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I knew that I was stalling.

I watched her, my wife, my beautiful wife, the mother of my child, screaming at me.

I could see that she was defeated, which is not a word that matched April Kepner's personality by any means. She had returned from abroad, and she would not stop fighting for me. Now, though, when I had finally gotten what I wanted, for her and I to finally say goodbye, I was afraid.

I was too scared to let her go.

I really meant what I had said, I was entirely confused about us. We had, had sex, and it was amazing, but it was so confusing. I don't know what had possessed me to go over there. I had sat in the car debating if I should go up or not for at least half an hour before I had the nerve to go upstairs.

Making love to your wife should not be a confusing matter.

It felt good, and it felt right to kiss her, to hold her, to be that close to her again. I had missed her kisses, her touch, her voice, and her nails digging into my back.

But now, now it was a mess. I was a mess.

Couldn't she just shut up for a minute and stop yelling?

"Jackson! Please! Just say something already, you're being ridiculous" she shouted at me, pleading with me to put her out of her misery.

I opened my mouth, but I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"Fine. You win Jackson. You can have your moment back. We are officially getting out of bed and getting dressed. You can go back to your room like you did that first night. I'll be out of your place by the end of the week," she said finally, her voice low and trembling.

Defeated. She was defeated. She was down and out. She wouldn't even look at me anymore, she was looking right past me, tears flowing freely.

"I'm going to stay here tonight," she said after a moment. She looked at me finally, eyes glazed over with fresh tears before she began to turn to head back to the hospital.

Seeing her walking away from me made me suddenly feel panicked. "Wait," I barely choked out.

Where was my voice?! This was not like me.

I felt frantic. "For what Jackson? You don't need to make this more painful than it needs to be. Just send me whatever documents and you'll be free, I promise" she breathed out, I could sense she was becoming angry again that I would not just let her go.

"No, we need to talk April," I said.

"I'm done, Jackson. We're done."

"Please."

She sighed, and turned back to face me.

"I'm… I was… no, I am confused. I want to hate you so much April. You left me. I needed to heal too, I needed you here to help me. I wasn't ready for any of what happened. I keep… I keep trying to push you away, to tell myself that I shouldn't stay, that I don't deserve what you put me through. I don't deserve it April."

Where am I even going with this?

Sloan had told me to speak from the heart, and I guess my heart was taking his advice without my brains consent.

"I'm confused April. I want to hate you. But, after that night… It was supposed to be over, it was supposed to be goodbye. I just, it makes me sick right now to think about my life without you."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say," she said finally.

"April…"

"No, Jackson, stop toying with my emotions. You push me away for weeks, you ask for a divorce, you leave, then you want to go on a date, and you come back home for a night. You have been the one deciding for weeks Jackson. It's very simple, either you want to be here with me or you don't."

Alarms bells are going off in my head now, I want to, but I'm scared. When did it get so hard to decide to be with my wife?

Finally, I open my mouth: "I don't know," I say reluctantly. I'm mentally kicking myself at this point.

She nods and walks toward me, slowly.

She raises a hand to touch my cheek.

Her hand is so warm. She stands up on her tip-toes and kisses me. I'm surprised, but I respond to her kiss. I can't help myself, kissing her again feels so natural. But, something is different about this kiss. It's slow, it's passionate, and it's intimate, but it's filled with something else…

She pulls back finally. "Goodbye Jackson."

She grabs my hand before she goes and slips something cold into it before she takes off back into the hospital.

I open my hand.

I can't help but scream, "Goddamit!"

It's her ring.

When did I start crying?

My stomach fills with regret. What did I do? How did I let us get to this point?

I felt crazed. I want to run after her and hold her. I want to forget about her leaving. I want to forget about it all and just go back to when we got married or to the first time I had felt at peace with her in her hotel room. But, I couldn't move. I felt stunned.

I had really fucked up this time.

I had been confused. I was trying to protect myself, but slowly, I couldn't help myself. I kept letting her in, getting lost in these small moments, the dinner at Meredith's, the hug, the way she smelled, how warm she was, her eyes, the way she loved me and had been fighting for us.

But, her doing this, giving her ring back, admitting defeat, in a warped way, had finally had given me the clarity I needed.

I needed her, despite it all.

Somehow, I needed to get her back. We had gone through so much to just throw it all away now.

I wanted her, on her terms, unconditionally and completely.

There was no 'but.'

I loved her, no, I love her.

End of story.

AN: Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoyed.