The Bitterness of Co-Dependence
I liked the way you always walked away with a little smile on your face. I felt like you were saying, 'it's cool, I've got this,' even if I felt like everything was ending. When you did something wrong, Roger always caught you. I used to cry.
"Near." You'd say. It was often Near. "Get the fuck out of my way." Or, maybe, "Get out. Matt and I are playing here now."
I was always a little amazed by your bossiness. When you stared down another student, and I stood behind you and watched with wide eyes, I felt like I had the best bodyguard in the world. It was an honour to be your friend. I was the luckiest kid in the Orphanage. If I wanted the TV in the common room, you would nod resolutely, step up, and take it. You had everything you wanted before you even wanted it. You were in control.
And, back then, I wasn't. That's another reason I needed you so badly.
When someone called you out on your bullying, you would just raise an eyebrow and shrug it off, whatever, doesn't matter. I was in awe of this attitude. L himself could be strapping you to the electric chair, and I reckoned you'd still be smirking like it was worth it.
I usually watched this smirk through the sheen of my own tears, because I couldn't stand being caught. More than that, because I rarely did much; I hated watching you get in trouble for helping me. I was skittish, and sometimes I would flail my awkward way into a situation I didn't know how to talk myself out of. Frankly, I couldn't talk myself out of anything. My ultimate comebacks were all taken from video games, and no one's scared of a gawky, goggled, gaping excuse for a genius. Most of the time, I stared with my jaw slack and just sort of examined my assailants.
I was right dumb when it came to that sort of thing, and you filled that empty spot like you'd been born to do it. But, obviously, you weren't on the Earth to protect me, and I sure as hell wasn't here to help you, either.
The proof is in the fact that I didn't truly help you even once. You let me feel like I was great and amazing, spectacular, worthy. I felt like it, when I used my knowledge of programming and cracking to get you some of the important things you needed. Missiles, security tapes, access to the Oval Office… not nearly as great as unlimited television time. Anyone can do that. Hack, I mean; it's not hard to learn some languages and hook yourself up. It takes real guts to tell off a bunch of 10 year old orphans.
I never really understood why you let me stay with you, in the beginning. I was just a kid with a Gameboy, sitting in an empty bathroom, trying to be an anti-social twit, like I usually am. There was no 'just' about you. You were like my saviour, because I never would have been much if you hadn't killed me, you know?
Not much to do after age 19 anyway. Not like I was excited about life or something dumb like that.