Cloud vs Pokemon 2 : The Pokemon Strike Back
After ridding the world of Pokemon, our fun loving, evil killing (and yes Pokemon ARE evil) happy chappies of the FF7 crew (well just Cloud, Tifa and Barrett, as Cid, Red and Cait Sith seem to have buggered off somewhere and the less said about Vincent and Yuffie the better) are contemplating how great they are:
Cloud: We rule……………
Tifa and Barrett: ……………Yeah……………..
Suddenly the TV starts making noises, or more commonly known as turning itself on. It's the news.
Newsreader: "…….In our completely unrelated, who could care less news section, it seems those freaky rat like minions of the anti Christ are back. Yes Pokemon are here again with a whole new 100 abnormally named monsters with which to threaten mankind……….."
There is a pause until everyone realises the situation:
All: (slap their hands to their faces a la Home Alone) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!
Gradually the screams die down, leaving an awkward silence. Cloud looks around shrugs, puts his feet up and gets comfy:
Cloud: So whaddya guys wanna do now?
Barrett: Hmm……………maybe pizza………..
Tifa: Erm, shouldn't we be doing something about the whole pending Pokemon apocalypse?
Cloud: Damn woman, all you do is tell me what to do!! Every single day! Well I've had enough!! I'm not gonna take this communist garbage anymore!!! AAAHH!! Screw the system, screw everyone and screw you, Tifa!!
Tifa: Now Cloud, remember we already did that……..
(A/N: I'm sorry that was just low………………..)
Cloud: Oh yeah……….Anyway, Vive Le Cloud!! (runs around like a headless chicken)
Cloud starts for the door until Tifa grabs his hair, slams his to the floor, and threatens to restyle his hair in a freakingly flat and dare I say normal hairstyle)
Cloud: Ok fine, I'll be good……….
Suddenly Sephiroth, who has somehow been bought back to life – (oh come on I never have to explain stuff do I?) – bursts through the door………………….whimpering like an ickle girly. He runs to Cloud and………….begins to kiss his feet………….(Very Son Of Jenova –ery Sephy…nice one)
Sephy: You gotta save me (sniff) pllleeeeeeeeeasssse. I'll be your bestest friend and we can just forget the whole taking over the world thing. Pllllllllease you gotta save me from the poke –eeeeeeeee – mon.
Cloud: (liking this power over the coolest villain in a video game……….you know its true) Well, I dunno…………….
Tifa: Oh Cloud will you grow up? It's obvious that these new Pokemon have been genetically modified to have ultimate mind control power by none other than our freaked out scientist buddy Hojo and have used this power to brain neuter the greatest villain to walk the planet here. (And again you know it's true) And the only way to defeat them and avert the ending of the world (again……..how come they always leave it up to Cloud and chums) is to crush and destroy every single one of them (Takes a deeeeeeeeep breath)
There is complete silence. Cloud looks at Tifa with a veeeeeeeeery blank look, as his stupidity becomes evident.
Cloud: Oookkkkaaaaayyyy…………………………….
He then kicks Sephy in the stomach and dropkicks him into the wall, thus killing him in a rather gruesome manner.
Cloud: Wow….that was easy…..
Suddenly, the author realises that Barrett hasn't said anything in a while and:
Barrett: Ok, Tifa, you do know that you have just told the entire intended storyline of this fic in 5 lines.
Tifa: Oh…whoops.
(Me: Crap……* scrambles to think of a plot * )
Cloud sneaks up to the author and whispers: How about we just go around killing all the new Pokemon, thus saying the world and making me a hero, cos I actually think my hero status is kinda wearing off…..Plus there's lots of senseless violence for no reason.
Me: WHAT?!! That sucks! I mean really Cloud you have sunk to a new low……Oh what the hell just do it anyway.
Cloud: Yay!! It's Pokemon killing time!! (does a jolly little jig) – that is until Barrett knocks him out for acting like an asshole.
When Cloud awoke he found that our merry little group has arrived a ermm…….come on think of a place……erm…The Chocobo Farm.
Cloud: Awww maannn, I'm soooooooo hungry!! (he looks around for something to eat and spies an unhatched Togepi egg) Hmm…..eggs……
(Me: Ok that's just mean……….but Togepi is incredibly annoying………..)
Ok, so we're at The Chocobo Farm, but it seems all the chocobos have been replaced with……(pause for dramatic tension) Pokemon!!
Reader: Well, what else would I be, flying ponies? Dumbass.
Me: Point taken……….although flying ponies would be interesting…….erm back to the plot.
Cloud, Tifa and Barrett all readied their weapons to take on the might of the Pokemon army (yeah I know all by themselves…… I mean really).
That is until Choco Billy nicks Cloud's Summon Chocobo and Moggle materia and summons Fat Chocobo which wipes out all the Pokemon in one neat little package.
Barrett: Well that was unexpected……
Choco Billy: Yay!! I saved the world!! I'm a hero!! In your face Cloud!! Hahahaha………
Cloud scowls, picks up Choco Billy and dropkicks him into oblivion, this taking all the credit.
After slaying all the Pokemon in know existence and flushing all that crap merchandise down the toilet (I mean cereal!! What were they thinking?!!) and believe me it took a lot of toilets, our heros survey the scene of tranquilty until Barrett whips out a mini TV. Digimon is on.
Tifa: Oooo Digimon!! They are sooooooooo sweet!!
Cloud: Lets all bask in the digital monster goodness…………….
Barrett: (does that shifty eye thing) Hehehe my evil plan is finally coming into play……mwwahhhahahaha (evil laugh)
The End