A/N: I decided that I wanted to have some fun with the characters in the Stephanie Plum series, and this story is the result of some brainstorming by myself and my amazing beta. To my beta, thank you SO much for fixing my errors, giving your ideas and feedback, and keeping me on track. This story is as much a result of your hard work as mine. I am so incredibly grateful for you!

To those reading this story, you need to know that it's largely AU and definitely unconventional. Characters aren't exactly cannon, but they're fun. This story will be funny, irreverent, have the vocabulary of a sailor, and will definitely be super hot. There will be smut and the title of the story should clue you in about the nature of the relationship that it will show. If you're not cool with non-traditional relationships, turn back now.

If you're still reading, enjoy! I'd love to get your feedback, thoughts, and encouragement in the reviews. I've already written about 20k words for this story and will publish regular updates. Thanks for reading!

Stephanie's POV

I sighed and threw open my closet, hoping to find an outfit that would bring me luck today. Probably I wouldn't – nothing seemed to go my way lately. My name is Stephanie Plum, and until six months ago life was going pretty well. I was a lingerie buyer for E.E. Martin. I had a cute little townhouse in Newark, far away from my mother and the Burg, and a candy apple red Mazda Miata that I loved. Then E.E. Martin got closed down by the Feds and the owners were charged with all kinds of bad things.

You'd think it would be easy for me to find another job, but you'd think wrong. I spent months pounding the pavement and putting in my application everywhere I could think of, even going so far as applying for a job at a local school cafeteria. Apparently you have to be able to actually cook something to work in a cafeteria. Who knew?!

So I sucked up my pride and moved back to the Burg, better known as Chambersburg. It's a small community in Trenton where people are born and never leave. I swore I'd never come back. Damn E.E. Martin. It was bad enough that I had to be this close to my mom and mooch dinners most nights in order to make it, but then the worst happened yesterday. My pretty little Mazda Miata – the love of my life – was repossessed by some jerk I went to high school with. That broke my heart worse than my divorce from The Dick.

That's right – my first husband, Dickie Orr, called himself The Dick. It was a perfect description for his character. What he had going on south of the border didn't even deserve a nickname, much less one that made it sound so amazing. He's a lawyer, and my mom was so excited when he asked me to marry him. I wasn't so sure, but I said yes anyway to make her happy. Teach me to do that again. I walked in and caught him on the dining room table balls deep in that skank Joyce Barnhardt before we'd even got our marriage license back in the mail. Bastard. I'm pretty sure I threw every plate and glass in the house at the jerk while he tried to explain why it was my fault. The nerve! He screwed me more thoroughly in the divorce than he ever did in the bedroom.

Anyway, back to the reason I was standing in front of my closet. After my Miata got repossessed, I called my dad for a ride and borrowed Big Blue from my Grandma once again. Big Blue was an indestructible tank that I had a long history with. I'm sure I'll tell you about that later. Let's just say that it should be registered as a lethal weapon. I was one month away from having to suck up my pride and move back home with my parents. My Grandma Mazur already lived with them, and the fights she and my dad got into over the one bathroom everyone had to share were epic. No way in the world I was living there. My mother had tried to cajole me into applying for a job at the button factory or the personal products plant, but the idea of working either of those places had me breaking out in hives and rocking in the corner. This girl needed to be free to fly.

My dad had mentioned after dinner that my scumbag cousin Vinnie the Weasel was looking for a filing clerk at his bail bonds office, so here I was trying to find the outfit that would help me get the job. I pulled out a cute black pencil skirt and a navy blue button up that I tucked into the skirt. I slid my feet into my black FMPs because a Jersey girl doesn't go anywhere without great shoes, and walked to my kitchen.

"What do you think, Little Guy?" I asked Rex as I dropped a grape in his cage. He just wiggled his cute little whiskers, grabbed his grape, and retreated back to his soup can. Must be nice to be a hamster.

I scarfed down a quick peanut butter and olive sandwich for lunch and then rinsed my plate off and loaded it in the dishwasher. Peanut butter and olive sandwiches were a staple in my food pyramid. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Satisfied that I looked as decent as I was going to look, I grabbed my keys and locked up my tiny apartment. I lived in a building full of seniors who fought over good parking places like they were gold and ate dinner at 4:30 so they could be all settled in their rocking chairs before the 5:00 news. Still, it was quiet, the rent was cheap, the elevator worked, and I wasn't living with my parents.

The drive to the bonds office only took a few minutes and I grimaced when I pulled up at the curb. I preferred not to claim any relation to Vinnie. He was a sleazy pervert who had been known to engage in extramarital activities with certain animals. Ew. Anything was better than living at home, though, so I gathered my will to grovel and got out of the car.

A wave of cold air hit me when I walked in, and I sighed in relief. Jersey in the summer was hot, and Big Blue didn't have air conditioning. One more reason to miss my Miata.

"Can I help you?" the woman at the desk asked me when she looked up from filing her nails. She had dark hair and curves on her curves. She looked like a real Betty Boop.

"Connie Risolli?" I asked. "It's Stephanie Plum." I had gone to high school with her little sister.

"Steph, it's so great to see you!" she exclaimed with a sincere smile. "What brings you in?"

"Well, my parents mentioned that Vinnie was looking for a file clerk and I need a job. I was hoping I could talk him into it," I explained.

Connie made a sympathetic noise in her throat and frowned. "I'm sorry, we already filled that position. We do need a BEA, though."

I scrunched up my nose and looked at her questioningly. "What's a BEA? I'm pretty sure if I don't know what it is I'm not qualified." So much for being hopeful.

"It's a Bond Enforcement Agent, or bounty hunter. When the person we've bonded out of jail doesn't show for court we have to bring them back in and get them re-bonded. A BEA hunts them down and brings them back in the system so Vinnie doesn't lose money," she explained. "You'd get to keep fifteen percent of the bond. It can add up fast."

She flipped a couple of folders my way so I could see the bond amounts. I did some quick math in my head and I think my eyes bugged out. I'd be able to pay my rent and keep Rex in hamster crunchies.

"I'll do it!" I quickly yelped. "What do I need to do?"

Just then the door behind Connie's desk opened and the sleaze ball himself walked out. "What the hell are you doing here?" he asked, looking between Connie and me.

"I've come to get a job as your new BEA," I said firmly, trying to sound more convinced than I actually felt. Probably it didn't work.

"What?!" he squeaked. "You're not qualified to do that job!"

I squared my shoulders and narrowed my eyes at Vinnie. "Know what I am qualified to do? Tell Lucille about the duck," I threatened. Lucille was his wife. The duck had been an extra-curricular activity that's illegal in most states. Need I say more? Vinnie's face turned pale and his palms began to sweat.

"You wouldn't?" he gasped.

"I will unless you give me this job," I promised.

He looked at me, quietly assessing for a minute, and then sighed. "Fine, but I'm not answering to Uncle Frank or Aunt Helen if you get hurt!" He disappeared back into his office and slammed his door.

"Is he always that pleasant?" I asked Connie, and she and I both laughed.

"Yeah, unfortunately. Normally I'd have you work with our other BEA for a few days to learn the ropes, but he's out having surgery on his shoulder. I'll call in a favor and get someone else I know to help you out some," Connie promised.

She picked up the phone and dialed while I stood there soaking up the air conditioning. After a very short conversation, she handed me a Post-It Note.

"He'll meet you at the little diner on Main at 4:00. His name is Ranger."

"How will I know who he is?" I asked as I looked at the note.

"Trust me, you'll know," she promised as she fanned herself.