The Night Port Went Crazy

The day was waning, and Peter Port held court in his classroom. This day was peculiar in the sense that he was teaching at night.

That meant all the students were restless. They all fidgeted in their seats, not even giving the effort of paying attention.

"…but I wasn't finished yet! With a sharp twist of my well-toned body, I delivered a devastating blow to the Ursa's…."

Yawns serenaded the room. If tiredness was a currency, then Peter Port would have a gold mine.

But instead, all he had was a group of students who had fallen asleep on him.

Professor Port had had enough.

His fists clenched.

His mustache twitched.

His eyebrows wiggled.

His hair grayed.

And his sense of murder spiked.

Basically, Peter Port snapped.

For the first time in his life, Port cut off his story. He stopped speaking in the middle of a sentence and waited.

Thirty seconds later, a student muttered, "Hey, did he call on one of us?"

"LISTEN UP Y'ALL BITCHES!" screamed the slightly irate professor. "THIS IS THE LAST TIME PETER MUTHAFUCKIN' PORT GETS IGNORED DURING HIS STORIES!"

"Woah, Port forgot to take his pills this morning," Cardin joked.

"ROOAAAAARRR!" Peter Port launched himself at Cardin, and ripped his head off with his hands.

It was at that precise moment, when Nora Valkyrie whispered, "Oh shit, that is hot."

And Yang finally woke up. Not because of the screaming kids, but as she rolled out of her seat.

Professor Port noticed this, as he was pretty damn near omnipotent. He punched Yang with his god-like fists of justice.

Barely managing to stay standing, Yang activated her semblance. Fires blazing, she punched Port as hard as she could.

The teacher was launched into a wall. But what Ms. Xiao Long did not know, was that this was Peter Port's plan from the start. The man was a fucking OG baller.

His weapon fell off its mantle, landing right next to Peter Fucking Port. He picked up this unnamed Blunderbuss. In a moment of clarity, he sighed, "Why can't I get a cool weapon name and semblance? Am I not important to the plot? I've got five minutes of screen time!"

The clarity was shattered by a shot from Crescent Rose. Peter Port's fury rekindled, and he jumped across the room like Batman. The teacher cut Ruby Rose in half with enough force that he would get offered the option to teach Physics.

Professor Port would refuse. Physics is for little shits who don't have a blunderbuss.

Not minding the blood, Port flipped the axe around to the gun half. Because everything is a goddamn gun.

Except for Jaune's weapon. Peter shot his head off for that offense.

This of course, set Pyrrha Nikkos into a mad frenzy.

Contrary to what seemed to be the pattern, Professor Port only delivered a whack to the side of her head, knocking her out.

"And that, students, is what happens when you pay attention," Port smiled.

"You blind, old man?" Yang taunted. "She only pretended to pay attention!"

"Oh." The godly professor sunk his teeth into her neck. She died. "AGAIN! OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH FUCK YOU PYRRHA YOU'RE FUCKING DONE GTFO YOU WERE A BORING JAUNESEXUAL CHARACTER!" Port cried. Students covered their ears, for they knew he spoke the truth.

Professor Ozpin walked in, and then walked out saying, "Nope. I'm done. I don't get paid enough for this."

Firing his Blunderbuss more times than it had ammo, Peter Fucking Port killed all the students. His classroom became a blood orgy.

He smiled.

Now they would all listen to his stories.

"Let me tell you about that time with the two Deathstalkers…"

Author Notes: I'm not sorry.