What am I thinking? Good question, folks. I'm not entirely sure myself. But, hey, you expect this kind of strange stuff from me, right? So, why disappoint the fans? Right, right, I'll get to the point. I'm gonna, strictly and purely because I have nothing else to do, write the worst garbage imaginable. Ready for the "plan"? Well, alright. Have you ever imagined what it might be like if 007 were a wizard? Or if Harry Potter were a secret agent? No? Good, I'm relieved to see I'm the only idiot capable of sinking that low. In any case, I decided to go a step lower than even those horrible ideas. I've COMBINED the two! Bwaha! Now, cower in fear as I unleash Jarry Ponder into Pigpimples School of Witchcraft and Gadgetry, hopefully for the last time ever....

Chapter One: The Boy Who Didn't Die (Take that, copyright)

Rivet Drive was hardly riveting- Excepting that it was where rivets were sold, and on this particular day 'twas raining. What does the rain have to do with it? The rain ran in rivets. So shut up and let me, the distinguished Englished, get on with the story. At 12345 Rivet Drive lived the most ordinary family you could imagine. Well... Alright, maybe not. But, there lived the No's. Julius No, his son Defnitly No, and their maid Juanita all had a perfectly normal, no-nonsense life, hijacking nuclear weaponry and using it to attempt global domination.

Now, it so happens, on one particular fateful day, Julius was heading out for work and he saw a cat at the corner of Rivet Drive and Unusual Place reading a map. He hardly noticed, however, for he was too busy running over the cat with his front left tire. Twice. Wait, wait, three times. Okay, four, and then he continued on his way, wondering what on earth he had seen. However, he quickly forgot about it on the way to the other end of Rivet Drive, where he would commence selling Rivets. It just wasn't proper to sell rivets on the East side of Rivet Drive, after all. On the way, he spotted another unusual occurance; there were people in black robes zooming over the street in jetpacks. Now, Julius didn't approve of people who dressed strangely, and was quick to use the laser weapon he kept in the back seat to vaporize half a dozen jet-packed robe-wearers. Afterward, it occured to him that maybe they were doing it as some sort of stunt, or perhaps they were collecting. As it turned out, he was right, and had to evade the police.

When Dr. No arrived at the building in which he worked, he went right to his office and began working immediately. He kept his door facing the window, so that anyone who might enter through the doorway would be left in suspense as to his true identity. This was rather fortunate for him, as hundreds of owls were wrongly delivered to his building and constantly flew by the open door. However, Dr. No, with his back turned to all of this, had a perfectly normal owl-free day. He yelled at a few people, dropped a few henchmen into a pool of pirahna, and was feeling generally very happy by lunch. Then, things changed entirely. On his way back from Ye Olde Donut Shoppe, a place he frequented, he ran into a man who was dressed in black robes- but this one had no jet pack. And he saw no collecting tins... This all worried him very much, and he was certain this was an enemy spy. He flung his arms into the air, dropping the box of donuts he had only just purchased, and rambled off an obviously memorized statement of how he had no involvement in any of the recent illegal weapon dealings. This all proved to be pointless, as the man simply hugged him around the waist and said,

"Rejoice, good sir! Even moogles like yourself should-"

The man cut himself off as he saw a little white creature walk by, and promptly saved his game with it after apologizing to Dr. No over the misunderstanding. Now that that bit of Final Fantasy reference is out of the way, it would be worth mentioning that Julius No had heard the man whisper the name "Jarry Ponder" as he had saved his progress with the moogle. This worried Dr. No very much, as Juanita had told him all about her sister's friend-of-a-friend Lilac Ponder and how she very much preferred to pretend her sister didn't have a friend-of-a-friend. He rushed to his car and made equal haste in getting back home to tell Juanita all about his day. When he got as far as the man talking to the moogle, he suddenly wondered if it was such a good idea to mention Juanita's sister's friend-of-a-friend's son to her. Unfortunately for him, he only wondered that after he had told her.

"WHAT?!" This, of course, was Juanita's reaction.

"I just thought you should know," replied the doctor meekly.

The house shook with their ensuing argument, Julius insisting that they should find out just what was going on, and Juanita insisting that Julius become well acquainted with the sharp end of her pocket knife. After much debate, or rather once Juanita finally cornered Julius, they (she) decided on just leaving the matter alone.

Now, as it so happens, the cat Julius No had run over that morning was only the stunt double for the cat who was really supposed to be there at the time. At that night, just in time for this next scene, the cat came back and managed to hide the remains of it's stunt double well enough under a bush before it was distracted. The distraction came in the form of an old man sliding down a wire lowered from a completely silent helicopter hovering overhead. The man had long silver hair and an equally lengthy silver beard, which he had neatly tucked into his ninja gear. As his feet touched the ground, he waved the helicopter away and eyed the street lights. He focused carefully on a spell to put them out, so that he could avoid discovery, and had almost finished the incantation when he muttered and misplaced a syllable. The lights suddenly grew immensely bright, blinding all who were looking out their windows. The wizard shrugged his shoulders. He had, after all, achieved the same effect- no one would see him now.

The cat screamed and suddenly grew and changed it's form to that of a human woman. The woman muttered a spell of her own, and dark sunglasses were conjured over her eyes.

"Mumblemore, what are you thinking?" she asked.

"Ah, Professor McGonagall- though, I suppose I should call you by your codename tonight. In any case, I suppose I should have expected you to be here, Agent Moneyknutty."

"Does this really qualify as such a high class mission?" Moneyknutty McGonagall questioned, unsure exactly what had brought Mumblemore to Rivet Drive tonight anyway.

Mumblemore merely nodded his head thoughtfully, staring upward as if waiting for something to drop from the sky. After studying the heavens for a moment, he lifted his right arm and inspected his wristwatch. The watch was brightly colored and made of cheap plastic, and he sighed upon finding that it was broken.

"Never again will I purchase my watches from McDonalds. Moneyknutty, those sunglasses do look most fetching on you. Reminds me of a song..." At this, Moneyknutty and Mumblemore both broke into song.

"I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can watch you weave then breathe your story lines..."

The badly sung duet was interrupted as a giant unicycle fell out of the sky and landed in front of them. And if the unicycle was huge, it was nothing compared to the man who rode it. He was nearly twice the height of any other man, and the rest of him was proportionate to his height. The man dismounted his unicycle and held out a carefully bundled baby to Mumblemore. Moneyknutty McGonagall gasped as it dawned on her who this man was, and just what it was Mumblemore had entrusted him with.

"You trusted Haggard Jaws with... Oh, and that can't be... Mumblemore, that just can't be- I've heard it said that Lilac and Jameson Ponder are... But, they aren't, are they? And that isn't...?" The distraught woman looked hopefully to Mumblemore, but he failed to reassure her.

"Yes, I'm sorry. Lilac and Jameson are dead. And yes, that is their son, Jarry."

"But how did he live? It was... /01)30®7, wasn't it?" she asked, speaking his name in leet out of pure fear.

"Moneyknutty, please! Call him by his proper name; Voldemort Stavro Blofeld. It all gets so confusing if we speak it in leet, Mumblemore insisted.

"Er, sorreh to interrupt yeh sir, but shouldnae we be gettin' this lil lad sommer safe?" Haggard interrupted, flashing them a nervous grin with his steel teeth.

After agreeing, Mumblemore took Jarry from Haggard's still-outstretched arms and led the others over to the doorstep of the No residence. He began fishing around for something in his pocket, but McGonagall suddenly realized what he intended, and made her objection clear.

"Mumblemore, you can not leave that boy here! He's a Ponder! Everyone in our world knows his name, and he can't possibly go to live with these people anyway, they're horrible! They ran over my stunt double!" She argued, but Mumblemore merely shook his head in response.

He pulled a note from his pocket and laid both Jarry and the note at the doorstep, then stepped away. Haggard was now crying, and McGonagall still looked positively horrified at the thought of leaving Jarry Ponder with the No's.

"Moneyknutty, that is precisely why he must stay with these people. Growing up a celebrity for something he can't even remember, well... Well, then I wouldn't have an excuse to leave him with complete strangers. I'm an eccentric old man, leave me alone."

The others didn't dare to argue with him, as many considered him the most powerful wizard ever, though Haggard did ask if he could say a proper goodbye. This consisted of Haggard, who had a beard and hair that together encompassed the majority of his face, giving Jarry what must have been a very scratchy kiss- and accidentally got his teeth snagged on Jarry's sleeve and easily ripped a hole in it in the process.

"Er... Sorreh." quoth Haggard.

"Oh, don't worry about it. Julius No has a son about Jarry's age, I'm sure they'll have a replacement shirt or two. May we see the boy again soon... To the boy who didn't die!" Mumblemore exclaimed.

"And... To the cat that did," Moneyknutty McGonagall added, gesturing at the bush she'd buried the stuntcat under.

McGonagall and Haggard left silently, and only Mumblemore stayed behind to try to put the lights back to normal. He tried the spell he had attempted earlier, and finally succeeded on the fourth try, lowering the light level to what it had been before he'd messed up the first spell. He then turned to leave, and merely uttered, "Good luck, Jarry," before tripping over his cloak and falling into an interdimensional wormhole one of his prior failed spells had generated.

Jarry Ponder slept peacefully for the remainder of the night, never dreaming that he would be awoken the next morning by Juanita's screams as she tried to knock him off the doorstep with her broom before being stopped just in time by Julius. Never dreaming that he would spend the next day being told "No. Deffy No!" by young Defnitly No. Never dreaming that he came into being only to amuse a few people before probably being forgotten and abandoned by the author before even the first book was finished.