Elissa Cousland closed her eyes a moment, remembering what her father had once told her, even as she felt her chest squeezing painfully, her head spinning, her eyes and throat burning.

"A Cousland always does her duty. Always. No matter how bitter it is, pup." He'd ruffled her hair affectionately, but his eyes had been grave. "Maker forbid you ever feel that duty is unbearable, but if you do: you take a breath, and plunge ahead - like jumping into a cold pond." He'd smiled then, kissing her forehead. "And when you've gotten it over with, you exhale. And then worry about the next breath."

She took a breath. Held it. Exhaled.

It was very, VERY difficult to take in the next breath, but she did – a great tearing gasp that very nearly broke her heart.

The exhale finally did break it.

Elissa Cousland stormed out of the Landsmeet Chamber, tight-lipped and grim, refusing to let the tears flow from her eyes. What have I done? Maker, what have I done?

"Elissa," Leliana began, faintly horrified, trying to touch Elissa's arm as their leader strode swiftly across the blue and gold carpeting, heading for the heavy wooden doors. "Elissa, wait!"

"Leli…. Not now." Her voice sounded strange even to her – thick, strangled. Full of tears or rage or… something. She wasn't sure exactly what yet, just that it was hot and painful and Maker above, she needed to get out, get some air.

"But how could you…"

Elissa kept going, shoving angrily past a relieved Ser Cauthrien in the antechamber.

Once she got outside of the Landsmeet, Elissa ran. She didn't care where she was going – couldn't really see where she was headed either. She ran away from the palace, away from the ruins of her life… away down past the docks until she slipped into an alley. She backed herself into the darkest corner she could find, covered her face with her hands, slid down the wall, and began to cry bitterly.

She had bested Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir in combat. Spared him honorably because he yielded, and because Riordan said they needed every Warden they could get. Alistair hated her guts and had left both the wardens and her, spitting the most vicious accusation he could think of at her. And for the good of Ferelden and certainly not for love, Alistair was marrying Anora.

And now, she, Elissa Cousland, had Loghain to worry about. He owed her his life; she was responsible for him now.

A wet, cold nose poked her and Wolf whined, licking her face. Elissa put her arms around the mabari's neck and hugged it, glad that at least one of her companions had followed to make sure she was all right.."At least you don't hate me, do you, boy?" she asked shakily.

The mabari licked her and facing her, his large head nuzzling into the left side of her neck, put his paw on her right shoulder, for all the world as if he were hugging her.

It was a pitiful thing, she realized, when the only 'person' in the world who still cares about you has four legs and dog breath. Maker, I want to die. Please, please let me die.

One breath.

Another.

"Cara mia," and she was scrambling to her feet, her sword in her hand, her heart pounding painfully. She might want to die, but her body hadn't gotten the message yet.

"Peace, my dear Warden." It was the Antivan assassin, Zevran Arainai, and he stood in the open, his arms crossed across his chest. Wolf walked over to him and nuzzled him, then turned back to his mistress.

There was something fitting about the assassin being the one to find her, she thought, and she sheathed her weapon. So be it. Maker help her, she was so tired, and she just wanted an end to it. She closed her eyes, fighting to keep her breathing even, and leaned back against the wall.

She flinched as she felt a hand slide over her cheek gently, caressing her. She tasted blood – realized she'd bitten her own lip. The hand was stroking her still. It was strangely soothing, and she wondered… why? Why, when she was not struggling anymore? He could kill her easily, leave, fulfill his contract, live. Why soothe her?

Her eyes slid open, and Zevran was right there in front of her, his warm brown eyes studying her. Thank the Maker, there was no pity there in his eyes – only empathy. On a fundamental level, he understood the choice she'd made, and why she'd made it.

"Cara mia," he whispered, He stepped closer, opening his arms.

After a moment's hesitation, she stepped forward, felt his arms close gently around her. Put her face against his chest, breathing in deeply. He smelled of leather and cloves, and his silky blond hair tickled her nose. She shuddered hard against him, clutching him tightly as the tears claimed her again.

He didn't feel the need to say more; neither did she.

Elissa had stopped at Eamon's Denerim estate just long enough to grab her pack; she'd come and gone like a wraith. She couldn't spend another moment there – not knowing Alistair was there somewhere, hating her. Eamon tried to stop her; she simply told him she'd meet him in Redcliffe in three days time.

"We need –"

"I need," she said sharply, her voice and eyes full of pain. "and what I need is to be far away from hi– from here. Now."

None of them offered to accompany her. None. She supposed that said all there was to say about how they felt.

As she got to the stables, she saw there were three horses saddled, and Zevran's face was dark and impassive as he held both his and hers by the reins. The last horse was a huge, powerful black, and as she strode forward, his rider – in massive Chevalier armor – mounted up.

"It appears we ride with company," Zevran muttered, as Elissa turned to face her millstone.

Loghain Mac Tir looked down at her from the back of his warhorse, his face closed and impassive.

Elissa fought to keep her face neutral as she mounted her own horse. "Well then, shall we?" She squeezed her knees, starting her horse walking forward. Maker, let me make it through the next breath.

Loghain pressed his horse into a trot, then reined in beside her. "You probably think I'm some kind of monster…."

Elissa shuddered, took a deep breath, and shook her head sharply. "Please… for the love of Andraste, not now."