Just in Time
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters depicted here – either Bellisario or Universal does.
A/N: This is a one-shot, something that came to me after I read beachchick4's excellent WTR fanfic entitled – DON'T. I have referenced my first story, What Now, and kind of made this an alternative to that story.
Summary – Hawke rejected Caitlin's profession of her love for him. What will this latest rejection, when combined with her already fragile mental state, cause her to do?
She'd read about hearing voices. Now, it was happening to her. Caitlin O'Shannessy sat in her bedroom, the 9mm service pistol she carried when part of the Airwolf crew was in her hand, and a single round was chambered, ready to fire. And two voices were screaming in her head, each begging for attention.
Go ahead, the first voice urged, sounding like an evil, twisted version of her own voice. He as much as told you he doesn't give a damn, one way or the other. Remember? She had to admit that yes, she did remember how Hawke had rejected her, and fresh tears flooded her eyes as those painful memories invaded her mind once again...
….he'd run to her bedroom and found her in the throes of the nightmare, and heard the words "love you" as she whispered them into his hand. He'd tried to wake her, to get her to look at him and see that he was alive, and when she finally did wake up, she'd kissed him...but he'd broken the kiss quickly and told her, "Caitlin. I'm...glad you're all right. I'm gonna go sack out on the couch like you told me to...later." And just like that, he was gone again.
Wait a minute, the second voice pleaded. You can't just give up on him like this! Don't you remember the movie set? Caitlin did indeed remember the movie set, when Hawke had kissed her like she'd never been kissed before...and she'd started wondering if maybe he felt something more for her than just friendship. But I guess...I guess I was wrong, she told the first voice, as she lifted the gun again.
That's right, Caity girl. You're just wasting your life thinkin' about him...and it's killing you inside, anyway...so why not just finish the job? Besides, that kiss didn't mean nothing—the director practically had to twist his arm off to do it, remember? And you two were just acting, anyway.
Cait, wait a second! The second voice tried to butt in again. Okay, the director had to practically twist his arm off to get him to start...but once he did get started...
Caitlin couldn't deny the passion she'd felt once Hawke resolved to let himself go. So passionate...so loving...it made my toes curl, she recalled, and laughed in spite of herself. And all I wanted was for him to kiss me just like that...forever. And, I shouldn't completely blame Hawke for not being too enthusiastic at first...heck, I did threaten to bite his lip if he tried anything, Caitlin added with a wistful sigh as she stared at the pistol in her hand.
And...remember what happened after he woke up, at the compound? Caitlin had to acknowledge to the second voice that yes, she did remember.
Hawke woke up and reached out, brushing some of the red hairs away from her eyes. His tender touch, as he dried some of the tears that were still on her face, and the way he looked at her as he stammered, "Cait?" were different from anything Cait had ever experienced from him. His expression had seemed so loving, as if he had seen her as something completely different from the good friend he knew her to be. That day, even as frightened as she was, she thought again that something other than friendship was there between the two of them. And, again I was wrong, she ruefully admitted.
Then, the first voice took control again. Go on...DO IT! He'll never miss you! He's got those other bimbos, remember? Caitlin did remember some of Hawke's other women...women like Rosalind, Carter Anderson III's executive assistant. She remembered watching Hawke and Rosalind dance together, even as she was dancing with her new boyfriend, Robert Villers. Obviously, you didn't mean a damned thing to him that night, the first voice goaded her; otherwise, don't you think he would have been dancing with YOU? So what's different now, kid?
You're right. To Hawke, I am just a kid, her own voice whispered back to the first one, even as it tried to shut the second voice's pleas about Dom and her own family out of her head. I was always the odd one of the family anyway, she reasoned. They're better off without me. Then, she thought about that night with Villers—the man who later tried to murder her and Carter Anderson III—and how she would have rather been in Hawke's arms...except for Rosalind. But, did he even KNOW I wanted to be dancing with him? Caitlin asked herself. I mean, yeah, I shot him those dirty looks every chance I got...but why wouldn't he say somethin' to me? I mean, I suppose I coulda said somethin', but Hawke knows I'm an old-fashioned Southern gal...and I like bein' courted...so he woulda had to ask me to dance...but he didn't. She sighed again as she remembered that night. But...if Robert hadn't been there...would he have taken the chance? I guess...I guess I'll never know, now, she said to herself, as she once again contemplated the weapon in her hand.
And, she tried to tell the second voice, don't argue with me about Hawke. Hawke thinks of me as just a crazy, annoying pest of a kid sister...he's so blinded by his own self-pity that he can't...or won't...see me for who and what I am – a grown woman who loves him, and is head over heels in love with him.
Right, Cait! And, that's my point, the first voice goaded her. Why wait around for something that ain't ever gonna happen. It's not like you've never left signals for him...he's just too damned stupid, or too damned stubborn, to admit it. Caitlin thought of some of the things she'd tried recently in an effort to get his attention – pairing that red t-shirt of hers that he seemed to like so much with a pair of dark blue jeans that were about a half-size too tight, just to try to give him some ideas.
And, it failed miserably, she recalled. I was uncomfortable practically all day long, and he never even so much as gave me a second look. Makes me wonder – is he even HUMAN? I thought guys liked women in tight clothes. But, she sighed wistfully, I guess Hawke's not your average, normal guy.
Of course he isn't, you danged fool, the second voice whispered, insistent. That's why you love him! And, that's why you have to keep after him. Remember the old saying—'If at first, you don't succeed, try, try again!' But, Cait replied inwardly, what if trying, and constantly being rejected, hurts too much?
Okay, that's it. I've made up my mind. But before I do...Cait set the gun down and walked over to her desk and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. With tears streaming down her face, and her hand shaking, she began to write:
Good-bye, Hawke. By the time you read this, I will have taken my life. I want you to know this, though—I have loved you since the day I met you...and I always will...even after I'm gone. I think that we could have had something really beautiful together, if you hadn't been so damned blinded by your own paranoia. 'Bye, Dom. You were one of the best friends I ever had...and at least you saw how much I loved Hawke, even if he couldn't, or wouldn't. Just do me one favor, Dom. Take care of Hawke for me, okay? I love you guys. Good-bye, world. Caitlin took one final, deep, cleansing breath as she picked the gun up off the floor once again.
As she pulled the hammer back and raised the gun to her temple, the second voice screamed in her mind again, as if to make one last plea to her; "CAITLIN, STOP! Once you do this, there's no going back! And what if you're wrong about Hawke?" The first voice screamed even louder, "DON'T LISTEN TO THAT! JUST DO IT, NOW!" When the gun's muzzle touched her temple, the first voice screamed again, "YES! YES! Now just pull the trigger, and all the pain will go away!"
Almost at the same time, the second voice begged yet again, "NO, CAITLIN! DON'T DO IT!" Just then, Caitlin thought she heard the bedroom door open, the last sound she would ever hear, as she tightened her finger on the trigger of the weapon and—
"CAITLIN! NO!" Hawke screamed as he sat bolt upright in bed. He didn't want to open his eyes, to focus on the horrific scene he had somehow convinced himself was in front of him. Then, he heard it—a voice he thought he would never hear again.
"String? Are you okay? String, talk to me, please! Dammit, Hawke, wake up!" Caitlin was frantic, almost to the point of panic, as his shout had wakened her from her own slumber and she looked at Hawke, his face a mask of sheer terror, more than she had ever seen there before. Just then, like what happened to her not long ago, Hawke's eyes snapped open, and before he knew completely what he was doing, he grabbed her in a passionate love embrace, and kissed her with everything he was...everything he had. She was startled by both the severity of the kiss, and its raw, almost animalistic passion. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he pulled back and focused on her face.
"Cait? Is...is that you?"
"Yeah, String. It's me. I'm real...and I'm here. Tell me," she ordered, as he had done that night, at her house. "It must have been horrifying – I don't think I've ever heard you scream like that."
"Cait...it was terrible. I was coming back to your bedroom to tell you something...and I heard you...I heard you say something about me not loving you, then I heard...God, I heard the hammer on your gun go back, like you were getting ready to shoot someone. I thought...I thought it might be me...and then..."
He couldn't finish the sentence, as he finally broke down, sobbing, much as he had that day at the Horn compound when he recalled shooting Dom, before Cait had convinced him Dom was alive. Then...I heard the shot just before I woke up, he finished the sentence the only place he could—in the silent recesses of his mind.
"Hawke, look at me. Please, dammit. Look at me." She grabbed his face with both hands and forced him to look her in the eyes. "Touch me, kiss me, make love to me, I don't care. Do whatever you have to do to convince yourself that it was just a nightmare. It's okay. I'm here. I'm alive, and I know you love me. And I love you, too. With all my heart, and all my soul...I love you, Stringfellow Hawke. Never forget that for a minute." She pulled him back down next to her, and placed his head against her chest so he could hear the beating of her heart, but at the same time, she felt more than a twinge of disappointment at Hawke not acting on what she considered a blatant invitation.
How can he just drop right back to sleep...and ignore me like that...after a nightmare like that? She asked herself. I'll be awake for at least another hour or two just waiting for the adrenaline to wear off. Gently, she nudged the sleeping form of her husband. "Hawke?"
"Yeah, Cait?"
"Oh, you rat! You weren't asleep at all, were you?"
"Okay, I confess—I wasn't." He opened his eyes and looked up into hers. "Sorry, but I might not get back to sleep for a while. In fact, I might be up all night...in more ways than one." He grinned as Caitlin's expression indicated she had picked up the obvious double entendre in that statement. Which is exactly what I intended, Hawke said to himself mischievously. "So," he grinned wickedly at her, "since we're both wide awake, got any ideas how we could spend the time?" he asked as his arms wound around her body, and pulled her close to him.
Just before their lips met in another passionate embrace, Cait whispered, "You've got the right idea, String."
Then, they were in each other's arms, and there was no more time—or ability—to speak.
"Well, String, you did it again."
"Did what?"
Caitlin grinned at him. "Made my toes curl—just like you did the first time you REALLY kissed me...back on that movie lot, remember?"
"Yeah, baby, I do remember...I think my toes even curled a little bit," Hawke replied.
"Only a 'little bit,' String? Well then," she purred, gliding her fingertips across his chest, "I'll just have to see what I can do to...improve that." Hawke found that he eagerly anticipated just what she would do, and gave himself over to her completely.
"String?"
"Yeah, Cait?" Hawke had thought the recent activity would push his nightmare out of both their minds, but when he looked into Caitlin's eyes, he still saw her worries.
"In that nightmare you had—what were you coming back to tell me just before-" She couldn't finish her sentence out loud, so she finished it in her own mind—before I pulled the trigger?
"I guess it doesn't matter now," Hawke said, then continued when he saw Caitlin's expression, "but if you absolutely have to know...in the nightmare, when I came back, it was because I forgot to tell you...that I love you."
"And I love you, String," Caitlin answered him, sighing with relief as she curled up in his arms, resting her head on his chest, one ear directly over his heart. "Never...ever forget that. Promise me you'll never forget that."
"I promise," String replied as he lifted her in his arms again, and kissed her deeply, to seal his promise. When he released her, String noticed a particular gleam in Caitlin's eyes again.
"Now then," Caitlin said breathily as she moved on top of Hawke, "I think I was going to try and...improve on your reactions from earlier." Her seductive smile only served to increase her husband's awareness, and he found himself eagerly anticipating what Caitlin had in store for him, and once again, gave himself over to her ministrations completely.