Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks or any characters.
I knew that Brendan Brady was bad news. Hell, I worked for him. I knew what he was like. I was scared of him, still am actually. He was capable, is capable of murder, of beatings, of mindless destruction. He killed people. He deserves prison the only shame is that it didn't happen for good long ago.
I always believed in soul mates but I never thought I'd actually see it. Brendan and Ste. They were meant to be, under all their problems. It took me so long to realise it because I couldn't see past their troubles. Their chemistry is undeniable. I tried to get in their way and got spat out the other side. I understand now what Ste was afraid of. I know now that their love is the most destructive form. The kind that burns from the inside out. That is all consuming.
I know that Ste used me, oh he loved me but it was a quiet love. Nothing like the fierce passion between them. I was what he needed to fill some part of the void that Brendan's love left in his life because he couldn't face it again. And I see it now. I see it in his eyes, in his tone, in his anger. He ran into my arms to be safe, safe from the reality of their love and what it could do to him.
He's hurting and it's typical that he hurts everyone around him. He's pushing everyone away from him and there weren't that many of us here in the first place.
He wants to be miserable. I know that feeling. His mind screaming to be alone but at the same time begging for someone to make it okay. At the moment though it's far easier to hurt people and push them away because he doesn't want to hear that it will be okay. That he will learn to live with it, I'm not naïve enough to believe he will ever get over it. Although right now as I watch him on his self-destruct mission I doubt it will be any time soon. He isn't ready to hear it. I offered and realised as soon as it was out of my mouth that it was the wrong thing to say.
I fall into the trap he sets and I have a go back at him. He knew Brendan killed Danny Houston. He knew that Brendan was a murderer long before this. He's not the victim but he is. The second he heard the recording at the wedding I knew that it wasn't some secret between them. That he knew that Brendan was a murderer and he still loved him. That he could forgive that man anything as long as they were in each other's lives. That as long as they were within arm's reach, even if they weren't together, it was enough to get by on.
I always thought that Ste was just an obsession for Brendan. He only wanted him when he didn't have him. I thought that everything was about power and control and that he hated not having that over Ste. But I see it now. I see the love that he kept buried under the surface because I've never seen Ste as happy as he was when he had Brendan and the kids. I thought I made him happy and I did but I didn't make him whole not in the way Brendan can. I couldn't be what Brendan is to him and in a way I'm glad because what I'm witnessing I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
It's hard to hear him so bitter and twisted but I know that the Ste I know, the one I feel for is under there but I realise that even though I heard what he was like when he was younger, what he did to Amy, what I got a very small taste of when he pushed me, I don't know what he is truly capable of and that scares me. He grew with Amy's love and help, he managed to change but this is a regression and I haven't seen this side before not really. This is the side that terrorised Amy. This is the side that took a baseball bat to Brendan and I'm not sure that I can cope with it. I'm not sure I can't be scared of him instead of just scared for him.
It would have been better if Brendan had died. There wouldn't be a question of betrayal not in the same way, his lover is still alive and still loves him. I know that Brendan will never stop loving him, because I know that Ste will never stop loving him. He never has stopped. They have never stopped. They've pretended. They've pushed each other to the limit but in the end they will never stop.
He knows that Brendan will get life, knows how long he will have to wait. Knows that he has at least 30 years to wait and he doesn't know if he can wait that long. If he can live with that for that long. He's staring down a 30 year stretch of his own and right now he's sure that he can't make it. He can't even see making it through the week. And the truly scary thing for me is that I can't see it either. Not now I've seen the destruction a couple of days brings. This is the tip of the iceburg and just how bad it's going to get isn't worth thinking about because I know in my heart that this could kill him.