A Type of Madness

Adam had met her husband at a Cattleman's Association meeting a few months before and hadn't cared for him; he seemed too impressed with his position as the third largest land owner in that area of Nevada having just bought the property from the previous owner's widow at what Adam considered an evil price; he and Pa had considered buying the land but the large piece of Tom Bryant's property separated it from the Ponderosa by too much distance to make it a viable purchase. Adam listened to "Buster" Reid bluster in the meeting about what he thought the price of beef should be this time of year but in the back of his mind, Adam believed the man to be a complete jackass. So when Adam eventually met Reid's wife at the Cattleman's Association dance, he couldn't accept the fact that she was so lovely and delicate and at least 20 years younger than the man who held on to her as if he was frightened by the way she and Adam smiled at each other. And he should have been frightened because that was when Adam was smitten, and unbeknownst to Adam, she was enthralled with him and his dark looks and swaying walk, the looseness of his hips making her feel emotions she didn't recognize.

But because she was married, Adam tried to get her off his mind. He saw other women, took them to dances and kissed them on their front porches. He even took a few of the saloon girls upstairs but every night as he lay in bed, his mind would go back to her and what she had looked like in church that past Sunday. And he would think of how she had turned her head and looked at him with her large, dark eyes. And because he remembered her slender waist and could vividly imagine slipping his arm around it and pulling her toward him, he would drive himself practically to madness visualizing her with her husband. He would squeeze his head between his hands to try to block out the thought of them together, but he couldn't. And often, in the middle of the night he would wake up in a cold sweat, his sheets damp, having dreamt about her.

So things went on that way for months and she would glance and smile at him whenever they met in town or saw each other at a social gathering or in church and Adam could find no satisfaction from the fire that burned inside him. He wanted her and no one was a substitute although he tried, he tried.

And then one day Adam was checking line and he saw her riding in the distance. He waved at her and she came over and he noticed how flushed she was and how she seemed uncomfortable talking to him but wouldn't leave. And they made small talk and she laughed, and when she laughed and he looked up at her with the sun at her back like a nimbus surrounding her, he knew he had to have her, had to own her body and her soul and he told her that he would be finishing up the line tomorrow. She said that if she was out riding then, she would see him and then she turned her horse and rode away but she stopped once and turned to look back at him. Then Adam knew she would return tomorrow and all night he couldn't sleep for thinking of her nor could he calm the passion that was raging inside him.

And the next day Adam kept looking up at every noise, hoping to see her riding up and finally, in the late afternoon, he was rewarded for his vigilance; she rode up and dismounted. At first they were awkward; both knew what this meant, that she was willing to be with him and she was nervous and kept wringing her hands, but he asked her to sit and so she did and they began to talk. And Adam watched her as she spoke and saw how young and lovely and how very small she was, and his desire rose; he wanted to protect her and have her for his own. And as he memorized every nuance of her expressions and the movements of her small hands, she found things to say, neutral things that didn't require much thinking and he realized that she was unsure of him, so he leaned over, and after pausing to see if she would stop him, he gently kissed her. She didn't react except to stop breathing momentarily. And then he put one hand on her cheek and she took his hand in hers and kissed it. He had never had a woman be tender with him and it moved him in ways he hadn't known he could be. Adam took her gently in his arms and bending her backwards, he kissed her neck and small sounds escaped her. He ran his hands over her, amazed at her delicate bones, and she didn't protest, but she moved slightly under his touch.

They lay side by side on the grass and the fresh scent of the air and the smell of the grass mingled, and from then on, whenever Adam would smell the scent of grass on the air, he would be struck with sadness remembering the first time he had been with her, her beauty and the pleasure she gave him.

So he stroked her cheek and told her how lovely she was, how he thought of nothing and no one but her, how he wanted no one but her and that she was the one desire of his existence. She reached for him and kissed him and he took her there on the grass. And she seemed not to understand the violent passion that overwhelmed him. He wanted her but when he had satisfied his body, he realized that his soul still ached for her. He knew then that he was doomed; there would be no getting her out of his blood and so he tried to absorb the moment and her, the feel of her skin and her hair and the sound of her voice so he could call them up in his mind as he lay in his bed nights, desiring her.

She curled up in his arms and clung to him and he clung to her; she was so lonely she said. And slowly at first, the words came out about her marriage and then they poured out, about how Adam was her first man; her husband was impotent, had been from the start and the thought of having a beautiful, young wife whom he could never please had turned him into a jealous, angry man. Although he had never struck her, never hurt her, he said cruel things and his awkward fumbling at the beginning of their marriage had ceased and they slept apart since she hadn't been the cure for his dysfunction and Reid had told her that he would never divorce her; she knew too many things.

And as Adam looked at her, trying to memorize her expressions, he felt that he was going mad with a desire that would never be resolved, never, and his ears began to sing with the song that was in his blood, that pounded through him with a longing and an ache that he had never felt before.

But what he wanted was to have her completely and he knew that he could never have that, never have the ultimate union with her that he both desired and needed; she could never be his. And so he suffered a loss mixed in with his joy. And as she held him, his head on her breast, her hands caressing him, he longed for her even as she was there with him. It was a type of madness.

So Adam told her about a hunting cabin his family had, that tomorrow he would take her there and they could have the afternoon together and she agreed. So from then on, they met as often as they could and it was in the cabin that they created the bond that sealed their fates and she became as hungry for him as he for her and all they wanted was one another.

And because she was young and unpracticed in the ways of love, Adam was patient and kind and she didn't know how to respond; no one had ever been so considerate of her feelings, so indulgent of her. And each time he took her in his arms, he marveled at her fine bones and the gentleness of her spirit.

The most disturbing element to Adam was that sometimes he would see her smile at her husband during church or see Reid put his hand on her, and Adam would become jealous and he wouldn't be as gentle when they were together, and she was always a little afraid of him at these times. She knew he was capable of great feeling and as much as he loved her, she knew he was afraid of losing her and his fear would put an edge of cruelty on his love. But yet, she had never known there were such joys open to a person and never expected to feel this way with anyone.

And so they went on in this way and Adam became more desperate for her. He knew his family realized that something was different with him but he couldn't tell anyone what it was. And Adam felt that things were now different between him and his father and brothers; the conversations were different. But then, to Adam, everything was now different. His senses were more acute; the sun seemed brighter, the sky more blue and the grass seemed so green that it hurt his eyes and he felt even the slightest breeze as it caressed his skin-and he would think of her.

And then one afternoon she was late in coming to him and Adam was practically out of his mind with worry until she finally rode up. He saw she had been crying and he pulled her into his arms and sat on the bed and held her in his lap, crooning comforting words to her and rocking her as he would a child, but in his arms at last, she broke down until she was spent. Nothing could be so bad that they couldn't make it better, he told her. And she told him that she was with child and didn't know what to do; she was afraid, most afraid of her husband and what he might do.

But Adam softly laughed and told her not to worry, that they would go away together; he had suggested it to her a few times before but she would only look at him, frightened, and he would remind himself of her youth and naivety and he wouldn't push the matter. But now she agreed. He told her to give him two days to settle some matters and then to meet him there at their usual time with only what she could carry on horseback; they would go to Canada and live there. No one would look for them in that wilderness. And Adam was particularly gentle with her that afternoon and their love-making had a particular poignancy to him. It seemed as if she was now, somehow, even more precious to him, if it was possible, and so essential to his life that he could no longer conceive of an existence without her, nor would he want one.

Adam felt a sense of panic rising as he hurried to meet her at the cabin, He was late and was afraid she would be gone. The matter of the draft at the bank had taken longer due to the people in front of him, but he had wanted to wait until the last moment to take the money out. It was his money but he didn't want anyone to say anything to his father if he happened to go in; it seemed that everyone made the Cartwright's business their own. His father would know once he found the letter Adam had left.

So Adam felt great relief when he finally arrived at the cabin and her horse was outside, a carpet bag tied to the bedroll. He went inside and she looked at him and he was again struck by her dark eyes and how they went to his soul. She ran to him and he held her against him and she confessed that she had been afraid that he had changed his mind, that he had decided she was too much worry and trouble and that he had deserted her. He gently chided her for her fears saying that nothing could make him change his mind and that if he had to, he would travel through hell itself to get to her. Then the sense of urgency pressed on him and he guided her to the door; he knew they should leave. And in his mind he was rethinking the route they would take to get to the Nevada/Utah border the fastest.

As they stepped outside into the sunshine, Adam saw Reid standing there and before he could say or do anything, he felt a crushing blow to the base of his spine and his knees buckled and he collapsed on the ground. Waves of pain ran through his body and he felt his legs shake from the trauma. He could hear her cry out to please not hurt him, she was to blame, not Adam. She was begging her husband to let Adam go, to not harm him. And Adam turned his head to try to stop her from pleading and saw Reid draw back his hand and then slap her across the face. Adam watched the spray of blood come from her nose and mouth and then she fell backwards and Adam tried to get up; he wanted to destroy Reid, to smash his face as he had his wife's. He pulled himself halfway up when he felt a kick to his ribs and then he realized that there were at least two, maybe three other men there and he knew that he was a dead man, that he was going to die here and if God was merciful, she and his child would escape with nothing worse than what she had already received. He prayed quickly for her deliverance as he felt another kick to his other side and then he felt hands roughly grab him and pull him up and saw Reid come to him, pull back his fist, and Adam felt the blow land on his cheek. A wave of nausea came over him, and then Adam felt an upward blow to his solar plexus and the breath left his body; his thoughts went back to when he was a child and fell from a tree and had the wind knocked out of him and he felt as helpless as he had felt then at the desperate attempt to breathe again. And then they dropped him to the ground and he felt more pain as they continued to kick at his back and his sides and he was helpless to protect himself and then, mercifully, a blackness came upon him and he felt nothing.

Adam felt as if he was drowning. He would rise to the surface upon occasion, hearing familiar voices, his family's, and then he would sink under again and the blackness would absorb him. When he was conscious, he wondered where she was, and then he would remember what had happened, that the last he had been able to see of her was as she fell backwards on the ground and then he would try to sit up; he had to get to her but his body wouldn't respond to his will. He felt as if he were tied down, weighed down with sacks of grain that sat on his chest. And he would feel such pain whenever he even tried to open his eyes that it was impossible. But he would know when it was day or night by the light that came through his lids.

Then one day, he managed to open at least one eye, the other, only a slit above his swollen cheek, and he saw his father sitting by him. Adam turned his head, moving through the pain that shot up his neck, and his father leaned over him, saying his name and stroking his forehead. Adam tried to ask about her but no words would come out, just a guttural sound, harsh and low. His father helped him to take a few sips of water and then, as the cool water soothed his throat, Adam became determined to live, determined to see her and to see their child when it came. He would destroy Reid if she were harmed.

A few days later, Sheriff Coffee arrived. Adam could hear his father argue with him, telling Roy that Adam was still unable to talk but Coffee said that too much time had passed and if he couldn't get some evidence from Adam, he would have to release the two men he had arrested. So he heard his father relent and allow Coffee in.

The sheriff asked Adam if he could hear him and Adam opened his eyes only to see Sheriff Coffee look down and shake his head. Adam didn't realize that Coffee was still disturbed by the way Adam looked and he wanted to get justice for him. If Coffee had his way, he would have immediately shot the men down as the killers he believed they were, but he was the law and had to abide by it.

Adam closed his eyes again and listened while Coffee told him that he had arrested two men for the beatings, two men who worked for Reid, but he had scant evidence. If Adam could tell him, if Adam could identify them, he could hold them. Otherwise he would have to let them go. And then Roy told him that there also was no evidence tying them to Mrs. Reid's death, that she had been found the day after his brothers found him, thrown into a shallow gully and that she had been beaten to death, almost every bone in her body broken and that she had been barely recognizable. That was what made him think that the two men who beat Adam and left him for dead were the ones who had killed her as well; Coffee, although he was sure of the reason, did not ask Adam about the connection in the beatings.

And when he heard that, Adam felt pain far worse than all the physical pain that he had endured. A sound that was akin to an animal's howls of agony rose through him and escaped as a choking, unintelligible sound that was ripped from his chest. He could feel the warmth of his tears as they ran down the sides of his face. He couldn't bear this, he thought. That she was no longer in this world was unimaginable and the thought of her large, dark eyes and the sweetness of her mouth and supple smoothness of her body being destroyed-it would have been like a man crushing a sparrow in his hand, the delicate bones snapping and cracking. The pain she must have suffered tormented him and the thought of the fear she must have felt for him, for herself and for their unborn child before she died was more than he thought his soul could bear. He willed himself to die but he knew he would live-he had to. There were things left undone.

But Adam gave no answer to Coffee. So Roy left, unsatisfied.

It took a few months for Adam to recover, and even more time for him to get his body near its former condition. He would lift buckets filled with water to build up the muscles of his chest and arms and he would place the buckets apart on the ground, then slide a fencing post between them and squatting, lift them on his shoulders as he stood. He would clench his jaw as his back protested but he continued.

His father was pleased that Adam was restoring his strength and endurance but he was afraid of the darkness that was over his son. He knew Adam was obsessed; he recognized the determination, the same determination that was in himself.. He had read the letter that Adam had left telling his family that he was leaving and not to expect him back; he would explain it all later when he wrote again. And because of that letter, they would never have searched for him except that his horse returned without him. So Hoss and Joe set out to find him with Ben following in the buckboard. And because Hoss was a good tracker, they found Adam in time to save him although they were almost sure he was dead. And Ben knew after Mrs. Reid was found dead, that Adam and she had been together and that all this suffering was the end result of their love.

But Adam recovered and the only visual reminder of the beating was the deep scar that ran along his left cheekbone. As Adam had lain insensible, Doctor Martin had treated it, reshaped the fractured cheekbone as best he could and attempted to give Adam some semblance of his former beauty, but it couldn't be fully restored. Yet Adam barely saw it when he looked in the mirror to shave; he barely saw or noticed anything.

And then one evening as they sat at dinner, Sheriff Coffee came to talk to Adam and Hop Sing. One of Reid's men, one of the two who had been suspected of killing Mrs. Reid and almost killing Adam, had been found outside Carson City, his body carved up like a side of beef. It had been done while he was still alive Doctor Martin had said, and it had been done with a domestic butcher knife and Coffee wanted to know if Hop Sing was missing one from the kitchen. Hop Sing was insulted and shook his head, no, and said no knife was missing. All his knives were there. Come see, he told Sheriff Coffee, come count. But the sheriff looked at Adam who claimed not to know anything about any knife and Coffee went away, knowing the truth but not knowing .

And then a little over a week later, another man had been found dead on the Bryant property; the tracks showed there had been two men, one or horseback and one on foot, the man on foot walking ahead of the horse. Coffee wasn't sure yet who the dead man was since his face had been smashed with the blunt side of a hatchet but it wouldn't take long to know if he was the other man who was suspected in Mrs. Reid's murder. Doctor Martin had said that the man had drowned in his own blood, choked to death by it. Adam shrugged; he knew nothing and Ben said that their hatchet was still in the barn. But Hop Sing had come out and he and Adam had exchanged knowing glances. Again, Coffee left with his suspicions unproven.

A week after that, Adam said that he had some business to take care of and would be gone about three weeks. He packed his bedroll and some food and rode off and his father wasn't certain that he would see Adam again, but three weeks later Adam was back. He told his father that he had decided to go to sea for a while, had the urge to get away, and that he was going to San Francisco to take a ship to the South Seas, that he had read Cook's diaries again during his convalescence and decided that he would do the same as Cook before he became too old. And his brothers and his father sadly let Adam go but Adam had laughed and said that he would be back, maybe with a Tahitian beauty for each of them.

Almost a week later, Sheriff Coffee showed up at the Ponderosa. He had sent a telegram to the law in San Francisco to see if they could find Adam Cartwright before he left port but he was already gone. It appeared that Buster Reid had been found dead in his barn on a piece of property that he also owned in Arizona; Reid had left Virginia City shortly after his wife was killed and gone back to Arizona, telling Coffee that he couldn't stay with the horrible memories that were in Nevada and Coffee had been unable to stop him.

Coffee said that he had received a telegram to be on the lookout for a dark-haired man with a scar on his left cheek who might be headed toward Virginia City. It seemed, Coffee said, that Reid had been tied, spread-eagle, on the barn floor and had been tortured, having his tongue ripped out and his nose sliced off and, after being castrated, his privates were found in a pile on the straw-covered ground next to his tongue and nose. He had bled to death. A man fitting Adam's description, a man, a stranger, with dark hair and a scar on his left cheekbone had bought a skinning knife in the nearby town and was a suspect in the case. Sheriff Coffee said that he was sure it was Adam and that when Adam returned, he would have to answer questions if Reid's death remained unsolved.

And Ben was glad then that Adam has gone to the warmth of the sun and the open sea; the trip might cleanse his soul. And he hoped that Adam would be away for a long time and then return as the man he knew so well.

~FINIS~