I stumbled into my apartment the minute I heard the lock click. I
fell over almost immediately. Because I was too lazy to get up and close
the door, I kicked it shut with my foot. I lay on the floor for what felt
like an hour before finally getting up, locking the door, and heading
towards my bedroom. I flopped down on the bed and commenced having an
argument, in my head, with my cat.
I don't wanna get up for work tomorrow. You have to. No I don't, I'll call
in sick. Yes you do, otherwise that's lying. Oh shut up.
The cat won. I groaned and curled up into a tight ball. I was too
tired to really care. Except for when the cat tried to curl up next to me.
"Think not, buddy. You've earned yourself a spot on the couch,
Acacia." The cat meowed loudly in protest as I pushed her off. "Darn right
I'm irritated," I told her. The cat pranced out of my room, tail held high.
I closed my eyes, moaned and started to fall asleep. That is, until someone
decided to pound on my door.
"Acacia, can you get that?" I called. The pounding grew louder.
"Fine, you lazy cat, I'll get it myself!" I shouted as I hauled myself out
of bed. I turned the lock and opened the door. Standing outside was a tall
blonde man, wearing strange clothing, although I was sure I looked very
strange in my wrinkled clothing.
"Excuse me, but are you Jivi Elveleg?" asked the man. I blinked once
or twice, shook my head and then answered.
"Um, yeah, but Jivi is just a nickname. My real name is Telkemenien,
but I guess you can call me Jivi. Whatever works. So, um, why are you here
at...one in the morning?" I asked. I mean, if it was someone I knew, I would
know why they were at my doorstep at an un-Godly hour.
"You are in danger. You must come with me," said the man. I raised an
eyebrow.
"Um, okay, no offense or anything, but I don't think I even know you
so...um, no."
"Okay, you leave me no choice," he said. He threw me over his
shoulder and picked me up.
"Um...okay. Come Acacia," I shouted to the open door of my apartment.
My cat raced out and leapt into my out stretched arms. "Good kitty," I
said. She promptly fell asleep. "Oh, yes, you are a comfort," I said
sarcastically. The man turned his head to look over his shoulder at me.
"Um, milady, if you don't mind me asking, who are you talking to?" he
asked.
"My cat." The man shrugged. "Could we be a bit more gentle, please?"
I held my cat tight as we went down the stairs. "So, where are we going?" I
asked. Stupid question really.
"Some place safe," was the hasty reply.
"Um... right, could you put me down? I'll go willingly, but I like to
go on my own two feet. I can be a pain when provoked and the only reason
you've been having such an easy time getting me out of here is because I'm
half-asleep, but let me assure you, I can become fully awake in two seconds
flat." The man grunted in amusement and put me down gently. We got to the
bottom of the stairs and we walked out the door. Some how, I knew this man
wasn't going to hurt me, but he was still creeping me out. He whistled for
something and we stood there, waiting, the man looking up and down the
streets while I shifted nervously. "Well...what's your name?" I asked.
"Legolas Greenleaf." More nervous shifting. Why do I always get
nervous around guys I don't know? Geez, and my friends all call me a
tomboy. Suddenly, a gorgeous horse galloped up to them. "Oh, it's
beautiful!" I exclaimed, then instantly berated myself. Ugh, he's going to
take personal pride in the beauty of his horse. But, surprisingly, he
didn't.
"It's a good thing you like him, because we will be riding him to
Mirkwood," Legolas said. I gasped.
"Mirkwood as in Middle-Earth Mirkwood?" I was in dreamland. "You're
kidding right? I mean, that's, you know, a made up place," I said. Legolas
gave me a strange look. He got on the horse and held out a hand. I put down
Acacia, took it and was about to get on the horse when I heard a crinkling
in my pocket. I pulled out a handful of candy.
"Oohh, sugar! I think I'll need this later." Legolas yanked me up on
the horse. "Okay, okay, just being grateful that I'm forgetful." Legolas
kicked the horse into a gallop. We headed fast towards a cliff that over
looked the sea near my home. I locked my arms around his waist. The horse
jumped. I buried my face in his back. "Oh, my God, you're suicidal and
homicidal! If I'm stuck with you for all of eternity I'm going to use cruel
and unusual torment to get you back for killing me! I still have my CD
player and CD book hooked to my belt and I will make you listen to boy band
pop music and Britney Spears for the rest of your days!" I screamed.
Legolas ignored me. For a moment I felt sick, cause I really don't want to
die. I mean, I know God is forgiving and all that, but what if he decides
to mess with my mind and send me to hell for a few days? Or what if he's
too forgiving and sends Legolas to heaven with me? And then, everything
stopped. I wasn't falling anymore. I leapt off the horse. "Okay, next time
I drive, got it?" I said. Again, Legolas ignored me. "FINE! Be that way!" I
said. Then I noticed that eight people were watching me. "Um, hello
Fellowship of the Ring. I'm uh, Jivi... um...yeah," I said stupidly. I could
practically see Legolas roll his eyes behind me. "Right, so...why am I here?"
I ask.
"Because you were in danger and Gandalf says that you are important."
I look around and see that everyone is sitting in front of Moria.
"Oh, yes. Let's keep me safe by dragging me into Moria! Brilliant! I
love it! And along the way, let's light my hair on fire and see if I can
run fast enough to put it out before it engulfs my entire body in flames!"
I say. The hobbits look frightened. The dwarf and the humans look amused.
Gandalf rolls his eyes. Legolas laughs.
"That would actually be fairly interesting..." said Legolas. I kick at
him.
"Oh, shut up." I sit down next to Gandalf. "So.. big G. Had any luck
getting into this place?" Gandalf looks at me strangely. You know. The look
I get from about everyone else.
"I do not appreciate your calling me 'big G' and no, I've had no
luck." I yawned, stretched my arms and legs, cracked my knuckles and
muttered lazily, just loud enough for the others to hear, "Mellon." The
door slides open. The whole Fellowship looked at me strangely. You know.
The look I get from about everyone else.
"Don't ask. You really don't want to know..." I told them. Thankfully,
they left it at that. Suddenly, just as I am about to walk into the mine,
something drops on me from the sky. "Oh!" I grunt as I am squished.
"Sorry, Jivi, didn't see you there," said a familiar voice. Very
suspicious. "Hello? Jivi? Are you all right?" asked the voice. Very, very
suspicious. The person gets up and holds out a hand.
"Hello, Mimi. Lovely weather we're having," I say. Mimi grins.
"I think you're okay, all previous mental conditions considered." I
giggle insanely and fall to the ground. The Fellowship gives me a strange
look. You know. The look I get from about everyone else. Mimi helps me up
and we walk inside.
"Soon master Elf, you will see the fabled hospitality of the
Dwarves!" Gimli and I say in unison. Gimli pauses and looks at me. "Go on,"
I prompt, then say everything with him. "Roaring fires, malt beer, ripe
meat of the bone," we say in unison. I stop after that, because I was
distracted by a pixie stick that fell out of my pocket. As I grab it, my
hand brushes something funny. I bend down to look at it. "And they call it
a mine. A mine!" says Gimli. I finally see that it's a skeleton.
"This is no mine. It's a tomb," says Boromir. Legolas pulls an arrow
out of a skeleton.
"Goblins," he says, tossing down that arrow, pulling out one of his
own and fitting it to his bow string. I freak out and scream. Mimi hits me.
I remember that Frodo is going to be attacked soon and I run back to the
hobbits.
"Frodo, stay close to me," I say, then mutter along with Boromir. "We
should never have come here. We make for the Gap of Rohan. Get out of here,
get out!" Frodo gives me a strange look. You know. The look...okay, I'll
stop, but only because I think I have officially killed that joke. Everyone
starts to back up. I feel a tentacle wrap around my leg. I get pulled back.
"Ah, whiplash!" I yell, everyone turns around. The hobbits grab me as I'm
pulled towards the water. Sam takes out a sword and starts hacking away at
the tentacle. "Help!" I squeak. The tentacle lets go. Everyone relaxes,
except for me. Suddenly, a lot more tentacles come flying up out of the
water and slap away the hobbits. Then they grab me again. "Ah!" I cry as I
rise up into the air. "I TOLD you this was a bad idea!" I scream. The
tentacle shakes me. "Ahu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u," I say as my teeth rattle. I see
Boromir and Aragorn slashing at the tentacle, with Legolas shooting at the
thing. "Oh! Right! I see! Let's make it more mad! That's the ticket! Why
don't I bite it?!?!" I shout. They ignore me. "FINE! I will!" I twist
around so that I can bite the thing. I bit it hard. It shakes me again. My
head starts to hurt from me being upside down. "I'm sorry, but since you
guys all suck, I have to do this to save myself," I shout. Odd looks from
Fellowship. I start screeching, sounding just like my brother. I, I am
proud to say, can at least sing decently, but right now I had to sing like
my brother.
"Now I will tell you what I've done for you!
Fifty thousand tears I've cried!
Screaming, Deceiving and Bleeding for you!
And you still won't hear me!
I'm Going Under!
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself!
Maybe I'll wake up for once!
Not tormented daily defeated by you!
Just when I'd thought I'd reached the bottom!
I'm dying again!
I'm going under!
Drowning in you!
I'm falling for ever!
I've got to break through!
I'm going under!
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies!
So I don't what's real and what's not!
Always confusing the thoughts in my head!
So I can't trust myself anymore!
I'm dying again!
I'm going under!
I'm drowning in you!
I'm falling forever!
I've got to break through!
So go on and scream!
Scream at me I'm so far away!
I won't be broken again!
I've got to breath I can't keep going under!
The thing dropped me into the water with a splash. Aragorn grabbed me and
dragged me into the caves. The thing pursued, making the doors crumble. At
first everything was dark, but then Gandalf made a crystal light up and put
it on the end of his staff. Hehe. *Makes air quotes* "Staff!" Hehe. Mimi
and I start gibbering in the back.
(Switch to Movie Script)
Jivi: Je avoir confire! (I have candy!)
Mimi: Je vouloir confire! (I want candy!)
Jivi: Non! (No!)
Mimi: S`il vous plait?! (Please?!)
Jivi: Non! Non! Non! (No! No! No!)
Mimi: *Switches to Italian* *Attacks Jivi* Dare me che candire! (Give me
that candy)
Jivi: *Still in French* NON! (NO!)
Mimi: Zucchero candito! (Sugar!)
Jivi: *In Dutch* Dat van mij! (That is mine! Or Mine!)
Gandalf: Quiet!
Mimi & Jivi: Ja, Herr Gandalf! *Maniac giggling issues from both girls.*
*Groans from various members of the Fellowship.*
Jivi: Banana peel.
Mimi: Banana!
*Fellowship comes to a bridge over empty air.*
Jivi: Answer me these questions three, ere the other side ye see! Halt!
What is your name?
Mimi: Sir Mimiyeta of Camelot!
Jivi: What is your quest?
Mimi: I seek the Mountain of Doom!
Jivi: What...is your favorite color?
Mimi: Blue!
Jivi: Right, off you go then!
Mimi: Why thank you. Thank you very much. Danke!
Jivi: Willkommen!
Merry: Oh, good, they're going to start chattering in another language
again...
Mimi: Halt! Who goes there?
Jivi: It is I, Arthur, son of Otha Pendragon, from the Castle of Camelot.
King of the Britons, Defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of All England.
Mimi: Who's the other one?
Jivi: I am and this is my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length
and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me at my court
in Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Mimi: What, ridden on a horse?
Jivi: Yes.
Mimi: You're using coconuts.
Jivi: What?
Mimi: You've got two empty halves of a coconut and you're banging them
together.
Jivi: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.
Through the kingdom of Mercia, through-
Mimi: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Jivi: We found them.
Mimi: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical!
Jivi: What do you mean?
Mimi: Well, this is a temperate zone!
Legolas: *To Aragorn* Think they're going to stop soon?
Aragorn: Nope.
Jivi: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the
plumber may seek warm climates in the winter. Yet these are not strangers
to our lands.
Mimi: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Jivi: Not at all. They could be carried.
Mimi: What? A swallow, carrying coconut?
Jivi: It could grip it by the husk.
Mimi: It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple question of
weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
Jivi: Well, it doesn't matter. Could you please tell your master that
Arthur from the court of Camelot is here?!
Mimi: Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow must flap
his wings forty-three times every second, right?
Jivi: Please!
Mimi: Am I right?
Jivi: I'm not interested,
Mimi: It could be carried by an African Swallow. Oh, an African swallow,
maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.
Jivi: Hehe. Swallow. Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Mimi: I feel happy! I feel happy! Uff!
Jivi: See you on Thursday!
Fellowship:...
Mimi: CANDY! * Viciously attacks Jivi.*
Legolas: What do you think makes them do that?
Frodo: Sugar.
Pippin: Well, yeah, it's food. I'd attack anyone for food.
Mimi: Oh, well she turned me into a newt!
Jivi: A newt?
Mimi: Well, I got better.
Jivi: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
Mimi: Burn 'em!
Jivi: And what else do you burn?
Mimi & Jivi: More witches!
Jivi: So, how do we find out if she's made of wood?
Mimi: Build a bridge out of her!
Jivi: Ah, but do you not also make bridges out of stone?
Mimi: Throw her in to the pond!
Jivi: But what else floats?
Mimi: A duck!
Jivi: So logically...*Waves hand*
Mimi: If she weighs the same as a duck... she's a witch!
Jivi: To the scales!
Boromir: Will you two shut up?
Jivi: Stone him!
Boromir:*Looks freaked out and frightened*
Mimi: Look, all I said was 'That piece of fish was good enough for
Jehovah.'
Jivi: Ah! You're only making things worse for yourself!
Mimi: Worse!? How could it get worse? I'm being stoned to death! Jehovah,
Jehovah, Jehovah!
Jivi: Ah! Blasphemer!
*Giggles heard from Hobbits, who are officially freaked out. They decided
that if they couldn't beat 'em, join 'em.*
DragonJivi: Hello girls! Having fun I see.
Jivi: Hello Authoress! We are having fun. Can we have some fun gadgets?
Mimi: Oooo, yay yay yay yay yay!
DragonJivi: I can do you one better! How about sharp and pointy fun
gadgets?
Mimi & Jivi: Oooooo!
*Two swords, two bows, two quivers full of arrows and two sets of long
knives fall from the sky.* *Fellowship looks around to see who the girls
are talking too, because, of course, they can't hear DragonJivi, the Author
of this fine fanfic.* *Fellowship then tries to see where the weapons came
from.*
Mimi & Jivi: Thank you, Authoress.
DragonJivi: No problem. Bye!
Mimi & Jivi: Bye! *Fellowship is still trying to see who they are talking
to*
Legolas: What was that?
Jivi: The world will never know.
Mimi: Do you have Tootsie Pops?!?!
Jivi: Mine, I tell you, mine!
Mimi: CAAAAAAANDYYYYYYY!
Jivi: Back, I say, back!
*An exasperated Legolas grabs Jivi, throws her over his shoulder and
carries her over the bridge, followed by Aragorn, who was dragging Mimi*
Jivi: *Looking over Legolas's shoulder* I shall call him...*puts pinky to
mouth* MiniLeggsy. *Legolas rolls his eyes*
Mimi: So, do you know anyone named Mr. Evil?
Jivi: I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.
Mimi: Oh, really? I said 'Mr. Evil.' Would you like a Mr. Pepper?
Jivi: I'd love a Dr. Pepper.
Mimi: Really? I said 'Mr. Pepper'.
Aragorn:...
Jivi: Riiiiight.
Mimi: Candy?
Jivi: How 'bout no Scott? Okay?
Mimi: MiniMe *Nervous laughter* stop humping the laser. For God's sake, why
don't you and the frickin' laser get a frickin' room?
Jivi: Okay, that was the freakiest thing I've ever seen.
Mimi: Candy? Candy? CANDY!?
Jivi: I got a whole bag full of 'shh' with your name on it.
Kenshin: What's going on?
Mimi: Kenshin!
Jivi: Isn't he cute? *Legolas drops her* *Runs over and hugs Kenshin*
Kenshin: Oro?
Mimi: *Pinches his cheeks* Pretty Kenshin!
Fellowship: (Collective thought) Poor guy. At least they're off our case,
for now.
Kenshin: Why am I here instead of in Tokyo?
DragonJivi: Because the authoress says so! Now, go participate in the
silliness that'll I'll have to go fix later because it screws up the plot.
Kenshin: Oro...?
Jivi: Look! There it is!
Mimi: What, behind the rurouni?
Jivi:... it is the rurouni!
Mimi: You silly sod. I almost soiled my armor I was so scared!
Jivi: That's no ordinary rurouni! It's got teeth like... it leap like... look
at the bones!
Mimi: Right, Boris, go chop its head off. *Switches to a deeper voice*
Right, one rurouni stew coming right up! *Makes squealing noises* Jesus H.
Christ!
Jivi: I warned you. I warned you, but did you listen? Oh, no, it's always
the same, I always tell them...
Mimi: Shut up. Charge! Run away Run away
Jivi: *Laughs hysterically*
Kenshin: O...ro?
Jivi: Isn't he so cute when he says Oro?
Mimi: ORORORORORORORORO! *Slams into a wall* Oh!
Jivi: Hehehehehehehehe!
Kenshin: Uh...
Mimi: AH! ORO!
Jivi: o.O Right...
Mimi:...
Legolas: Okay, I'm officially scared.
Kenshin: I think I'll refrain from saying that from now on.
Jivi: Saying what?
Kenshin: Oro.
Mimi & Jivi: Oro! ORORORORORORORORORORO- *Run into cave troll, who looks
seriously freaked out, along with the fellowship*
Jivi: Ah! It's Godzilla! Well, it's cave troll!
Mimi: It looks like a cave troll, but due to international copyright laws,
it's not.
Jivi: Still, we should run like it is a cave troll!
Mimi: Though it isn't.
Mimi & Jivi: Ah!
*Fellowship, Kenshin, and Cave Troll stare wide eyed as the girls run
around screaming and eventually smack into each other.*
Kenshin: Are they like this... all the time?
Fellowship: Yes.
DragonJivi: I think it's time to smite my two little characters and fix the
plot that I just screwed up...
Gandalf: No wonder there weren't any girls in the Fellowship originally.
DragonJivi: Did this story originally start with a plot? Oh, well... * A huge
hand comes from the sky and snatches up Mimi and Jivi, who look mournful,
because the authoress can not take either Legolas or Kenshin with them, as
neither Rurouni Kenshin nor The Lord of The Rings belong to her*
The End! Or Maybe Not!
fell over almost immediately. Because I was too lazy to get up and close
the door, I kicked it shut with my foot. I lay on the floor for what felt
like an hour before finally getting up, locking the door, and heading
towards my bedroom. I flopped down on the bed and commenced having an
argument, in my head, with my cat.
I don't wanna get up for work tomorrow. You have to. No I don't, I'll call
in sick. Yes you do, otherwise that's lying. Oh shut up.
The cat won. I groaned and curled up into a tight ball. I was too
tired to really care. Except for when the cat tried to curl up next to me.
"Think not, buddy. You've earned yourself a spot on the couch,
Acacia." The cat meowed loudly in protest as I pushed her off. "Darn right
I'm irritated," I told her. The cat pranced out of my room, tail held high.
I closed my eyes, moaned and started to fall asleep. That is, until someone
decided to pound on my door.
"Acacia, can you get that?" I called. The pounding grew louder.
"Fine, you lazy cat, I'll get it myself!" I shouted as I hauled myself out
of bed. I turned the lock and opened the door. Standing outside was a tall
blonde man, wearing strange clothing, although I was sure I looked very
strange in my wrinkled clothing.
"Excuse me, but are you Jivi Elveleg?" asked the man. I blinked once
or twice, shook my head and then answered.
"Um, yeah, but Jivi is just a nickname. My real name is Telkemenien,
but I guess you can call me Jivi. Whatever works. So, um, why are you here
at...one in the morning?" I asked. I mean, if it was someone I knew, I would
know why they were at my doorstep at an un-Godly hour.
"You are in danger. You must come with me," said the man. I raised an
eyebrow.
"Um, okay, no offense or anything, but I don't think I even know you
so...um, no."
"Okay, you leave me no choice," he said. He threw me over his
shoulder and picked me up.
"Um...okay. Come Acacia," I shouted to the open door of my apartment.
My cat raced out and leapt into my out stretched arms. "Good kitty," I
said. She promptly fell asleep. "Oh, yes, you are a comfort," I said
sarcastically. The man turned his head to look over his shoulder at me.
"Um, milady, if you don't mind me asking, who are you talking to?" he
asked.
"My cat." The man shrugged. "Could we be a bit more gentle, please?"
I held my cat tight as we went down the stairs. "So, where are we going?" I
asked. Stupid question really.
"Some place safe," was the hasty reply.
"Um... right, could you put me down? I'll go willingly, but I like to
go on my own two feet. I can be a pain when provoked and the only reason
you've been having such an easy time getting me out of here is because I'm
half-asleep, but let me assure you, I can become fully awake in two seconds
flat." The man grunted in amusement and put me down gently. We got to the
bottom of the stairs and we walked out the door. Some how, I knew this man
wasn't going to hurt me, but he was still creeping me out. He whistled for
something and we stood there, waiting, the man looking up and down the
streets while I shifted nervously. "Well...what's your name?" I asked.
"Legolas Greenleaf." More nervous shifting. Why do I always get
nervous around guys I don't know? Geez, and my friends all call me a
tomboy. Suddenly, a gorgeous horse galloped up to them. "Oh, it's
beautiful!" I exclaimed, then instantly berated myself. Ugh, he's going to
take personal pride in the beauty of his horse. But, surprisingly, he
didn't.
"It's a good thing you like him, because we will be riding him to
Mirkwood," Legolas said. I gasped.
"Mirkwood as in Middle-Earth Mirkwood?" I was in dreamland. "You're
kidding right? I mean, that's, you know, a made up place," I said. Legolas
gave me a strange look. He got on the horse and held out a hand. I put down
Acacia, took it and was about to get on the horse when I heard a crinkling
in my pocket. I pulled out a handful of candy.
"Oohh, sugar! I think I'll need this later." Legolas yanked me up on
the horse. "Okay, okay, just being grateful that I'm forgetful." Legolas
kicked the horse into a gallop. We headed fast towards a cliff that over
looked the sea near my home. I locked my arms around his waist. The horse
jumped. I buried my face in his back. "Oh, my God, you're suicidal and
homicidal! If I'm stuck with you for all of eternity I'm going to use cruel
and unusual torment to get you back for killing me! I still have my CD
player and CD book hooked to my belt and I will make you listen to boy band
pop music and Britney Spears for the rest of your days!" I screamed.
Legolas ignored me. For a moment I felt sick, cause I really don't want to
die. I mean, I know God is forgiving and all that, but what if he decides
to mess with my mind and send me to hell for a few days? Or what if he's
too forgiving and sends Legolas to heaven with me? And then, everything
stopped. I wasn't falling anymore. I leapt off the horse. "Okay, next time
I drive, got it?" I said. Again, Legolas ignored me. "FINE! Be that way!" I
said. Then I noticed that eight people were watching me. "Um, hello
Fellowship of the Ring. I'm uh, Jivi... um...yeah," I said stupidly. I could
practically see Legolas roll his eyes behind me. "Right, so...why am I here?"
I ask.
"Because you were in danger and Gandalf says that you are important."
I look around and see that everyone is sitting in front of Moria.
"Oh, yes. Let's keep me safe by dragging me into Moria! Brilliant! I
love it! And along the way, let's light my hair on fire and see if I can
run fast enough to put it out before it engulfs my entire body in flames!"
I say. The hobbits look frightened. The dwarf and the humans look amused.
Gandalf rolls his eyes. Legolas laughs.
"That would actually be fairly interesting..." said Legolas. I kick at
him.
"Oh, shut up." I sit down next to Gandalf. "So.. big G. Had any luck
getting into this place?" Gandalf looks at me strangely. You know. The look
I get from about everyone else.
"I do not appreciate your calling me 'big G' and no, I've had no
luck." I yawned, stretched my arms and legs, cracked my knuckles and
muttered lazily, just loud enough for the others to hear, "Mellon." The
door slides open. The whole Fellowship looked at me strangely. You know.
The look I get from about everyone else.
"Don't ask. You really don't want to know..." I told them. Thankfully,
they left it at that. Suddenly, just as I am about to walk into the mine,
something drops on me from the sky. "Oh!" I grunt as I am squished.
"Sorry, Jivi, didn't see you there," said a familiar voice. Very
suspicious. "Hello? Jivi? Are you all right?" asked the voice. Very, very
suspicious. The person gets up and holds out a hand.
"Hello, Mimi. Lovely weather we're having," I say. Mimi grins.
"I think you're okay, all previous mental conditions considered." I
giggle insanely and fall to the ground. The Fellowship gives me a strange
look. You know. The look I get from about everyone else. Mimi helps me up
and we walk inside.
"Soon master Elf, you will see the fabled hospitality of the
Dwarves!" Gimli and I say in unison. Gimli pauses and looks at me. "Go on,"
I prompt, then say everything with him. "Roaring fires, malt beer, ripe
meat of the bone," we say in unison. I stop after that, because I was
distracted by a pixie stick that fell out of my pocket. As I grab it, my
hand brushes something funny. I bend down to look at it. "And they call it
a mine. A mine!" says Gimli. I finally see that it's a skeleton.
"This is no mine. It's a tomb," says Boromir. Legolas pulls an arrow
out of a skeleton.
"Goblins," he says, tossing down that arrow, pulling out one of his
own and fitting it to his bow string. I freak out and scream. Mimi hits me.
I remember that Frodo is going to be attacked soon and I run back to the
hobbits.
"Frodo, stay close to me," I say, then mutter along with Boromir. "We
should never have come here. We make for the Gap of Rohan. Get out of here,
get out!" Frodo gives me a strange look. You know. The look...okay, I'll
stop, but only because I think I have officially killed that joke. Everyone
starts to back up. I feel a tentacle wrap around my leg. I get pulled back.
"Ah, whiplash!" I yell, everyone turns around. The hobbits grab me as I'm
pulled towards the water. Sam takes out a sword and starts hacking away at
the tentacle. "Help!" I squeak. The tentacle lets go. Everyone relaxes,
except for me. Suddenly, a lot more tentacles come flying up out of the
water and slap away the hobbits. Then they grab me again. "Ah!" I cry as I
rise up into the air. "I TOLD you this was a bad idea!" I scream. The
tentacle shakes me. "Ahu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u," I say as my teeth rattle. I see
Boromir and Aragorn slashing at the tentacle, with Legolas shooting at the
thing. "Oh! Right! I see! Let's make it more mad! That's the ticket! Why
don't I bite it?!?!" I shout. They ignore me. "FINE! I will!" I twist
around so that I can bite the thing. I bit it hard. It shakes me again. My
head starts to hurt from me being upside down. "I'm sorry, but since you
guys all suck, I have to do this to save myself," I shout. Odd looks from
Fellowship. I start screeching, sounding just like my brother. I, I am
proud to say, can at least sing decently, but right now I had to sing like
my brother.
"Now I will tell you what I've done for you!
Fifty thousand tears I've cried!
Screaming, Deceiving and Bleeding for you!
And you still won't hear me!
I'm Going Under!
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself!
Maybe I'll wake up for once!
Not tormented daily defeated by you!
Just when I'd thought I'd reached the bottom!
I'm dying again!
I'm going under!
Drowning in you!
I'm falling for ever!
I've got to break through!
I'm going under!
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies!
So I don't what's real and what's not!
Always confusing the thoughts in my head!
So I can't trust myself anymore!
I'm dying again!
I'm going under!
I'm drowning in you!
I'm falling forever!
I've got to break through!
So go on and scream!
Scream at me I'm so far away!
I won't be broken again!
I've got to breath I can't keep going under!
The thing dropped me into the water with a splash. Aragorn grabbed me and
dragged me into the caves. The thing pursued, making the doors crumble. At
first everything was dark, but then Gandalf made a crystal light up and put
it on the end of his staff. Hehe. *Makes air quotes* "Staff!" Hehe. Mimi
and I start gibbering in the back.
(Switch to Movie Script)
Jivi: Je avoir confire! (I have candy!)
Mimi: Je vouloir confire! (I want candy!)
Jivi: Non! (No!)
Mimi: S`il vous plait?! (Please?!)
Jivi: Non! Non! Non! (No! No! No!)
Mimi: *Switches to Italian* *Attacks Jivi* Dare me che candire! (Give me
that candy)
Jivi: *Still in French* NON! (NO!)
Mimi: Zucchero candito! (Sugar!)
Jivi: *In Dutch* Dat van mij! (That is mine! Or Mine!)
Gandalf: Quiet!
Mimi & Jivi: Ja, Herr Gandalf! *Maniac giggling issues from both girls.*
*Groans from various members of the Fellowship.*
Jivi: Banana peel.
Mimi: Banana!
*Fellowship comes to a bridge over empty air.*
Jivi: Answer me these questions three, ere the other side ye see! Halt!
What is your name?
Mimi: Sir Mimiyeta of Camelot!
Jivi: What is your quest?
Mimi: I seek the Mountain of Doom!
Jivi: What...is your favorite color?
Mimi: Blue!
Jivi: Right, off you go then!
Mimi: Why thank you. Thank you very much. Danke!
Jivi: Willkommen!
Merry: Oh, good, they're going to start chattering in another language
again...
Mimi: Halt! Who goes there?
Jivi: It is I, Arthur, son of Otha Pendragon, from the Castle of Camelot.
King of the Britons, Defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of All England.
Mimi: Who's the other one?
Jivi: I am and this is my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length
and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me at my court
in Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Mimi: What, ridden on a horse?
Jivi: Yes.
Mimi: You're using coconuts.
Jivi: What?
Mimi: You've got two empty halves of a coconut and you're banging them
together.
Jivi: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.
Through the kingdom of Mercia, through-
Mimi: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Jivi: We found them.
Mimi: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical!
Jivi: What do you mean?
Mimi: Well, this is a temperate zone!
Legolas: *To Aragorn* Think they're going to stop soon?
Aragorn: Nope.
Jivi: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the
plumber may seek warm climates in the winter. Yet these are not strangers
to our lands.
Mimi: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Jivi: Not at all. They could be carried.
Mimi: What? A swallow, carrying coconut?
Jivi: It could grip it by the husk.
Mimi: It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple question of
weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
Jivi: Well, it doesn't matter. Could you please tell your master that
Arthur from the court of Camelot is here?!
Mimi: Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow must flap
his wings forty-three times every second, right?
Jivi: Please!
Mimi: Am I right?
Jivi: I'm not interested,
Mimi: It could be carried by an African Swallow. Oh, an African swallow,
maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.
Jivi: Hehe. Swallow. Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Mimi: I feel happy! I feel happy! Uff!
Jivi: See you on Thursday!
Fellowship:...
Mimi: CANDY! * Viciously attacks Jivi.*
Legolas: What do you think makes them do that?
Frodo: Sugar.
Pippin: Well, yeah, it's food. I'd attack anyone for food.
Mimi: Oh, well she turned me into a newt!
Jivi: A newt?
Mimi: Well, I got better.
Jivi: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
Mimi: Burn 'em!
Jivi: And what else do you burn?
Mimi & Jivi: More witches!
Jivi: So, how do we find out if she's made of wood?
Mimi: Build a bridge out of her!
Jivi: Ah, but do you not also make bridges out of stone?
Mimi: Throw her in to the pond!
Jivi: But what else floats?
Mimi: A duck!
Jivi: So logically...*Waves hand*
Mimi: If she weighs the same as a duck... she's a witch!
Jivi: To the scales!
Boromir: Will you two shut up?
Jivi: Stone him!
Boromir:*Looks freaked out and frightened*
Mimi: Look, all I said was 'That piece of fish was good enough for
Jehovah.'
Jivi: Ah! You're only making things worse for yourself!
Mimi: Worse!? How could it get worse? I'm being stoned to death! Jehovah,
Jehovah, Jehovah!
Jivi: Ah! Blasphemer!
*Giggles heard from Hobbits, who are officially freaked out. They decided
that if they couldn't beat 'em, join 'em.*
DragonJivi: Hello girls! Having fun I see.
Jivi: Hello Authoress! We are having fun. Can we have some fun gadgets?
Mimi: Oooo, yay yay yay yay yay!
DragonJivi: I can do you one better! How about sharp and pointy fun
gadgets?
Mimi & Jivi: Oooooo!
*Two swords, two bows, two quivers full of arrows and two sets of long
knives fall from the sky.* *Fellowship looks around to see who the girls
are talking too, because, of course, they can't hear DragonJivi, the Author
of this fine fanfic.* *Fellowship then tries to see where the weapons came
from.*
Mimi & Jivi: Thank you, Authoress.
DragonJivi: No problem. Bye!
Mimi & Jivi: Bye! *Fellowship is still trying to see who they are talking
to*
Legolas: What was that?
Jivi: The world will never know.
Mimi: Do you have Tootsie Pops?!?!
Jivi: Mine, I tell you, mine!
Mimi: CAAAAAAANDYYYYYYY!
Jivi: Back, I say, back!
*An exasperated Legolas grabs Jivi, throws her over his shoulder and
carries her over the bridge, followed by Aragorn, who was dragging Mimi*
Jivi: *Looking over Legolas's shoulder* I shall call him...*puts pinky to
mouth* MiniLeggsy. *Legolas rolls his eyes*
Mimi: So, do you know anyone named Mr. Evil?
Jivi: I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.
Mimi: Oh, really? I said 'Mr. Evil.' Would you like a Mr. Pepper?
Jivi: I'd love a Dr. Pepper.
Mimi: Really? I said 'Mr. Pepper'.
Aragorn:...
Jivi: Riiiiight.
Mimi: Candy?
Jivi: How 'bout no Scott? Okay?
Mimi: MiniMe *Nervous laughter* stop humping the laser. For God's sake, why
don't you and the frickin' laser get a frickin' room?
Jivi: Okay, that was the freakiest thing I've ever seen.
Mimi: Candy? Candy? CANDY!?
Jivi: I got a whole bag full of 'shh' with your name on it.
Kenshin: What's going on?
Mimi: Kenshin!
Jivi: Isn't he cute? *Legolas drops her* *Runs over and hugs Kenshin*
Kenshin: Oro?
Mimi: *Pinches his cheeks* Pretty Kenshin!
Fellowship: (Collective thought) Poor guy. At least they're off our case,
for now.
Kenshin: Why am I here instead of in Tokyo?
DragonJivi: Because the authoress says so! Now, go participate in the
silliness that'll I'll have to go fix later because it screws up the plot.
Kenshin: Oro...?
Jivi: Look! There it is!
Mimi: What, behind the rurouni?
Jivi:... it is the rurouni!
Mimi: You silly sod. I almost soiled my armor I was so scared!
Jivi: That's no ordinary rurouni! It's got teeth like... it leap like... look
at the bones!
Mimi: Right, Boris, go chop its head off. *Switches to a deeper voice*
Right, one rurouni stew coming right up! *Makes squealing noises* Jesus H.
Christ!
Jivi: I warned you. I warned you, but did you listen? Oh, no, it's always
the same, I always tell them...
Mimi: Shut up. Charge! Run away Run away
Jivi: *Laughs hysterically*
Kenshin: O...ro?
Jivi: Isn't he so cute when he says Oro?
Mimi: ORORORORORORORORO! *Slams into a wall* Oh!
Jivi: Hehehehehehehehe!
Kenshin: Uh...
Mimi: AH! ORO!
Jivi: o.O Right...
Mimi:...
Legolas: Okay, I'm officially scared.
Kenshin: I think I'll refrain from saying that from now on.
Jivi: Saying what?
Kenshin: Oro.
Mimi & Jivi: Oro! ORORORORORORORORORORO- *Run into cave troll, who looks
seriously freaked out, along with the fellowship*
Jivi: Ah! It's Godzilla! Well, it's cave troll!
Mimi: It looks like a cave troll, but due to international copyright laws,
it's not.
Jivi: Still, we should run like it is a cave troll!
Mimi: Though it isn't.
Mimi & Jivi: Ah!
*Fellowship, Kenshin, and Cave Troll stare wide eyed as the girls run
around screaming and eventually smack into each other.*
Kenshin: Are they like this... all the time?
Fellowship: Yes.
DragonJivi: I think it's time to smite my two little characters and fix the
plot that I just screwed up...
Gandalf: No wonder there weren't any girls in the Fellowship originally.
DragonJivi: Did this story originally start with a plot? Oh, well... * A huge
hand comes from the sky and snatches up Mimi and Jivi, who look mournful,
because the authoress can not take either Legolas or Kenshin with them, as
neither Rurouni Kenshin nor The Lord of The Rings belong to her*
The End! Or Maybe Not!