Burn
By Ella
Tell me I'm frozen, but what can I do,
Can't tell the reasons, I did it for you.
Everything hurt.
His skin felt like it was burning, like flames were running rampant through his veins. His head was pounding, as though his brain was too large for his skull. Every minute sound was magnified a thousand times, the scurry of rat claws across the ground, the sound of water trickling through the loose bricks sent is head throbbing. Even the slightest amount of light caused his retinas to feel like they were on fire.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been there, how long he'd been sitting in this cold, dark, damp, cliché prison cell.
He doesn't remember how got here. He doesn't remember who captured him.
Some days he doesn't even remember his name.
Sirius. My name is Sirius, he reminds himself.
But just remembering his name isn't enough. Because he still can't remember who he is. Why he's here. Why he deserves this.
He is certain there must be a reason. Some part of him believes he deserves the torture he receives everyday.
Was it everyday?
He can't remember. He can't remember what day it is. He can't remember how long a day is. Has he been here long? Has he been tortured everyday of his existence, every hour even?
But he doesn't know. Every moment of his life has blended together. He can't tell the difference between what happened yesterday from what happened six years ago. His like is a mess of vague flashes he can't remember ht meaning of.
Is this even life?
He scratches his arms raw, trying to alleviate the burning in his veins, trying to remember.
Who is he?
Sirius. He is Sirius.
But who is Sirius? Who is the person who goes with this name?
Someone opens the door to his cell, sending a small but painful amount of light into the room.
He scurries into the corner, away from the light, but…
He remembers this. This is when someone comes in. He is never sure who. Is it the same person each time? Is it a man, a woman? All he knows is the black hooded robes, the white mask, the never ending hallway he is dragged down each time to be 'questioned'.
He can't remember what the serpent-like man wants from him. The man hisses questions at him, but he doesn't remember the answers. But the man doesn't believe him. And with each answer he doesn't receive, the pain grows worse.
He wonders if he ever knew the answers to these questions, if the people he asks about are people he once knew.
He wonders what he told the man before he forgot everything. He wonders if there was an everything for him to forget.
Who was he? Was he anyone? Was he someone who knew the answers to these questions? Was he someone who would have fought to keep them from this man if he did?
Would he have betrayed these people to save himself, if he could remember?
Betrayal.
The concept was almost beyond him. He ponders the thought of betrayal as he is dragged back to his cell once more.
Had he betrayed anyone before? Had there been anyone for him to betray? Had there been anyone he cared about, anyone who trusted him with secrets? Had he betrayed them?
He wishes he could remember. He wishes he could remember who he was. He wishes he could remember if there was someone out there looking for him.
But then…
Part of him wonders if he's worth remembering. Maybe there was a good reason he'd forgotten. Maybe there was a good reason he was still here, in this prison. Maybe he'd done something wrong. Maybe he'd betrayed someone and he deserved this sentence.
He isn't sure why this bothers him so. Why the thought of betraying someone eats away at him like the rats eat away of the moldy breadcrumbs in the corner. What does he care? If there was anyone he could have betrayed, they obviously weren't worth much, otherwise he might have remembered something of them, something of himself.
But the fact of the matter is, he can't remember. He has no memories of who he is or what he's done.
The door slides open again and he can't help but wonder, is it time again? So soon? He'd just been dragged back in?
Hadn't he?
Or had is been hours, days, weeks since he last left. He couldn't remember.
But the being standing in the doorway is different. Taller, skinnier. Different. He is… softer than the others.
Different.
The man in the doorway removes his mask. Sirius looks up at him for a moment, trying to understand the emotions flooding over him. Emotions he can't remember feeling. Flashes of memory fly through his mind with each emotion. It takes what feels like forever to place exactly what everything means.
The overwhelming excitement and terror of first kisses. The awkward happiness of first dates. The warmth and love and contentment of each other as they stare out at the lake in the dead of night, only the light of moon illuminating them. The pure bliss of waking at each other's side.
Hurt.
The hatred of betrayal.
And suddenly everything returns to him.
He is Sirius Black god damn it, he is pissed.
"YOU MOTHER FUCKING TRAITOR!!!!" he screams.
"Shh," Severus Snape hushes. Before Sirius can get another word in, Snape is at his side, his hand pressed against his mouth to prevent another outburst. "They'll hear you."
Everything hurt, but suddenly the burning of his skin and the throbbing in his head where the last things on his mind. All that mattered to him now was killing the traitor in front of him. The man he once called his friend, his lover.
"Sirius, please," the man begged as Sirius snarled angrily. "I know you don't want to talk to me, you don't want to be near me, but please just listen."
Sirius glared at him, but ceased his efforts to escape his grasp.
"We have to get you out of here," Snape said. "But we have to be careful. Put these on," he said handing him a set of robes and a white mask Sirius hadn't even realized he's been holding.
Sirius looks up at him, confused, but takes the robes.
"What's going on?" Sirius asked.
"I'm getting you out of here. Get dressed, quickly."
Sirius does as he is told, but doesn't understand.
Once he is dressed and his face is covered, Severus helps him to his feet and allows himself to be used as support for the injured man.
"How are you getting me out?" he asked quietly as they walk down the near empty hallways of the Dark Lord lair, Sirius limping and supporting as much of his weight as possible on the Death Eater.
"Once we get out of here, out of the anti-apparation wards, I'll get you to safety."
They continue their journey in silence as Sirius pondered his lack of specificity and wondered briefly if this was a trap.
A few Death Eaters pass them, only one or two giving them any sort of acknowledgement.
"Traitor," Sirius mumbles somewhere along the line.
"What?" Severus asks, unable to hear the other man.
"Nothing," Sirius shakes his head, immediately regretting it as pain shot through his head.
"Look, I know you think I betrayed you, betrayed the others, but I didn't," he begins.
"Like hell you didn't," Sirius muttered under his breath.
"I didn't!"
"What do you call this then?" Sirius waved his arms emphatically at the walls around them.
"I did this for us, for the future."
"Bull shit."
"Would you just shut up?"
Sirius sighed, but waived for him to continue as they walked out what appeared to be an exit. They were now in the middle of a deep, dark forest.
"I come from a long line of pureblood Slytherins, you know this. That makes me the perfect candidate for a Death Eater. When my parents tried to have me recruited, I was going to fight back. But then I realized it was the perfect opportunity, and Emily agreed. This was before… well, you know. So I said yes. I joined-"
"How long?" Sirius cut him off?
"Since the summer between out sixth and seventh years."
"So right after… god," Sirius pulled himself away from Severus but stumbled without the added support, so latched back on. "I can't believe you would do this."
"I know," he said. "I know I should have told you and I'm sorry. And you have to believe me, when I left, it was the last thing I wanted. But I was getting in deeper. I have to get in as close to Him as I can. And the closer I got, the more I learned. But he learned some things too. He made some threats and I didn't dare try him. So I left. I got away from everyone. I've been feeding Dumbledore information at every chance I got. We're here," he said, stopping. "Lily's waiting for us at the Hollow, are you ready?"
Sirius nods.
A sudden wave of dizziness comes over Sirius as they apparate away.
The reappear in the middle of a dark street, but Sirius is too weak to keep himself standing and his mind can't fight off the darkness that overcomes him.
He's standing in an endless darkness. He wonders what has just happened.
He drifts back into consciousness as Severus lifts him into his arms. Everything is suddenly extremely dull and he can't feel anything, he can't open his eyes, he can't speak. He is only comforted by the pleasant scent of the man carrying him as he drifts away once more.
He isn't sure how long he is in the darkness, time doesn't seem to have meaning.
The next thing he remembers is faint voices, filtering through his mind. After a moment, both voices fade and Sirius can feel that he is now alone wherever he is, with only Snape in the room. He can feel it.
"I know you think I'm a traitor," the voice says over him. "But I did this for us." He feels a light kiss planted on his lips as he fades away once more.
He has lost almost two months. Two months that he can't remember anything of. Lily tells him he'd been captured by Death Eaters, that he was tortured everyday, sometimes several times a day, for almost two months. She says that Snape got him out, brought him to safety.
He wonders why he can't remember two whole months of his life. What happened in those two months that his mind is protecting him from?
Why can't he remember?