Hello! My name is Uncle WAAAGH!
So this is my first fanfiction, although I am familiar of how to write.
Now the idea i have is not original, quite a few people have done it before, but i want to take a spin. Such stories are Tinyhammer and Minihammer, where you can find from their respective authors.
The premise is, the vast armies of warhammer 40k have been shrunk down to their model size. Hulking ten foot tall space marines now an inch tall. The destructive monoliths only go up to the ankle. Titans going up to your knees. (Not my description)
So this is my take on the hilarious idea, enjoy!
Sternguard Veteran Eremiel of the Ultramarines swung his chainsword, deflecting a clumsy blow from the hulking greenskin, before digging the chainsword down its chest, dark red ichor flooding out of its body, as its body flopped into two halves. He ducked underneath another blow, tripping a greenskin with his foot, before lining up a single bolt pistol shot. Its head exploded in a shower of bone and gristle. The rest of his tactical squad had been killed, and how he was surrounded by orks.
"Oi! Ya stoopid gitz! Lemme show ya 'ow a real ork does some krumpin!" A booming voice cackled, pushing the greenskins aside. They hooted and hollered, pounding their cleavers and hatchets on the ground, making a booming noise. This was a Warboss, the force commander equivalent of the xenos. It smiled at him, its large foul teeth with chunks of meat stuck between him. The large beady red cyborg eye sized up his opponent.
"Foul xenos! You may kill me today, but the emperor is my light." Eremiel snarled at him, the chainsword roaring in anger. The massive ork let out a loud guffaw, his massive chainaxe roaring in his left hand, the right one now a permanently attached kustom shoota.
"Anuva 'ead fur me boss pole, dat is always good dat is." The Warboss snarled, spittle flying from its oversized canines, its spit landing on Eremiel's helmet. He boiled within, ready to parry any blow he threw at him.
I came home from work, parking the car in My garage. I looked at my new house, and smiled. My grandmother left the house in her will, just to prove our two suckup sisters that they were suckups, and should go get a job. I could still feel that shoe that they threw at me, and I rubbed the back of my head in sympathy. The house itself was large, with three bedrooms (one for myself, two guests), two bathrooms, a living room, dining room, an office, a basement and an attic. The rent actually wasn't that much, which was good, as I had to refocus all of my efforts on paying student loans. I worked at an office downtown, but it paid well. I fumbled with the keys, as I opened the door. I heard some weird noise in the kitchen, and decided to investigate. I greeted my dog, which was calmly sleeping on its bed in the living room.
"Come at me xenos! Die like a coward!" Eremiel roared at the warboss. The warboss snarled, as the greenskins made room for the massive combatants. The warboss charged, swinging his axe. Eremiel rolled out of the way, slicing his chainsword at its arm. The teeth of the chainsword roared, as it met metal. He fired the bolt pistol at the arm holding the axe, the bolts detonating on the metal armor.
"Stoopid space mehrine! Yooze gonna die now!" The warboss cackled, lining up his shooter. Eremiel realised his mistake. At this range, the warboss couldn't miss, no matter how quickly Eremiel moved. Eremiel threw down his bolt pistol, taking off his crimson helmet, revealing his battered and scarred face. He brushed his service studs in anger, his crystal blue eyes sizing up his killer.
"Kill me then." Eremiel spat at the xenos. It cackled, when suddenly a booming voice, seemingly from the sky itself, roared.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" I yelled. Thousands of heads turned my way. I was completely shocked. A miniature battle being taken place on my kitchen table! They all stopped fighting, and looked at me. They were small, most around an inch in height, but they were everywhere!
"Alright… Who's in charge here?" I demanded. They didn't move a muscle. I sighed, taking out the baseball bat I sometimes played with, that leaned on the door to the backyard.
"Answers!" I demanded. The massive green blob stepped aside, and a hulking figure stepped out of the mass. Taller than the others, around two inches tall, it yelled at him.
"Oim Warboss Gorefist! And oim gonna kick yer arse!" It roared, as it fired its weapon. I cried out loud. Jesus christ, those bullets hurt! I snarled, as I whacked the baseball bat at the warboss, smashing him into the table, the entire table leaning, with the power of my whack. The creature was turned into a green and red paste on my table. The rest of the creatures hollered, as they started to run away, running underneath my feet, hiding in the crooks and crannies of my dining room. A blue figure stood up proudly.
"Sternguard Veteran Eremiel of the Ultramarines 1st company. At your service." The sergeant said proudly. As I examined him, I realised that Eremeil's armor was highly decorated, purity seals hanging freely from his armor, a white cloak tied around his waist.
"And who were the green beans?" I asked. Eremiel slipped on his crimson helmet, snarling.
"Those are the foul orks, or greenskins. Do not worry, we shall purge them." He said, plopping his fist in his open hand, before reaching for his chainsword and bolt pistol, which was discarded onto the ground. More and more blue figures came around him, and I counted seventy in total. Tanks and other vehicles drove up to the corner of the table, where Eremiel stood. The rest of the Ultramarines looked astonished, at the massive creature that had single handedly scared off the ork WAAAGH!
"Alright no. no no no. You guys ruined my kitchen! I ain't letting you fight anything, or anyone." I said, pointing at the devastation of my kitchen. My collection of playboy magazines were ruined, holes all across their spines (I especially winced at this). A box of Pepsi cans were leaking cola all over the floor, and my breadbox was riddled with holes. Several broken cups and plates lied on the kitchen table, broken porcelain all over the table.
"Are there anymore of you people here?" I asked Eremiel. He shrugged.
"We are not too sure. I can't remember too much." Eremiel said, rubbing his head. He looked back up at Me.
"However, Terran, we would be glad to help you in the cause of finding our allies… and enemies…" Eremiel growled.
"Alright. Let's go look for them." I grumbled.
Eremiel looked up at the massive Terran, as it stomped away from the kitchen.
"Sergeant… what shall we do with the Terran?" Brother Omniel asked, and Eremiel merely shrugged.
"We have fallen from the emperor's light it seems. I sense the foul presence of chaos here… however. We follow his orders for now, until we can get out of this foul place…" Eremiel decided, as the Ultramarines began to move out. Space Marines boarded rhinos and razorbacks, as they carefully descended down the table, the whack with the mighty wooden thunder hammer making the table slanted. Land speeders cruised ahead, as they left the 'kitchen' following the massive terran.
As Eremiel had called them 'orks', they now started to gather up in a large mob, at the center of my rug.
"Alright. Now which one of you is the leader?" I asked, patting the baseball bat affectionately. The massive ork mob receded, leaving a lonely ork.
"What's your name?" I asked it.
"Doomspitta!" The ork shouted back. I chuckled. What a nice name.
"Alright Doomspitta." I said, rolling the name on my tongue. "I don't know where you freaks came from, but you're in my house. My house, my rules. First rule. No fighting."
"No foightin! But… But... Dats not fair!" Doomspitta yelped, but he quickly stopped ranting instantly, when I clutched my bat harder, my fingers going white from the pressure.
"You said it boss. No foightin." Doomspitta mumbled. Many of the orks yelled, but as I squinted at them, they stopped their complaining.
"Eremiel. Doomspitta, you're coming with me." I said, turning to the two armies, who looked like they were ready to beat the crap out of each other.
"Please don't fight. I'll go look for any other armies." I ordered.
"They will try." Eremiel said, as I scooped up both Eremiel and Doomspitta, holding them in one hand.
"Pray that when the terran isn't looking, that you die quickly." Eremiel snapped at Doomspitta
"Ya stoopid humie. Da boss said dere be no foightin." Doomspitta retorted.
"Hold the line! Hold the line dammit!" Lord General Irina roared, the Leman Russ tank exploded closeby, as the Tau broadsides fired with their railguns, destroying tanks.
"Heavy weapon teams! Hold back those kroot dammit! For every kroot you kill, is one less bullet I'll put in your head! Commissar! Morale!" Irina ordered, the vox operator shivering from her rage. She gave him a hard stare, before he started to stammer out orders.
"Morale is acceptable, Lord General." Commissar Boone said, reloading his bolt pistol, each shot with the value of one dead coward.
"Acceptable is all I need." Irina said, watching with magnoculars as the heavy weapon teams mowed down the charging kroot carnivores, fire warriors moving for cover, as las fire flushed them out of the open. Suddenly, light flooded into the room, blinding the clashing armies.
"Aw not in the office!" A booming voice roared.
I could handle the kitchen. I didn't really cook anyways, as I normally ordered takeout. But my office… turned into a battleground too. They fought on my computer desk, which spanned from one corner to the other. My desk was a mess, Soldiers hiding behind my cabinets as cover, as strange little robot suits stood on top of overturned folders, guns smoking.
"Alright. Leaders, step out. Armies, stand down. I don't wanna kill any of you." I said. Eremiel peeled back one of my fingers, looking at the clashing armies.
"Tau! Guardsmen! Stand down!" Eremiel yelled.
"Ya, ya stoopid humies and blooies!" Doomspitta yelled. Looking at the massive titan, One tau and a few guardsmen left their respective side.
"Greetings. I am Shas'O T'au To'resh." The Tau said. He was in a crisis battlesuit, a tan body, with red orbed lenses. A few drones hovered around him. I frowned at the name, and the Tau sighed.
"Gue'la, you may call me To'resh, or simply by my peers, Shas'o Foresight." Foresight said. I sighed. At least he understood how hard it was to say.
"I am Lord General Irina, leader of the remnants of the 417th Cadian Regiment, and these is my attendants." Irina said, moving her short red hair, dressed in formal attire, with red and black stripes.
"This is Commisar Boone, Sanctioned Psyker Arnest, and Lieutenant Malisa." She said, pointing to each one of them. Boone gave a tip of his peaked cap, and I whistled. That uniform was badass. Malisa saluted, dressed in similar attire as the rest of the guardsmen, and Arnest waved, dressed in bright robes that partially covered his face, and as soon as he did, the room felt a little colder.
"Do you guys know if there are any more armies out there?" I asked them. Irina shrugged.
"No. We only remember waking up here, and so did they." Irina said, pointing at Foresight. He nodded.
"The Gue'la speaks true. The Cadre woke up with very little memory. Then we encountered the Gue'la." Foresight said, pointing at Irina.
"Alright. Irina, Foresight come with me. I said, kneeling down.
"I'm not sure I trust you Gue'la, especially with a Be'gel in your palm. Foresight said, cautiously stepping on my hand. He felt surprisingly heavy, despite his small size.
"Tau. If he were to kill you, he would have done so already." Eremiel assured him, as he helped the Lord General onto my hand. He left, checking more and more of my rooms.
Farseer Alrosa shot out forked lightning from her hands, electrifying Chaos Cultists as they charged.
"For the dark gods!" They screamed, as they charged into the Howling Banshees, as the Banshees screamed. Their wail pierced through the cultists minds, and they hollered in gibbering delight, as they grabbed their skulls in satisfaction, moaning as their ears bled profusely. Chaos Marines charged with chainswords and bolt pistols. Alrosa leaped at them, knocking three of them over, as with three sharp jabs, ended their lives. What the Imperials called the Sisters of Battle were here too, all though she hadn't seen any of them so far in the confusing melee.
"Eldar Witch! Prepare to die…" The chaos lord roared at her. Alrosa turned to him, as the chaos lord sliced through cultists and eldar alike to get to her. He was dressed in massive terminator armor, a combi bolter in one hand, a rusted, yet gleaming power sword in the other. The foul colors of the black legion, and the marks of the dark gods on his black armor was all that she could see of him, although powerful red fire seeped out of its viewing slit.
"Come slave! Let us put you out of your misery." Alrosa said, twirling her singing spear, putting it in an enguard position. The chaos lord snarled, firing his combi bolter. Alrosa ducked and weaved out of the way, bolter bullets hitting cultists behind her, as their bodies exploded, the explosive bullets ripping them to pieces. As they clashed, a flooding light came from the ground, lighting up the dark area in which they fought. The three armies ceased their attacks, as a massive figure climbed up the stairs, a massive sun in his hands.
"Out of all places… the attic?" I said aloud, as the three armies froze in confusion.
"Heretics! Filthy Heretics! Consorting with Xenos is one thing, but you must kill me if you wish for me to side with them!" Eremiel said, activating his chainsword. He was about to leap into the tide of chaos forces, before I blocked his path.
"Oo! Spikey boyz! Boss! If we can't be friends with da spiky boyz, can we stomp em?" Doomspitta pleaded, snapping his massive crab like claw, that had permanently been attached to his left arm.
"I'll consider it. First, I want to find out what the hell you're all doing in my house…"
After twenty minutes (ten fixing my table) I had set the assorted leaders of each faction down on my kitchen table. I had searched through the basement, and I found a small table for dolls, most likely from one of my sisters. I found it amusing as these hard core killers sat at a little pink table, with smiley faces and flowers. It would have been even funnier if I gave them something to drink.
"Alright, first things first. Who the hell are all of you?" I asked, crossing my arms.
"We are the Space Marines." Eremiel said, standing up from the table.
"Those are the Greenskins, Eldar, Sisters of Battle, Imperial Guardsmen, Filthy Heretics, and Tau." He said, pointing at each and everyone of them
"Ok, thank you Sergeant Eremiel. I didn't catch your name, Filthy Heretic and Sister of Battle. Care to share?" I asked. The Chaos lord rose from the table, warpfire flaming from his viewing slit.
"Feeble worm! I am Lord Lodax, Terror of a hundred worlds! Slayer of the Innocent! Pillager of a thousand cities! Chosen of Chaos Undivided! I am the doom of all of you imbeciles!" Lodax roared, before he "sat" down in his chair. I let out a little snigger.
"You dare laugh at me? I will have your tongue for this!" Lodax growled at me, the warpfire receding. His banner made of human skin flapped freely in the air.
"Alright i'm sorry, o master. And what about you, miss?" I asked, my tone going down.
"Cannoness Kateal, of Our Martyred Lady." She said politely. She was dressed in full power armor, holy icons wrapped around her neck, and around her shoulder pauldrons, holy fire burning freely on a torch on her back. I smiled. The Sisters of Battle and Tau were the only ones who seemed manageable.
"Alright, it's ten o'clock, and I have to go to work tomorrow. Now, you guys can pick where you want to be, as I only stay around the living room. Couch is Neutral, and no fighting." I said again, with emphasis.
"But these filthy heretics cannot be trusted! They are probably the reason we are here in the first place!" Kateal pleaded, pointing at Lodax. Lodax sneered at her.
"You have fallen from the emperor's light. Perhaps it would be better if you served under my cause." Lodax chuckled.
"You will stay silent, filthy heretic, before I kill you right now." Irina snarled. They started to curse at each other, before I slammed my hand on the kitchen table, shaking them all.
"I had enough of your bickering!" I yelled, before I sighed.
"Alright listen. I don't know where you came from, but you live in my house. My house, my rules. Maybe, if you guys don't kill each other while you sleep, I can set up a way for you guys to settle your differences peacefully." I yawned, rubbing my eyes.
"Anyways… you guys can go wherever you want, just remember living room is neutral, so not there. I'm going to bed." I sighed. They all got into my hand, and I dropped them off at the base of the stairs, before I climbed into bed.