By keL-rebecca
One Look At Me
His heart broken, soul beaten, and emotions bruised—Naruto had never felt worst in his entire life.
That moment of immense pain almost drove him mad. He had learned to ignore it before—at least he thought he had—but all that strength building and mask putting both seemed to have rendered useless at that point. The sight of Sasuke with Sakura just bore through him like a spear to a fish. If he kept seeing it, it would soon kill him, he knew.
For years, Uzumaki Naruto has held a deep and secret affection for a certain Uchiha Sasuke. It frightened him at first knowing that he had fallen for the one everyone knew he considered his rival (although Sasuke himself never really acknowledged that fact). However, the more he became closer to the other boy, his feelings, his being aware of them swirling inside him more than anything else, knocked on his mind's door like crazy. One with a clear mind would've shrugged the disturbance off; another would've pondered on the idea of opening it a bit longer.
But it was Naruto, after all, who had to make the decision, and he, with much hesitation and much more persistence, chose to throw that door open, he on the other side with his arms posed in a welcoming gesture.
So far, he has received nothing but pain.
Not only did it complicate things between him and Sasuke (for how simple it was to keep arguing about petty things and pushing out all hatred upon each other), it also gave him trouble even as the apple of his eye's presence left him. He couldn't sleep without seeing Sasuke naked in his dreams. He couldn't eat without wondering what Sasuke's lips would taste like. He couldn't study without getting distracted from the image of Sasuke's handsome face an inch away from his own. He couldn't shower without wanting to be under that cold water and have the right to grab Sasuke's body for warmth. He couldn't even talk to his friends without pausing for a few minutes, staring into empty space and thinking about Sasuke.
Sasuke immediately became a need—to Naruto, he was oxygen and water, his heart and brain, his lungs, his sanity, his life.
And so when the blonde found out the truth, that Sasuke had finally accepted their common friend Sakura, that he had seen her effort since their childhood days to be with him and resolved to go out with her, Naruto felt as though he had gone through death of the living. It hurt him deeply; it was so deep in fact that he thought corpses were lucky, for they didn't have to go through that hell of hopelessness, of losing one's very reason for living.
Since that heartrending day, Naruto found himself crying almost to no end. He would often excuse himself in between classes—a peripheral vision of Sasuke causing his throat to ache—just to go to the restroom and cry in a cubicle. The tears come as soon as his body recognizes the lack of people from the surroundings. Naruto would arrive in the bathroom sobbing like a child, a broken doll deprived of an owner, a lover. He wouldn't sit on the toilet and instead stand against the closed door of the last cubicle, his shoulders rising and falling, hiccups threatening to come, hands covering his flushed face, and back slumped with knees ready to give.
Indeed, love can prove fatal to one who gives more than he can surrender.
You might say that no, Naruto's strong and full of conviction. He couldn't possibly allow himself to remain in that state forever. Yes, dear reader, you are right, for who could do such a thing? Though self-pity is at large, a common piece of brightly colored paper lying on a busy street, waiting for a curious and desperate artist to pick it up and bring it home to draw on or make something out of, it is often let go of in the end. It turns to self-torture and really, man is kind-hearted enough to know that to hurt even himself is wrong and will not be worth it in any way.
With that in mind, let us go on with the story. Naruto is a lion. Once hurt, he will take the pain, swallow it, be affected by it, be consumed by it through his flesh and bones, and react to it so honestly it would bring him more agony. Fear not; lions recover wonderfully, and they do learn how to take an even greater pain afterwards. Naruto does the same after nearly three months. His mind and body are spent from grieving. His emotions have been drained—a drop remains but is forgotten but for a while. Do take note: but for a while. He no longer knows what to do except to try and make up for the part of him he has lost during the time of his sadness.
He makes a big effort, mind you. Naruto catches up with his friends—they are more than happy to have him, his old self, back—and he misses them so much that it overwhelms him as they talk to him casually. Oh yes, of course, because they don't know. Naruto had friends, but his secrets were only for him. Anyway, all of them involved Sasuke. To be open about those feelings to others would only cause something he didn't think he—or anyone else for that matter— would enjoy.
Naruto also starts doing better in school. The stress bites him back to reality, the truth that Sasuke isn't the only thing he should be focusing on. He starts confiding in his teacher Iruka, and to his other teacher Kakashi. Both know about Naruto's problem albeit Naruto has never told them, and there was no need to inform him when they wanted that smile on his face to linger as long as possible.
At home, Naruto does his chores in better time—better, in general. The dishes and glasses that have been mercilessly left in the sink are washed and dried to perfection. They gleam happily in their home on the dish rack and up in the cupboard respectively. The floor is swept and wiped with much effort, just like the windows. The furniture is arranged in a new way to bring life to each tiny room. The bed is presented with a newly bought mattress so soft and comfortable, fresh light blue sheets, and clean pillows with the sweet aftermath of their dresses from the dryer. Groceries are gotten as well, which are divided into stock and everyday items.
Though the changes become apparent soon enough, Naruto cannot help but continue to be troubled. A love that blossoms cannot simply be torn away from its stem, and even if it is to be pulled off in attempt, it stays with its root, a remainder of its scent. It means nothing to the surrounding plants, albeit it is a memory never to be forgotten.
A person that triggers Naruto's boxed feelings is, as fate would've sealed (and wanted) it, Haruno Sakura. She, too, knew not of Naruto's dilemma. She was far too busy being proud of herself if she ever even noticed. She, after unbelieving Sasuke's sudden change of heart, had told everybody she knew about it, including Naruto. She rambled on about how handsome Sasuke looked while he was talking to her, or in her language "confessing the truth that he truly is my Prince Charming and has only forgotten about it so briefly," while Naruto kept quiet as he slowly absorbed what she was saying.
The heartache had caught up with him fast.
Not having gone far from complete emotional recovery, Naruto found it hard to be with Sakura. Though they were friends, Naruto saw her as an object of hatred. She had taken away someone he had always wanted, someone whom everyone wanted, actually. He could just sigh at the realization. His desire for Sasuke should rival hundreds more if he wanted to win the boy over.
Another day arrives for our orange-sporting character. He gets up as usual to boil water for a cup of his favorite ramen, takes a quick shower, puts on his usual outfit, and heads out without saying goodbye, for really, he had no one to say goodbye to. He walks to school with a several yawns and scratches on the head. He wonders if perhaps he had forgotten to do homework again and has to prepare himself for another scolding or detention or both.
Arriving at his destination, Naruto decides to stay outdoors for a while longer, the interest for his friends' companionship barely registering. He sits against the bark of his hangout tree and plays with a blade of grass. Strangely, Sasuke appears in his mind as he observes the thick line of green. He recalls every feeling he has had for him, all sincere, all were enflamed and stubborn to be put out. Naruto had fed from those emotions, just because he was happy with it, happy because they had been for Sasuke.
I wish he knew about everything.
Confessing, revealing his private intentions to his friend slash rival…Naruto knew better than to let himself be exposed. The fear of being stripped off of his image to Sasuke as a rival was too much for him to bear, but more importantly, the fear of rejection kept him bonded. Shelled. Oh how terrible it must be to have your love push you away, and after much swooning and silent sweet nothings addressed to the heavens! The mere idea gave Naruto goose bumps and a sick feeling to his stomach. It made him feel wretched and vulnerable, for Sasuke could easily take advantage of Naruto having a soft spot for him. But…would Sasuke do something like that? Was he so cruel a person that he would hurt a friend who loves him so?
Would he hurt Naruto?
He's done his damage.
The blade of grass goes to Naruto's lips without knowing its kisser has imagined it as a part of Sasuke.
To have you, to own you, to have you love me back…maybe if a certain day comes and all that happens, my happiness can't ever fade away.
Just then, Naruto senses someone near. A gentle breeze comes just in time. Looking up, Naruto comes face-to-face with the boy he has been thinking about to a great extent. His perfection solely seems to grow more and more everyday, much to his friend's dismay.
"I didn't know you ate grass, too. Has the dobe turned into a cow then?" Naruto heard the familiar insult, but unlike his old self he didn't return the gesture. He chose to stay silent, observing his beloved despite his shattered heart screaming at him to stop. His brain punishes him with a headache but to no avail. Sasuke was his disease and his medicine, his pleasure and his pain.
He was Naruto's biggest irony in life.
Sasuke frowns at the unusual silence. He sits down next to Naruto after pushing another insult out of his mind. Out of the corner of his eye he sees that Naruto has turned his attention to the direction opposite where he was. The silence hung in the air longer than anything. For the first time, Sasuke breaks it, a spark in him slowly flickering to life.
"So how have you been doing?" he asked—though monotonous—earnestly. He did want to know what his friend had been and was up to. It took a moment before Naruto spoke.
"The usual things," His answer was short and plain. He had, if possible, less emotion in his voice than Sasuke. The other boy was surprised. Strings entangled around their hearts began to undo themselves, ready to connect with one another, just like true friends.
"I'm sorry," said Sasuke. Naruto's eyes widened ever so slightly. It couldn't be. To suspect, expect anything, was too soon.
"For what? A day doesn't go by without an insult from you, you know," said Naruto, wishing that it was what Sasuke had in mind as well.
"I'm sorry…because of that thing with Sakura," That single sentence allowed for trapped ache's net to be ripped almost fourth of the way in Naruto's part. Tears, which were quickly hidden by a tiny shift of the body, welled up uncontrollably, threatening to fall and betray their bearer. Scared that his voice might crack at that very sensitive moment, Naruto merely nodded to let the other know he was listening. Sasuke went on.
"I'm really sorry. I've hurt you," Damn well you did! "I know…" What? You do? "…How long you've liked Sakura,"
That was it. Naruto cried. He controlled the movement of his shoulders as much as he could, and when he could no longer do it he stood up and slowly walked a few feet from Sasuke, still beside the tree. He stopped when he was sure Sasuke couldn't see him that much. By then his tears had landed on his clothes, leaving dark orange spots. The ones that had fallen to the ground disappeared. He was glad Sasuke was the naturally silent type—he didn't have to hear Naruto's reaction right away.
"That…"
That's not what I wanted to hear.
"Yes, Naruto?"
Swallowing the hurt overwhelmed the blonde, as he had no choice. "That's alright. I don't mind, Sasuke. You can do whatever you want," He said with all the gladness he could scrape off of his heart. "Sakura…she's just a friend. I've accepted that long before," I don't know if I can do the same with you. "I'm very happy for the both of you," I don't want to.
The grass gave a soft rustle, and there was the wind again. Naruto stayed still as he felt strong arms wrap around his shoulders, their owner unaware of the saddest sight concealed from him. Naruto's tears never stopped falling. What remained of his hope had shattered.
"Thank you, Naruto," He heard Sasuke whisper in his ear. His tone had changed, like something had been added, or perhaps taken away from it. Naruto wasn't sure, but did it bear a hint of sadness? "I knew you'd understand. You've always…understood…"
Naruto felt a peck on his left cheek, the kind that is given to close friends. He had gotten it only one before from the same person, and it was the least that he needed at the moment, for as Sasuke's grip loosened, his feelings for his friend came flooding back to him, almost drowning him. And when Sasuke walked away, the current of emotions prevented him from watching him leave.
Unknown to him, Sasuke, too, had small dark spots on his shirt.
Note to Readers: The fun's just starting, so hold on, darlings.