This one goes out to Bep and the most ardent of chumps. You know who you are.
"What can you tell me about my father?"
A pause and a bittersweet smile.
"There are poisonous space slugs I like more than you," Anni says under his breath.
Obi double takes. "You say something?"
"You bet your ass I did."
"You know, Yoda and Sam Jackson insisted I murder you."
"I thought killing younglings was more of a sith thing."
"That's a lie perpetuated by the liberal media," Obi says, waving him off like a youngling begging for snordlings. "If we need to put it down, we put it down. The jedi are very thorough peoples, Anni. You'll learn all about that in your trainings."
"I AM a jedi, fuckstain. You're trying to baby me again and I won't stand for it."
"You're the fuckstain, fuckstain," Obi says, stroking his lovely beard with a tenderness not unlike that which you might see applied to a lover's embrace. "Is that any way to treat your master? Your master who toiled over you and sweated over you and bled on odd days?"
"Shut up Obi."
"You're a little shit," he sighs. "I should have listened to Yoda and Master Sam Jackson."
"Do you have a firepoker?"
"I used to. Not now. Not anymore..."
"How hard is it to find a goddamn firepoker in space."
"Only as hard as you make it, Anni." The wise old sage is cut off by the ringing of his jediPhone. Extending the antenna and popping it open he greets the unknown caller with the utmost confidence. "Jedi speaking. Yes. Her? She's a senator. What do you mean what do I mean? Who gives a shit? Ugh, that's dumb. You're dumb. I don't give a shit what the council says, I'm not going to babysit some fucking- No YOU listen here. I don't give a fuck if you were in Juice. You talk to me like that again and I'll put the space scorpions to you, hard style. All right, all right. Goddamnit. I'll send Anni. Uh huh. Fuck you, too."
Anakin isn't paying attention to Obi as he grunts and forces the long antenna back into the phone. He clears his throat. He clears his throat again. He speaks. "Goddamnit, Anni, pay attention to me."
"No."
"Anni. I've got the high grounds. You'd do well to remember that."
"Goddamnit. What."
"I need you to babysit a senator for a few days."
"Babysit a senator?! That's chump work! No."
"Anni. I have the high ground. You'll do as you're told."
"All right, for fuck's sake. Better not be Jarjar, I'll fucking kill him, and I don't give a shit who has the high ground."
"It isn't. You'll be escorting Senator Padme Amidala to Naboo where you'll be forced to carry her luggage and stare at her in her sleep."
"I really don't wanna do that."
"Tough titty. I'll be drinking all weekend and I'm not gonna let some sleazeball senator get in the way of that. You're gonna have to bite the bullet on this one."
"I really hate you, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
"I hate you, too, you wretched little bastard."
"I like sand. It's coarse. And it gets everywhere." He gazes wistfully out onto the water, squinting into the blinding shimmering sunlight's reflection. "I like the crunching sensation between my teeth. What do you think, Padme?"
"I'm a senator."
"Yes, and I am a jedi."
"I'm a senator."
"Yes indeed. How do you feel about sand, Padme?"
"I'm a senator."
"I'd like to kill a lot of younglings some day. Like, seemingly for no reason."
"I'm a senator."
"Yes, I'll be sure to tell them that. That you're a senator, and true fear - those are the last things they'll ever know."
Hayden Christian's jediPhone rings. He flips it out and pulls up the antenna.
"Jedi speaking. I'm with a senator. Mmhm. No. No. No, goddamnit, we're talking about sand. Yeah. It's coarse and it gets everywhere. Yeah, well you're not my fucking mom. I said get your fucking titty out of my mouth, Kenobi, you goddamn fuckshit. Uh huh. Sand, yes. Gets everywhere. Coarse as all fucking get out. I like the crunch. She's wearing a skimpy white outfit that shows off her bellybutton, why? Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Bye."
"Obi says hi."
"But... I'm a senator."
"Yeah," he smiles, blooping his phone closed and resting his eyes. Senators remind him of sand, he smiles quietly to himself. His eyes pop open as he sees that face on the back of his eyes. Obi Kenobi. That fuckshit. "I can't believe him," he huffs.
"I'm a senator."
"Always trying to control me. Always watching me sleep. He never lets me have any snordlings!"
"I'm a senator."
"And I'M a JEDI, but all he does is treat me like a little kid!"
"I'm a senator."
"He's just angry because it's legal to have ABORTIONS. He always says to me, 'Anni, what if your whore mother would have aborted you like she wanted to? How would you FEEL?'"
"I'm a senator?"
"I'd tell him how I FEEL if he'd listen! He never listens! He won't listen! He just wants to talk about ABORTIONS!"
"I'm a senator," she says, gently touching his face.
"Yes," he says, exasperated. Breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. Controlled breathing, like Sam Jackson always told him. In through the nose, out through the mouth. "Yes, you're right. I'm sorry. You ARE a senator."
She smiles at him warmly. "I'm a senator."
"Yeah," he says, seductinglive, scooting in close to her and laying the mack on thick. "And I'm a jedi."
She looks at him deeply with a deep lust in her eyes. She catches herself, hand over her mouth and turns her gaze away. "I-I'm a senator..."
"And I'M a jedi." He leans in to swoop in for the goods.
She stops him. "I'm a senator!"
He stops. "I'm a jedi."
She leans in to swoop in for the goods. "I'm a... senator?"
"Padme, we can't," he says, gently pushing her away. "I'm a jedi."
"But..." she says, shaking her head in confusion. She almost looks hurt. "I'm a senator..."
"...And I'm a jedi," he says jamming his tongue down her throat with a feverous passionate lust. Making smacking sounds and AMBLAMBLAM sounds as he jams his tongue into her throathole.
He stands with a face like 8| and unbuckles his lightsaber belt, tossing his mysterious robes off with one clean motion, revealing his dong in all its glory. His throbbing, circumcized member the size of a grown man's tubesock jam packed full of marbles. His clothes at his feet, he fastens his lightsaber belt back around his sexy, tight, boney as fuck defined hips, because it's better this way. Not only does he look even more gorgeously badass, but in case he gets chumped on when he's rootin', he can quickly jump on D. But not before giving her the D.
He uses his jedimindtricks to rip her close off and pick her up to his arms. He carries her inside off the porch and opens her bedroom door with his mindthinkings. Once that happens, she's on the bed and he is upon her, nailing her to the bed with his dick.
He sticks it in and out of her, really delivering it to her, giviing it to her with all he's got and all he'll ever give; she moans in pleasure and he makes gutteral sounds of delight and extany.
"OH!" she icecreams in destiny, "OH I'M A SENATOOOOOORRRRRRRRRR!1111111111111111"
Anakin Skywalker jams his pearly ropes up into them guts and he screams something about himself being a jedi and also king of the universe annd he quivers and curls up like a newborn babe onto her whole existance.
"I'm a senator," she says in a hushed tone, full of adrenaline and discrepincy. "I'm a senator!"
"I really like sand," he say s rolling off of her and closing his eyes. He looks happy as if they're in love or he's in a dream. "It's coarse and it gets everywhere. I love the crunch. I love all the crunch."
He wakes up an hour later and he walks around, only pausing to strike a hands on his naked hips pose in a flattering view of each window. He notices the fireplace and gets antsy.
"Oooo, a firepoker," he says, flirtatiously bending over to pick up the firepoker. "Now I can be a man."
He jams the firepoker into his lightsaber belt and puts his fists against his hips.
"Anni, have you completed the mission."
"No, your honor," he says into his jediPhone. "I've consumated a misston of my own."
"That doesn't matter," Obi says, tickling his own beard like a youngling tickles a garglesnatch. "Did I tell you the GREAT NEWS?!"
"No and I don't care, I'm trying to tell you that I'm in lo-"
"I ABOLISHED ABORTION!"
"..."
"Hello? Anni? Abortion is ILLEGAL. I got rid of it. It was pretty sweet, I was drunk the whole time."
"Old man, I am a JEDI."
"What the fuck are you talking about? I solved the whole problem of the universe."
"What?"
"If I can't get laid, nobody gets laid! I'm a fucking jedi!"
"KENOBI YOU FUCKING COCKSTAIN"
"What?"
Anni vomits and drops his jediPhone. He feels his cock twitch and he passes out.
"Deegsley poopslomash," Jar Jar says into a microphone in front of the gathering of the most important people in the universe. "Me ploppy but got gloppy when yallsa swaglateral felroo."
Nobody's listening. Nobody gives a shit.
"I hate him," he says, turning around to continue the pace too soon only to look like a strange man walking around in circles. "He's always trying to control my LIFE!"
"Yessssss, feed on your anger," Plappertine says, looking more and evil as long as he gets. "Feet your scrotum with your despisals."
"I am sick and TIRED of him telling me what to do! What to think! When to go to the bathroom! When I can go for a walk! What I'm gonna think! What I'm gonna do! When I'm gonna go for a walk! When I'm gonna watch Tv! When I'm gonna go to work! What time to go to work! When I'm gonna drive! When I'm gonna drive! When I'm gonna think! Whether or not I can give my lover Padme an abortion! What not to rub on his-"
"Excuse me, young child," Plappertine says, adjusting his ominus hood. "Did you say abortion?"
"Yeah!" he says, exillerated. "Yeah hesays! I got a girlfriend I knocked up and now I can't have an abortion!111111111111"
"Because of your... previous master?"
"He's no master to me," Anni huffs, his adrenaline cycling thru his cranial noggin. "I RENOUNCE him."
"Goooooooooood," Plappertine says, adjjusting his hood in an ominous way. "You may now commit yourself to...LORD SIDDeouS!"
"The truth is," he says to Whoopi Goldburg. He looks exactly like Captain Picard from Star Treck the Next Generation. "I'm really an animal at heart. I'm really a monster."
"PLEASE INSERT LINE."
"Ah, yes. 'You're so dashing, Captain Picard. You make me want to have sex with you all up in every single one of your orifices.' Yes, that'll do nicely."
"AH YES YOU'RE SO DASHING CAPTAIN PICARD YOU MAKE ME WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU ALL UP IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR ORIFICES YES THAT'LL DO NIGHTLY."
"Perfect. Computer, tell me that again, but slower," he says licking his lips and teasing his own wasteband.
Obi loved his holodeck time. He spent more time there than anybody. Pretending he was in an alternate universe and pretending that he was some bald man named Captain Jean-Luc Patrick-Stewart PiCard, the captain of his own ship and his own destiny and he does all sorts of cool and sexy things with Whoopie Goldburg.
"AH YES... YOU'RE SO DASHING... CAPTAIN PICARD... YOU MAKE ME WANT TO... HAVE SEX WITH YOU... ALL UP IN EVERY SINGLE ONE... OF YOUR ORIFICES YES... THAT'LL DO NIGHTLY."
"Perfect," he says. Sometimes he likes to pretend to go into another holodeck while he's in the holodeck, just to spice things up. "You're gonna-"
and that's when the fantasy is closed. Like a chump factory in a world without chumps, that shit was shut down.
Nothing made Obi madder. "This better be goddamn important! What is it you ask of me?!"
"Sir - It's Anakin!"
"What about him?!"
"He's killing younglings!1"
"What kind goddamnit I don't have all day."
"Young, white male younglings, your honor! Younglings that MATTER!"
"GODDAMNIT!" he says thrashing his way out of fantastical captivitizement, he started to punch his way through the environment as if it was his very own enemy, despite nothing really being in his way. "Nobody kills important younglings on my watch! NOT EVEN MY OWN CHUMP!"
This part is important and you need to pay attention to it. Jar Jar stands in front of a crowd and says some important shit, only you can't understand him and you assume by his presence in the story that nothing he says is worth a goddamn fraction of your nuggets or shineys. But that doesn't matter. You find yourself thinking about other things while this scene goes on. Like, where ya gonna go. Where ya gonna eat. What ya gonna do ten minutes from now. Where ya gonna go ten minutes from then. When ya gonna walk the dog. When ya gonna eat. What ya gonna do. What ya gonna think about. Why you say 'hey' to the neighbors. When ya gonna think. Why ya gonna think. When ya gotta wonder about why ya gotta do things. Where ya gonna go. When you gonna sleep. When ya gonna take the dog out. When you gonna feel fulfilled.
Jar Jar is still saying things. Who gives a fuck.
"I can get Padme an abortion," he says, a tongue like a dry misshapen rock raking horrendously against sandpaper. "I can GIVE HER an abortion."
"Y-you can?!"
"Of course I can."
"Thank you, Plappertine. I mean, bless you! I mean please! Give my Padme an abortion!"
"I can give your paddles an abortion," he says, adjusting his hood ominously. "But first there's something you need to do for me."
"What can I do?" he asks, desperately, "what can I do for you to give my Padme an abortion?"
Plappertine looks even more serious than he ever has been in his whole life. "You can kill me some younglings.."
"Younglings," he says, licking his lips, "I can kill younglings..."
"ANNI," he says, strangling a young tentacled youngling, "WHERE IS HE?!"
"He's standing in the same place he's been standing for the last ten hours," Sam Jackson says, matter of factly. "Where he killed those younglings, Obi-Wan. He's waiting for you."
"Hold on," Obi says, strangling the little alien youngling, "I'll be with YOU in a MINUTE."
"You're finally here," Anni says, brandishing his lightsaber. "I didn't think you'd show up."
"To put the pain on you?" he asks slyly, almost like he likes it like that, "To put the... hurt?"
"TO GET THE HURT" he says, flexing and grunting and turning into Super Saiyan 17. "PUT ON YOU...!"
Little does Anni know that Obi is a genuine certified Super Saiyan 911. He grunts and flexes and grows bulges in all the right sexy places and pushes him away from his volcano grounds into other volcano grounds.
Anni hits a rock with his back and says OUCH and then flexes some more and grunts before thrusting himself at the mighty Obi. They both pull out their lightsabers and they fight among the rocks in the volcano and they hop to a different rock and fight in the rocks of the volcano pit and they they slam their lightsabers into one another a bit more and then they hop to another rock in the volcano pit and slam their lightsabers against one anothers on top of the rock in the same volcano pit but it's a different rock don't worry about it and then one of them, Obi I think it is, he jumps to another rock in the volcano pit and so does Anni and they fight on top of another rock in the same volcano pit and then suddenly Obi-Wan Kenobi jumps sideways onto a rock formation and says "I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND DON'T EVEN TRY IT" and Anni is all like "I'M GONNA TRY IT ANYWAY" and he jumps up onto that pillar all sideways like and they duke it out, like, they fight for like ten minutes with their different colored lightsabers bounce off one another, I believe Obi has a green lightsaber and Anni has a bad lightsaber I mean a read lightsaber and he don't even know he a sith yet but gurl he totally a sithh yet and they lightsabers bounce off one another and it's awesome, like I mean it's fucking incredible and amazing and there's like so many lightsabers bouncing off lightsabers and suddenly a dude who has like six lightsabers shows up and says something like "I WANNA FIGHT" and Obi-Wan Kenobi is all like "YOU HAVE TO BE A JEDI TO BE BADASS HOW COME A ROBOT DEFY GRAVITY" and the robot is all like "HEY I AM A ROBOT AND I GOT ALL KINDS OF LIGHTSABERS LIKE BROWN AND PURPLE AND PINK AND YELLOW AND ORANGE AND DARK GREEN AND CANDY APPLE" and he unsheathes his lightsabers one at a time, one brown, one purple, one pink, one yellow, one orange and one dark green and one candy apple and he didn't even give a fuck like "I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK" and they fight him up the pillar like red lightsabers pressed against green lightsabers pressed against candy apple lightsabers against red lightsabers and that's where things got real and you have no idea how hard these chumps fight from one pillar to the next pillar with blue lightsabers grinding against brown lightsa bers and broun lightsabers getting grinded on by chump ass yellow lightsabers and yelllow lighstabers clashing against blue lightsabers and blue lightsabers waving off potato lightsabers and potato lightsabers make me wonder if lightsabers are even worth invvesting in anymore they're like all over the fucking place who cares and suddenly Obi-Wan Kenobi has the high grounds and he proudly declares it from the top of the high grounds.
"I've got the high grounds! Don't even try it!"
"If I am to get injured," he says, his eyes glowing a dark red unlike anything they've done before. "More than that, if you think I'm dead, I need you follow these simple instructions."
"What do you require?" asks the dark lord siddeous. "What is it you ask of me in request for your soul."
"I want you to kill my wife and say it was the abortion that did it."
"What? I thought you wanted to save your woman's life at the expense of your children."
"I say a lot of things, goddamnit, I need you to listen. I took a shitload of Xanax bars in order to tell you this. I won't remember any of this in the morning, and I'll believe every single word you say."
"You're giving me a blank check?"
"What does that mean? Doesn't matter. Kill my wife, she knows too much. Blame it on the abortion. I'll feel bad, but not too bad. Save me from pretending I'm not weird. Please."
"Is that your wish?"
"Yes, fuckhea-hehehaaaaaa-" he grabs his head and he tumbles to his side, making himself something of an awkward humping hissing thing in the shape of an S on the ground.
Prappletini, or Lord Sidnation is actually a Jinn so he uses this wish against him to do exactly what happens. Dramatic orchestral strings sound and shit.
"DON'T EVEN TRY IT" Obi says, with enough umph for capitalization to be a thing in typing it to be a thing. Or something? What? "I'VE GOT THE HIGH GROUND."
"I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE HIGH GROUND" Anni says about what he thinks after he looks at the magically floating rock Obi is standing on. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU ANYWAY"
That's what he says.
And then Obi says something like "GODDAMNIT I TOLD YOU NOT TO TRY IT" and cuts his arm and a lot of his face off and then he falls down into the lava, which is really cool because it's like so dark and you have this super cool dark character melting and burning into something cooler and darker. But right now, he's a scolding smidgeon of scorching and agonizing flesh and so Lord Cid Day Us is trying to get back in on his bargain so he scoops up the slime that he is annd he scoots him into the Lord Darth Vader Robot Suit and he asks where his bangmaid is but Plappertinion says, like he promised, "you killed her with an abortion."
And there's sadness. And other stuff happens. But mostly DV just screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The bittersweet smile fades and the man speaks directly. "Anni was a good friend."
Luke smiles. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to. He's happy.