Title: In His Arms
Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)
Category: Drama/Romance
Pairing: Sydney/Vaughn
Spoilers: "Rendezvous".
POV: Vaughn
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Sydney shows up at Vaughn's apartment after suffering a terrible shock.
Note: This story takes place sometime after Will found out about Sydney's double life. The events in the finale don't play a part, so you can just pretend they didn't happen. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought :) ~Steph
* * *In His Arms: Part 1/1 * * *
I lie awake in bed and watch my digital clock change from 1:13 to 1:14. This is how my nights have been ever since I met her.
I lie awake at night and watch the time pass. I count down the minutes till I'll see her again.
I squeeze my eyes shut and see her face...her beautiful face.
I roll over and run my hand over the area next to me. I try to imagine her figure lying beside me, her lips curled into a smile, eyes locked on mine.
Sometimes, lost in my impossible dreams, I'll reach out to her...only to grasp air.
I've cursed the day I met her a thousand times. If only we'd met under different circumstances, at some other time, on some other day...things might be different.
She could be mine.
It doesn't seem fair. I've dated my share of women and not one could hold a candle to Sydney.
Why is it that the one woman I can't live without is the one woman I can't have?
It's the cruelest of fates. Destined to love from afar.
I roll back over and look at the clock again. 1:17. I wonder what Sydney is doing right now.
I shake my head. Probably sleeping, you idiot. She's probably sleeping like a baby, thoughts of me a million miles away. I doubt I've ever kept her up for even a minute.
She's kept me up countless nights...Whether I am worrying about her while she's away on a mission or simply thinking about her, Sydney Bristow's turned me into an insomniac.
I am just about to click on the television to find an infomercial that will put me to sleep when I hear my doorbell ring.
I shoot straight up in bed. Who the hell is ringing my bell at 1 o'clock in the morning?
I throw my covers aside and jump out of bed. The doorbell rings a few more times, each ring seems to sound more urgent in nature. I don't bother to throw on a t-shirt and walk to the door in just my boxers.
I peer through the peephole and am stunned to see Sydney standing outside my door. I quickly throw the door open, noticing her appearance for the first time. She is soaking wet. Her clothes are sopping and her hair hangs limp around her face, stray pieces plastered across her cheek and forehead. Her makeup is smudged, mascara streaming down her face.
And she is crying. The tears mix with the water dripping from her hair and most wouldn't even be able to tell she is crying. But I can.
I reach out to her and usher her inside, closing the door behind me with my foot. I am filled with a million questions, the first and most important being why she'd risk her cover and come over here. But I know that my first priority is to make sure she's all right.
I lead her over to the couch and try to make her sit down, but she moves away from me. She walks over to the mantle over the fireplace and points at a picture of my mother and younger brother, Matt.
"You have a nice family," she says so softly I barely hear her.
"Thank you," I respond, as I come to stand by her side. I eye her, noting how she seems to be staring blankly at the picture.
She abruptly turns around and swivels her head to view the entire living room. "I like your apartment."
I don't respond. Instead, I walk over to the couch and remove a blanket that's draped over it. I move to her and gently place the blanket around her shaking figure. I feel her briefly flinch beneath my touch, but then relax.
"Sydney," I say soothingly, "Come sit down on the couch."
She turns to me and our eyes meet, but something is missing. It's as if she's looking right through me.
I place one hand on her back and guide her to the couch. She slowly sits down and I sit down next to her. She moves her eyes to her hands and I have to touch her face to get her to look at me.
"Do you want anything? Maybe a cup of coffee?" she nods, but doesn't really seem to hear me.
I try to smile comfortingly. "Okay, I'll be right back."
I walk to the kitchen and put a fresh pot of coffee on. I then proceed to pace back and forth, my mind a racing blur. I stop in front of the telephone and pause. I hesitantly lift my hand and pick up the phone, slowly dialing the familiar number.
After a few rings, he answers in a groggy, grumpy voice. "What?"
"Eric, it's me, Mike."
"Mike? What the hell are you calling me for in the middle of the night?!" Weiss's voice is still groggy, but with a new irritated dimension.
"Sydney's here."
"Where?"
"My apartment! Where the hell do you think?!" I reply in a harsh whisper.
A long pause ensues and when he speaks again he seems completely lucid. "Okay, listen to me, Mike. I know you have a thing for her. You have feelings for her and I can sympathize with that, but you can't do this. Do you have any idea the kind of risk you'd be taking?"
I pull the phone away from my ear for a second and offer it a thoroughly confused expression. I shake my head. "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What did you think I called about? To let you know that Sydney and I were going to...you know? To ask your permission? To seek advice? Have you talk me out of it?"
The confusion is evident in his voice. "That's not why you-..."
"No! She showed up here on her own, Weiss. She's soaking wet, just a mess, and acting really strange. She hasn't said anything of substance and she looks like she might be in a state of shock."
"Vaughn, you have to get her out of there. In her state, there's no telling if anyone followed her. Her cover might already be blown."
"I can't just send her away. Something's wrong." I pause and say softly, "I have to help her."
If it's possible, I hear him shake his head disapprovingly. "Mike, you're in way over your head. This can only end badly. If Devlin finds out about this, you're probably done...For good this time."
I sigh. "That's just a chance I have to take." I then hang up without waiting for his reply.
A moment later, the coffee is ready. I fill a cup for her and take it into the living room. I stop when I see her standing at the window, staring out into the night.
I continue over to her and stand beside her.
"The city looks so beautiful at night, so peaceful. You'd never know that anything bad could have...."
Her voice trails off and she turns to me, silently taking the cup of coffee. She then moves to the couch and sits down. I take a seat next to her and watch as she drains the cup. My eyes scan her shivering figure and I have to force myself not to pull her into my arms.
I swallow hard. "Do you want to change out of those wet clothes? It'd help you feel warmer."
She nods her reply.
"Okay, I think I have a t-shirt and some sweats around here somewhere. I'll be right back."
I return to my bedroom, quickly rifling through the drawers until I find a t-shirt and an old pair of sweatpants. I also stop to place a t- shirt on, suddenly conscious of the fact that I am half-naked in Sydney's presence...Not a good thing.
I go back into the living room and hand her the clothes. "I hope these will be all right. I'm sure they're way too big, but they should do."
She smiles warmly at me and, for the first time tonight, I see a glimpse of the woman I've come to love.
"Thank you," she says softly.
I nod and point down the hall. "The bathroom is down the hall, first door on the left. There are towels in the linen closet if you'd like to dry off. Feel free to use whatever you want in there."
She gets up without a word and heads in that direction. Ten minutes later, she emerges from the bathroom.
My eyes land on her and for a moment my breath catches in my chest.
I've imagined this so many times. Sydney Bristow wearing my clothes and walking towards me.
My faded Kings t-shirt swims on her slim figure and you could fit two of her in the sweatpants, but she still manages to look unbelievably beautiful.
"Are the clothes all right?" I ask, my voice cracking, as she comes to sit next to me.
She nods, as she pushes some damp hair behind her ears. "They're fine. Thanks again."
I study her for a moment, noting a change from earlier. She seems to be more herself now. The shock from whatever's happened seems to be wearing off.
She lowers her eyes and fingers the t-shirt.
"Sydney," I begin quietly, "Can you tell me what happened?"
She remains silent, her attention squarely focused on the t-shirt.
I try again. "Why did you come here?"
She responds without meeting my eyes. "I know I shouldn't have come here."
"No, no, it's okay," I reply reassuringly.
She shakes her head, lifting her eyes to meet mine for the first time. "No, it's not. I know the risk...I just wasn't thinking straight."
I lick my lips. "Why weren't you thinking straight? Please, Sydney, tell me what happened."
She averts her gaze again and begins slowly. "I got this message on my answering machine from Will tonight. He asked me to meet him at this new club by the water, Aquarius. He said he was going there around 10:30 and for me to come whenever I got the message. He'd been talking about this place for a while, kept saying he wanted to go there. And it wasn't unlike him to call me up at the last minute and try to set something up. He knew how crazy my schedule was and he was always trying to make time for us to spend together." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "I got the message really late and didn't show up until after 11:30. I didn't see his car in the parking lot, so I thought that maybe he got tired of waiting and left. I drove around to a side street to see if maybe he'd parked there and I saw his car. I then parked behind his car and went inside the club. I looked all around the club for Will, but I couldn't find him. I decided to try this patio area they have that overlooks the water. I went outside to see if he was out there, but still couldn't find him. I was just about to go back inside, when I caught sight of something in the water. I walked to the railing and peered over. About ten yards or so, I saw a...body floating and I..." She stops and swallows back a sob. The tears are falling freely down her face, but she pays them no attention. "I...I just jumped in and I swam to it...him. I turned him over and saw that it was Will. The rest is a blur. I think someone jumped in and helped me pull his body out of the water. I...I don't know. I was so shocked that I sat there for what seemed like hours and then just got in my car and drove off. I'm not even sure how long I was driving or where I went, I just know I ended up here."
I stare at her in shock for a few long moments, before moving closer to her. I open my arms and her body falls into mine. She places her head on my shoulder and wraps her arms around me, her nails digging into my back as if holding on for dear life. I cup her head with my right hand and rub her back with my left.
I speak as softly and soothingly as I can manage, "I am so sorry, Sydney. I am so sorry."
She pulls back abruptly and roughly wipes at her cheeks with the back of her hand. "I shouldn't have come here. I remembered your address from some piece of paper I saw at the office ages ago and I just found myself driving here. I didn't even pay attention to see if anyone followed me, I didn't take all of the precautions I know I am supposed to take. I just needed someone...I needed you."
I tentatively lift my hand up and place it on her cheek. "It's okay, I understand. We'll deal with all of that later. Right now, you just need some time."
Sydney shakes her head sharply, her eyes flaring. "It was Sloane, you know. He set it all up. He had someone force Will to leave that message; he wanted me to find him."
I run a hand across my forehead. "He must have found out that Will knew about you working for SD-6."
She nods, her eyes clouding with a million emotions. "And he killed Will just like he did Danny...All because of me."
I can see the guilt floating in her eyes and I can tell it'll swallow her alive if she lets it.
"This isn't your fault, Sydney."
She laughs mirthlessly, "Oh yeah? Then whose fault is it, Vaughn? Is it Will's? He was too curious...He cared about me too much, so he deserved to die."
I lower my eyes. "You know that's not what I meant."
She sighs. "I know, but this is my fault. Will is...was my friend, one of my best friends and all he ever wanted me to be was safe and happy. That's all. And it got him killed, Vaughn. He died because of what I do."
I squeeze my eyes shut, before speaking. "I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but what you do is some much bigger-..."
"Than me," she finishes. "I know the spiel, Vaughn. I've heard it a million times. I've recited it to myself a million times. I've tried to make myself understand that what I do saves countless lives and protects this nation, but every single time I come back to the same question. Why do the people I love have to die because of it? It's too high a price to pay and I am sick of it."
"Sydney-..." I begin softly, but she cuts me off.
Her eyes take on a faraway look as she goes on, "He loved me, you know. I mean, he was in love with me. It was this unspoken thing between us. We'd kissed a couple of times and each time it felt strange; it just wasn't right. I always felt so bad because I knew he wanted more and I couldn't give it to him. But, in the end, all he really wanted me to be was happy."
"He wouldn't blame you for this, Sydney," I reply quietly.
She nods, "You're right, he wouldn't. He would have understood. You should have seen how he reacted after he found out about my life. He didn't ask any questions. He just said he loved me. I'd lied to him for as long as I can remember, I'd betrayed him, I'd put his life in danger...and none of it mattered. He loved me anyway."
"He seemed like a great guy. I wish I'd had the chance to meet him," I say as I look at the broken woman before me, my heart aching for her.
How much pain is she supposed to endure before she can't stand it anymore? Why can't she have even a few moments of peace and happiness?
She smiles slightly, "He was a great guy." Her smile soon gives way to a frown, "And he didn't deserve to die that way...He didn't deserve to die."
"You can avenge Will's death, just like Danny's, by continuing to do what you've been doing. You can use your pain over Will's death and turn into something positive, Sydney. Then, at least, it won't seem so senseless and he won't have died in vain."
She shakes her head wearily, "I can't do it anymore, Vaughn. I am so tired of this life. I am tired of all the dishonesty. I just want one honest relationship, a few moments of truth."
She lifts her head and meets my eyes. My voice emerges softly. "You have me, Sydney. What we have is honest."
She laughs bitterly. "Is it really?"
"I know we have to meet in private and we have to pretend not to- ..."
"No," she says sharply, cutting me off. There's a new look in her eye...A look I haven't seen before. "I mean we haven't been honest with each other...about us."
My eyes widen. "I...I don't understand."
She inches her way closer to me, a boldness in her eyes. She whispers, "We haven't been anywhere close to honest with each other."
That's the last thing she says before her lips crash into mine. The kiss is feverish, her lips pressing hard into mine, tongue exploring my mouth with reckless abandon. I can barely keep up with her.
I hardly have time to comprehend that my dream is coming true. All of this time, I've wanted her...I've wanted to hold her, kiss her, make love to her. I just never imagined it would happen like this.
I can feel her hands move to my back and she begins to lift my shirt. Her lips move to my neck and the feeling is so incredible I almost can't stand it.
And then, just like that, I realize this isn't right...I realize I don't want it to happen like this. I want her, I want her more than I could ever hope to express, but not like this...Not when she is grieving for her friend, riddled with guilt, looking for something, anything, to take away the pain...if only for a moment.
I want all of her...and I want her for the right reasons at the right time.
It takes all of the strength I can muster to push her away.
She pulls back and looks into my eyes. "What's wrong?"
"This, Sydney. This is wrong."
"What? You don't want this? I thought-..."
I shake my head sharply. "No, I do want this. I want it more than you'll ever know, but not like this...Not when you're like this. You don't want it either, Sydney, not now."
Her jaw tightens and she moves away, sitting farther down the couch. "I am so sick of people telling me what I want and what I don't want. I am so tired of everyone controlling my life."
"That's not what I'm trying to do," I say weakly.
She wipes at a tear and says softly, "I'm just so tired of pretending. I can't pretend with you, too. Not anymore."
I take a deep breath. "You don't have a choice. We don't have a choice. I wish things could be different, but, for now, they can't be. Someday it won't be this way."
She turns to me, her eyes piercing mine. "Someday it might be too late."
Our gaze holds for a moment, before we both look away.
Her words echo in my ears and for a few moments I am filled with regret, fearing that I may have lost my only chance to be with her.
After all, neither one of us knows what lies ahead. Every time we say goodbye, I know it could be the last time I see her. Her life is never out of danger and only time will tell what the future holds.
I may have just passed up my only chance of being with the woman of my dreams.
I am either the dumbest man on earth...or hopelessly in love with this woman.
I slowly lift my eyes up and say softly, "Look, being your handler, getting to know you, has been the best experience of my life. It's also been one of the hardest." She finally meets my eyes and I have to force myself not to look away. "I haven't been very good at hiding my feelings for you and if you didn't know how I feel about you already, then you probably do now. It's been so hard for me to try to be your handler, your friend, your confidant and not act on those feelings. The reason I haven't is because I know how important what you do is and I would never risk that. But that doesn't mean that I'm not waiting for the day when we can be more." I pause and swallow hard. "So don't tell me that someday it might be too late because the only thing that keeps me going, that gets me through one day to the next, is the hope that someday nothing will stand in our way."
She simply stares at me, seemingly taking in all that I've said. I suddenly feel guilty for dumping all of this on her when she is in such a fragile state. I just couldn't help myself; it was something I needed to say.
She finally averts her gaze and stands up abruptly. "I should be going. I never should have come here and I certainly shouldn't have stayed this long."
I stand up and shake my head. "Don't go."
She looks at me, various emotions flickering across her face, making it impossible to read her.
I inhale sharply and go on, "I don't want you to be alone tonight."
She scans my face, before shaking her head, "I have Francie and what about Sloane? There's no telling the mess I've already made. I may have blown my cover, endangered both our lives."
I shrug. "What's done is done. You're not going to make anything worse by staying the night."
I can see the uncertainty in her eyes, but it soon gives way to the pain she's carrying. She silently nods her head.
Without a word, I sit down on the couch and she takes her place beside me. We sit in silence for what seems like hours before she gently places her head on my shoulder, the gesture made hesitantly and with some uncertainty. In time, I place my arm around her shoulder, marveling at how she seems to fit perfectly.
We simply sit in silence, the only sound coming from her soft cries.
All I can do is hold her and hope it's enough.
********************************THE END********************************
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know you thought ~Steph
Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)
Category: Drama/Romance
Pairing: Sydney/Vaughn
Spoilers: "Rendezvous".
POV: Vaughn
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Sydney shows up at Vaughn's apartment after suffering a terrible shock.
Note: This story takes place sometime after Will found out about Sydney's double life. The events in the finale don't play a part, so you can just pretend they didn't happen. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought :) ~Steph
* * *In His Arms: Part 1/1 * * *
I lie awake in bed and watch my digital clock change from 1:13 to 1:14. This is how my nights have been ever since I met her.
I lie awake at night and watch the time pass. I count down the minutes till I'll see her again.
I squeeze my eyes shut and see her face...her beautiful face.
I roll over and run my hand over the area next to me. I try to imagine her figure lying beside me, her lips curled into a smile, eyes locked on mine.
Sometimes, lost in my impossible dreams, I'll reach out to her...only to grasp air.
I've cursed the day I met her a thousand times. If only we'd met under different circumstances, at some other time, on some other day...things might be different.
She could be mine.
It doesn't seem fair. I've dated my share of women and not one could hold a candle to Sydney.
Why is it that the one woman I can't live without is the one woman I can't have?
It's the cruelest of fates. Destined to love from afar.
I roll back over and look at the clock again. 1:17. I wonder what Sydney is doing right now.
I shake my head. Probably sleeping, you idiot. She's probably sleeping like a baby, thoughts of me a million miles away. I doubt I've ever kept her up for even a minute.
She's kept me up countless nights...Whether I am worrying about her while she's away on a mission or simply thinking about her, Sydney Bristow's turned me into an insomniac.
I am just about to click on the television to find an infomercial that will put me to sleep when I hear my doorbell ring.
I shoot straight up in bed. Who the hell is ringing my bell at 1 o'clock in the morning?
I throw my covers aside and jump out of bed. The doorbell rings a few more times, each ring seems to sound more urgent in nature. I don't bother to throw on a t-shirt and walk to the door in just my boxers.
I peer through the peephole and am stunned to see Sydney standing outside my door. I quickly throw the door open, noticing her appearance for the first time. She is soaking wet. Her clothes are sopping and her hair hangs limp around her face, stray pieces plastered across her cheek and forehead. Her makeup is smudged, mascara streaming down her face.
And she is crying. The tears mix with the water dripping from her hair and most wouldn't even be able to tell she is crying. But I can.
I reach out to her and usher her inside, closing the door behind me with my foot. I am filled with a million questions, the first and most important being why she'd risk her cover and come over here. But I know that my first priority is to make sure she's all right.
I lead her over to the couch and try to make her sit down, but she moves away from me. She walks over to the mantle over the fireplace and points at a picture of my mother and younger brother, Matt.
"You have a nice family," she says so softly I barely hear her.
"Thank you," I respond, as I come to stand by her side. I eye her, noting how she seems to be staring blankly at the picture.
She abruptly turns around and swivels her head to view the entire living room. "I like your apartment."
I don't respond. Instead, I walk over to the couch and remove a blanket that's draped over it. I move to her and gently place the blanket around her shaking figure. I feel her briefly flinch beneath my touch, but then relax.
"Sydney," I say soothingly, "Come sit down on the couch."
She turns to me and our eyes meet, but something is missing. It's as if she's looking right through me.
I place one hand on her back and guide her to the couch. She slowly sits down and I sit down next to her. She moves her eyes to her hands and I have to touch her face to get her to look at me.
"Do you want anything? Maybe a cup of coffee?" she nods, but doesn't really seem to hear me.
I try to smile comfortingly. "Okay, I'll be right back."
I walk to the kitchen and put a fresh pot of coffee on. I then proceed to pace back and forth, my mind a racing blur. I stop in front of the telephone and pause. I hesitantly lift my hand and pick up the phone, slowly dialing the familiar number.
After a few rings, he answers in a groggy, grumpy voice. "What?"
"Eric, it's me, Mike."
"Mike? What the hell are you calling me for in the middle of the night?!" Weiss's voice is still groggy, but with a new irritated dimension.
"Sydney's here."
"Where?"
"My apartment! Where the hell do you think?!" I reply in a harsh whisper.
A long pause ensues and when he speaks again he seems completely lucid. "Okay, listen to me, Mike. I know you have a thing for her. You have feelings for her and I can sympathize with that, but you can't do this. Do you have any idea the kind of risk you'd be taking?"
I pull the phone away from my ear for a second and offer it a thoroughly confused expression. I shake my head. "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What did you think I called about? To let you know that Sydney and I were going to...you know? To ask your permission? To seek advice? Have you talk me out of it?"
The confusion is evident in his voice. "That's not why you-..."
"No! She showed up here on her own, Weiss. She's soaking wet, just a mess, and acting really strange. She hasn't said anything of substance and she looks like she might be in a state of shock."
"Vaughn, you have to get her out of there. In her state, there's no telling if anyone followed her. Her cover might already be blown."
"I can't just send her away. Something's wrong." I pause and say softly, "I have to help her."
If it's possible, I hear him shake his head disapprovingly. "Mike, you're in way over your head. This can only end badly. If Devlin finds out about this, you're probably done...For good this time."
I sigh. "That's just a chance I have to take." I then hang up without waiting for his reply.
A moment later, the coffee is ready. I fill a cup for her and take it into the living room. I stop when I see her standing at the window, staring out into the night.
I continue over to her and stand beside her.
"The city looks so beautiful at night, so peaceful. You'd never know that anything bad could have...."
Her voice trails off and she turns to me, silently taking the cup of coffee. She then moves to the couch and sits down. I take a seat next to her and watch as she drains the cup. My eyes scan her shivering figure and I have to force myself not to pull her into my arms.
I swallow hard. "Do you want to change out of those wet clothes? It'd help you feel warmer."
She nods her reply.
"Okay, I think I have a t-shirt and some sweats around here somewhere. I'll be right back."
I return to my bedroom, quickly rifling through the drawers until I find a t-shirt and an old pair of sweatpants. I also stop to place a t- shirt on, suddenly conscious of the fact that I am half-naked in Sydney's presence...Not a good thing.
I go back into the living room and hand her the clothes. "I hope these will be all right. I'm sure they're way too big, but they should do."
She smiles warmly at me and, for the first time tonight, I see a glimpse of the woman I've come to love.
"Thank you," she says softly.
I nod and point down the hall. "The bathroom is down the hall, first door on the left. There are towels in the linen closet if you'd like to dry off. Feel free to use whatever you want in there."
She gets up without a word and heads in that direction. Ten minutes later, she emerges from the bathroom.
My eyes land on her and for a moment my breath catches in my chest.
I've imagined this so many times. Sydney Bristow wearing my clothes and walking towards me.
My faded Kings t-shirt swims on her slim figure and you could fit two of her in the sweatpants, but she still manages to look unbelievably beautiful.
"Are the clothes all right?" I ask, my voice cracking, as she comes to sit next to me.
She nods, as she pushes some damp hair behind her ears. "They're fine. Thanks again."
I study her for a moment, noting a change from earlier. She seems to be more herself now. The shock from whatever's happened seems to be wearing off.
She lowers her eyes and fingers the t-shirt.
"Sydney," I begin quietly, "Can you tell me what happened?"
She remains silent, her attention squarely focused on the t-shirt.
I try again. "Why did you come here?"
She responds without meeting my eyes. "I know I shouldn't have come here."
"No, no, it's okay," I reply reassuringly.
She shakes her head, lifting her eyes to meet mine for the first time. "No, it's not. I know the risk...I just wasn't thinking straight."
I lick my lips. "Why weren't you thinking straight? Please, Sydney, tell me what happened."
She averts her gaze again and begins slowly. "I got this message on my answering machine from Will tonight. He asked me to meet him at this new club by the water, Aquarius. He said he was going there around 10:30 and for me to come whenever I got the message. He'd been talking about this place for a while, kept saying he wanted to go there. And it wasn't unlike him to call me up at the last minute and try to set something up. He knew how crazy my schedule was and he was always trying to make time for us to spend together." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "I got the message really late and didn't show up until after 11:30. I didn't see his car in the parking lot, so I thought that maybe he got tired of waiting and left. I drove around to a side street to see if maybe he'd parked there and I saw his car. I then parked behind his car and went inside the club. I looked all around the club for Will, but I couldn't find him. I decided to try this patio area they have that overlooks the water. I went outside to see if he was out there, but still couldn't find him. I was just about to go back inside, when I caught sight of something in the water. I walked to the railing and peered over. About ten yards or so, I saw a...body floating and I..." She stops and swallows back a sob. The tears are falling freely down her face, but she pays them no attention. "I...I just jumped in and I swam to it...him. I turned him over and saw that it was Will. The rest is a blur. I think someone jumped in and helped me pull his body out of the water. I...I don't know. I was so shocked that I sat there for what seemed like hours and then just got in my car and drove off. I'm not even sure how long I was driving or where I went, I just know I ended up here."
I stare at her in shock for a few long moments, before moving closer to her. I open my arms and her body falls into mine. She places her head on my shoulder and wraps her arms around me, her nails digging into my back as if holding on for dear life. I cup her head with my right hand and rub her back with my left.
I speak as softly and soothingly as I can manage, "I am so sorry, Sydney. I am so sorry."
She pulls back abruptly and roughly wipes at her cheeks with the back of her hand. "I shouldn't have come here. I remembered your address from some piece of paper I saw at the office ages ago and I just found myself driving here. I didn't even pay attention to see if anyone followed me, I didn't take all of the precautions I know I am supposed to take. I just needed someone...I needed you."
I tentatively lift my hand up and place it on her cheek. "It's okay, I understand. We'll deal with all of that later. Right now, you just need some time."
Sydney shakes her head sharply, her eyes flaring. "It was Sloane, you know. He set it all up. He had someone force Will to leave that message; he wanted me to find him."
I run a hand across my forehead. "He must have found out that Will knew about you working for SD-6."
She nods, her eyes clouding with a million emotions. "And he killed Will just like he did Danny...All because of me."
I can see the guilt floating in her eyes and I can tell it'll swallow her alive if she lets it.
"This isn't your fault, Sydney."
She laughs mirthlessly, "Oh yeah? Then whose fault is it, Vaughn? Is it Will's? He was too curious...He cared about me too much, so he deserved to die."
I lower my eyes. "You know that's not what I meant."
She sighs. "I know, but this is my fault. Will is...was my friend, one of my best friends and all he ever wanted me to be was safe and happy. That's all. And it got him killed, Vaughn. He died because of what I do."
I squeeze my eyes shut, before speaking. "I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but what you do is some much bigger-..."
"Than me," she finishes. "I know the spiel, Vaughn. I've heard it a million times. I've recited it to myself a million times. I've tried to make myself understand that what I do saves countless lives and protects this nation, but every single time I come back to the same question. Why do the people I love have to die because of it? It's too high a price to pay and I am sick of it."
"Sydney-..." I begin softly, but she cuts me off.
Her eyes take on a faraway look as she goes on, "He loved me, you know. I mean, he was in love with me. It was this unspoken thing between us. We'd kissed a couple of times and each time it felt strange; it just wasn't right. I always felt so bad because I knew he wanted more and I couldn't give it to him. But, in the end, all he really wanted me to be was happy."
"He wouldn't blame you for this, Sydney," I reply quietly.
She nods, "You're right, he wouldn't. He would have understood. You should have seen how he reacted after he found out about my life. He didn't ask any questions. He just said he loved me. I'd lied to him for as long as I can remember, I'd betrayed him, I'd put his life in danger...and none of it mattered. He loved me anyway."
"He seemed like a great guy. I wish I'd had the chance to meet him," I say as I look at the broken woman before me, my heart aching for her.
How much pain is she supposed to endure before she can't stand it anymore? Why can't she have even a few moments of peace and happiness?
She smiles slightly, "He was a great guy." Her smile soon gives way to a frown, "And he didn't deserve to die that way...He didn't deserve to die."
"You can avenge Will's death, just like Danny's, by continuing to do what you've been doing. You can use your pain over Will's death and turn into something positive, Sydney. Then, at least, it won't seem so senseless and he won't have died in vain."
She shakes her head wearily, "I can't do it anymore, Vaughn. I am so tired of this life. I am tired of all the dishonesty. I just want one honest relationship, a few moments of truth."
She lifts her head and meets my eyes. My voice emerges softly. "You have me, Sydney. What we have is honest."
She laughs bitterly. "Is it really?"
"I know we have to meet in private and we have to pretend not to- ..."
"No," she says sharply, cutting me off. There's a new look in her eye...A look I haven't seen before. "I mean we haven't been honest with each other...about us."
My eyes widen. "I...I don't understand."
She inches her way closer to me, a boldness in her eyes. She whispers, "We haven't been anywhere close to honest with each other."
That's the last thing she says before her lips crash into mine. The kiss is feverish, her lips pressing hard into mine, tongue exploring my mouth with reckless abandon. I can barely keep up with her.
I hardly have time to comprehend that my dream is coming true. All of this time, I've wanted her...I've wanted to hold her, kiss her, make love to her. I just never imagined it would happen like this.
I can feel her hands move to my back and she begins to lift my shirt. Her lips move to my neck and the feeling is so incredible I almost can't stand it.
And then, just like that, I realize this isn't right...I realize I don't want it to happen like this. I want her, I want her more than I could ever hope to express, but not like this...Not when she is grieving for her friend, riddled with guilt, looking for something, anything, to take away the pain...if only for a moment.
I want all of her...and I want her for the right reasons at the right time.
It takes all of the strength I can muster to push her away.
She pulls back and looks into my eyes. "What's wrong?"
"This, Sydney. This is wrong."
"What? You don't want this? I thought-..."
I shake my head sharply. "No, I do want this. I want it more than you'll ever know, but not like this...Not when you're like this. You don't want it either, Sydney, not now."
Her jaw tightens and she moves away, sitting farther down the couch. "I am so sick of people telling me what I want and what I don't want. I am so tired of everyone controlling my life."
"That's not what I'm trying to do," I say weakly.
She wipes at a tear and says softly, "I'm just so tired of pretending. I can't pretend with you, too. Not anymore."
I take a deep breath. "You don't have a choice. We don't have a choice. I wish things could be different, but, for now, they can't be. Someday it won't be this way."
She turns to me, her eyes piercing mine. "Someday it might be too late."
Our gaze holds for a moment, before we both look away.
Her words echo in my ears and for a few moments I am filled with regret, fearing that I may have lost my only chance to be with her.
After all, neither one of us knows what lies ahead. Every time we say goodbye, I know it could be the last time I see her. Her life is never out of danger and only time will tell what the future holds.
I may have just passed up my only chance of being with the woman of my dreams.
I am either the dumbest man on earth...or hopelessly in love with this woman.
I slowly lift my eyes up and say softly, "Look, being your handler, getting to know you, has been the best experience of my life. It's also been one of the hardest." She finally meets my eyes and I have to force myself not to look away. "I haven't been very good at hiding my feelings for you and if you didn't know how I feel about you already, then you probably do now. It's been so hard for me to try to be your handler, your friend, your confidant and not act on those feelings. The reason I haven't is because I know how important what you do is and I would never risk that. But that doesn't mean that I'm not waiting for the day when we can be more." I pause and swallow hard. "So don't tell me that someday it might be too late because the only thing that keeps me going, that gets me through one day to the next, is the hope that someday nothing will stand in our way."
She simply stares at me, seemingly taking in all that I've said. I suddenly feel guilty for dumping all of this on her when she is in such a fragile state. I just couldn't help myself; it was something I needed to say.
She finally averts her gaze and stands up abruptly. "I should be going. I never should have come here and I certainly shouldn't have stayed this long."
I stand up and shake my head. "Don't go."
She looks at me, various emotions flickering across her face, making it impossible to read her.
I inhale sharply and go on, "I don't want you to be alone tonight."
She scans my face, before shaking her head, "I have Francie and what about Sloane? There's no telling the mess I've already made. I may have blown my cover, endangered both our lives."
I shrug. "What's done is done. You're not going to make anything worse by staying the night."
I can see the uncertainty in her eyes, but it soon gives way to the pain she's carrying. She silently nods her head.
Without a word, I sit down on the couch and she takes her place beside me. We sit in silence for what seems like hours before she gently places her head on my shoulder, the gesture made hesitantly and with some uncertainty. In time, I place my arm around her shoulder, marveling at how she seems to fit perfectly.
We simply sit in silence, the only sound coming from her soft cries.
All I can do is hold her and hope it's enough.
********************************THE END********************************
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know you thought ~Steph