A/N: I do not own a thing in this stroy (except the creative idea!), all those gorgeous character belong to BioWare and EA (though I really, really wished to ... ahem... own some of them!)
I know, this chapter is super-weird, but do not fear :D I do intend to use this motive once more, but from another characters POV later.

Prologue

She was floating.

Somewhere between the terrible sound, that reminded her of shrieking Banshee, exploding tanks and thunder of the gunfire, she was floating on the wave of deafennig silence. Her head was light, her mind slightly clouded by the sweet feeling of forgetting something… important.

No pain, no fear, just river of air she was flowing in with unusual ease.

So - she was floating , and the distance between her and her conscious mind was starting to grow bigger and bigger. But – as it happened once – she didn´t mind. She was there once. Struggling for life, for every breath, defiant, not prepared for the blackness of the space around her.

The same pitch black she saw right now around her.

Hey, turn the lights on!

There was a painful thud, and someone screamed. Far far away from her. Was it so far?

„Carefully!"

The air around her stopped for a second. Colors swirling like crazy moved back and forth, making her stomach nervous, then disappeared. She heard the static sound of fading biotics somewhere near her, and the floating-like feeling disappeared. She frowned in disapproval. Her mind started to return to slightly clearer state, showing flashbacks of things she didn´t want to see.

She event might start to whine a bit, she thought. Perhaps the visions will go away!

Someone breathed heavily, but not her, she concluded. It was someone she knew, because the distance between them – which wasn´t that large, as she thought – didn´t scare her.

Painful sigh, exhale, inhale…

Smell of something, that tastes like iron, bitter. Blood, perhaps. Blood all around.

„You injured! C´mon, I´ll carry her! Take a rest!"

Static sound of biotic powers coming to life. Smell of burning oxygen, how well did she knew it! Sharp, pinching scream full of anger:„The fuck… Look at the state she´s in! You´ll do more damage with that hands of yours! I can… fuck, owww! I can handle!"

Jack? Is that you? Swearing again? What would your students… Oh, nevermind…

Air moved again. Big, tough, smelled like oil and sweat and blood. Spicy and bitter at the same time. She smiled. How she learned to know that smell.

James Vega… the big, good soldier-boy.

„You sure? Allright… Not far from here, I can see the rest of the Hammer convoy! Go, I´ll cover you!"

Gunfire stopped for a second, but returned like a clashing storm on the sea. She never saw a storm on the sea. A small smile appeared on her lips. Why do people tell things like that, when they never actually experienced them, she wondered.

Air moving, smell of dirt, something burning, ashes and smoke all around her. And then bright lihgts and many voices screaming, echoing her mind, tearing it appart. The sound of raging battle was forgotten at the instant, when she heard first pleas for mercy, no pain, for relief. She knew, she was not moving anymore, not floating. Crazy colors vere gone, so was the smell of oil. Her whole body stopped moving, and she was bathed in the white light, painfully bright for her mind. Something known, but yet alien was present, and it was scaring her.

„Where did you found her?"

Commanding voice, but soft enough to belong to a woman. Panicking a bit, and not even trying to hide it, like she always used to.

Black eyes… she remembered black eyes watching her closely, hollow like deep dark holes she would be drown in. Screeching mouth opened so wide the jaws would dislocate.

„While looking for the rest of the Hammer convoy. She was burried in the remnants of Citadel, I believe."

Blue swirling like mist around the new exploding Nova. Made her head ache more. She would like to move away from that unnatural color, but for some reason, she couldn´t move an inch.

„Goddess…"

There was a shot of pain trough her spine, and then a scream echoing her mind. It was her own voice, she realized, amazed.

„Though woman, she is!"

The blue returned, driving her almost crazy with fear. Touching her forehead, cold, strange hands…

„I don´t see many burns, but the body is in bad shape!"

Blue is poisonous!

Blue is the color of turian blood!

Blue is the blood on her hands, while someone is screaming for doctor…

„She´ll be there in the minute, calm down! We called for her at the instant!"

„I´ll kill that cheerleader bitch, if she won´t make it!"

Rage is red, rage is painfull, can hurt people around. Rage tastes like raw biotic.

„LT, take her to the meds! That wound on her forehead doesn´t look good!"

„I´m fuckin´ fine!"

Sound of huffing, brawling, and the a resigned sigh: „Lemme go, big boy! I can walk…"

Crazy colors, soft and caring, back at her side. Touching her with unusual tenderness. Voice whispering to her ear: „You! Survive! Don´t you fuckin´dare…"

It was gone in the minute, and she missed it immediately. The sound of it was sweeter, than that terribly annoying bug in her left ear, scrieching like hell, making her head explode. As the sound escalated, she wanted to reach that damned insect, to smash it, but her hands didn´t obey.

„Lawson!"

Miranda?

„Couldn´t get here sooner! God, she´s in worse state, than I expected!"

„She was hit by the reaper beam to begin with!"

„No burned skin on the torso? That´s good."

There was that terrible pain again. She felt like in fire, her spine not responding right, her hands too far away from her. And yet, there was that cold feeling deep inside her, like something was leaving her. She gasped several times, but her lungs were too small to do that simple task.

Her desperate lack of air was interrupted by a high pinched beeping sound, that carved its way trough her head right into her brain. She screamed again.

„The scans are good! The spine´s intact, the armor protected it. One ribb punctured right lung - take that armor off, before she stops breathing!"

She was burning again, gasping for air, muscles aching. Someone was screaming – she was screaming! Thrown into space againg, watching the Normandy explode, falling down at the speed of light, clutching the fists in agony of the ceratinity… that terrible certainity, that she won´t make it.

She´ll be alone in the space again, watching her crew leave…

„We´re loosing her!"

Screams, pain, burning sensation creawling under her skin…

„There are several internal bleedings… Can´t get to the bullets in her stomach… Fetch the medi-gel! NOW!

„That armor! Do it!"

„Where does the blood come from?"

„The armor! Vega! NOW!

Cold, freezing… down the spine trough her legs… panicking… gasping… alone in the dark.

„Where am I?"

She was lying on something she believed to be a stone, covered in white blanket. The echo of her voice returned several times to her. There was nothing but the darkness around her. She felt like being trapped in some kind of cave. Left to die.

„Must not speak. Facial structure severaly damaged, broken jaw, skin on the cheek burned. Need to repair that first."

She turned her head and opened eyes widly. „Mordin," she exclaimed. She would hugg him, but still, her hands were not obeying her. She was even not able to sit.

Salarian doctor shook his head and smiled. „Commander," he said softly. „Not looking good. In fact, terribly."

„Now thank you," she pouted.

„No speaking," he warned her. „Don´t move!" He bowed down to her, waved his hand as the omni-tool came to life, showing her lifesigns.

„Several internal bleedings, pierced lung, broken ribbs. Spine intact. Armor protected the torso, good, good. Broken legs, both. Fractured left femur. Need to open that."

„Why are you here?" she asked.

He put finger over her lips, to stop any further unnecessary talk. „Severe concussion, open wounds on back of the head. How about the eyesight?"

„My left eye… something is wrong with it."

„Several ruptured veins, ocular preassure slightly higer than normal. Will be fine."

She smiled. „You are a sight for sore yes, Mordin," she chuckled.

„Very disobedient patient. As usual."

She would shook her head, but even such simple task was met with failure. So she just stared at him defiantly, green eyes flickering with laugh. „Always was, always…" her breath hissed between her teeth, when she desperately gasped for another breath. Her whole body wrenched in pain, and from some distance, she could hear screaming. Voices, she could barely recognize, arguing.

There was another shot of pain – electric discharge hit the hearth, and she gasped again, fists clutched tight, so she would not start to scream.

The realization hit her hard as some well-aimed right hook.

„I´m dead!" she screamed in panic.

„Hush! Not now, not again," he explained. „The heart rate is too low, body gives up." He smiled, no, grinned, and pointed his finger on her. „Do you give up, Shepard?"

There was silence – just for a minute. It was enough for her to realize… Screaming voices; Miranda, Liara, very low growl of disapproval, which belonged to James.

Don´t you give up, Shepard!

She could be old, deaf, broken on her knees or dying, but she knew that voice. Sweet, electrifying voice, that made her shiver just by listening to it.

Don´t you give up on me! You said, it´s not goodbye! Remeber?

„We´ll live off the royalties of the vids," she sobbed, eyes all teary.

Mordin smiled: „Do you give up?"

Faint smile ran across her face. Give up? Nobody expected, that great Commander Shepard will give up. But she was so very tired. „I can´t… fight anymore," she whispered finally. „All I do is running, and brawling, and taking care of the whole world. And I can´t… even stand…

I was tired before we hit Earth. I was tired, when every man and woman looked at me with hope…"

„The Galaxy needs you. Work not finished!"

There were tears falling down her cheeks. After all, she was only a mere human. One very scared, very jaded woman. She was not Commander anymore. Just her. Commander did not waver, but she… she could cry the river.

„The Galaxy always needs their Shepards," she groaned. „But I want to retire! I´m done helping everyone else! Not convincing me with that!"

„Need more convincing?" Mordin crossed his arms and shook head. „Hmm, hmm… Turians only mate for life. Trauma caused by tragic loss of partner may lead to slow death of the surviving mate."

She bursted in tears: „You´re not convincing me! It´s blackmail!"

„Does it help?" he asked cusiously, while wiping her tears of the cheeks. She noded.

„It does," she admitted embarrassed.

Another pain, another electric discharge, and she felt like fading. „Mordin!" She wanted to catch his hand, but failed. She felt so helpless, she could scream in frustration.

We´re back! Come on, Shepard! Orbital bombardment and flight trough the athmosphere can´t stop you!

„You must go! Work not done! Your crew needs you!" Salarian stated.

„But why you?"

„Had to be me," he smiled. „My patient, my responsibility." He took her hand into his, wide smile on his face: „Someone else might have done it wrong."

„Mordin, I am…"

„I´m not! Now go. World needs his Shepard."

„But…"

Wake up! C´mon!

Don´t give up.

„Wake up!"