"On that day, humanity received a grim reminder... that alcohol was not the answer."

Captain Levi pulled himself up from a pile of empty bottles, lamenting at the mistakes he had made in his life, swearing not to drink again. Well, swearing not to drink this week, anyway.

"This is some bullcrap," he grumbled. "I can't even get drunk and I still feel like I've been shit out by a Titan every morning after."

Levi had to wince and hold his head as the door was suddenly slammed open with great force as Hange Zoë stepped into the room.

"Morning, Team Levi~!" the Squad Leader greeted in their usual overenthusiastic style. "Wasn't last night great?! Whoo! Hey, I went out to get some breakfast ingredients, anyone care to cook? 'Cause you probably don't want what I usually eat. Should I call in Moblit to cook? 'Cause he'll do it, no problem~! I mean, he was pretty wasted last night, but still..."

"If anyone has a cannon, shoot 'em at Squad Leader Zoë, please," Levi groaned. "Seriously, Hange was crawling on the ground and singing polka last night – what gives here?!"

The other members of Team Levi were also slowly waking up, all either hung over or extremely hung over. Eld was yawning and scratching his beard, but soon closed his mouth in fear of throwing up. Petra's hair was pointing in every direction and just the thought of doing anything seemed to cause her an intense headache. Gunther was trying to find his commander while also greatly struggling to open his eyes.

"Permission to die, Captain?" he muttered.

"Denied," Levi muttered. "And don't joke about that again – it doesn't suit you. Speaking of stupid jokes, where's Oluo?"

"He's been assigned to a different town," Petra mumbled.

"Good," Levi could only say.

"Whoa is that the time?!" Petra gasped as she looked at the clock. "This joint has to be open in an hour and I haven't done anything!"

"I'll help you~!" Hange offered. "But the first thing we gotta do is make sure all of you look presentable! Oh, well, Levi, you don't have to bother. It'd take way too much effort."

"...ck you..."

"Sorry, didn't hear that~!" Hange said cheerfully, walked over to Petra and grabbed her by the arm. "Come on, time to get to work! I'll get Moblit to help us too, he lives nearby. Though I swear, he needs to cut down a little. Why do you think he drinks so much, anyway?"

"Well, I have some idea," Petra said quietly as Hange dragged her away. "Also you're – ow – hurting my arm!"

Levi, Gunther and Eld looked like they were ready to bring their swords at Hange and even the normally kind Petra looked irritated.

OUR WORST ENEMY

INTRODUCTION

"Year 850. Since the fall of Wall Maria, the amount of Titan encounters has decreased dramatically. For the past year, even the Survey Corps have failed to find any during their expeditions. Humanity still lives in fear of the Titans and have refused to move away from the confines of walls Rose and Sina. The Survey Corps' approval has plummeted deeper than ever before in the eyes of the public and even the other branches of the military, with many fearing that humanity's Wings of Freedom will be cut entirely."

"But as criminal activity within the Walls rises dramatically, Commander Erwin Smith devises a plan to make sure the Survey Corps survive. With the corruption and incompetence of the Military Police Brigade becoming increasingly apparent, Erwin has reorganized the Survey Corps to fight this crime surge, particularly that caused by a mysterious organization whose very existence may be even more dangerous to humanity than the Titans ever will."

"The best the Survey Corps has to offer have now undertaken the riskiest mission of their careers: they have infiltrated this organization and aim to bring it down from within, ending organized crime within the walls and exposing the extent of the Military Police Brigade's corruption."

"Their plan to do this: operate from an underground punk rock café slash bar slash tea shop in the Trost district, which has become a frequent hangout for members of this organization."

"Well, I never said all this made sense, so just roll with it!"

"Anyway, after graduation, I joined the Survey Corps along with my friends Eren and Mikasa. With the Military Police's name having been badly tarnished recently, there was a surprising amount of people joining the branch often nicknamed 'Survey Corpses' and other flattering things, even from the top 10 graduates."

"This is how it went for us."

~o~O~o~

The shop had been open for twenty minutes and the first customers of the morning had already arrived, a few people grabbing some of the famous tea before work and others going there because they had no other place to go. Business went as usual until a tall blonde-haired man with bushy eyebrows entered.

Petra gave Gunther a meaningful look. Gunther nodded and immediately filled in for Petra, who led Erwin into the bar's kitchen. Levi was there attempting to make himself a drink that would get rid of his hangover, but it wasn't helped by Hange's constant chatter and attempts to correct Levi's pitiful attempts at cooking.

"He's here," Petra told Levi and Hange.

Levi was immediately annoyed at the sight of Erwin being all prim, proper and well-dressed this early in the morning, even though he joined the others in last night's drinking.

Why does he get to succeed in life? Levi thought bitterly.

"Erwin," Levi told him plainly, and Erwin nodded in acknowledgment.

"Did you secure the meeting?" Hange asked eagerly. "Is Arnoux going to come?"

"He and his goons are all coming here tonight," Erwin said calmly. "But that's not even the most important announcement I have for you."

"You mean you have something for us besides wining and dining those assholes?" Levi asked with scorn. "Seriously, Erwin, you have us run a bar and for once don't send us right into the mouths of Titans, and we don't even get to enjoy any free time here?"

"Captain, you should really hear him out," Petra said.

"Yeah, I mean, you'd just spend your time cleaning the place again or something," Hange reminded.

Petra held back laughter while Levi could only answer with an annoyed 'tch'. Erwin quickly put the conversation back on track.

"We have some gifted recruits coming in this year," he said. "All but one of the 104th Trainees Squad's top ten had decided to join the Survey Corps after a 'particularly suicidal loud-mouthed kid' made a motivating speech to them. I've scouted out the best of that squad to join our operation."

"A babysitting job," Levi sighed. "Wonderful. Do we really need to waste time with this? If that scumbag is coming here tonight, we could easily rub him out."

"We could," Erwin said casually, "but his goons are a different story. If a fight would break out, there would be a lot of unnecessary deaths. You wouldn't like that, would you, Levi?"

Levi just nodded curtly.

"Besides," Petra said, "even if we cut down the leader here and now, he has other people running operations for him. Eventually a new Arnoux would rise from their ranks and we'd be in the same situation."

"I know, I know," Levi sighed and rubbed his temples. "Seriously, are you all here just to disagree with or sass me?"

"Not at all," Erwin said and opened the case he had been carrying, shoving Levi a stack of papers. "Here are the files collected from the people who we want in on this. They'll all move into the apartments near here. We'll give them fake jobs and keep most of them in reserve in case, while picking a couple to join us in infiltrating the organization. You'll get to choose who. We'll feed them some story about what we're doing, but you can tell the truth at your own discretion."

Levi didn't seem to be listening, as he was busy organizing and evening out the wrinkled papers Erwin had passed him. Erwin trusted that Levi had it, though, and turned to leave.

"Excuse me," he just said.

"Erwin," Levi told him suddenly.

Erwin stopped at the kitchen door.

"Like Petra said, we need to know everything about their operations before we make any big moves against them," Levi said while glaring at Erwin. "But at this rate, it may take months, even years. Meanwhile, we're putting soldiers into danger, and some will die. You have to make sure it's not for nothing."

Erwin's answer was noncommittal, but reassured Levi for now: "Of course. I'll expect you to see the recruits this afternoon."

And with that, he left.

"Those eyebrows are crazy!" Hange remarked to break the silence that ensued. "It's like they have a mind of their own!"

~o~O~o~

Later, Levi had put on his military uniform and leaned against a pillar while listening to Heike Lorenz lecturing the new recruits. Being his size, no one paid him much attention, allowing him to observe the recruits in peace. Lorenz was, at the moment, the 'public face' of the Survey Corps. In order to make sure they could carry out their undercover operations, Erwin, Levi and other members of the Survey Corps could not be known to anyone besides high-ranking members of the military. Levi's reputation in the underground had carried their operations so far, but even then there whispers among the lower echelons of the military about the 'soldier who was worth an entire brigade' when it came to killing Titans.

There were a little over twenty people joining the Survey Corps this time, more than Levi had been expecting. As most of them were assigned elsewhere, eleven people remained, having been the ones hand-picked by Erwin.

Lorenz began announcing their names, Levi making sure to read their reactions to see who was who – and had to come up with a nickname for them in his mind, having no time or interest to remember their names otherwise:

"Reiner Braun!"

Big, armored bear, Levi thought as the tall, buff blonde-haired one stood at attention. Graduated second place, solid fortitude, trustworthy, big brother figure. Seems like a dependable guy to me.

"Whatever," Levi said.

"Bertolt Hoover!"

Bert-hole, got it, Levi thought as the tallest one of the group did the salute without saying a word. Third place. Colossal potential, no self-confidence. Looks like he could snap and go crazy at any minute. That might be useful.

"Marco Bott!"

Freckles, Levi thought immediately about the inanely-smiling guy who stepped up as his name was announced. Seventh place, the only one in this half-baked group of weirdos without some psychological problems, apparently. He'll probably outlive us all.

"Jean Kirstein!"

Baguette boy, Levi thought about the confident-looking guy next to Bott, very punchable horse-face, stupid smirk, thinks overly highly of himself, but the best at using the 3D gear.

"Connie Springer!"

Avatar, Levi thought about the short, bald boy. A dumbass when it comes to anything but being a soldier. Probably not suited for undercover work.

"Sasha Blouse!"

Spudina, Levi thought as he read about some food-related incident in the file of the girl with reddish brown hair and some disgusting food stains on her uniform. Ninth place, fast, good instincts but never shares anything. I like her already.

"Krista Lenz!"

Stepford, Levi thought immediately as he took a look at the small, bright-faced blonde girl. Tenth place, cares a lot about others and her presence alone boosts their morale or some junk. If you ask me, that name is fake as sh-

"Eren Yeager!"

Levi observed the boy with dark brown hair, green or blue (it was hard to tell) eyes and a determined look on his face. Meh, he thought. Nothing special.

"Mikasa Ackerman!"

Levi paid particularly close attention to her. A muscular girl with black hair and an expressionless look on her face who was easily distinguishable from the red scarf she wore on top of the usual uniform. She was apparently the highest-ranking member of the trainees squad and pretty much the best student in years. If there was someone he could trust with this, it was probably going to be her.

"Armin Arlert!"

Daffodil, Levi thought as he went through the files of the small, thin blonde-haired boy. Not even in the top ten, apparently.

"Why is he even here?" Levi asked Erwin and pointed at the nervous-looking Arlert, who had just arrived, wearing his Survey Corps hood.

"According to Shadis, he's got a brilliant mind, believe it or not," Erwin said simply. "Besides, it's not about him as much as it is about the big picture. You'll see."

Levi noticed there were eleven people in the group instead of ten. The one who made it to fourth place, Annie Leonhart, had joined the MP's, so apparently the one graduate whose name hadn't been called, a tall girl with freckles, had been chosen as she was just outside the top 10. Still didn't explain why daffodil was there.

Lorenz prepared to announce the last recruit's name. "Ymir-"

Just then, a Survey Corps member burst into the room.

"Commander Lorenz!" she yelled. "We need your help! There's something going on in the Karanese District!"

"Damn it!" Lorenz muttered. "All right, I'll be right there. Listen up, recruits! By joining the Survey Corps, you have also sworn not to divulge our secrets to anyone, not even when questioned by a superior officer. The reason for this will be explained shortly. We have deemed you trustworthy enough for now – but the penalty for spreading what you hear today to anyone outside of this room is death! That'll be all. Here to tell you more is humanity's secret weapon and strongest soldier: Captain Levi!"

As Lorenz left, here was immediately whispering and restlessness amongst some of the recruits, though Mikasa, Reiner, Bertolt and Ymir stood completely still. Everyone's attention immediately turned to the tall, hooded man skulking in the corner... but their surprise was even greater as the short, grumpy man next to him greeted them instead.

"I only have a few words for you," Levi said. "You," he pointed at Mikasa. "You'll be in command of your trainees squad. You probably realized that Heike Lorenz is not the actual commander of the Survey Corps. He will be introduced to you later, but you'll have to do with me in the meantime. You'll get detailed instructions later. Right now, I want all of you to move to your assigned apartments. Move only in civilian gear and don't expose yourselves as members of the Survey Corps. Don't be stupid and don't get killed."

"Also," Levi continued. "I want the following people to join me for a briefing." Levi read off his sheet. "Ackerman, Arlert and-"

~o~O~o~

Later that night...

"He picked Jean!" Eren raged as he sat with Sasha, Connie and Marco at lunch under Gunther and Eld's watchful eye at the bar. "I would have been much better than that horse-faced bastard!"

"Hey, Eren, c'mon!" Marco protested. "Jean's a great leader, he came in sixth and-"

"And apparently I can't 'keep my emotions in check' or something!" Eren kept on complaining. "What was that about?! TELL ME!"

"Wow, I guess I'm an idiot, since I really can't say," Connie deadpanned. "Hey, Sasha, what are you doing?!"

Everyone's attention turned to the Potato Girl as she was stuffing food in her pockets with a loaf of bread in her mouth. She hadn't even heard Connie at first, but as soon as she realized everyone was staring at her, Sasha looked at Eren with the fakest smile on her face.

"Oh, yeah, I agree, total injustice, yeah!" she said hastily. "Or... were we still talking about that?"

"This is total garbage!" Eren ranted. "I'm going to see that Lance Corporal Levi guy!"

"Eren, his rank is Captain!" Marco corrected.

"I thought it was 'Heichou'," Sasha wondered.

Ignoring the ensuing debate about correct terminology, Eren left the table and headed over to the counter. As soon as he started walking towards them, Eld and Gunther pretended that they hadn't been watching.

"I want to see Levi," Eren told them quietly, remembering Lorenz's threats.

Eld and Gunther glanced nervously at each other, but before they could answer, Levi and Petra came out of the kitchen, along with Jean, Armin and Mikasa. Levi stayed to say something to those three while Petra relieved Gunther at the bar.

"What could I get you?" Petra asked Eren. "Oh, wait, I don't think you're old enough to drink yet. I mean, it's not like they care about those types of laws anymore, but I really recommend you don't."

"I'm... one of you!" Eren protested. "Can I, uh, see Levi?"

"Oh, sorry," Petra said sincerely and grabbed Eren's hand, shaking it energetically. "Petra Ral! I'm a member of Levi's team!"

"Eren Yeager," Eren introduced himself. "Um... about the Captain, he's really-"

"Not what you expected, right?" Petra laughed, unsettling Eren, as there were people hanging around the counter near Eld. "Oh, don't mind that!" Petra told Eren. "In a crowded place like this, no one cares about other people's conversations. And most of our customers probably won't remember much the next morning..."

"So what is he like?" Eren asked. "He's definitely not as... overwhelming as I thought."

"Yeah, he's short, heard it a million times," Petra said. "He's also fussy, antisocial and a pain in everyone's ass. But you can't deny it," Petra sighed as she glanced at Levi, "he's the best humanity has to offer, and the best way for us to complete our goal."

"I hear he's killed hundreds of Titans," Eren said. "Well, one source says ten thousand, three using his fists and one because he glared at it after it stained his uniform."

"Oh, I've heard that one, too," Petra scoffed. "That's not the only reason why he's so useful here, though. But I can't tell you yet."

Eren had already understood (to his dismay) that his new duties wouldn't involve as much Titan-obliterating as he would like. Still, he wanted to be as useful to humanity as possible.

The conversation between Levi and the three he had chosen for the mission had apparently ended. Sasha, Connie and Marco joined Eren, Mikasa, Armin and Jean at the counter as they all gathered around to hear about what Levi had told them, but all three remained tight-lipped about it, which infuriated Eren even more.

"That's it, I'm going to go and ask him!" Eren raged.

"Eren, I don't think you should," Mikasa warned quietly. "This is dangerous."

"But not dangerous at all for you?"

"...well, yes."

"Okay, I get it, but sheesh, it can't be that bad!" Eren said. "He even chose Armin for this mission!"

"I'm right here!" Armin whined.

But Eren ignored him and instead stepped in front of Levi, who was about to walk past the recruits and grab a bottle from the bar.

"Captain!" Eren said hesitantly and avoided making eye contact with him. "Um, I think you should reconsider your choices for that mission!"

There was no escaping Levi's glare, though.

"What I meant was," Eren said quickly, "is that you should let me try! Please! I want to be as useful to humanity as possible! I don't care how dangerous it is!"

"I've made my choices," Levi said simply. "I don't have time to regret the past, Eret."

"Eren."

"Whatever. The three people I chose are perfect for the mission I have in mind-"

Eren sighed.

"-or they would, except for one particular detail I had planned the stallion of Cimarron to handle, but it seems he can't."

"I'll do it!" Eren said immediately. "I'm at your service! I'll do anything!"

"You don't want to know what it is first?"

"No!"

"Well, that's idiotic, but I like your attitude," Levi said and looked around him to make sure no one was eavesdropping. "Your mission involves going undercover and joining a certain organization. All members have an insignia in the form of a tattoo – and only that one tattoo – but it seems Jolly Jumper already has one."

"You have a tattoo?!" Eren asked Jean.

Jean immediately assumed a hostile tone. "What, you don't believe I could do it?!" he raged. "I'll show it right n-"

But Marco shook his head meaningfully, prompting Jean to drop it.

"Well, I didn't know this would some day become an issue," Jean muttered.

"Fine, you're in," Levi told Eren, grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to the kitchen. "But the operation starts in two hours and you need to be prepared."

Though surprised, Eren reacted well to being included, and gave Mikasa and Armin a self-satisfied grin before disappearing into the kitchen.

"Oh, Petra!" Jean said suddenly. "A big crowd coming in tonight, huh? But I heard you were on performer short!"

"Uh... yeah," Petra said, not sure where Jean was going with this, as he sounded way more excited than usual. "I'm probably just going to have the others play longer, so-"

"You don't have to!" Jean almost shouted. "You've got your performer right here! My band!"

"Y... you have a band?" Armin asked.

"We totally have a band!" Jean said and put his arm on Marco's shoulder. "'Hoarse'! Because of my sexy singing voice! Marco here plays the drums!"

"Really, we kinda suck," Marco said, looking embarrassed. "We've never even played live and stuff always gets destroyed at practice-"

"Hey, we do not suck!" Jean protested. "Sasha, Connie, tell them!"

Sasha and Connie just said something incoherent in response and looked like they wanted to leave.

"They're playing too?" Petra wondered.

"You can't have a band with just two members!" Jean said. "All the best ones have four! Connie's surprisingly good at rhythm guitar-"

"I only know one chord," Connie muttered.

"-and Sasha, well, she hadn't played any instruments before we started, but she plays the bass, so it doesn't matter."

"He made us join the band," Sasha sighed. "He can be pretty persuasive. He threatened to show little Marco!"

"Do NOT tell them what it is!" Marco yelled.

"Well, if even your own band members think you suck," Petra said delicately, "I don't think you can-"

"Oh, come on!" Jean whined. "Please! Pleaaase?! I'll cover at the bar for you! I'll clean the stables for a month! Anything, please, you gotta let us have this chance! People need to hear Hoarse's message!"

Petra glanced at Gunther and Eld, who just shrugged as if to say 'he's your problem, you're the boss'. Finally, she sighed in resignation.

"Why am I always so nice to people?" she lamented. "You can play."

"YES!" Jean said with his fist in the air. "You won't regret this!"

Suddenly, loud cries of pain came from the kitchen. The customers were too loud or too drunk to realize, but everyone at the counter heard it, and Mikasa immediately dashed in, followed by Armin, Jean and Petra.

Mikasa had already pulled out her sword before anyone else could react, but when she reached the kitchen, she just saw Eren laying shirtless on a table, cringing as Hange was giving him a tattoo on the back and Levi leaned against the wall, looking like he always did.

"Hey, everyone~!" Hange greeted. "You know, for my first tattoo, I'm not doing half bad! There isn't even a lot of blood!"

A/N: Hello, everyone, and I hope you enjoyed this first chapter. As you may have noticed, the tone of this story is not overly serious, but I still want to experiment with this AU a bit. Hopefully I stayed true to everyone's character, mostly anyway. Hopefully I'll have time to continue this! Reviews are welcome, positive or negative, but either way, thanks for reading!

- Zokolov