Launchpad's Revolution
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
This is an almost total and complete rewrite of "Duckworth's Revolt" with a little from Disney's Ducktales # 8, which, once I ripped out Ugly Twerp and rewrote with Launchpad in it, became my favorite "Ducktales" comic.
I used to like UT, the way I like Professor Pepperwinkle from the old "Adventures of Superman" or Doc Quartz or Professor Edgewise from "Shazam".
If Disney could stop with the "Launchpad is a incompetent moron" bit and stop trying to turn UT into something he ain't- like a hero- I could like UT again.
And call him by his given name, again.
Do you remember Roger the twit from the original animated Disney "101 Dalmatians"? Remember how he did the bravest thing a twit like him is likely to do: refuse to sell the puppies to Cruela De Vill at ANY price?
What if he took on those Bad Guys single handedly and licked them good? Would you believe that for a minute or would you roll your eyes?
It's better to be a good "sow's ear" than a bad imitation of a "silk purse" that ain't fooling nobody.
It was a lovely Sunday afternoon. Since there is nothing better than messing around in a boat (1) on a lovely day, Launchpad and the Junior Woodchucks were doing just that. Launchpad and the Junior Woodchuck were rowing down a river when they came to a new channel that flooding and a rock fall had caused the river to make. Since it was early yet, they decided to explore the new channel.
"We better keep our eyes open. We're coming to an area that homeless people camp out on. Most of them are harmless, but leave them alone if you see them." Launchpad said.
Launchpad doubted any of them would be around at this time of the morning. Homeless "people" slept here at night and then went to beg or look for work or food or both.
Soon, the gang encountered something highly strange: a huge, tree-like plant, only with a huge green stem. It was bigger than any tree they had ever seen, yet it had a stem and not a trunk.
"It looks the beanstalk from "Jack and the Beanstalk" Huey said.
"I say we get out of here- what if there is a giant on top of it?" Dufus said.
"Ah, come on, Dufus! Don't be silly! But...it IS a beanstalk, a giant beanstalk!" Louie said.
This was true...although Louie said it mostly to "pull" Dufus' leg. To make Dufus think there WAS a giant on top.
All of the sudden, some stranger ducks climbed down the giant beanstalk. They were carrying spears and did not look altogether friendly. Launchpad turned the boat around and tried to go back the way they had come.
But Dufus was clumsy and scared, so when the boat hit a half- submerged rock. (2) Poor Dufus fell out of the boat and into the water. He was not hurt, but the stranger ducks pointed their spears at him and made Dufus climb the beanstalk back up with them. This happened too fast for anybody to do anything about it.
Launchpad steered the boat near the beanstalk.
"Boys, I'm climbing this thing and I'm going to see if I can rescue Dufus. Do you want to come help, or do you want to go get the forest rangers and ask for help?" Launchpad asked.
"We're coming. Even if we asked for help, nobody would believe this cockamamie story, especially from a bunch of "over imaginative kids"." Dewey said.
Launchpad had to admit that was true, so they climbed up the beanstalk.
"If I hear "Fe, fi, fo, fum", I'm out of here, Dufus or no Dufus." Huey muttered.
"Thought you told Dufus it was silly to think there could be a giant on top of this thing?" Dewey asked.
"That was on the ground. Not half way up." Huey replied.
Well, the good news is, there were no giants on top of the beanstalk, and no giant's castle, neither. There were, however, a lot of strange plants with what looked like brains growing on them. And some glittery gems, growing on the plants, too. More strange ducks with spears protected the brain-plants. Some, the boys recognized as having been homeless people- but all of them looked well clothed and well fed and happy now.
"You will come with us. You will work, as slaves, for our masters. As we do." the head duck said.
"Is Dufus here? The fat kid you captured a few minutes ago?" Launchpad asked.
"He is fine. He will be a slave, too. We will take you to him." Headduck said.
The strange ducks took them to cute little houses growing on top of the beanstalk.
"Our masters grow these houses for us. They grow food and clothes for us. They brainwash us into working for them. We prune the beanstalk, protect it from plant-eating predators. We capture more slaves for our masters." Headduck said.
"Only you're not really brainwashed, are you? You're just pretending, right?" Launchpad asked.
For Launchpad noticed that THEY were not brainwashed, nor did the strange ducks seem to be brainwashed.
"Well- no. But we LIKE it here. The houses are nice and comfy. The food's great. The clothes are warm and dry. The work's not too hard and is certainly better than having to beg. And did you see these gems that the brain-plants grow? They shed them like feathers. We sell them and buy stuff with the money. Beats being homeless all hollow." Headduck explained.
"Only the plants won't believe we WANT to work for them. They think we would revolt and conquer them if we could, if we were not "brainwashed". We got tired of trying to convince them that we don't CARE if they are plants, they treat us decently." Headduck continued.
"So we pretend to be brainwashed. Until now, every time they sent us out to find more "slaves", we have rounded up other homeless folk and told them about the good deal here. Never had any trouble finding willing workers. We are sorry we had to enslave you. We know YOU don't want to stay here." Headduck finished.
"What if we revolt, conquer them and THEN tell them you want to go on working for them? Wouldn't they HAVE to believe you THEN?" Launchpad asked.
"Hey- that could work. Then we would not have to pretend to be slaves anymore. And you guys could go home. Let's try it." Headduck said.
They all huddled together to discuss plans for the "revolution".
"The truth is, it would be very easy for us to conquer the brain-plants. They are helpless by night and they think we are brainwashed. They can be easily cut. Our job is pruning them- cutting off dead and dying leaves and other plant parts." Headduck began.
"It would help if we had some other weapon besides these spears. They aren't very sharp. And we only have one spear each, so we can't throw them without risking being weaponless. Some sort of projectiles would be nice." Headduck said.
"We have our marbles. And slingshots." the boys said.
"Could you put gems at the end of your spears instead of just sharpened charcoal?" Launchpad asked.
"Why yes, there are many flawed gems that could be put to use that way." Headduck said.
So the mock revolution went on that night. Our heroes "attacked" the "sleeping" brain-plants by the light of the moon. The "slaves" had their "masters" surrounded and covered by spears, and slingshots armed with marbles. The "sleepy" brain-plants tried to resist, but without the light of the sun, they just did not have enough strength.
The brain-plants surrendered.
"Alas, you will kill us now that you have conquered us." the boss brain-plant lamented.
"No, we LIKE working for you. At least most of us do. Let the newcomers leave, they have lives to live. The rest of us want to stay, want to go on working for you." Headduck said.
"But we need more slaves- to prune us and keep away predators!" boss brain said.
"Why do they have to be SLAVES? My boss, Scrooge McDuck is the richest duck in the world- he can find you all the willing workers you want, in exchange for some of those gems you shed." Launchpad said.
"THOSE useless things?" asked Bossbrain.
Bossbrain felt like you might if somebody told you they thought your dandruff was valuable.
"Yes, we love shiny things like that. Not sure why. The workers would work for them, especially if they get free food, clothing and shelter thrown into the deal." Launchpad said.
"Growing those things is no problem for us. We have seen no other plants like us here. We think we floated here, as a seedpod, from another planet. We thought we were too different for you to work for us willingly." Bossbrain said.
"As long as you treat them decently? Who cares?" Launchpad asked.
Launchpad and the boys went home, Launchpad spoke to Mr. McDuck.
Mr. McDuck yelled at Launchpad for getting the boys home so late on a Sunday night. But Launchpad managed to explain.
"Brain-plants?" Mr. McDuck asked Launchpad.
"Ask the boys if you don't believe me. They tried to enslave us. But they turned out to be OK. They grow these gems, they gave me some flawed ones to show you as samples. They are willing to pay you some for finding workers willing to work for food, clothing, shelter and some of these gems. The brain-plants prefer hiring homeless people, the have no ties and are grateful." Launchpad said.
"Why, these are lovely! If they didn't have flaws, I could sell these for a fortune!" Mr. McDuck said.
"The brain-plants grow and shed them. They have plenty of flawless ones, if you're willing to do business with them!" Launchpad said.
Soon the arrangement was made. Launchpad and the boys went home, Launchpad spoke to Mr. McDuck. And Mr. McDuck found plenty of homeless 'people" happy to work for the brain-plants. For a modest fee.
The End.
(1) Please read "The Wind in the Willows". Great book.
(2)They'd never used this channel before. They did not know the rock was there.