A/N: Hey there boys and girls. Welcome to my new humour fic, cracking up Ocarina of Time! I had to re-start chapter seven of ToC, but it's not being discontinued.
Disclaimer: I do not own LoZ OoT.
The Legend of the Hermaphrodite: Ocarina of Limes
The evil drug addicted Kokiri and the talking tree
Long ago (a month or two to be exact) there was a fan fiction called The Legend of a Lesbian: Twilight on Crack. The author had played more Zelda games since ToC and had an unnatural urge to write more crack fics making fun of other games. It'd be awfully hard to mess up the games she didn't own or found boring. So instead of doing the whole series, she chose but four games… And they were Twilight Princess, Ocarina of Time, The Wind Waker and Spirit Tracks. She felt in an evil mood the day after she started Chapter Seven of ToC and decided to torture Link… By writing them all at once. I welcome you all to the Legend of the Hermaphrodite: Ocarina of Limes.
"Sooo… You bought me three new Zelda games?" the gamer asked, flinching in the corner surrounded by three shiny new game boxes and a very dusty version of ToC with a mallet sticking through Wolf-Link's head. She poked at Ocarina of Time uneasily and the game shot out of its case and into the Wii. It wouldn't eject no matter how many times the gamer pressed 'open'.
"It won't come out until chapter one is over. Don't worry though, it's the GameCube version. It'll work in there. So will The Wind Waker. You have to play Sprit Tracks on the DS though," the author smirked and opened up her Microsoft word document. The gamer gulped.
"You ARE just novelising the games aren't you?" she stuttered, fumbling around on the carpet for the Wii Remote. "This ISN'T going to be another crack fic?"
"You'll see," was the author's only answer. The OoT opening screen flashed on. The Master Quest version looked perfectly normal; however there seemed to be something wrong with Link's face on the regular version of the game.
"It's Master Quest, right?" the gamer asked quickly highlighting it. The author shook her head. The gamer obliged to highlight the real version, afraid of what the author would do to her if she didn't.
"I wouldn't use the rumble feature if I were you," the author warned, "that controller is rabid." The gamer shuddered as the game began.
The Kokiri forest is home to the Kokiri (duh) and the biggest Cannabis Factory in the world. The whole forest is made of Cannabis. Even its guardian, the Great Deku Tree is made of Cannabis. Every night the Kokiri would go and listen to the Great Deku Tree's stories while he exhaled Cannabis fumes for them to take in. Only two Kokiri didn't smoke the weed, and their names were Link and Saria. Saria had a valid reason for not smoking it and that was because she was allergic to faeries. All the Kokiri had faerie companions who were just like an extra appendage. Saria's faerie, Erwin, had to wear a special suit that made her able to hang with Saria without her breaking into hives and doing mad Caramelldancing for seven hours. There was only one suit in the entire universe and if it broke, Erwin would have to DIE. Link was different to all the other Kokiri though. He looked like them and acted like them, but he had no faerie. Many of the Kokiri, especially his arch nemesis Mido, despised of him because of this. He wasn't allowed the Cannabis and had to go to the Sacred Grove at the heart of the Lost Woods and listen to depressing songs that made you want to slit your wrists. It was clear that Saria and Link made up their lost drug time by being emo together and making themselves so suicidal that they used the tree at the entrance of the forest temple to hang Skull kids.
"This IS a crack fic isn't it?" the gamer scorned, giving the author a death glare. The author took out her scarf and tied it round the gamer's mouth.
"Now, get on with the game," she said, grabbing the gamer by the throat. She nodded and got back on with the game.
"Navi, Navi, where for art thou Navi?" The Deku tree called out into the empty night sky. It was clear he read too much Shakespeare and therefore spoke in a Shakespearean tongue. While he was calling, a tiny blue faerie was floating right in front of him, waiting impatiently. She realised that the tree had lost his glasses and had to shout to get him to see her
"HEY! LISTEN! I'M RIGHT HERE YOU SON OF A BIRCH!"
"Worst pun ever," said the Great Deku Tree in an awful Comic Book Guy imitation. Navi pulled out a machine gun.
"What do ya want? I have a tight schedule and I need to stick to it."
"What does this schedule entail?"
"Well, I need to go to the loo."
"You can hold it for a minute can't you?"
"What happened to the Shakespeare?"
"It hurt my throat… Anyway, I need you to go find the cross dressing kid without a faerie and bring him here. It's VERY important. If he doesn't come soon, I'm going to die."
"Good," Navi sneered.
"And the Kokiri will go rabid and kill everyone because they have no cannabis."
"even better."
"And you can NEVER pee again."
Navi flew off to find the boy, fearing that her tiny bladder would explode if she didn't go soon.
Link was asleep, dreaming of bunnies. Bunnies exploding into a million pieces every five seconds. Navi arrived in his room, extremely disturbed by the horrors of Kokiri forest, and sat on his face.
"Hey, listen!"
Link's nose twitched.
"Wake Up!"
He moaned.
"LINK, GET THE FUCK UP!"
It took several hours for Navi to wake Link up. He yawned and rubbed his eyes like there wasn't an obnoxious faerie on his face, trying not to lose her temper. He went cross eyed when the grogginess had passed and swatted at his face.
"Eeeeew, bee!" he squealed in a feminine voice. Navi went flying across his house.
"I'm not a bee, I'm your faerie dumb fuck," she growled, rubbing her head. Link's eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning. He began shaking violently and his pupils went so wide he looked just like Toon Link, save the MASSIVE head.
"Are you sure that's sherbet?" Navi asked, looking at the line of white powder on Link's bed stand. She was soon knocked over again and was being squeezed to death by Link.
"I HAVE A FAERIE! I'M SO HAPPY! I FINALLY GET TO BE GAY!"
"Do you even know what gay means?"
"No, but I know that Mido is."
"Whatever… Stop glomping me."
"Hell no. I love you now."
"Aren't you supposed to be mute? That's what Zelda Wiki said."
"Zelda Wiki LIED."
"NOOOO! MY PRECIOUS INTERNET LIED TO ME!!!! YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY ANYMORE!" Link dropped Navi and backed away slowly, "hey, I'm not finished. We're partners now you deranged little boy. So do me a favour and let's go get you a sword and shield."
"Why do I need those?"
"The script said and the script doesn't lie. Unlike my internet…"
"Okay, let's go get the weapons and forget about the lying internet."
"Yup. Chop, Chop!"
The Kokiri children were happily smoking and humping inanimate objects. Saria had obviously gone near a faerie because she was all red and Caramelldancing. Link sniggered.
"Hi Link…" she groaned, her face so swollen she could barely talk. Link sidled past and then ran.
"So, the shield costs forty rupees. You need to go f…" Link had already run off and was murdering the rock humper to get his money. Eventually, after many tragic and so gory they were censored, kills, Link had forty rupees.
"Where did you get that last one?" Navi asked, only remembering him getting thirty nine.
"I found it in my…"
"Purse?"
"Worse."
"Say no more. Just go buy a stupid shield," Link began to skip off, singing a jaunty tune. Everyone with a brain knew that singing in front of Navi was a bad idea. Link had no brain and therefore wound up with a blackened eye.
"Oooowie, you're so mean!" Link whinged "I hate you, I'm going home!"
"I burned your home," Navi sniggered, holding up a flamethrower with a devious grin on her face.
"I live in a burrow."
"With your bunny friends?"
"Yeah. I eat them."
"You're cracked in the head Link… What are you on?"
"I'm not allowed the cannabis here… Hey, now I have you I can have cannabis!"
"You have to be seventeen."
"Fuck."
"Just go buy your shield,"
How Link actually obtained the shield was horrific. The shop was no more than charred remnants and several MORE Kokiri were dead. To save your tiny minds from the horrors of this paragraph (and in chapter one too) I will just skip to when Link goes to get the sword…
"I can believe you blew up an entire shop just to get a shield… You really ARE deranged… And to think the Great Deku Tree wants YOU," Navi retorted, sitting on Link's head, every so often beating him with her tiny fists. The shield Link had taken was made from cheap and splintery wood that would shatter or burn upon contact with any projectiles hurtled at them. Link seemed oblivious to Navi's constant nagging and continued looking for the sword under insects. The fumes from the weed the Kokiri smoked had got to his head, making him crazy. Any normal person knew that you couldn't get a sword from underneath an insect only the size of your fingernail. Any reader by now would have guessed that Link was not normal. Many of them probably gouged their eyes out with a spoon by reading the title. Or else reading the story's prequel, Twilight on Crack. "Link, do you really think you're going to find a sword under bugs?"
"This is a VIDEO GAME Navi. Anything is possible."
"How do you know my name? I don't recall telling you."
"I read it on your name tag."
"Oh yeah… Look, do the poor gamer a favour and crawl through that hole," Navi pointed to a small hole in the side of a sheer cliff face where many Kokiri went to commit suicide after taking too much heroin from Saria's 'pretty poppy field'. Link crawled through it and got run over by a boulder.
"What kind of idiot let their giant ping pong ball loose? Or is it an angry Goron Twilight on Crack Link threw too hard?"
"ToC isn't that far yet Link. It's a possessed ping pong ball… You must overcome many in order to get the sw…"
"Found it!" Link called, opening a treasure chest. He momentarily lost control of his limbs and found himself thrusting his arms up with the sword hovering just above his palms. A catchy 'dan dan dan daaan' jingle played and an electronic voice went:
"You got the Kokiri sword! It's made from pure Cannabis Plant and clearly has been misused by Mido because he can't get a girl or boyfriend. Use 'B' to swing it… No Link that was not for your sake it was for the gamer," and then it fell onto Link's foot.
"Excellent, you got the sword. I'd learn to catch the item before it falls onto your foot though. They get a lot heavier," Navi warned. Link nodded, rubbing his poor tootsies.
After trekking through many drugged up bodies of Kokiri and bushes of Cannabis plants, Link got to the other end of the forest with the Marijuana Sword and Worthless Shield at arms. Mido stood at the mouth of the entrance to the Great Deku Tree, posing like he had just wet himself. He probably had.
"I can't let you through because you haven't got a faerie," the Kokiri snapped as Link tried to gain entrance.
"Sadly I have…" Link sighed.
"Sword then,"
"Got it."
"Hey, I made love to that, but then it cut my mini-Mido… eeerm… Shield then."
"Got one,"
"Well, you haven't started puberty!"
"The Kokiri never do."
"Fuck…." Mido moved to the side and let Link through, giving him the finger. Link ignored him because ignoring bullies was the best thing to do.
The passage to the Great Deku Tree was fraught with plant monsters. Navi went yellow and called out 'Hey! This is a Deku Baba! Hit it with the drug sword."
"Why?"
"Because it will eat you if you don't," Link hit it making it die.
"I love killing things! Killing is fun on a bun!"
"You're a homicidal maniac. Did you know that?"
"It's impossible not to be when everyone you live with is either emo or drugged up."
"I feel your pain… I've lived with an internet that lied… LIED!" Navi began to have another mental breakdown and Link sauntered off, not wanting to be in range of her tears. They were acidic. And sparkly like Edward.
"Ah, pizza delivery boy you're here at last," the Great Deku Tree grumbled, "you were supposed to be here in thirty minutes or less."
"I'm Link actually…"
"Oh, sorry, I lost my glasses…"
"Trees don't wear glasses. It's not right."
"Says the cross between Peter Pan and Robin Hood."
Pause.
"You couldn't think of a good comeback, thus making me the overall winner!" Link was ready to burn the tree with Navi's miniscule flamethrower when Navi floated in, her breakdown over. If the Great Deku Tree had real eyes, he would have rolled them.
"I got him Tree Man," she announced triumphantly. Link adjusted his skirt and checked his own ass out, which was something he did a lot when the gamer left to go get a chainsaw.
"I see that Navi. Now, I've forgotten when this part comes in to the story so I'll do it now."
"What is it? Is it even relevant?"
"No, I just want to bore you. I'm going to tell you a story no matter what because I am the ALMIGHTY TREE OVERLORD! MUAHAHAHA!" indestructible chains linked Navi and Link to the ground and a cage fell on top of them. Escape was futile. The two would have to endure one of the worst ordeals any game characters would ever face. A boring monologue…
A/N: I hoped you enjoyed this story as much as you seem to like ToC. Look out for Spirit Smack and Wind Breaker, plus the new instalment to Twilight on Crack. Reviews will be greatly appreciated.