Shepard's eyes shot open. His heart raced almost as if it was trying to jump out of his body. He looked around his room making sure he was awake as he sat up , his body drenched in sweat and still wondered, would he ever be able to sleep? His hands rubbed his eyes. He made his way to the mirror on top of the sink and saw his reflection. He was terrified and scared ; his eyes were bloodshot red , and he could see the bags under his eyes. This war was finally taking a toll on him. He didn't feel confident anymore. The boy back on earth had left him with such vivid dreams, nightmares and the voices in the dreams were all the lives he was responsible for , including their deaths. John Shepard knew he couldn't fall apart as he splashed cold water onto his face , trying to finish waking up , and stay awake . He couldn't go back to sleep, back to the boy . He couldn't save the boy who was just the latest victim , who the Great Commander Shepard hadn't been able to save. Just like back on Elysium or , the first Normandy, or Kaiden.
Kaiden. Commander Shepard looked at himself in the mirror again and he felt sick to his stomach . With guilt and anger he punched his mirror , causing his knuckles to bleed. Kaiden , what would you say to me if you only knew the reason why I choose to save Ash and not you? Would you be mad at me?! The commander thought to himself. His attention turned to the cabin door opening, showing in a familiar Asari.
Liara walked into the commander's cabin , looked at the broken mirror and the commander bleeding knuckles , and then straight into the commander's eyes ; his eyes where once you could see fire , now you could see pain and emptiness. She just smiled at him and asked him if this was a bad time. Shepard shook his head no and said , "I was thinking about old friends that aren't around anymore." Liara responded , "That's due to war , not you." Shepard whispered , "Kaiden was because of me, because I couldn't. I wouldn't lose Ash , and yet I did lose her on Horizon , and then I lost her again on Mars because I couldn't keep her safe . I couldn't protect them."
John Shepard had just admitted the one thing he had denied to everyone , including himself - that he had saved Ash because he loved her , not because she was the better choice. Liara looked at him and responded , "A couple of months ago you were fighting for the future of Miranda Lawson , and now you want to say that you still love Ash. "
John responded , " I know Liara, but I need Kaiden to know that it was never my intention to leave him behind . I was coming back for him, I need him to know that his sacrifice was not in vain. " "None of their sacrifices were in vain ," Liara said, walking up to the commander and hugged him as she whispered in his ear , "you know Kaiden would never blame you ." Shepard let out a sigh and said , "I know , that is what makes it worse. How much more is the war going to take from me , from you , from everyone ? It already took my life once . As a soldier , one learns to accept death , even play with it , but I can't stand to lose another person that I care for. And any time I close my eyes Liara , I am reminded of the losses of the people who were under my command and who trusted me to keep them safe , and I failed them ." Liara replied, "Commander , I will say it again , it's due to the war not you."
Shepard looked at Liara and smiled at her . " Thank you Liara for being here for me. Thank you for being the one person right now that I don't have to be strong for, but I am sure you come up here to tell me something , not to play shrink." " I did Commander, but even heroes need someone sometimes… I will always be here for you…. The Salarian Councilor would like a word with you over the intercom. "
A/N
I do not own Mass effect. Please review