Akito remembers everything about the day her father died. It was warm and sunny outside, but the room held a certain coldness that could not be explained. The footsteps of the maids scurrying back and forth seemed more like fingernails on a chalkboard than stockinged feet on tatami. The air seemed stale and heavy in spite of the warm breeze blowing through the window.
His face seemed relaxed and his eyes seemed to be looking through her into the distance as he tried vainly to focus on her face. His breath came in steady rasps as he struggled to convey his final wishes. Even now, as her companion sleeps she sometimes leans over him in an effort to recreate the waning warmth of Akira's last breaths as he whispered what he most desired before slipping into the finality of the next world.
Ren.
The word fell like a stone into her heart, piercing the sanctity of her ear canal before vibrating against her unprepared eardrum like a slap upon jell-o then echoing over and over again.
Ren.
Ren.
Ren.
She didn't hear herself howl at the no longer breathing figure before her. She didn't feel herself being lifted away from the body lying prone beneath her.
"He's not dead," she thought mistaking the rush of blood, his blood, through her veins as a pulse coming from him.
"He's not dead" as his voice reverberated in her ears, searing her brain and scalding her heart.
"He didn't ask for me. He didn't call my name," she wailed as the doctor pronounced him dead before walking out of the room.
She remembers that only two people out of the large household had thought of her as they moved in and out of the room seeing to it that the former master was taken care of in a manner befitting his position. The first gave her a box telling her that it held Akira's soul and he would always be nearby.
The second gave her something far more dangerous in that it was full of living words that would shape Akito's mind and the way she related to the people and the world around her. The child knew it was something forbidden by the way the maid pulled her into her room and looked around before closing the door and pressing the book into her small hands. The old woman then removed the necklace that had been hidden in the recesses of her sagging bosom and placed it over the child's head. The weight of the chain hung heavily on her shoulders while the coolness of the cross burned against her belly.
"This is something that has helped me through many a hard time. I only hope it can bring you a portion of the comfort it has brought me," the old lady whispered while instructing Akito to keep them hidden lest they be taken from her.
There were many things in this book that fascinated Akito. Things that had not only brought her comfort, but justification and confusion over the actions of her daily life. She had always known that women were evil. She had only to look at the person who delivered her into this world to know that. The book told her that the world was a perfect and peaceful place until woman was introduced. She undermined God by committing the original sin of separating man from his rightful place at God's side.
It was then that Akito realized the truth of what was written in that worn leather bound book. She had seen this many times in her life: her mother creating a wall between her and her father, Kana manipulating Hatori to the point that he was almost unrecognizable, Isuzu beguiling Hatsuharu with her lascivious movements like Salome with her dance, Kisa tempting Hiro like the fool and the prostitute, the idol prophet at Shigure's house charming all the Jyuunishi into believing a false future like Saul and the Witch of Endor. Women were evil and the source of destruction like the book said. They could not be trusted and must be chastised with a heavy hand.
The book also said that the one true and rightful God was born among men and came to earth to save his people. He too had died and risen as proof of his supremacy. This resurrection gave credence to Akito's belief that she must indeed be the one true God:
"He died only once and people worship him as their savior so my position is uncompromising. I've died and been reborn several times for hundreds of years. Who is he if not an amateur? They've all been waiting for me. I'm the one who has gathered the Jyuunishi. All 12 are my disciples who worship and adore me. I even have one more if I include the worthless cat, but then again he had lepers too. The strength of my power is within the annunciation and foretelling of my birth. They ran to her because of me. It is because of my greatness that they are all here under one generation coexisting in a way that has not been done since the beginning. People rejoiced at his birth after he could be seen and heard. People rejoiced at my conception; faithful in the knowledge that the seed of my soul was planted and I would be the one to unite them all."
Although it sometimes confused her, she liked to read the book every night especially when Shigure or Kureno lay beside her. There should be no sex outside marriage, but clearly God had no wife, only a son so apparently that rule didn't apply to Gods. You should not sleep with someone who has had your mother the book said, but Shigure has been hers all along. That woman is not someone fit to be called anything resembling a mother even if she did give birth. They both had shared his body, but the body in question belonged to her. So was it really wrong that she claimed it once more?
You should not have sex with your father. That was not an issue since Akira was dead and buried, but Kureno is the only one who makes her feel the same safety and security. Joseph was not Jesus's biological father, but he was the one who cared for him and so he was recognized as his son. In this sense could Kureno be her father and might they be doing something wrong? If Jesus were a girl perhaps the book would have been clearer on what you can and can't do in these types of situations.
Both Shigure and Kureno and the rest of the Jyuunishi are a part of her so is what she is doing truly fornication or some highly evolved form of masturbation? She knew that there should be no other God before them and so it was only right that they worship at her temple whenever and however she demanded.
However, she was truly glad that both Ayame and Hatori had refused the pleasures she offered them and now fully understood why they had done so. When she was sick it was Hatori who brought her medicine and ensured she was comfortable. He often read to her while he nursed her back to health. It was Ayame who made her tea and fussed over her; telling her stories to keep her entertained as he brushed her hair or lovingly trimmed it. It was Ayame who tailored all of her clothes so that they fit perfectly; never too tight or constricting as they hid her dirty pillows.
It was only after reading her book and learning what a mother, a real mother, does for her child that she realized she was more blessed than most in that she had two mothers who loved her dearly and bestowed upon her the fruits of their gifts and talents. It is a common fact that the carnal knowledge she shares with Shigure and Kureno should never be shared with her mothers. For that reason Ayame and Hatori will never worship inside the passageway of her temple.
"This God also knows the pain of betrayal," she thought as she lay motionless on the floor. One of her most favored angels and her beloved servant left her in favor of the wickedness she had tried to suppress. The devil always goes for your weak point so when she found that vile creature of a whore in her closet grasping her precious box she knew she must take immediate action and force the interloper away.
"Get behind me Satan" or so the book said, but she was too smart to put her enemy in a position to attack. Instead Akito dragged the demon to the Neko Room at the back of the compound with her own hands. It was days before she realized her mistake -- the hair. It had strength in its hair so she grabbed the scissors to excise the source of the demon's strength and strip it of its crown and glory.
Too late she realized the strength of Isuzu's seduction. Her brilliant and most interesting angel, the one with the most anger and vengeance, lashed out against her instead of the ones who dared mock the black and white mark of the Jyuunishi. He stormed into her chambers striking a blow deep within her heart forcing her to realize that she should have shaved the Jezebel bald. Only then would she have had a chance to combat the power of the dirty pillows and the accompanying fornication and possibly restore her angel to a pristine state.
The defection of Hatsuharu hurt almost as much as the loss if her brightest, most beautiful, and supreme favorite, Yuki; her very own Morningstar. Like Lucifer before him, there had been no provocation or warning of the chaos that was to ensue. She expected him to refuse Shigure's offer to come live with him, but he had not. He left willingly creating a void that was surely worse than the one God felt when casting his beloved into the pit. Yuki jumped, Satan was thrown. Lucifer did not go willingly from his lord's presence, but was forced. Yuki walked quickly and did not look back.
She imagined that Jesus had felt the same pain after Judas sold him to the soldiers in the Garden of Gethsemane that she did when Kureno instructed her angel where to find the temptress; telling him to take her and never return. Judas recognized his error, and punished himself, something Kureno would never do. In his tainted eyes, it was his God and not he who was wrong. Only divine justice could punish him adequately and divine justice he would receive.
It was ironic that Peter would deny his lord 3 times before the cock crowed and died like a dog upside down on the cross as it was her cock and dog that openly defied her. In the days following the demon whore's release, Shigure, who had previously been her rock and one of the few constants in her life, disappointed her the most. With each visit he only brought harsh words and pain as if to test her worthiness before offering himself as a sacrifice. He never made that sacrifice and continued to deny her. Each visit he was more cruel than the last. Neither of her bedmates could fill the empty ache inside her and neither of them tried. Strangely it took the wicked one who bore her barging in with a knife to snap her fugue and return to her to her birth appointed state.
Her blond haired cherub had even abandoned her to the false god they call freedom. Neither her pleas, nor her tears could hold him as he took a vow of silence before shutting the door in her face. One by one her flock was leaving. She had considered herself a good shepherd, looking out for the Jyuunishi making sure their allowance was paid and they danced to celebrate the passing of each year, but one by one they all left her including her lamb. She lost her lamb and made no effort to find it, instead she went searching for the smiling wolf that threatened to devour it.
"This is what he must have felt like when he made the flood," she thought clutching the knife and stumbling blindly through the streets as she finally unleashed her tears.
Author's Notes: Much thanks to Stephen King and Carrie without whom the "dirty pillows" would never have come about and to my wonderful beta readers Lunaticneko and Boopy1014.