Just don't even think about it!"
11:26 AM
"I think I'll water Fiona."
"Fiona?"
"Yes, Fiona!" Neville takes out a watering can from his backpack and waters his plant.
"You named your plant Fiona."
"Stop it, you're insulting her..."
11:38 AM
Ron is still slightly oblivious to Hermione's taking photography.
"Hermione, is that a camera I hear?"
"NO. WHY WOULD I HAVE A CAMERA?"
12:46 PM
"Why is it suddenly so foggy outside?" I say. "It was sunny a few minutes ago."
"Maybe it's the hinkypunks. I do sometimes see them walking on the Hogwarts Express train tracks. They have a tendency to lurk around train tracks, you know. Tell me if you see a floating lantern anywhere. That should be them."
"Oh, Luna. Have you been smoking weed again?"
12:50 PM
"I think I'll water Fiona."
"Didn't you already water her?"
"No, what are you talking about? You're so forgetful, Harry."
… ?
1:28 PM
Luna's gone. I thank God once again. Now there's only Hermione, Ron, Neville, and I.
… And I guess there's Fiona.
1:34 PM
The compartment door slides open. In comes Malfoy with his drugged up cronies behind him. And he's wearing the same tight pants he does every day, trying to show off how much of a bulge he has.
But I must admit, I can't stop looking at his crotch.
"Potter. Out."
"What?"
"You heard me. Get out of the compartment. This one has the best view."
"All of them have this view."
"So what? Get out." What the hell? I won't put up with this!
"Do you know who I am?" I shout. He looks at me oddly.
"Um, obviously. You faggot."
"Oh, uh… right."
Awkward silence!
1:35 PM
"… Just leave, Potter."
"Okay."
1:37 PM
Before we leave the compartment, Hermione quickly takes a picture of Malfoy's dick. She can't keep her eyes off that thing.
1:38 PM
We couldn't find any other compartment that was empty after searching the entire train, so we had to use one that already had someone inside. It was this old man who was totally hungover, leaning up against the window sill with his cloak swept over him. He had an empty beer bottle in his hand and a few more lying at his feet.
Well, there were actually probably like 10, or something.
Oh yeah, and he was asleep. His snoring was atrocious. I could barely hear myself think.
And hello! I'm Harry Potter! I need my space to think.
1:39 PM
That Professor person is breathing all my air.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY.
1:41 PM
Ron picks up his hat over his eyes and looks at the drunken old man.
"Who the hell is this guy?"
"That's Professor Lupin," Hermione pointed out. She stared at Ron dreamily. "Aren't I smart, Ronald?"
"All you needed to do was look at his suitcase."
She takes off his hat and smacks him in the face with it. Scabbers, who was still on his hat, squeals as he is flung against the window.
SPLAT.
1:43 PM
"I think I'll water Fiona."
"Shit, Neville, that plant is going to die," I say. He just stares at the floor as he waters his somehow-female plant. He strokes its leaves.
"It's okay, Fiona. Don't listen to the mean man," Neville mutters. "Don't listen to him."
2:29 PM
Hermione gets out her suitcase. She sets it on the seat and opens it, holding out and observing her Hogwarts uniform skirt, shirt, tie, and robe.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Well, I was thinking that we should all start changing into our uniforms soon. It's starting to get dark."
"It's foggy out. We can't tell if it's dark or sunny at all. And it's only 2:30."
"Well, um, I'm just going to change anyway, okay?"
2:31 PM
Hermione, why the fuck are you changing in our compartment?
"Hey, Ronald, lift up that hat of yours!"
Oh... never mind.
2:34 PM
Dang it, girl, I never thought you'd have such a fit body. Even Ron is going all googly eyes on you, and he isn't even straight. And Neville hasn't blinked in the past minute. And he's in love with a plant! Now that's talent, right there.
"Are you sure you have to put your clothes back on?"
I didn't mean to say that out loud. Neville ignored my comment, but Ron glared at me as Hermione smiled seductively, taking off her shirt to put on her classy Hogwarts one.
And dude, after seeing that, all that I said earlier was nothing. I am outright shocked.
2:35 PM
I'm pretty sure I saw that Lupin guy sneak a peek at Hermione's tits when she took her shirt off.
They are pretty impressive.
2:39 PM
Hermione has her full outfit on by now. Now the only thing to look at is her face. That ruined her whole sexy image for me. And I'm pretty sure Neville was turned off as well. Ron still stared at her, his hat pushed really far up, Scabbers still sitting on top.
2:40 PM
"Was I dreaming?"
"No, you weren't dreaming, Ronald. You actually saw me changing."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive. I saw you watching me."
"Really?"
"Yes, Ronald."
"Are you sure?"
"Good Lord, will I have to show you again?"
"That's not a bad idea! Why don't you?"
2:42 PM
I think Hermione may be Ron's reason to go straight.
He can't stop looking at her tits. He's practically drooling.
2:49 PM
"I'll think I'll water Fiona."
"Neville, do you have short term memory loss?"
"Why would you say such a thing? My memory is perfect! Isn't it, Fiona?" The plant stayed silent. "You know, Fiona, you're not helping at all!"
3:10 PM
That old Professor guy just woke up. You know, the one in our compartment - Professor Loopy, or whatever his name is. But he's no different than how he was asleep. He must have really gotten drunk and high last night.
"Whoishoiahgrioeqnkv."
"Excuse me?"
"Hgirohdskhigrheoinv."
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK ARE YOU SAYING!
3:19 PM
Why the hell has the train stopped? The fog is really pressing up against these windows now. It's getting creepy. It's even made Ginny and Luna return into our compartments. And even stupid Malfoy, with his tight, bulgy jeans and bleached hair, GAHH.
"There wasn't anywhere else to go," Ginny explains as she fixes her hair and sits down. "In a literal sense. The train's been shut down, the trip's delayed."
"Delayed?" Hermione says. "Why has it been delayed?"
"Hermione, your eyes are so brown!" Ron stares up at her in awe and amazement. Luna sits down next to Ginny.
"I told you all. The hinkypunks are out to get us all! Just remember – if the train fills with fog, and there's a bright lantern, don't follow it!"
3:20 PM
"Yfdosahoivnldfhsaoghoe," Lupin slurs. Malfoy leans against the compartment doors, trying to look sexy by trying doing a Justin Bieber hair flip with short hair. He looks to Lupin.
"Who the hell is he?"
"Edfiosahgo! IREhdshohd hoiehwqpog igehw ohgoifdhsoah."
"Oh, you're Professor Lupin? How are you?"
"Fhiohdh hioehpog gfhe! FDhid osha pgh igfdshagh?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Thanks for asking!" Malfoy leans over to Ginny and Luna. Hermione leans in as well. "I'm fluent in Drunken."
"Yeah," I say loudly. "You of all people would speak it."
"Yeah, exactly, Potter." Yeah, that's right, Malfoy.
No, wait…
4:00 PM
"Oh my God, I AM SO FRICKIN BORED. What have we to do?" Malfoy says pompously.
Everyone puts in their own opinions. I suppose I'll just write down the quotes. I'm guessing you'll be able to guess who says what.
"Ooh! We can read the Quibbler out loud and explore the many worlds of nargles!"
"We can SHUT UP and confide to ourselves in the corner."
"AJIOEWHOHGO HOSHO GHEOIWNVNOHW OHOIG!"
"We can watch Hermione take her clothes off!" Everyone looks to Ron at his odd statement. "What? You really need to see her tits. They're amazing."
"Blagajsd ahgklfdshalgh!"
4:01 PM
"I think I'll water Fiona."
I know better than to make a comment this time.
4:03 PM
I'm so bored, I made up a new phrase.
I'm as bored as a board. Hehe.
4:07 PM
GAHH SO BORED TO DEATTTHHHH. The air is, like, not moving in here. I'm getting claustrophobic. What with all these distractions. That Lupin guy smells so much like beer and smoke that it's intoxicating, and so is Hermione's perfume that she's sprayed all over herself. I'm pretty sure that Scabbers just went number two on Ron's hat, but he's too tantalized by Hermione that he doesn't notice. Luna is drooling over Ginny, who's drooling over Malfoy, who smugly sits in between her and Lupin.
And I'm just kind of here. What the fuck is this? I'm Harry Potter, dammit, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!
4:11 PM
I sit between Ginny and Luna. I ignore Luna's upset expressions and Ginny's confusion.
"Hey, baby. The train's delayed, right?"
"Yeah, isn't that what I just said?" Ginny answers irritably.
"Well, then, doesn't that give us a lot of time to, you know. Get some action?" I smile at her, trying to show her my awesome smile. But I don't smile too big. I don't want to blind her with my beauty.
"Yeah, um, I don't think so." What! She's a prostitute! HOW CAN SHE SAY NO!
"Yeah, um, I do think so, sweetheart." I try to pull her closer to me, but she pushes me away. I try again, but she pushes again. I stand up and yell louder than I mean to, "WHY WON'T YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME!"
Everyone stares at us. Neville shields Fiona. She just looks up at me like it's no big deal. I can feel myself sinking as she says, "Sorry, but I just don't have sex with geeks who wear glasses. Especially yours. Ugh, those are such grandma glasses!"
She waves her hand off and pushes me onto my original seat.
Oh, now that totally turned me on. She is so playing hard to get. I like that, I like that a lot. It makes her twice the amount of sexy - and that's saying something!
4:15 PM
Okay. Here I go. I'm taking off my glasses in three, two, one ...
Can I write? Yes, I can still write. But my God, it's sloppy. And Jesus, my eyesight is worse than I thought it was.
But come on, dude. You are a stud. You are a stud. You are a stud.
"You are a stud!" I say aloud. Again, everyone stares, even drunken Lupin.
I think I have a real problem with this now. I need to calm down and just think in my head for once.
4:16 PM
I grab a seat between Luna and Ginny again.
"Hey, baby. How you like my new look?" I can barely see her face, so I don't know if she's smiling or not. She just observes me. She holds up a blob that I'm guessing to be her hand.
"How many fingers am I holding up?" she asks. Oh, dear Lord, why does this stuff always happen to me? But I tell myself - you are a stud. You are a stud! You can do this! It's just a number!
I guess in a confident tone. "Eleven!" I say.
No, wait...
Ginny slaps my face and pushes me onto the ground.
"You're such a dickhead." Malfoy kicks me in the nuts.
"Yeah, Potter. You're such a dickhead."
"Oh Draco, that was such a good comeback!"
"Anything for you, baby."
4:17 PM
I put my glasses back on. Good Lord, that handwriting was really sloppy.
4:19 PM
Luna's got her Drug Pack out. She's sharing cigarettes and beer with Lupin. They both hold up their beer bottles.
"Dsjfiods," Lupin slurs. "FDHSikorewhgoih dbofheogh!"
"FDshf ioewhiogh reionbof hfoidrshoaib ghf oihforih!" Luna shouts. They clink their bottles and heartily drink.
Guess who's gonna get who preggers!