Fifteen Ways to Seduce your Taichou: Muddled Mondays

A Tokyo Kitty Production

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or any part of Bleach. You can tell pretty easily as I'm pretty sure Kira and Ichimaru aren't the main characters of the real series.

A/N: It's been a super long time since I wrote anything!! First year of college really killed me but now that I'm finally done I can get back to writing again. Bleach is a pretty new thing for me. I've got a few fic ideas popping around my brain (especially for GinxIzuru) but I thought it'd be fun to start with a silly one before I get in to some of the more serious ones so I can get down Ichimaru's dialect and whatnot. Plus this idea wouldn't leave me alone. I like to believe their relationship is more than just creepy and has its silly moments too and this would represent one of those silly weeks. This is set before Ichigo and co. invades Seireitei and whatnot but there's no real specific timeline. I hope you enjoy it and laugh; I sure laughed a lot coming up with this idea.

Post Note: I will break my usual rule of not using Japanese suffixes and terms in fanfiction to use it in this　one due to the importance of its nuances in Bleach. I will refrain from writing full sentences in Japanese or using overly used phrases because I believe that does take away from the overall dialogue but the suffixes are in. For those who have only watched the series in English, here are a few simple translations:

Taichou: Captain (this is the Japanese term for err…all of the captains, I don't think the English calls them by anything else).

Fukutaichou: Vice-captain or Lieutentant, not sure what the English decided to call this. This would be the position of people like Kira, Renji or Hinamori.

Reiatsu: I think the English for this is "Spiritual Pressure" in Bleach this refers to the unique spiritual power signature that each shinigami possesses.

-san: Like English Mr./Mrs. It denotes a less personal relationship (do I even need to explain it? I figure most know…)

-kun: A title you tag on the end of people's names. It can be used to show a personal relationship or friendship. It can also be used as a pet name for significant others.

-chan: Used mostly for girls names but works like kun.

Haori: Traditionally a shorter open cut kimono worn as a jacket. In Bleach this is the term for the white numbered jackets Captains wear.

0000

Monday.

It started out just like any work week in the Third Division. Kira arrived at his desk some time around 8:00 AM, diligently working on paperwork until Ichimaru-taichou sauntered in some time around 10:30 after a Captain's meeting. It was some time around 11:30 when Kira set down his brush, thinking about heading off to lunch to find Renji and Hinamori when Ichimaru poked his head into Kira's office.

"Izuru." He said slowly and Kira all but fell out of his chair having not heard nor felt his captain approaching.

He quickly straightened his desk, sitting up properly in his chair. "G-good morning, Ichimaru-taichou…. Was there something you needed?"

"Nah, not really. I just poked ma head in fer a minute an here ya are…all day dreamin and stuff. Yer work all done then?" He asked moving slowly across the room until he was right in front of the blond, one hand leaning on the edge of his vice-captain's desk.

"Not quite yet sir, I have a few more papers still." His eyes turned away from Ichimaru as he approached, focusing his gaze at the papers still sitting on his desk.

"Really? Looks like yer done ta me…" Ichimaru said flashing Kira a crooked smirk.

Kira looked slightly confused and lifted up the small pile of undone documents on his desk as proof. "T-taichou, I've still got these to-"

Ichimaru knocked the documents out of his hand and they fell to the floor in a rather loud disorderly pile. Kira looked stunned for a moment at Ichimaru and then at the documents on the floor. He was about to lean down and pick them back up when Ichimaru grabbed his wrist and held it fast.

"Nah, I think yer quite done wit yer work fer now, Izuru." He crooned long, pale fingers stroking the back of his hand slowly and suggestively.

Kira shivered at the use of his first name, which felt like a greater luxury than its usage to get his attention earlier. "T-taichou, I really should finish those papers…I am supposed to meet Abarai-kun and Hinamori-kun for lunch." Ichimaru's grin faltered a little bit, his curved eyes growing a little more serious. Kira back-pedaled. "Well I mean that is if they're done with their work too. Maybe they're overloaded with paperwork too…"

"Tha's more like it my lil' Izuru." He smiled again, still holding tightly with a near vice-grip on Kira's hand as he moved around the desk. Kira moved his chair back automatically to allow Ichimaru room. He leaned down until he was mere inches away from his face in front of Kira. His eyes slanted open just slightly and Kira sucked in his breath a little, knowing that predatory look well. "This is more like wat ya want anyway, izn't it, Izuru?" Kira couldn't respond verbally. He nodded lightly, long blond bang bobbing a little with his nod.

When Ichimaru did finally kiss him, Kira couldn't repress the groan that escaped his lips. He could feel the slant of Ichimaru's smirk against his mouth as his tongue pushed into his subordinate's mouth, exploring familiar territory. Kira's hand reached around his captain to grab hold of the fabric of Ichimaru's captain's haori, urging him on. Ichimaru broke the kiss, instead moving to the shell of Kira's ear where he bit lightly on the sensitive skin. Kira's breath quickened and when Ichimaru finally let go of his other hand, Kira instantly clung to the front of Ichimaru's robes, trying to bring him closer.

Ichimaru chuckled lightly, a deep husky sound that made Kira shiver again. He traced the shape of Kira's ear with his tongue, reveling in the whimpering sound Kira made. "Ya want it bad, dontcha, Izuru…" He said barely above a whisper into Kira's ear. The blond's head rolled back and he gave a quiet yes. Ichimaru moved down to Kira's exposed neck, pushing Kira's robes away a bit from his shoulder. " 'Course there's a problem wit all o' this…."

Kira opened his eyes again shooting Ichimaru a confused look but the white haired man continued. "Ya make it all too easy on me, Izuru~" his hand trailed down Kira's chest slowly as he talked, "but I'm always da one doin' all the work ya see." He accentuated the end of his sentence by brushing his palm hard over Kira's crotch eliciting a loud groan. "See, yer so hard already, but wat about me, eh lil' Izuru? Ya never try very hard ta please me."

Kira balked, pulling away slightly. "That's not true, Taichou! I will always try to please you!!" He responded quickly, trying to urge Ichimaru to continue his ministration by moving his hands down to Ichimaru's hips, but the older man was already backing away.

"I don' think ya really understand what I'm tryin to say, Izuru….Maybe ya should be the one ta have to lay the moves on me fer once, eh? Pull yer own weight is what I mean." He folded his arms in his sleeves, much to Kira's displeasure hiding pale, beautiful hands under layers of fabric.

Kira's head was swimming and he couldn't hide the expression of pure panic now etched onto face. "Please sir! Give me another chance, I promise I can please you in any way you desire!"

"I'm not so sure 'bout that, Izuru~ Perhaps you should think 'bout wat it is ya really wan' over tha' paperwork yer so concerned 'bout or lunch with Abarai-san or Hinamori-chan. I'll leave ya to it then, eh? Bye Bye~" He waved nonchalantly over his shoulder.

Kira tried to stop him but it was too late. Ichimaru disappeared into his office, shutting the door behind him. Kira knew better than to follow him. He sighed, trying to right his clothes again, wondering exactly what he'd done this time to warrant this kind of treatment.

He stood from his desk resolving that he could at least try to enjoy lunch with his friends. He would do something about Ichimaru later, but how to seduce his captain who was practically a walking example of sex appeal and seduction to him to the point where his mere presence made speaking difficult? Surely he, Kira Izuru, couldn't even hope to make himself seductive enough to attract such a person.

Kira straightened his clothes one more time before heading out the door. So much for 'another normal week in Seireitei'.

This was not going to be easy.

0000

Kira hadn't been able to find his friends at lunch. They had probably been there earlier wondering where he was and then left when he hadn't shown up. Kira had finished eating a quiet lunch alone and was now heading out of the dining area when he felt an all too familiar reiatsu approaching.

Or really he felt the person's chest long before he felt the actual reiatsu.

"Mastumoto-san!" Kira choked out in surprise as the older woman hugged him from behind.

"Kira-kun! It's been a while! How long has it been since we last went out drinking? We really need to do that again…" She finally released him and Kira was thankful she had hugged him from behind. Hugging the well-endowed woman from the front always made him feel awkward because he wasn't exactly sure where to stand, or put his hands for that matter.

"It has been a while Matsumoto-san. I wish I had time to but there's really some paperwork I should be finishing up back in the Third division…."

"Oh don't be such a hard ass Kira!" She smacked him hard on the back and Kira coughed as the wind was knocked out of him. Matsumoto had never really known her own strength and Kira thought she always had a rather drunken carelessness about her….Maybe she was really always drinking. "Forget about all that paperwork, Gin can take care of it, there's really no point to all those useless documents anyway."

Kira really didn't want to go back to the office anyway, so he willingly let himself be dragged off by Matsumoto back to the Tenth Division. They passed Hitsugaya-taichou along the way, Matsumoto explaining they were going off to get drunk. Hitsugaya sputtered and yelled at her something about it being sloppy to get drunk before the work day was even over. He only noticed Kira being dragged off when the blond started apologizing profusely for the disturbance.

Ten minutes and yet another captain angry at him later; Kira was sitting with Matsumoto on the deck outside the Tenth Division, a sake cup in his hand and a large flask between them. Another thirty minutes went by and he and Matsumoto were now well on their way to being drunk, Matsumoto having procured another completely full flask from God knows where.

"Ya seem down today, Kira. Not tha' ya don't usually seem down…Jus' more than usual…." Matsumoto slurred her words together, haphazardly filling her own cup again and then topping off Kira's.

Kira took another long drink. "Mah, it's nothing…Ichimaru-taichou's just got me down is all." He said slowly. He wasn't as drunk as Matsumoto thought he was; he was more plying it up for her benefit. He wasn't drunk enough to let anything slip; Kira knew Matsumoto had liked Ichimaru since she was young and knew better than to say too much about his relationship with his Captain.

"Ah! That man, I swear…he just causes all sorts of troubles. Don't let him get you down too much, Kira-kun." She downed the rest of her cup and poured another right away. Kira was always surprised at how much sake the woman could take. She must have drunk nearly double the amount Kira had, not that he'd really been counting.

"Yeah, I'll try." He looked up at the sky thoughtfully; the sun was setting behind the high walls of Seireitei although the sky was still mostly blue. "I really should be getting back to work though…." He said lamely, even though it was well past usual work hours. He stood, handing the cup back to Matsumoto.

"Ah well, guess all good things gotta come to an end." She got up too, dusting herself off despite a lack of dirt present on her robes. "Here though, at least take this with ya for good measure." She produced another even bigger jug of sake out of thin air, handing it to Kira. He really needed to learn where she was storing all this stuff. He nodded with a smile and bowed politely before turning to walk back to the Third Division. He walked the first fifty feet or so, before deciding to hurry up and break off into a jog. Matsumoto chuckled lightly, plopping back down on the porch and picking up her cup again.

"That kid, wonder what really's going on. He never says too much, even drunk…." She pondered out loud pouring another drink.

"MATSUMOTO!" The booming voice of her young Captain could be described as nothing but terrifying and she dropped her cup, spilling all over her hakama and the porch. "Would you stop drinking already and get in here and finish up this goddamn paperwork!"

She turned a bit; Hitsugaya wasn't standing in the doorway although it had sounded like he was right there. Could he really sound that loud all the way from his office? "Ya sure you don't want to join me Hitsugaya-taichou? I won't tell any one since you're underage 'n all-" She never got to finish her sentence as a huge chunk of ice came hurtling through the open door and smashed into the tree directly behind her.

"Okay, okay, so you're not jokin,' I'm coming…." She stood, leaving the sake cups and flask on the porch, she would be back later after she had taken care of what ever her short-tempered Captain wanted done.

0000

Kira arrived back at the office just as the sun had sunk below the walls turning the sky bright reds and purples. He sat down at his desk frowning at the renewed stack of paper work. As he started to read over the first few pages he realized that these papers had been on Ichimaru's desk earlier. He sighed as there really wasn't much he could do about it and continued to read through the documents, determined to finish some time before midnight.

The sky had turned dark as he was just finishing up the last one when he felt Ichimaru's reiatsu approaching. Strange, since Ichimaru usually masked his presence entirely but Kira did not think much of it. The door to his office opened and Ichimaru walked in.

"Wha's this? Ya workin so late, Izuru. Such a good lil' boy ya are. Such a diligent fukutaichou." He crooned and even if it was a compliment, it really didn't sound like one.

"Matsumoto-san asked me to go drinking with her earlier this afternoon. I had to come back though and finish this paperwork left here on my desk." Kira responded trying to subtly hint that there hadn't been this much work on his desk before he'd left.

"Hmm, strange how tha' all got there, righ'?" Ichimaru said playing dumb as he ran his hand over the now done pile of paperwork. "But drinkin' away yer whole afternoon wit' Rangiku-san, sure sounds like a lot o' fun…"

It was then that an idea occurred to Kira. Matsumoto had given him that giant jug of sake. He recalled pure as day what Ichimaru had said to him earlier and wondered if maybe, just maybe, if he could get Ichimaru-taichou even a little bit drunk maybe he'd seem like a little bit of an easier target to seduce. If nothing else, the sake might give him a little of the liquid courage that he desperately needed.

"Actually Ichimaru-taichou," he began looking down at his desk instead of looking directly at Ichimaru. "Maybe you would like to join me for a drink? Matsumoto-san gave me some sake and it would be a shame to see it go to waste. Certainly I couldn't drink it all on my own."

Ichimaru's expression was one of general intrigue. "What an interestin' idea ya got there, Izuru. Not sure we ever shared a drink b'fore." He looked up as if in deep contemplation. " Migh' not be such a bad idea." Ichimaru smirked, his eyes straightening into a more serious expression. "Good way ta end such a hard day, eh?" He added, the extra meaning to his comment certainly effecting Kira.

He had foolishly suggested that they drink inside, more specifically in Ichimaru's chambers because the nights in Seireitei during the spring were always cold. So now they were in his lounge area on the floor, drinking sake under solely the moonlight. Or rather Ichimaru was drinking while Kira carefully counted his drinks so as not to become too drunk. He took quick glances over at Ichimaru, dutifully refilling his cup when it got too low and admiring how stunning his captain looked in the silver moonlight streaming through the high-placed window.

"Yer barely drinkin' a thing, Izuru. Ya already drink too much with Rangiku-san and now ya don' want to overdo it, tha' it?" Ichimaru asked, setting down his sake cup and looking directly at Kira.

Kira quickly looked away, staring down at his still full cup. "No, that's not it, Ichimaru-taichou. I just-…about what you said earlier…."

"Oh, ya still on 'bout that Izuru? Well…" He leaned over more, craning his neck around so his face was right in front of Kira's leaving the blond no way to evade his gaze. "I meant wha' I said earlia'. So ya might as well not worry 'bout it an' get on wit' the show, eh? Ya wan' some more sake,Izuru?"

Kira nodded slowly and took a long drink, nearly swallowing all of what was in his cup. "Tha's a good boy, Izuru. Ya always do jus' wha' I say…" Ichimaru drawled, picking up the jug and pouring Kira some more. They continued to drink in near silence for a little while longer. He let Ichimaru take over pouring drinks until he'd all but lost count how much he had drunk. He was just starting to think that maybe now would be a good time to try his hand at seducing his Captain. He tried to sit up from his relaxed position to move closer to Ichimaru but his hand collapsed out from under him and everything went black.

Ichimaru looked over, smile gone from his face. Upon seeing Kira passed out on his floor his smile returned. "Aw, ma lil' Izuru…ya never could hold yer alcohol very well could ya? Better luck to ya tomorrow maybe." He shrugged and brushed bangs away from Kira's face affectionately. "Tha' is if ya can survive the headache yer gonna have when ya wake up…" He chuckled lightly and stood up then leaned back down to pick Kira up effortlessly and carried him back to the other side of Third Division to where Kira's room was.

0000

A/N: Alright so that's the end of Monday. I was originally going to write this all as one fic but my ideas got really flushed out and now there's enough material to write this into several chapters. Just hang on for the ride and I promise it's about to get more ridiculous and hysterical. I apologize to all Rangiku or Hitsugaya fans, I don't hate them, I just have really specific ideas about their characters and for the sake of this humor fic I'm playing up the goofiness of them. Ever since I realized Hitsugaya was the same voice actor as Edward Elric from FMA in Japanese I've kinda been unable to separate the two's characters so if he seems a little random let's just chalk it up to that's how he usually is when he isn't being hyper serious and spouting things about the doom of Seireitei. Anyway, stay tuned for Tuesday (and possibly Wednesday) of Kira's Horrible Week from Hell!