So, hi guys! I hope this answers some of your PMs - no, I haven't died, or fallen off the face of the Earth. It's just, well, college. I'm incredibly sorry it's taken me this long to post anything… and I'm sorry to say that I won't have time to finish the next chapter of Thorns Have Roses and The Thorn in My Side until Christmas…. but, well, I hope you'll forgive me just a little bit once you see what I've been working on.
See, an amazing friend of mine decided to start up a student-run theater group on my campus, and we were fishing around for projects to do when he came up with the brilliant idea of writing and performing an original Harry Potter and the Cursed Child parody - because, let's face it, Cursed Child was simply begging for it, and it was only a matter of time. So he and I, along with four other friends, spent a few months writing this. The show, which I'm directing, will be performed at the end of the semester, and until then unfortunately it'll be taking up all my free time, as well as a good portion of time I should be spending doing homework. But it's a labor of love, and I hope you agree with me when I say it's well worth the effort.
I'll be posting Acts I-IV separately, but since it's all written, I can guarantee they'll be updated just a few days apart.
Again, I didn't write this alone, so I'd like to give a shout-out to my amazing co-writers who gave their time and energy to this project (and don't worry, I got permission from all of them before posting this here)
Obviously, I don't own Harry Potter, or Cursed Child wouldn't exist and there would be nothing to parody
I think that's all the icky technical authory things - so, enjoy!
HARRY POTTER AND THE SLIGHTLY UNFORTUNATE CHILD
CAST
ALBUS POTTER
SCORPIUS MALFOY
DELPHI
HARRY POTTER (double cast as Cedric Diggory)
GINNY POTTER
HERMIONE GRANGER-WEASLEY
RON WEASLEY
ROSE GRANGER-WEASLEY
HUGO GRANGER-WEASLEY
JAMES SIRIUS POTTER
LILY LUNA POTTER
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
DRACO MALFOY
SEVERUS SNAPE
CEDRIC DIGGORY (double cast as Harry Potter)
STUDENTS #1-14
AMOS DIGGORY
THE SORTING HAT
THE BOOKCASE
DEMENTORS (3)
LUDO BAGMAN
CRAIG BOWKER JR.
FLEUR DELACOUR
VIKTOR KRUM
"TECHIES" (4)
ACT I
I.1
(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL stands downstage left, reading from a copy of 'The Deathly Hallows')
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Nineteen years later…
(Enter HARRY, GINNY, ALBUS, JAMES, and LILY)
Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first of September was crisp and golden as an apple, and as the little family bobbed across the rumbling road towards the great sooty station, the fumes of car exhausts and the breath of pedestrians sparkled like cobwebs in the cold air. Albus's voice drifted back to Harry over the surrounding clamor; his sons had resumed the argument they had started in the car.
ALBUS
I won't! I won't be in Slytherin!
GINNY
James, give it a rest.
JAMES
I only said he might be in Slytherin…
(HARRY glares at him)
…fine.
ALBUS
(To GINNY)
You'll write me, won't you?
GINNY
As much as you'd like. We wrote to James three times a week last year.
ALBUS
(To JAMES)
What? But you said-
HARRY
Don't believe everything he tells you about Hogwarts, Albus. He likes a laugh, your brother.
LILY
(Looking anxiously for someone in the crowd)
Where are they? I don't see them!
GINNY
Don't worry Lily, we'll find them.
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
But the vapor was dense, and it was difficult to make out anybody's faces. Detached from their owners, voices sounded unnaturally loud. Finally, a group of four people emerged from the mist, standing alongside the very last carriage.
(Enter RON, HERMIONE, ROSE, and HUGO)
LILY
(Running up to RON)
Uncle Ron! UNCLE RON!
RON
(Hugging her)
Lily! If it isn't my favorite Potter!
LILY
Have you got my trick?
(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL begins to flip through 'The Deathly Hallows' confusedly, searching for the dialogue that is taking place.)
RON
Are you aware of the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes nose-stealing breath?
ROSE
Mum! Dad's doing that weird thing again!
(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL'S confusion intensifies)
HERMIONE
Rose, let him be, you know he likes to make jokes.
RON
(Leaning over LILY'S face)
Hang on. Let me just munch this…air. And now it's just a simple matter of…
(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL leans in to observe, ignoring the book in her hands. RON breathes on LILY and "removes" her nose)
Excuse me if my breath smells of garlic… I've got your nose!
LILY
Oh Uncle Ron, you're so silly!
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Well I never! Ten points from J.K. Rowling! I refuse to watch this babbling, bumbling band of baboons a moment longer! Good luck keeping things true to canon without a narrator!
HARRY
Great, thanks Headmistress McGonagall!
(To the rest of his family)
It was so nice of her to wish us luck, you guys! I'm sure we'll nail this! I mean, I am Harry Potter after all.
(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL snaps the book shut and exits in a huff)
ALBUS
Dad, everyone's staring at you again. Why do they always have to stare?
HARRY
Because I'm incredibly cool and famous, kiddo. But don't worry, you have my genes, so some of it is bound to have rubbed off on you.
ALBUS
But what if I'm Sorted into Slytherin?
HARRY
Albus Severus, you're my son, and you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts…no pressure! I'm sure you'll be awesome!
ALBUS
But Slytherin isn't awesome, Dad.
HARRY
Al, look. There's no way you'll be in Slytherin. The Sorting Hat takes what you want into account, alright? So just play it cool, tell it you want to be in Gryffindor, and then you'll be amazing and popular like I am.
(The train whistles from offstage. JAMES hugs GINNY and HARRY and runs off to board the train)
You'd better get on! Have a great time, slugger.
(ALBUS goes to hug his father but HARRY high-fives him and turns away. ROSE approaches him as GINNY, HERMIONE, RON, HUGO, and LILY wave goodbye. ALBUS and ROSE board the train. As they turn away, HUGO drops his hand and looks at GINNY.)
HUGO
They're fucked, aren't they Mum?
HERMIONE
Your sister will be okay, Hugo – she's just a side character. But Albus is Harry Potter's son and there's an unnecessary sequel centered around him. Of course he's fucked.
(ALBUS and ROSE come across SCORPIUS on the train, who is sitting and reading by himself. He notices their presence and pops his head out of his book.)
SCORPIUS
Oh, hello there. Want some sweets? I've just been reading about how Honeydukes makes their Pepper Imps. It's fascinating really.
(ALBUS starts to walk toward SCORPIUS, but ROSE stops him)
ROSE
Albus, what are you thinking? Don't you know who that is? He's Scorpius Malfoy – people say he's Lord Voldemort's son.
ALBUS
Rose, don't be ridiculous. He has a nose.
(He begins to walk toward Scorpius)
ROSE
But…but it's a small nose!
(ALBUS ignores her – he only has eyes for SCORPIUS)
ALBUS
I'm Albus. The rest of my name isn't important because my dad sucks.
(Reaching for the bag of sweets in Scorpius's lap, leaning over him)
Mind if I try a taste?
SCORPIUS
I offered, didn't I? You have my whole-hearted consent.
(ALBUS fumbles with the wrapper, still leaned over Scorpius's lap)
ALBUS
How – how do I…?
SCORPIUS
Haven't you ever done this before?
ALBUS
My parents just don't understand me. They don't exactly approve…
(ROSE pulls ALBUS away from SCORPIUS, and we see he is holding a candy wrapper)
...of sweets. They've never let me eat sugary things, you see.
ROSE
Albus, we should go. I – I'm feeling ill. Dreadfully ill.
(ALBUS shakes her off, still staring at Scorpius)
ALBUS
You know where the loo is, we passed it on the way here.
(To SCORPIUS)
But really, how do you open wrappers like these?
SCORPIUS
There's a spell, if it's really stuck. I could teach you. I could teach you a lot of things, really…
ALBUS
My wand is at the ready.
ROSE
Oh for Merlin's sake. Al, I'm leaving.
(ALBUS sits down on the seat next to SCORPIUS, still not looking at ROSE.)
ALBUS
Yeah, okay, see you.
(ROSE storms off)
SCORPIUS
Thanks for staying.
ALBUS
I stayed because you're sweet. No, wait, I meant to say I didn't stay because of you – I stayed because of your sweets.
(People crowd around ALBUS, separating him from SCORPIUS before the latter can answer as the change to Great Hall occurs. SCORPIUS sits and reads his book, trying not to stare at ALBUS and failing. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL enters with the SORTING HAT.)
SORTING HAT
(Sing-song)
Oh you may not think I'm pretty,
But don't judge on what you see,
For I'm a useful plot device
That's why they're using me!
There's nothing hidden in your head
The Sorting Hat can't see,
Except of course a Horcrux -
And so-ci-o-path-y!
Young Harry was a Slytherin
Hermione, Ravenclaw
And Ronald Weasley Hufflepuff
That's how I'd sort them all!
But Rowling thought it useful
To unite them in one name
So I threw them all in Gryffindor
And secured their lasting fame
Now once again I'm needed
To separate friend from foe
So put me on and talk with me
And I'll tell you what I know!
STUDENT #1
(Pointing to SCORPIUS)
Come over here first, Sorting Hat! He's the son of Voldemort, he's got to be a Slytherin!
(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL and the SORTING HAT go to SCORPIUS. The hat is placed on his head.)
SORTING HAT
Brainy. Innocent. No ambition of any kind. RAVENCLAW!
(There is a collective gasp from the CROWD)
STUDENT #2
(Hesitantly, they push ALBUS to the front)
And – and him? He's a Potter!
(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL and the SORTING HAT go to ALBUS. The hat is placed on his head)
ALBUS
(Looking upward to speak to the hat)
No one understands me, hat. I'm too angsty for that. But you're magical, aren't you? Maybe you can see I have daddy issues. Please put me in Gryffindor.
SORTING HAT
Sure, if it means that much to you! GRYFFINDOR!
(The CROWD begins to cheer, but PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL shushes them. She speaks sternly to the hat.)
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Now Hat, this is not what we discussed. This is a play. A LONG play. What do you expect, Albus will become a Gryffindor and everything will be unicorns and lemon drops?
SORTING HAT
Hufflepuff?
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Warmer.
SORTING HAT
Ravenclaw?
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
There's only one option left...
SORTING HAT
Okay, fine, Slytherin!
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Thank you, Hat.
(She points to SCORPIUS)
And what is young Mr. Malfoy over there?
SORTING HAT
(Sounding resigned)
A Slytherin, Headmistress McGonagall.
(Transition. ALBUS starts stage right with SCORPIUS by his side as the CROWD mills about. As the montage progresses they move steadily across to stage left.)
STUDENT #3
What are you doing in Slytherin, Potter?
STUDENT #4
Are you even Harry's son?
STUDENT #5
You don't even look like him!
(STUDENT #6 hands him a small vacuum cleaner)
STUDENT #6
Come on, prove you're a Potter. Let's see you fly!
ALBUS
But you've given me a vacuum!
STUDENT #6
The son of Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley shouldn't need a broom to fly! You should be able to clean up the competition on the Quidditch pitch no matter what you're riding.
SCORPIUS
If Albus could fly without a broom he'd be proving he was Voldemort's son, not Harry Potter's.
STUDENT #6
Whatever you say, Slytherin freaks!
(STUDENT #6 fades back into the CROWD. ALBUS puts down the vacuum and moves forward with SCORPIUS.)
STUDENT #7
Help! Troll! There's a troll in the dungeon!
STUDENT #8
Let's get Potter to take care of it!
(STUDENT #9 pushes out of the crowd)
STUDENT #9
Follow me Albus, we need you to save Polly Chapman from a troll! Your dad took one down all on his own during first year, and you're even a second year now-
ROSE
Actually, my parents helped -
ALBUS
Isn't that what professors are for? Saving us from our surprisingly dangerous magic school, even though it's supposed to be the safest place in the country?
STUDENT #9
You're not going to blindly rush into a dangerous situation to save someone you hate? Wimp! No wonder you aren't a Gryffindor!
(ROSE and STUDENT #9 fade back into the CROWD. ALBUS moves forward with SCORPIUS. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL appears with the SORTING HAT.)
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Lily Potter!
(LILY steps forward out of the CROWD. The hat is placed on her head.)
SORTING HAT
GRYFFINDOR!
(It waits a beat)
You aren't going to question me this time?
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Heavens no! It's much more dramatic if both Albus's brother and sister are living up to everyone else's expectations while he isn't!
(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL and the SORTING HAT fade back into the CROWD. ALBUS and SCORPIUS move forward but are soon blocked by STUDENT #10 and STUDENT #11)
STUDENT #10
Where do you think you're going, snakeskin?
SCORPIUS
Isn't this getting a little old, you guys?
STUDENT #11
Just because we're all third years now doesn't mean you two aren't still freaks!
(STUDENT #10 and STUDENT #11 raise their wands at ALBUS and SCORPIUS threateningly. ALBUS shakily points his wand at one of them)
ALBUS
Lo-lo-locomotor Mortis!
(The spell backfires and ALBUS falls to the ground - his legs are glued together. SCORPIUS kneels beside him to help him up as STUDENT #10 and STUDENT #11 cackle)
STUDENT #10
You're always going to suck at magic, Potter! You're nothing like your father!
(STUDENT #10 and STUDENT #11 fade into the CROWD)
STUDENT #12
Did you hear Rose Granger-Weasley was put on the Gryffindor Quidditch team?
STUDENT #13
I've heard she's the best Chaser they've had since Ginny Potter!
STUDENT #14
She's just so perfect! It's almost like she's an ideal Albus will always be compared to without being given any faults of her own!
(ALBUS sits up, groaning, as SCORPIUS helps him)
ALBUS
Great. As if my cousin needed something else to make her head big.
SCORPIUS
They do have a point.. She's perfect. Because she's a girl. Who is perfect. Because I'm attracted to girls. So I'm attracted to her.
ALBUS
Why-oh whatever.
You're the only one I can depend on, Scorpius. You're the only one who understands me. It's like you're my soulmate –
(He hastily corrects himself)
But in a totally platonic way, of course.
(ALBUS and SCORPIUS stand and move forward. They are now on Platform 9 ¾. HARRY and DRACO have entered. SCORPIUS stands with DRACO, a bit off to the side.)
HARRY
Alright Al! Fourth year's always a big one, pal! In my fourth year I fought a dragon, rescued your Uncle Ron from the Black Lake, kicked You-Know-Who's ass…
(He stares off dreamily for a moment, then comes back to himself)
Sorry, what were we talking about? Girl advice? Did you want advice on how to ask a girl out? Because –
ALBUS
That isn't an issue for me, Dad. God, you don't understand me! You never have!
HARRY
I'm trying to understand you, slugger. I wrote a song on my guitar about it and everything.
ALBUS
Dad, I don't care about your stupid guitar-
(HARRY gasps)
HARRY
You don't care about Funky Taylor Swift? Take that back right now, young man, or-
ALBUS
Or what? You'll write a song about how you wish I wasn't your son?
HARRY
Yes!
ALBUS
So you admit it, then? You wish I wasn't your son?
HARRY
Wait, I- I might have meant that, but I'm not sure-
(Confused pause)
What was the question again? Something about girl advice?
(ALBUS spots SCORPIUS in the CROWD. SCORPIUS is reading a book, but stops and looks when he overhears what is going on)
ALBUS
It's fine Dad. Whatever. You wouldn't understand.
(ALBUS walks over to SCORPIUS. SCORPIUS awkwardly pats him on the back)
SCORPIUS
Are you okay? That sounded pretty bad - it made me look up from my book and everything.
ALBUS
It's fine. I'm fine. It's not like I'm going to lock myself in my room later, sulk, and sing along angstily to Panic! At the Disco.
(The two notice DRACO moving toward HARRY. The pair are clearly curious)
ALBUS
Wait, what does your dad want with my dad?
SCORPIUS
I guess we're about to find out - the actor who plays Draco is really good at projecting, I'm sure we'll hear him from across the stage.
(The pair are clearly listening in.)
DRACO
Potter, I would like to politely plea for your patronage.
HARRY
What is it you'd like me to do, Draco?
DRACO
I'm positive that by now you've heard these preposterous presumptions about my progeny's parentage.
HARRY
I've heard people questioning whether your wife went back in time to have a kid with Voldemort, yeah. What do you want me to do about it?
DRACO
Plainly, you must point out the postiveness with which we perpend his paternity. The power permitted to you, as the principal proprietor of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement –
HARRY
Look, I can't really say anything, because it'll make it look like I care when I'm supposed to be too cool and famous to care about anything. But everyone knows that even if Time-Turners worked like that in the original series, all of them were destroyed when I handed your dad's ass to him at the Department of Mysteries. There are absolutely no more Time-Turners.
(HERMIONE enters, Time-Turner in hand, and taps HARRY on the shoulder. He turns to face her as DRACO walks away, still upset.)
HERMIONE
Harry, look what we just found – a Time-Turner!
HARRY
Wow, I thought that all of these were gone!
HERMIONE
We were wrong! It was found with some Death Eaters, so we shouldn't be surprised if it breaks canon and works in a fundamentally different way than anything we've seen before! Now we need to make sure this stays a Ministry secret…
AMOS
(From offstage)
Did I hear you shouting across the train station that you've found a Time-Turner that might defy previous time travel precedents?
(Enters and begins walking toward HARRY as HERMIONE wanders off on the platform)
Splendid! We can use it to save my dead son, Cedric Diggory!
HARRY
Mr. Amos Diggory? Where did you just come from?
AMOS
Backstage, of course. You can hear everything splendidly from there! It's good to keep up on all the goings-on – there's certainly a lot of information dumped on you all at once in this play!
HARRY
Well, Mr. Diggory, I'm sorry, I was really upset when Cedric died too. He was a big fan of mine. I wrote a song about it and everything. But if we try to bring back Cedric we run the risk of resurrecting the most powerful Dark wizard of our time. And that wouldn't be cool.
AMOS
But saving my Hufflepuff son who never did anything important clearly takes precedence!
(DELPHI enters and approaches ALBUS and SCORPIUS)
DELPHI
You can't argue with that logic, can you?
ALBUS
No, he really has some rock-solid reasoning there
(Looking at DELPHI confusedly)
Who are you?
DELPHI
The name's Delphini, but no one can pronounce that, so call me Delphi. I'm a Riddle.
SCORPIUS
Oh, I love riddles! I hope I get to show off my braininess later on and solve some! Preferably when we're all in mortal danger!
DELPHI
Yeah. Word games. That's what I meant.
(To ALBUS)
Albus, please consider helping me save Cedric Diggory.
ALBUS
Why do you care about Cedric Diggory? Why should anyone care about Cedric Diggory? I'm too moody to care.
DELPHI
He's, um… he's… my cousin! Yes. Amos is my uncle, Cedric was my cousin, and I'm very upset I never got to meet him.
HARRY
Amos, look, I'm super sorry your son is dead, but there's nothing I can do without putting the Wizarding World in danger. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go destroy that Time-Turner.
(HERMIONE overhears him and approaches)
HERMIONE
We can't destroy it Harry! This is an arms race! There might be another one, and if someone else gets to travel back in time I want to have that option too!
(She looks to RON, who is playing got-your-nose with HUGO)
It's comforting to know that it's never too late to change your mind.
HARRY
(Shrugging)
Suit yourself. I'm kind of just a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. You're the bossy know-it-all, Hermione.
AMOS
So you'll hold onto an extremely dangerous Time-Turner for someone else to steal, but you won't use it to save my son? Clearly The Boy Who Lived isn't as brave as he used to be!
HARRY
(Aside)
You're cooler than him, Harry, don't let him get to you. He's just jealous because you're famous and have better hair.
HERMIONE
It's a plot device. It isn't supposed to make sense!
DELPHI
(To ALBUS)
See? Your father isn't going to help my uncle and I. It's just…he just doesn't understand us…
(This resonates with ALBUS – DELPHI is playing him. He now looks determined)
ALBUS
You're right, he doesn't! He never understands! Scorpius and I will help you. And even if we do bring back Lord Voldemort-
DELPHI
Don't worry, we will.
SCORPIUS
What did you just say?
DELPHI
Absolutely nothing.
(SCORPIUS shrugs)
SCORPIUS
Must have been the wind. Or foreshadowing. It's rather hard to tell, I suppose we'll just have to wait and see.
AMOS
Fine, Mr. Potter. Have it your way. I suppose I'll just have to live out the rest of my years alone, with no relatives to keep me company.
DELPHI
(To ALBUS and SCORPIUS)
He's forgetting about me, of course.
(Shouting to AMOS, who has now walked away from HARRY and HERMIONE)
Uncle Amos! Amos Diggory!
(AMOS looks confused, but he comes over)
AMOS
Who are you?
DELPHI
(Pointing her wand at AMOS)
Imperio!
AMOS
Ah yes, Delp-ninny!
DELPHI
Imperio!
AMOS
(Moving to hug her)
Ah yes, my beloved niece, Delphi.
DELPHI
Uncle Amos, Harry Potter's son has agreed to help us save Cedric!
SCORPIUS
And I'll help too! There's absolutely no reason for me not to trust you!
DELPHI
Yes, yes, and the bookworm.
AMOS
(Shaking their hands vigorously)
Splendid! Thank you, boys, thank you!
ALBUS
Wait, I just thought of something! Shouldn't we tell Teddy that we'll be stealing a Time-Turner that breaks all the previously known rules of time travel? You know, so he can go back to the Battle of Hogwarts and save his dead parents?
SCORPIUS, DELPHI, and AMOS
Who?
ALBUS
Teddy? Teddy Lupin? Son of Tonks and Remus Lupin?
SCORPIUS
Albus, are you feeling alright? I have absolutely no idea who you're talking about.
ALBUS
(Smacking his head)
Oh, I'm so stupid, I forgot, he isn't in this play at all! Sorry! Carry on!
(The train whistles. The CROWD begins to disperse. HARRY, HERMIONE, RON, and GINNY begin to lead their other children onto the train)
DELPHI
Quickly, before they notice you're gone! Meet us outside in fifteen minutes, once everyone has left. We can't let them see that you haven't boarded the Hogwarts Express!
SCORPIUS
Skipping school? Now look, you never said anything about skipping school.
DELPHI
Lighten up, Scorpius. Aren't you tired of reading about adventures in books? Don't you want to be the one getting stabbed in the back like Caesar, or –
ALBUS
Wait, what?
DELPHI
Nothing.
ALBUS
Damn that wind. Or foreshadowing.
(To SCORPIUS)
Come on Scorp, let's go!
SCORPIUS
(Privately to ALBUS)
Are we sure this is a good idea? I'm just really worried that –
(ALBUS hugs him tightly in a non-platonic way)
ALBUS
You worry too much. Just do what I do and jump into situations blindly, then sulk about it later when nothing works out right.
SCORPIUS
Oh, are we friends that hug now? Okay. I – I like it.
(Beat)
And I'm not afraid to rush into this blindly. As long as we do it together.
(SCORPIUS and ALBUS run offstage. HARRY, HERMIONE, RON, and GINNY come back on)
GINNY
Excuse me Mr. Diggory, have you seen Albus? He was just talking to you a moment ago, and I didn't see him get on the train…
AMOS
He's hiding in the loo until you leave.
DELPHI
(Pointing her wand at AMOS)
Imperio!
AMOS
He got on the train with that Malfoy boy!
DELPHI
Don't worry, he'd never want to miss the train! After all, there's nothing that he loves more than Hogwarts, where he's bullied mercilessly!
HARRY
Great, thanks! We'll take your word for it!
(To GINNY)
See, I told you not to worry! Everything is totally awesome!
I.2
(Enter SCORPIUS, ALBUS, and DELPHI)
DELPHI
Ok, so how are we going to break into the ministry? Are we going to storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things? I think we should storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things.
(Beat. Uncomfortable laughter.)
SCORPIUS
No, this isn't The Matrix. Whenever anyone ever needed to break into anything in the main books, what did they use?
ALBUS
I don't know. I hated those books.
SCORPIUS
Polyjuice Potion, of course.
DELPHI
Of course! We'll disguise ourselves as low-ranking ministry officials – we'll knock them out, and then pretend to be them going about their business!
ALBUS
Nah, that'd be too easy. Let's disguise ourselves as my father and Hermione and Ron. That's obviously the best way to go.
SCORPIUS
I think people might recognize us...
ALBUS
I bet they won't.
SCORPIUS
And what if they show up here?
ALBUS
They won't! We're teenagers. Weird schemes that should never work out for teenagers always work out in this universe, right? I've got some hair right here, all prepared. I'm going to the bathroom.
(HE drops the hair into his potion and exits. SCORPIUS looks at DELPHI)
SCORPIUS
Ok, I guess?
(SCORPIUS and DELPHI follow ALBUS. Sounds of retching. From the bathrooms emerge HARRY / SCORPIUS, RON / ALBUS, and DELPHI / HERMIONE)
RON (ALBUS)
Let's go. But – can we stop by my dad's office? I want to leave a stink bomb in there.
HERMIONE (DELPHI)
Are you kidding? We're trying to destroy the world – I mean, uh, save someone, and you're dealing with daddy issues?
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
(aside, to HERMIONE (DELPHI))
He always has daddy issues. Look, there's the minister's office, just up that flight of stairs!
(Beat)
Do I look like your daddy?
RON (ALBUS)
Yeah, kind of. You don't quite pull it off, though.
HERMIONE (DELPHI)
(By now, SHE has run to the top of the stairs and discovered that a pantomimed "door" is stuck)
The door is not opening, even when I use magic. What will we do?
RON (ALBUS)
Let me try. I bet I can open it.
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
(also going to help with the door)
Why don't I look like Harry Potter?
RON (ALBUS)
I don't know – you're just not.
(HE grunts as he pulls at the door. HARRY (SCORPIUS) is now directly behind RON (ALBUS).)
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
But I've got to look exactly like him.
(HE grunts)
Come on, Albus. Who's your Daddy?
RON (ALBUS)
You are.
(Grunts)
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
What?
(Grunts)
Say it again.
RON (ALBUS)
You are. You are my Daddy.
(Suddenly the door flies open. The three fall back. HERMIONE (DELPHI) looks between her two partners.)
HERMIONE (DELPHI)
You guys are weird.
(Before they can respond, the sound of footsteps.)
Look! It's us! Hermione Granger-Weasley and Potter are coming down the hallway!
RON (ALBUS)
What are we going to do? There's nowhere to hide.
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
The minister's office! Quick!
RON (ALBUS)
But that's where they're going to go!
HERMIONE (DELPHI)
You'll have to stop them, Albus.
RON (ALBUS)
What? Why me?
HERMIONE (DELPHI)
Because we're them. Come on.
(HERMIONE (DELPHI) and HARRY (SCORPIUS) withdraw into the office. RON (ALBUS) closes the door.)
RON (ALBUS)
(with real angst)
Why meee?
(HERMIONE (DELPHI) and HARRY (SCORPIUS) run through the wings. There is a pause as it is made clear the actors are scrambling to get to the other side of the stage, with loud sounds of running footsteps. Enter HERMIONE and HARRY)
HARRY
Well, Hermione, thank you for your concern, but I think I'll be fine. After all, I am Harry Potter.
HERMIONE
(sees RON (ALBUS))
Ron! What are you doing here?
RON (ALBUS)
Nothing. I mean, uh, waiting for you!
(HERMIONE leans in for a kiss. RON (ALBUS) sees it and stands there awkwardly. HERMIONE looks at him. RON (ALBUS) realizes what he has to do, and firmly kisses her.)
HERMIONE
Well.
RON (ALBUS)
What?
HERMIONE
I haven't been kissed like that for a long time. It's like we're young again.
HARRY
I should go...
HERMIONE
Really, Harry. Whatever you said to Albus, I'm sure it will be fine in the long run.
RON (ALBUS)
No it won't!
HERMIONE
What?
RON (ALBUS)
I mean, "No it won't" uh, be fine in the short run, but then it will be okay! Things like this happen all the time.
HARRY
I wish I could believe you.
HERMIONE
We all say things we don't mean.
RON (ALBUS)
And sometimes we say things we do mean.
HERMIONE
Not, now, Ron. Anyway, Harry, I'll see you around.
(HARRY exits. HERMIONE tries to go into her office. RON (ALBUS) blocks her.)
Ron, honestly.
RON (ALBUS)
(desperate)
Don't you think we should have a baby, Aunt Hermione? I mean, Hermione?
(HE kisses her again.)
HERMIONE
What? Another?
RON (ALBUS)
We could go discuss it, right now.
HERMIONE
Ronald Weasley, if there is another stink bomb in my office, nothing will save you.
(RON (ALBUS), hoping for an opening, laughs sheepishly)
Fine. I'll let you clean it up. But it had better be clean by two o'clock. I have a meeting with the head Gringots goblin then.
RON (ALBUS)
It will be.
(HERMIONE and HARRY exit. RON (ALBUS) makes a face at HARRY'S retreating back. HE then enters the office, where HERMIONE (DELPHI) and HARRY (SCORPIUS) are waiting, having run through the wings once more. Bookshelves made up of two TECHIES holding up a black curtain and at least one shelf with books on it. A THIRD TECHIE holds books beneath the shelf, their hands coming through the curtain, as if the books are floating.)
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
You kissed your aunt.
RON (ALBUS)
Yes.
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
Was it good?
RON (ALBUS)
Shut up!
HERMIONE (DELPHI)
The time turner. It has to be here somewhere. We didn't touch anything while you were away - whenever someone in a fantasy series triggers a trap when the main character isn't there, things don't go too well for them.
RON (ALBUS)
Oh, how considerate.
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
(looking at the bookshelves)
Let's try looking in the books.
(HARRY (SCORPIUS) pulls one of the books from the TECHIE'S hands, then drops it as if it were hot. It begins to speak.)
BOOK
Answer me these questions three, ere the time turner you see.
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
Riddles! I love riddles! It's really convenient that I just told you that in the last scene, isn't it? It's a little disappointing that we don't seem to be in mortal danger, though...
BOOK
He who builds me doesn't use me
He who buys me doesn't want me
He who uses me –
THE THREE
Coffin!
BOOK
(sighing)
Fine... Hmm... Oh, I know!
The first is the fourth, a disappointing mark.
You'll find it in parked but not in park.
HERMIONE (DELPHI)
This one is harder.
BOOK
The second is the less fair of those that walk on two legs.
Grubby, hairy, a disease of the egg.
And the third is both a mountain to climb and a route to take.
RON (ALBUS)
Scorpius?
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
(Suddenly, HERMIONE (DELPHI) is grabbed by the bookshelf and begins to be pulled behind the curtain)
HERMIONE (DELPHI)
Think faster!
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
Yay! We are in mortal danger!
(Beat)
The first is the fourth, a disappointing grade – a D?
(HE shudders)
Then what is the less fair of those who walk on both legs? A disease of the egg?
HERMIONE (DELPHI)
Men, obviously!
(SHE disappears behind the curtain)
RON (ALBUS)
Delphi! De-men- what's that? Demons?
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
Dementors?
RON (ALBUS)
Wait, what's the third part?
BOOK
Correct!
RON (ALBUS)
What about the third part?
DELPHI
(from offstage)
It doesn't matter!
RON (ALBUS)
Right. The riddles.
BOOK
The third and final riddle is...
(Pause)
What have I got in my pocketses?
RON (ALBUS)
What? That's not a riddle! That's not even from this series!
(The BOOKSHELF grabs RON (ALBUS))
Hey! You don't even have pockets!
BOOK
Nope! What have I got in my pocketses?
RON (ALBUS)
Scorpius!
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
The one ring?
BOOK
(gleefully)
Nope!
(RON (ALBUS) is consumed)
ALBUS
(from offstage)
Come on, Scorpius, think!
HARRY (SCORPIUS)
(Casting about wildly)
I don't know. I don't know! Pockets? Like the inside of the covers?
BOOK
That's dust jackets, not pocketses.
(The BOOKSHELF makes a grab for HARRY (SCORPIUS). HARRY (SCORPIUS) blocks the BOOKSHELF. THEY struggle. For a moment, HE disappears behind the curtain. There is a moment of total silence. Then SCORPIUS bursts back out, as himself.)
SCORPIUS
No! I'm a bookworm – I consume books, not the other way around!
(SCORPIUS grabs the bookshelf's off-hand, carrying a pocketbook. SCORPIUS takes the pocketbook from the bookshelf.)
Wait, wait! A book's pockets. A pocketbook!
(He opens the pocketbook – the time turner falls out onto the floor. The BOOKSHELF immediately retreats. The BOOKSHELVES eject DELPHI and ALBUS, both un-polyjuiced.)
DELPHI
Finally!
ALBUS
Yuck! I am never reading anything ever again.
SCORPIUS
Look guys . . . the time turner.
DELPHI
(ominously)
Finally.
(Blackout.)