Title: Heaven, Hell, Something In Between

Rating: M

Author: Ellixer

Pairing: X/G

Disclaimer: Characters and show are owned by Universal and others. The story is mine. I make nothing.

Note: After coming back to life, a coming back together.

It's a dance of awkwardness. We die; fight as demon and archangel; then resurrect and adjust once again as warriors. But adjusting as people and friends is a bit different, especially when we aren't alone. Definitely when I have Joxer staring at me every five seconds like Aphrodite's hit him with a spell.

The closer to Greece we get, the colder the air seems to grow. We walk near each other, but not necessarily next to each other, the space makes the cold seem so much worse. Something between us hasn't been settled yet, I'm not sure what that is.

I tousle my short hair, trying to jostle my thoughts into place. Maybe if Joxer and Amarice weren't here? Maybe I should get her alone, force her to talk to me? You can't force Xena to do anything though. I have to wait till we make camp and follow her. Of course that's also when Joxer tends to make his presence more notably known so I'll have to dance around him somehow.

I speed my steps up, pulling up next to Amarice; I grab her arm and speed up more, pulling us both ahead of the group.

'Hey?!' She looks at me in bewilderment. Clearing my throat I lean in, talking under my breath.

'I need you to do me a favor.' Her eyebrows are still raised but she's curious.

'What?'

'When we make camp, I need you to keep Joxer off my hands for a little while.' Her eyebrows fall, now she just looks annoyed.

'How do you expect me to do that?' She's trying to yank her arm out of my hand, but I hold firm.

'Look Amarice. I need some time to talk with Xena, and I can't do that with Joxer following me around.' It's as if a sudden realization hits her and she looks somewhat ashamed.

'Oh, uh, yeah. I'll figure something out.' She nods her head at me suddenly serious. I give her a smile, patting her arm before falling back to my place by Xena and her horse.

The rest of the day passes as all others have lately. A few words, a few laughs, but nothing of substance, nothing to run home and tell mom about. I'm getting anxious, trying to figure out exactly what I'm going to say to Xena because I really don't know yet.

We finally stop to make camp and I quietly follow Xena as Amarice distracts Joxer with chores. I know Xena can hear me following her so I wait till we're far enough away before I say anything.

'Can we talk?' She tries to act like she's more interested in hunting.

'Don't you want to eat?' Her eyes are scanning the ground for tracks.

'Xena, please?' I'm tired of the way things are stuck. How can we know we will be together for eternity but have such a hard time connecting right now? She sighs, shoulders drop but still she doesn't turn to face me.

'Xena.' I reach out, my fingertips barely brush across her shoulder.

'I don't blame you.' She says quietly, head hanging low.

'For what?' My hand drops to my side, my fingers curl up and I'm suddenly wondering what I've done wrong. She turns finally; eye's full of hurt but no tears to wash it away.

'For not joining me in hell.' Why had that never crossed my mind? 'You never belonged there. If they hadn't let me become an Archangel I would have jumped.' As if an afterthought. 'I did jump.'

'What do you mean you jumped?' I want to move closer but I can sense she doesn't want that yet. She looks at me intensely.

'I wasn't going to leave you there by yourself.' There's a hint of anger in her words as she spits them out at me. I rake my fingers roughly through my hair. So it's me and I never even realized it. 'I don't blame you.' She says again, her voice soft once more as she takes a step towards me. But I don't believe her now.

'I'm….I'm so sorry.' I manage to look up at her but it's hard to accept the pain that I've caused. She shakes her head at me.

'I don't blame you.' She repeats, moving up so she's nearly against me. 'I would never have wanted that, there's just that small part of me that's hurt that you never even considered it.' I reach my hand up to touch her face but she shakes it away. 'No, I know it's stupid.'

'You feel betrayed.' She looks away, but says nothing. That's an answer in itself. 'Xena?' What can I possibly say or do?

'Don't worry about it.' She turns back to me, trying to act as if nothing has happened.

'No Xena, I mean it, I'm sorry.' I struggle with myself for a second before finally grasping her arms. We lock eyes, having a silent conversation that's somehow conveying things we can't seem to speak. I let go and we break apart, walking towards the small river and standing on its bank. The birds are still singing and warbling in the tree's, keeping the forest alive with noise.

'How about fish?' She asks after a while. The sun is beginning to go down and I don't think the others would be too happy if we got back without something to eat. I nod as she wades out into the water. Within minutes she's gotten more than enough fish for all of us.

I can't seem to find the right words, the words that will make everything alright again. I'm not really used to being on this side of the equation. We're walking back to camp and she's trying to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about, but if that were true then there wouldn't have been a gap between us this whole time.

I have no idea what everyone's talking about as we sit around the campfire picking at our fish. I'm stuck in my own brain, locked in a battle with myself. I know at some point someone is trying to get my attention, but it's not Xena so I don't really care.

I need to get away from everyone, sort out my thoughts and figure out how I'm going to fix this, because I am. Why is it that the one thing I always seem to do to her is to betray her, the one thing that hurts her most. I drop my plate down, walking away from everyone without saying a word. I hear Joxer calling out to me, he better not follow, I'm in no mood to be nice to him right now. My feet are moving but I'm not really paying attention to where I'm going. I just walk until I can't seem to walk anymore.

The night is clear but I can't make out the stars through the canopy of trees. There's nothing to sit on so I drop where I stand, nothing but dead leaves below me, frost already seeming to form on everything. I hug my knees to my chest and rest my chin on top of them.

'You know sulking doesn't help.'

"I'm not sulking.'

'What would you call it?' Xena sits down next to me, wrapping a blanket around us both.

'Contemplation.' She nods her head, then gets up building a fire in front of us. It takes a few minutes before its roaring and she returns to her place next to me, pulling the blanket around her shoulders.

'I told you I don't blame you.' We're both staring at the dancing flames as if that's who we're having the conversation with.

'But you do.'

'I don't know what it is I feel.' She turns, looking at me. 'There have been a lot of feelings and I can't decide what to do with them all.' I think I know what she's talking about. That moment when I was cleansed and became an archangel I suddenly knew and felt things I would never have known otherwise. That's how I knew we would be together for eternity, no matter what. That's why I didn't join her in hell. Something told me that no matter what, we would be together.

'Xena, that's why I didn't go, because I knew we would be together.' She's nodding her head at me, biting her bottom lip.

'I know, I felt it too.' What is it that she doesn't want to say? 'They showed me all the possibilities, for me and for you. The good and the bad and…' She turns away, tears glistening. 'They are just possibilities but if I left you there are so many good things that could happen for you.' Her head swings back to me, earnestness in her eyes.

'And many bad things too?' She doesn't say anything. I know how to play the game of possibilities and what ifs. It's too easy to get lost in that labyrinth. 'Why are you going to let it torture you? Why are you going to let it torture me?' She looks at me confused.

'You're trying to push a wedge between us.' I grab her hands in mine as she sighs.

'I just I don't want to be your downfall.' She whispers.

'Isn't it too late for that?' I've died how many times? Xena doesn't find this funny. 'Come on Xena, I have a right to make my own decisions. If I choose to let you be my downfall then so be it.' I try to get her to smile but she refuses. 'And what exactly did you say to Joxer?' Now she smiles.

'Wasn't me.'

'Somehow I don't believe that.' I lean into her, head falling against her shoulder.