Epiphany
Summary: Carly isn't Mikaela. He knows that but apparently, he's never accepted it as well as he thought he had. DoTM spoilers
He's standing there watching Optimus leave hoping beyond reason that the Decepticon on his wrist will allow him to remain silent. He cringes as it sends waves of fire throughout his nervous system and… and he's doing this to save Carly. He's doing this because he lo—cares for her and she wouldn't have ever been in this situation if it hadn't been for him and his need to be seen as more than a necessary burden. Staring up at Optimus' dull blue optics he wonders for a moment if the mech knows why he's asking questions about things he's never bothered to ask about before. He doesn't know if its maybe just wishful thinking but he wants to believe that Optimus is offering him absolution through the gaze that meets his own and he's never realized until this moment that he wants nothing more than for the mech to give him forgiveness for his betrayal. Why is he doing this he wonders, knowing that the Decepticons have planned this far too well and for longer than he wants to think about? When did things change so much that he would betray his friends (his family, if he was going to be honest with himself) for a girl he'd known for only a fraction of the time that he'd known them?
"You can tell me. No other human will ever know."
He thinks that maybe Optimus has figured out what he was trying to tell him because the mech's normally expressive faceplates are now unreadable. His face shows the strain he's under and inside he's begging—pleading with any God out there that will listen to him. He knows that by doing this as he has that he's in essence betrayed Carly and if he wants to be honest, then he'll admit that he's condemned them both to death because the Decepticons aren't stupid. Even if most of them would miss the subtle nuances of human speech he's heard that there those within the Decepticon army that used to be something more than warriors before they were swayed into joining Megatron. Oh God (Primus, someone!) please don't let this all be for nothing. Please let Optimus understand what he's trying so hard to say without really saying it.
"You know we'd never be able to live with ourselves if we just do what they want."
Why, oh why, has his mouth never learned to get permission from his brain before speaking? Even going with the theory that the 'Cons are all glitched into stupidity, he doesn't think that stupidity will save him this time. Mikaela is going to kill him—but Carly isn't Mikaela, he reminds himself with a fierceness that still surprises him because he's not used to feeling something so harsh. Carly stayed with him when Mikaela left so the least he can do is to remember her and forget Mikaela. Nevertheless, his mind is full of memories that leave his chest aching and his throat swollen. Mikaela would never have gotten into the situation that's lead him to this point he's at now. She wouldn't have ever been kidnapped because she was really (scarily, his mind insists) good at being the rescuer. She'd been by his side since the beginning of it all, but after her father was hurt (and oh god, that was his fault—his fault and he'll never ever be able to fix it) because of an attack meant for him from people who put 2 and 2 together and realized that the sum was 4 no matter what the government said, she'd done the right thing for her family and left him.
It was the right thing for her family but never for them. He's never wanted someone by his side as much as he wants her. He looks up with eyes glistening from unshed tears and leans forward to press his hand against Bee's faceplates. Optimus is gone but he's not sure he cares about that as much as he cares about the fact that when Bee leaves he's going to be alone. So, so alone and he knows that Carly will never be able to fill the void left behind by Bee and Mikaela. No one can. Then Bee is gone and oh god, it hurts—it hurts so badly and why don't they ever mention this kind of stuff in school? He thinks that learning about the pain of having your heart ripped out is more important than learning stupid mathematical equations that he's never going to remember after he's received his diploma. Kneeling he bows his head and biting down on his lip to keep from screaming he tries to keep the tears from falling because if Bee can say goodbye without falling apart then so can he.
"Years from now, they're gonna ask us: Where were you when they took over the planet? And we're gonna say we just stood there and watched."
"Dead men don't get asked questions like that."
"Is that what you think we are kid? Dead men?"
"We're gonna die, Simmons." He says with a weary sense of fatalism that doesn't suit him but he's learned that sometimes you have to accept death before you can really learn to fight. "We're too close to the Autobots for Megatron and Sentinel to let us live. I don't know about you but I'll be fighting when I die."
Simmons stares at him for a long time and he doesn't know what the former intelligence agent sees that he hasn't hidden well enough but the man nods and grins at him. "Yeah. Goin' down fightin' sounds good."
What feels like hours later (and in reality is maybe twenty minutes) he's sitting outside with his legs dangling over the edge of the perch he's chosen, watching as the shuttle carrying the Autobots launches. This wasn't the good bye he wanted. He'd planned to live until he was an old man with a cane yelling at the grandkids for running on his lawn with Mikaela by his side. He'd wanted to stay with Bee until the night came where he went to sleep and didn't wake up in the morning because his body was just too old to keep going. He'd wanted, planned and in the end, nothing was as he'd imagined it to be. Smiling sadly as he watches the shuttle soar up into the sky he finds himself hoping that his friends find the peace they so deserve. His chest swells with a bittersweet feeling and his eyes grow moist as he says his goodbyes. A glint in the sky catches his eye and he turns to stare at the rapidly approaching objects with a feeling of dread growing in the pit of his stomach. He's still watching seconds later when the shuttle explodes in a flash of flame and smoke.
Eyes cold and hands fisted tightly on his lap he watches as the pieces of the shuttle (his friends and Bee—dear god, Bee) fall back to Earth. He couldn't protect Mikaela. He couldn't save Carly. He couldn't stop his own betrayal. He couldn't do a damn thing about anything and if he's going to die anyway he might as well die trying to do something right. Seconds later his phone rings. When he hangs up, he realizes that this is why normal everyday people are capable of picking up weapons and fighting back. Hopping down from his perch, he turns around and heads back inside looking for Simmons and Dutch.
Parts taken from pages 221/222 of the DoTM novel and of course some little bits and pieces of the movie. This was written the night I saw the movie (which sadly was only opening night as I couldn't justify seeing it in the theater again) but I forgot about it once I saved it and shut my laptop down. As per usual, I hope you enjoyed reading!