Durarara is one of my favorite animes, and admittedly, I ship the crap out of Shizaya. And since I make fun of because I love, I had to write a crack-romance short about them. Expect much stupidity, absurd randomness, and lots of things that make no sense. I had way too much fun with this.
Our story starts when somewhere in Ikebukuro, someone made a horrible mistake.
"Whoa dude. Sorry bout that…"
"… Did you…"
"I-I didn't mean…"
"Just step…"
"To do…"
"ON MAH FOOT?!"
"OH GAWD WHY?!"
Shizuo picked up the offender and threw him into a nearby bookstore.
"WATCH WHERE YOU STEP NEXT TIME! PATHETIC BACKGROUND CHARACTER!" Shizuo yelled at the person he had just thrown, shaking his fist like an old guy telling a kid to get off his lawn.
"Bruh. Exaggeration much?" his person he was body-guarding said. I forgot his name, so my mistake.
"I DON'T EXAGGERATE." Shizuo took out a cigarette and lit it.
"You know what, take the rest of the day off. And tomorrow. Go home and meditate or something. Please. Maybe call a counselor."
The bruh called a taxi and went off somewhere.
"Tch! I don't need counseling. People are just stupid."
"… Yeah, I really gotta agree with you, people can be pretty stupid."
"HOLY FRICK WHEN DID YOU-" Shizuo immediately ripped a nearby street sign out of the ground. "YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST STAND THIS CLOSE TO ME AND NOT DIE?! I MEAN YOU WERE GONNA DIE ANYWAY BUT WHO CARES!"
"Lulz. As in need of counseling as ever…" Izaya said, chuckling.
"LOOKS WHO'S TALKING!" Shizuo swung the street sign at Izaya, but he stepped out of the way with no concern. As usual.
"Hey. At least I don't have violence issues."
"YOU CARRY A KNIFE AROUND AND CUT PEOPLE WITH IT!"
"Oh… I'm being falsely accused of heartless violence? Considering all the things you could accuse me of, this is kind of ridiculous. What if the only person I cut is you, Shizu-chan?"
"DIIEEEE!"
A half hour later…
"Ugh! That frickface Izaya! How is he able to defy gravity like that?!" Shizuo yelled to no one in particular upon arriving wherever he lived. "That's not physics! I'LL GET YOU ONE DAY. AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO THAT DOESN'T EXIST!" He threw a dart at a board that had Izaya's face on it. It ended up going straight through the board and making a hole in the wall.
Shizuo raged around his apartment for two minutes before realizing it was a bad idea since he really didn't want to break anything there. So he went to go make brownies because why not.
"Maybe I should call a counselor…" he thought, being careful to not break anything as he mixed them up.
"Perhaps so."
A Metal Gear Solid encounter sound played as Shizuo spun around to see Izaya sitting on the couch, reading a random magazine.
"HOW THE FRICK DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE?!" Shizuo yelled at him. "How did you even know where I live?!"
"Silly Shizu-chan. I know where everyone lives," Izaya answered. "As for how I got in, well, you left a window unlocked."
"I LIVE SIX STORIES OFF THE GROUND!"
"Oh come on, now. You've seen my parkour."
"Get out of here before I kill you."
"Reeeaaally? Can't we just go one day without tearing at each other's throats? We can talk about stuff. We can share opinions like normal people."
"And what would be the point of that?"
"I dunno, I thought that maybe we would be able to see each other from a different perspective, for once."
"Yeah how about no." Shizuo picked up Izaya by the back of his shirt and started walking towards the front door.
"You're no fun."
Shizuo tossed him out the front door and slammed it shut. Then he went to go and lock all possible entrances.
"Okay, now I can relax," Shizuo mumbled before resuming the brownie making.
"SHIZU-CHAAAAAN…" Izaya complained from the other side of the door.
"GO THE FRICK AWAY!"
AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION TIME!
WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN NEXT?
1. Izaya breaks back into Shizuo's apartment through some completely unexpected method!
2. Izaya goes the frick away!
3. Shizuo slips on a banana peel which causes a series of destructive events to happen and eventually leads to him landing on top of Izaya!
4. Shinra appears on Shizuo's TV and reveals the plot!
5. Erika suddenly gains control of both Shizuo and Izaya through the power of magic and they're forced to live a doujinshi!
ALL RIGHT LET'S SAY YOU PICKED OPTION FOUR!
"Hey Shizuo! I'm here to reveal the plot!" Shinra said, appearing on Shizuo's TV.
Shizuo walked over to unplug the television.
"DON'T UNPLUG THE TV! I HAVE IMPORTANT INFORMATION!"
"What could anything you have to say possibly be important?" Shizuo asked.
"I'm warning you of a horrible catastrophe I was recently made aware of through the power of… science and stuff. If you don't do something soon, said catastrophe will happen." He paused. "And that catastrophe would be…"
"GET TO IT!" Shizuo didn't realized this was a prerecorded message.
"… you and Izaya…" Shinra coughed. "… end up in bed-"
Shizuo unplugged the TV.
"I'm going to kill Shrina's face so dead next time I see him," he grumbled.
Suddenly, the audience picked option one.
"Hey der Shizu-chan," Izaya said, stepping out of a closet. "I'm back."
"WAIT WHAT!" Shizuo yelled, pointing dramatically. "HOW- EVEN- WHAT?!"
"Closets have portals in them~"
"HOW IS THAT LOGIC?!"
"It's not. That's the point. Whatcha making?"
"LEAVE!" From the moment Izaya stepped out of the closet, Shizuo no longer felt safe from the world in his home.
All the fangirls suddenly got impatient and picked option three even though that segment was supposed to have ended already.
"OH FEH-" Shizuo started as he slipped on a banana peel.
By the time the series of destructive events was over, several objects on shelves had fallen to the floor, tons of laundry from a basket had been scattered all over, and the couch had been flipped over. And finally, Shizuo was on top of Izaya.
"Oh, is this what's happening today?" Izaya asked, completely unfazed.
"You need to get out of my house," Shizuo told him. "The fangirl forces have gone too far."
"So you finally understand, don't you."
"Yes! I understand! Now get out!" Shizuo tried to sit up, but Izaya grabbed his shirt and pulled him back down.
"Maybe we should just give them what they want already, Shizu-chan."
"YEAH HOW ABOUT NO."
Shizuo sat up almost effortlessly and picked up Izaya over his shoulder, walked towards the front door, and tossed him outside, much more violently than before. As a matter of fact, directly into the opposite wall.
"Ow. This can't be good for my back," Izaya mumbled.
Suddenly, before Shizuo had a chance to close the front door, a suspicious dark aura emerged near them in the hallway. "Huehuehuehue… Oh, you won't be getting away so easily," a female's voice said. "I won't accept active opposition to the ship." A person emerged from the random blob of darkness.
IT WAS ERIKA.
Shizuo slammed the door immediately.
It was at this moment that Shizuo realized he needed to take extreme measures in order to prevent the impending catastrophe. He picked up the flipped-over couch and blocked the locked front door with it, then went around the entire apartment and put heavy furniture in front of all the closet doors as well.
He wasn't letting Izaya get in that night. Well, more like that day, it was still afternoon.
Surprisingly, the problem left soon afterwards. A few peaceful hours passed, Shizuo finished making the brownies, and by that point he was casually watching crappy American reality shows for some reason.
Shizuo had taken the couch away from the front door and put it back in his living room, but he left the furniture in front of the closets. He knew it still wasn't safe. In fact, he was worried for his sleep that night.
What Shinra mentioned in his message was no joke. Izaya didn't even seem opposed to it. And Erika was out to make sure it happened. Shizuo was sure that she was just waiting to strike once he let his guard down. It would just take one bit of Erika's dark fujoushi magic, and he would lose all sense of reason for the sole satisfaction of the fangirls.
6:00.
By this point Shizuo had fallen asleep on the couch, somehow. He was actually quite exhausted.
But he did not wake up when Izaya began picking the lock to his apartment.
"Heheheh. Now I can steal his brownies," Izaya said to himself as he did so.
Even though there were cameras throughout the entire apartment building, the section of that specific hallway didn't have any, because Shizuo had broken them all-accidentally or not-as time passed. Nobody lived within several apartment of him, so unless somebody was coming to his apartment, no one would go over there. And since the building's owner knew who Shizuo was, and knew the cameras would probably end up broken again if they were replaced, he just left it alone, since nobody messed around with Shizuo.
Except Izaya.
The lock clicked, and Izaya opened the door slowly before peeking around the apartment. He knew that Shizuo was sleeping to begin with, since he was snoring just loudly enough that he could be heard if one put their ear on the door. Izaya let out a muffled evil laugh before tip-toeing into the kitchen to steal the brownies. He abruptly stopped when he heard Shizuo roll over and stop snoring audibly, but he was still asleep. Izaya kept himself from making any further noises after that.
He found it quite humorous, the furniture in front of every closet in the apartment. Shizuo had even duct-taped one of his larger cupboards shut, since Izaya probably could fit in it if he tried.
But as Izaya was putting brownies into a plastic bag he had brought, two hands suddenly grabbed his shoulders and slammed him into the counter, so he was bent backwards in an awkward way, since he had been turned in the process. Somehow, Shizuo had snuck up on him. Despite his strength, the counter was not damaged in the slightest. It seemed like Shizuo was restraining himself.
"So this is where my baked goods have been going," Shizuo said.
"Wow, I can see you've improved in the ninja department, somewhat," Izaya replied. "I thought you were fast asleep, Shizu-chan."
"I don't think you've ever encountered me not wearing shoes."
Suddenly, they both froze when they heard someone slowly clapping off in a distance. They turned their heads to see none other than Erika, standing on the other side of the kitchen.
"What a predicament this is," she said, grinning. "You two are in such a fangirl-squeal-causing position."
"Wait-No-" Shizuo began, attempting to move, but couldn't for some reason.
"Not even you will be able to escape my powers," Erika told him. "This incident is fate now. Now, temporarily replacing Shizuo's consciousness with Supah Doujinshi Fulfiller~!" Erika did a little magical girl dance.
"No! I'll never be controlled by your forces! You can't… do this…!" Shizuo protested as he attempted to break free from the restraints of the fujoushi magic, only to fail.
"All right, I've done my job! I'll leave you two alone now~" Erika said, before skipping towards the door. "Toodaloo!" She closed the door.
"I'LL NEVER… BE CONTROLLED BY THE DARK MAGIC…!"
Meanwhile, whoever was living in the apartment directly above him looked at the floor wondering what the hell was going on downstairs.
"Give into it, Shizu-chan," Izaya told Shizuo, wrapping his arms around his neck.
"They've already gotten you, haven't they…?" Shizuo asked, struggling to keep himself together. "I knew something was weird…"
But then, something else occurred to him.
"Wait. I know what's going on!"
"Do you?" Izaya asked him.
"This is a fricking dream!" At this realization, the fujoushi magic was no longer able to restrain him. He picked up Izaya and tossed him across the room, into the opposite wall. "The only question is, how much of it has been?"
Izaya chuckled. "So you've finally figured it out, haven't you? I wonder what that indicates," he said. "Do you love me, Shizu-chan?"
"Shut your face," Shizuo snapped at him.
"Well, no matter," Izaya continued. "I'm going to have to kill you now." He took his knife out of his coat.
"As if anything has changed." Shizuo picked up another couch blocking a closet.
"Please. You shouldn't even bother fighting," Izaya told him. "It's a dream. You're wasting your time."
"Yeah, but it's a dream, so how am I wasting any time?"
"Fair point."
They dashed towards each other, about to begin fighting, when suddenly Shizuo heard something from the real world. The surprise allowed the dream-Izaya to attack him first, resulting in Shizuo's immediate awakening.
"Whoa!" the person in front of him exclaimed. When Shizuo gained his bearings a moment later, he realized it was the real Izaya.
"What the-?! What are you doing in my apartment?!" Shizuo yelled at him, jolting up.
"I was going to take pictures of your sleeping face to sell online," Izaya answered nonchalantly. "I'm surprised you didn't wake up when I walked in, Shizu-chan."
"How did you even know where I live?!" He couldn't remember at all what had happened in his dream.
"I know where everyone lives. Even so, I followed you home and broke into your apartment after you fell asleep. By the way, have you noticed how there aren't any cameras in that part of the hallway?"
All of a sudden, as Shizuo was staring into Izaya's almost-red eyes, he felt something strange. His boiling rage turned into something much different.
"Can I help you?" Izaya said, raising an eyebrow.
No… What had his rage been this entire time?
"Aren't you going to tell me to get out or something?"
"Hey, Izaya…" Shizuo began.
Before Izaya knew it, his back was on the couch and Shizuo was on top of him.
Izaya sweat-dropped nervously. "Well this is unexpected," he said.
"Stop talking," Shizuo ordered before kissing him, regardless of what he would think.
They didn't hear Erika chuckling outside the door of Shizuo's apartment.