A/N: I decided to change it up with this fic. You'll see what I mean. It takes place during the episode "Korra Alone." As much as I enjoy fluff, I needed something to balance it out. After all, lesbians love angst. I hope you enjoy my fifth fic of the month! Reviews are welcome!
Korra sat with her hands together, focusing on her meditation. Slow and sure breaths passed evenly through her lungs as her mind cleared. In and out. In and out. She repeated the mantra in her head over and over hoping that it would somehow stick. But she just couldn't get the concentration she needed, not with the mutterings of the spirits who had found her sitting in the Tree of Time.
True, she had been gone a long time. Her recovery hadn't been going well, and she was hoping a visit to the Spirit World would jump start her back into being the Avatar again. She tried to explain her current status to the spirits that surrounded her.
"I came to the Tree of Time hoping to reconnect with Raava and turn on the Avatar State again but it's not working. The last time I was here I saw all sorts of visions. Now I don't see anything," she lamented, looking down at her hands. What was meant to be a private mediation was turning into an attention circus. This was exactly the sort of thing she ran away from in the Southern Water Tribe, and why she couldn't bring herself to dock when she reached Republic City at the start of her lonesome journey.
"Maybe we can help you get better," a small spirit offered.
With a heavy sigh, Korra replied, "I'm sorry, but for years people have been saying they can help me get better. Nothing's worked. I need to figure this out on my own." Korras stood and turned, walking from the Tree of Time.
What was the use? Nothing was working. If there was one place that Korra figured she would find Raava, it was the Spirit World. She stomped away in frustration. She just needed to be alone.
Alone. That's how she had felt the past few years despite having Naga, Katara and Kya, her own parents, and even the letters from her friends back in Republic City to keep her company. Everyone continually showed her love and support, but at the end of the day it was just her. Korra was left by herself to to face her demons. Specifically, the ghost of herself from that fateful day against Zaheer. She didn't even have Raava, let alone access to her past lives for council. She felt sorry for the next Avatar, because this weak little girl is all they'd have to turn to.
Korra found a secluded spot in a clearing to sit. She knew that meditating now would be pointless; she was too worked up. Yet if years of physical therapy had taught her anything, it was that she needed to be patient. Driving back the urge to punch something or send a fire blast into a tree was hard but she knew it wasn't going to solve anything. But just because she had to wait didn't mean she wasn't frustrated by it.
Her hand traveled down to her pocket and she felt the crumple of an envelope that was starting to show some wear. She took it out of her pocket and stared at it. After contemplating the object in her hand for a while, she turned the envelope over and lifted the flap. Korra took out the letter and unfolded it, admiring the gorgeous handwriting that was unmistakeable.
Though she had no idea why at first, she kept Asami's last letter with her wherever she went. Throughout the years, Asami had written her countless letters, keeping Korra updated with her business and her life but most importantly she was trying to check in with Korra's recovery. Her biggest regret was not keeping in touch more often. She had only written Asami back once, which was one more time than to any of her other friends.
Asami had been the one person that stood by her side day after day in Republic City after her fight with Zaheer. She had even offered to join Korra on her road to recovery in the Southern Water Tribe, but she just couldn't bring herself to pull Asami away from her life. Not even a genius engineer could fix a broken Avatar.
Despite staying behind, Assmi faithfully wrote her friend at least once a week. Korra read the letter to herself for the billionth time. It had become sort of a crutch, something she turned to when her anger was manageable but her sadness weighed down on her. She had memorized every nuance of the way Asami formed her letters, which letters tended to dip lower or where an extra curve flared up. The meaning behind the words were what Korra read now. Care and concern, hope, optimism, love.
Korra wasn't sure when she realized she started having feelings for the woman miles away. Was it how her face lit up when her mom announced Asami's latest letter had come? Or perhaps the pride she felt when Asami sent a letter to tell her her latest project; no matter how busy Asami was she always kept Korra up to date and never once asked for a reply back. Maybe she knew it somehow before, like when they were on a duo mission in the desert or while Asami cared for Korra right after her injury. The selflessness in Asami's kind and unanswered words gave Korra the much-needed boost in her life, because everything was often too low to bear.
A tear dropped on her hand as she read the letter. Korra wished Asami was sitting by her side, giving positive and uplifting words as she always had. She wanted to feel the softness of her hand, cradling her own and offering comfort. But Korra almost couldn't remember the sound of her voice. Her eyes were green, but were they emerald or more of a peridot? She wondered how much taller the other girl would be now that she's grown a little bit while she was away.
"Asami..." she whispered, almost hoping that saying the name aloud would will the girl's presence to her side.
All it did was bring rain. Soft, gentle drops fell, and Korra scrambled to put the letter away to protect it from water damage. Looking up, she saw small rain clouds forming above her. It looked like the Spirit World still awknowledged her feelings even without Raava. She raised her face to the clouds and looked up with solemn eyes. "What's wrong with me?" she asked them. The clouds answered with more rain.
As the water hit her face, she let the tears fall freely. Her desperate need to find Raava, the frustrations of being a flawed Avatar, the loneliness and longing she felt for the woman she wanted to call more than "friend" all came out with the now steady downpour. Korra brought her knees to her chest and sobbed hard, the rain also increasing intensty. She wanted to be in Republic City, sitting on her bed at Air Temple island with Asami next to her, together planning their next Avatar adventure. She would be strong and useful, Raava and the Avatar State would be at her beck and call. Most of all, the vision of her dark self would appear no more.
She fell sideways to the ground, still clutching her knees to her chest. "I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be, everyone. And you deserve much better than me, Asami," she said. The declarations sent her into another fit of crying. The pull in her chest seemed neverending. Soon, sleep claimed her.
Korra wasn't sure how long she had been asleep, but at least it stopped raining. The clouds above were gray and puffy, just like how her eyes felt. She looked around her surroundings. The Spirit World around her was dark and dreary. She knew she wouldn't find what she was looking for here.
She stood up and gathered her things, putting her hand in her pocket to makes sure Asami's letter was still there. Maybe Raava was somewhere else in the world and just needed to be found again. The first thing she would do when she returned to the physical world was to write her parents a letter pretending everything was fine. She didn't want to worry them. Then, she'd start her journey.
But she wasn't going to write Asami. She deserved the truth, even if Korra couldn't bring herself to tell say it all right now. Asami was the only other person in the world besides Katara whom she told that she couldn't reach the Avatar State. Korra was determined to find Raava, and be the Avatar that Asami deserved to see again. And that hope is what kept her going.