A/n: I do not own Fushigi Yuugi.
Note: There are two people speaking here, alternating paragraphs.
A Life Worth Living
I really can't understand myself these days. I've been doing all sorts of terrible things, that even hurt people, but I know that it's all for him. Only that can make him happy. I just want to please him. I love him so much, but I don't know how he looks at me, how he feels about me. Is that foolishness? Or true love? All I know is he's the only one who bothers about me, or I hope does…
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He can never be mine. The only one who he loves is that bitch, that horrid evil creature, which blocks him away from me. I've never experienced love before, or even infatuation, and I've fallen so deeply for him. Yet he refuses to look my way, only wants her. I suspect it's because of her power. If she weren't so useful to him, wouldn't he abandon her? I hope that's so…
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Ever since he saved me that day, I felt a sense of closeness, of someone who bothered whether I lived or died. From where I came from, my family was too busy trying to make money to care. We were poor, not knowing where the next meal was coming from. In fact, the first time it happened, wasn't where everyone thought it would have. My uncle did it to me initially. When he found me frankly interesting, in a certain way, I knew I was in big trouble. I was so afraid… then he was there for me… now I'm not sure…
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I respected him, perhaps too much. For me, someone who had hidden behind a mask for so long, he was the first person who touched me, not by his own will, but rather, I having to enter his mind using my skills. I have no family… what I had were people who cared little about a young child; one still so scared of the world. I lived mostly by myself, alone in a crowd. I was taught to hide, to show a brave front to the world. People thought I was foolish, to be kicked away, but I can't stop admiring him, thinking of him…
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Can't I be with you? Not even for a while longer? It's okay; I'll give up my life for you. I love you so deeply, yet you've never responded, except physically. Could you give me one more glance? Just to see your blue eyes again, it's enough for me. I would be so happy if I could see love, a last gift, to break the ice. Thank you for everything. I love you.
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Death… it's so cold, knowing that you don't care. That all you need is that woman. Haven't you felt anything for me before? I want you, I've tried all I can, but in the end, it's worth nothing. You're not even here. Where are you? Your name is on my lips… I think I know. I had no chance, but at least I hoped. Was that enough? I hope so. I love you.
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In the end, I suppose it was a life worth living. Only for you, Nakago-sama. Aishiteru.