AN: This is just a one shot that came to mind when I was watching a youtube video of LOVING ANNABELLE (I know - yikes) with the song PATIENCE by TAKE THAT.
Discalmer : I do not own Rizzoli and Isles
DETECTIVE HETEROSEXUAL and DOCTOR COULD-SWING-BOTH-WAYS (I couldn't help myself. Follow me on tumblr if you like. Some people may know the gifs I'm refering to...lmao) tumblr : ultracollinsj
Maura's POV throughout (except the italics part)
Patience
People always talk about this 'not knowing what you have until it's lost'. That phenomenon never held any relevance to me. Not meaning to sound pompous or anything, but I am a very intelligent person. Which means when I have something, I know exactly what I have. Meaning – when I lose something, I am well aware of it.
Ian.
Three letters attached to a man of no honour. A man who taught me to love, then in turn taught me to hate. The same man whom I first loved, then hated. He dedicated all his time to make me, and took no time at all to break me. That is the phenomenon I cannot comprehend. How an intelligent man like himself can be so wasteful with his time, and so reckless with my heart.
There is one answer to that question, and it is an either-or resolution. Ian either thought me profoundly resourceful, or utterly useless. Not one of these is better than the other mind you. If fact, the closer I look, the more awful the entire situation is. At what point did my life become a 'situation'. I devoted years to trying to find words to describe myself. And over time I came up with plenty-plus. At one time I even considered inventing my own words to combine the mixture of the ones I had come across. But now, it become so simple I don't even have to think about it.
I am Maura Isles. The abandoned daughter of mob boss Paddy Doyle and shady doctor Hope Martin. The adopted daughter of neglectful Constance Isles and never present Desmond Isles. The ex-lover of deceitful Ian Faulkner. The best friend of Jane Rizzoli. The somewhat surrogate daughter of Angela Rizzoli. The chief medical examiner of Massachusetts. The list goes on actually – to being the parent of Bass, Suzie Chang's idol, etc. But there is a major flaw in my definition of myself. I repeat, A MAJOR FLAW!
I'm attached to someone or something every time. I can't stand alone. Or maybe I can, I don't even know. And that's even worse than not actually being able to stand solely.
Ian.
He preyed on me. I can say that now because I know. When it was happening it was under the heading – love. Would you believe it? I was just getting into the world, a budding flower if you may. I was enthusiastic, curious, energetic, innocent, and so many other things. Pasted on anyone else, these would have been good traits, but on me – not so much. Almost like a dress that fits you perfectly but comes in a very unbecoming colour to you.
He took me under his wing. I had just graduated from university. I was entering a world of the unknown, with so many possibilities. It was a pick and choose for me - I had the qualifications, reputation, status, and wealth to back me up. I could have been anyone, done anything, gone anywhere, been with anyone. But out of the infinite possibilities before me, I ended up in Africa, with Doctors without boarders, with Ian Faulkner. Boy was it a dream come true for me, you wouldn't even believe it.
It was in Africa that Ian broke me to bits. I'm not saying I was completely upright, but God knows he torn me to shreds. It was flattering that he double majored in Psychology when I first met him – not so much now. The events go in chronological order, each worse than the one before.
My first incident was being bullied. Here I was thinking I left that at school. Guess I was wrong. A few doctors laughed at my precise terminology and refusal to guess. They called me a know it all, and sabotaged a few of my test results, leaving to be put in an additional mandatory training lecture for accuracy. Then one afternoon when I came back to my tent, I found all my toiletries gone. They stole everything. Another night after our late night checks, I was cornered by a two men who slapped and threw two punches to my stomach. When I thought this was as horrid as it could get, I found myself in some thick woods with a man who groped me mercilessly. He put his filthy lips on me and touched me everywhere, only stopping shy of raping me. After each incident, Ian was there to make everything better. To assure me that bad things happen to good people and that everything would be ok as long as I stood by him. And I did, and things did in fact become alright. Each time I thought I couldn't wake up and face another day, he made it worth it.
He was my hero. My knight in shining armour I believe they call it. I loathe that phrase with all that is within me now. All those tragedy's were attempts to break me – he excelled remarkably. That was the precise period I fell head over heels in love with him. Another phrase I despise to no end – head over heels in love...?
When I had hit rock bottom, absolutely sure I would never recover, Ian came to my rescue. He showed me compassion. He was sweet and tender. Loving, generous and understanding – all the things I needed. He had the right words to say every time, and did the most glorious things imaginable. People would never believe me if I told them, but Ian was the one to take my virginity. I was unconventional in many regards. I always swayed from the norm. I never quite blended in. But sex now as a mature adult...I suppose it's my awkward way of compensating for how long it took me to get into that world.
I experimented with boys, and girls. And basically did everything that didn't include penetration. I was waiting for the right one. And he came (or so I thought), in the form of Ian, when I was 24. He took the last thing that was mine, and I couldn't have been happier.
When he was done with me he told me. When his little experiment produced conclusive results, he needed me no more. He broke up with me in broad day light in the middle of a deserted village in the outskirts of Tanzania. Told me I was too good for him and he wanted me to move on and find someone I deserved. He informed me he was heading to Somalia and didn't want to burden me with the stress borne from long distance relationships. So, as was his intention, he left. Left me gutted and heartbroken with almost no idea what was going on.
It was about a week after his departure when a young Tanzanian man I had fleetingly noticed, approached me. He delivered the news of how Ian had planned all my misfortunes in order for me to fall into his arms. I couldn't comprehend why he would need to break me so thoroughly just so he could have me. I mean, I was kind of his already. But anyway, that was what he wanted, and it was exactly what he did.
That's how I wound up in Boston, working as the Chief M.E. That's how I became part of a Rizzoli family. That's how Jane became the most important person in my life. That's how my life changed for the better. But all that didn't stop me from falling into Ian's arms when he came to Boston. Even the brightest of people can be stupid. I undoubtedly fall into that category. Despite all he had done to me, I still felt something for him. All the anger and disappointment and pain only surfaced when he went away. The moment I see him standing at my door, it goes flying out the window.
Jane.
The one person I love more than Ian, I have never told this. I couldn't really understand why in the beginning. Maybe I was always scared of what she would think of me. But when I seriously thought about it one day, and allowed myself to be truthful, I found the answer. I couldn't keep Ian away because of my own weaknesses. And if Jane learned about what Ian had done to me, she would never let him see the light of day. Which means Ian would never come to Boston again. I haven't reached that level of readiness yet. Part of me still needs him- in the physical sense.
I couldn't let myself do studies on the subject in great length, I was always afraid of what I would learn. I hypothesized and concluded in my head that I feel this way about Ian for three reasons, and three reasons alone. He took my virginity. He was the first person I fell in love with. He broke me, and built me up again. And the sad thing about the whole thing is that NONE of those things can be changed.
Ian came to Boston two days ago, for what I can only hope was the last time (for his sake). He stayed for a whole day, as usual. And we engaged in our usual activities – sex, and more sex. And when he left this morning, the same thing that happens every time he leaves happened. I curled myself in my walk-in closet going through the diaries I had kept during our blissful turned bitter time together, and the photographic evidence to go with it. The hate that rages within me when he is absent returned full force again. Except this time, Jane knocked on my door.
Earlier that day...
''I know you aren't gonna sit there all day and not say anything''
''Ma….''
''What? I can see you are clearly itching to get something off your chest. Better just say it''
Jane sank further into the chair. She was sitting at her kitchen island while her mother made her something to eat, as usual. (She briefly wondered how in hell she had lost her 'baby-fat')
''I don't know how to begin'', she was now violently tapping her foot on the floor. She needed to speak with someone, and in this case her mother was the only option.
''Is it Maura?'', Angela knew. She just preferred to get to it fast, patients wasn't really her forte.
''NO!'', Jane said too quickly. Which to Angela (and sadly her), translated to a yes.
''Please don't tell me you fought again, because I haven't seen you together since the day before yesterday'', when Jane was about to speak she quickly added. ''and to prove my point, you aren't with her now, as you always are''
Ian…..
…..Jane said to herself. Only to find out she had said it out loud – bitterly as well.
''Oh'', Angela said unsurprised. It was no secret that the only thing that kept Jane and Maura apart was Casey Jones and Ian Faulkner. Those were the two exceptions, for whatever reason. When Casey was around, Maura played 'back-up singer'. When Ian was around, Jane played 'show-extra'. It was very depressing to watch, for those on the side lines – Angela, Korsak, Frankie, Frost- especially.
Silence loomed over them, neither knowing how to proceed. Angela, out of pure impatience, steeled herself and started.
''You should just tell her''
''What?'', Jane raised her voice, and head – meeting her mother's unwavering eye.
''You should just tell her you love her and quit playing this tug-of-war game. Its making everyone dizzy''
''Ma, seriously….'making everyone dizzy'? And who the hell is everyone anyway?''
''The people in your life Jane. Watching you two running around like love sick puppies is tiresome. She isn't going to tell you Jane. You need to step up''
What was the point of denying it anyway…..?
''Why do you think she won't tell me? Maybe I need to give her some time'', Jane dodged.
''It's been years Jane. How much more time do you think she needs?'', Angela spoke understandingly. ''Ian is back again. And he will come again. Until he comes and finally stays for good. Is that when you want to finally step up? So you can start making her choose and get her all confused? If it's not Ian, then it will be another man, or woman, and you are going to hate yourself''
''Maybe she's not ready. Maybe that's why she hasn't said anything'', Jane tried uselessly to dodge again.
''It's not launching a space shuttle Jane. What does she need to be ready for? She already loves you, and so do you. Just tell her Janie. If she isn't 'ready', as you say, then let her tell you that and stop all this assuming''
Jane let the words sink in a little.
''How did you know I love her?''
Angela actually laughed a little. ''I had my suspicions, but I was certain after she was arrested''. Jane looked up at her mother, instantly feeling guilty for the way she had treated her when Maura was jailed. ''you were willing to go to jail for a whole year for her Jane. And the way you looked at me when I came here that night. I have never seen so much hate directed at me before-''
''Ma-''
''Don't apologize Jane. You just love her, and that's not a crime. But anyway, that's how I was assured you really really loved her. And I'm sorry for what I did Jane, it will never happen again''
Jane hugged her mother tightly, grateful she had been sincerely forgiven for her harshness, and showing that she had also forgiven her mother for her unwanted interference.
''Tell her as soon as you can Jane, don't wait because you will regret it''
With those words, Jane spent the rest of the day awaiting evening when she was sure Ian would be gone so she could go to Maura's house and tell her. And when evening came, she did.
I love Jane, and would prefer to be in her company almost always. Now however, is one of the VERY FEW times I would much rather not be in her company. I pep talk myself as I head to open the door for her, willing myself to be put together till she leaves.
''Hi'', she's only said one word but looks at me as if expecting the absolute worst.
''Hi'', I say back.
''Are you ok?'', she knows me too well. As my entire insides are screaming for me to say 'yes', my head is already shaking in the negative and tears are threatening to fall already. I move to the side and Jane tentatively makes her way inside, clearly bracing herself for whatever bad news I have to say.
However, something happened between the seconds we walked from the entrance to my living room. Suddenly Jane is upset; I can't say for sure where it's all coming from. I am momentarily frightened that I have unknowingly missed something, until she starts speaking.
''I don't like Ian'', she began calmly. ''For many reasons'', that part was added dangerously low.
''I know'', it wasn't really a surprising revelation. Jane used enough actions/gestures without needing any words.
''I can't promise to be quiet about it the next time he chooses to come around''
''Jane'', why was I warning her again? Yes, I still wanted (needed?) Ian to come around.
''Please let me finish Maura, before I lose my nerve'', she was pleading with me, and God knows I could never deny Jane anything.
''Sorry, go ahead'', I say shamefully.
Jane took a deep breath and began the sentences that would change her life forever. ''I love you Maur, way past friendship. I love you, like 'want-to-be-with-you', love you. And it kills me every time Ian comes around. I'm not exactly innocent in that department I know. What you have with Ian is almost the same as what I have with Casey. And as crazy as this sounds, I am happy we have that with them. Because I would die if that was between US instead. I want more for us, something proper. Not these 'love of our lives' who live continents away and pull us in when they are in the country then toss us aside when it becomes inconvenient for them. Maura, are you listening?''
I can only assume my countenance showed little understanding. I was lost in a torrid whirlwind, drowning in the deepest of seas, unable to see through the thick fog. Jane couldn't possibly be saying all this to me – NOW. The wounds left by Ian years ago were always fresh right after he left, and instead of Jane's words being the best thing in the world, they were salt to my wounds. And that's when I began to weep openly. How do I tell my best friend, the woman I love, that I can't be with her? How can you love someone and not be able to be with them?
Jane was all understanding. She cooed and soothed me patiently while I cried against her. When I had marginally pulled myself together emotionally, I decided that the only way Jane could understand I couldn't be with her was if I showed her why. So I took her hand in mine and let her to my walk-in closet. The diaries and photographs were scattered haphazardly on the floor.
''I love you Jane, the same way you love me. But I need you to understand that I can't be with you''
''Maura-'', she was about to tell me how she didn't care about my inadequacies and that she would do anything to be with me. I had to stop her before she wasted her time.
''No Jane. Just sit down and have a look ok. I'm sorry I never told you this before. It's something I just couldn't share, even with you''
Curious as ever, Jane adhered to my instructions and sat herself on the floor cross-legged and began perusing through the photographs first. She wore a sour face. I don't blame her. They were pictures of me with Ian from when we first met in university. And the pictures went on until the days I departed Africa. When Jane came to the end, her face looked defeated. In her head (and I know this for sure), she had concluded that this was my way of telling her that I loved her but I loved Ian more. She didn't look at all interested in going through the diaries. Part of me was relieved, and this seemed like an easier escape to live with. I could easily just let Jane believe what she was starting to believe and we could go back to the way our lives were – loving each other from a distance. But I had withheld information from my best friend for far too long; I refuse to do it again. Jane deserved to know the whole truth. So…
''I am going to take a shower, do me a favour Jane'', she was making a move to stand already. ''you will want to sit down for this Jane'', I lightly pushed her back down. ''do me a favour, read through my diaries. You have to know''. I abruptly left. I would have to live with Jane knowing the truth, but the last mental image I wanted was Jane's face as she was met with the truth about my past. She remained reading, while I took a purposely lengthy shower – anything to prolong facing Jane again.
I wrote detailed accounts of everything that happened to me in Africa, and Jane read it all quietly – until she started sobbing. I was sure that she had read the part where I found out that Ian was behind all the ghastly things I had endured. I gave her a moment to herself before walking into my closet – forty minutes after I had left for my shower.
''Can you understand now Jane?''. I hoped she could comprehend my reluctance for a relationship with her now.
I was wrong.
''Why didn't you tell me? All those times I saw him come in and out of your house. For his sake, and maybe mine, I pray he never comes back to Boston. Ever''
Jane is a very emotional person. Most of her emotions are magnified and laid bare, and she hardly ever feels indifferent about things. And the anger she felt for Ian….I felt sorry for him. Part of me regretted telling her. I suppose I wasn't ready to see Ian suffer for his wrong doings as yet.
Stockholm syndrome – I may have a bit of that.
I quietly watched Jane pack all my thing back into the box they had come from. To my surprise, she didn't return them; she clutched the box tightly in her hands.
''You see this Maura'', she gestured to the box. ''he is going to pay dearly for it. But we'll leave that for when he decides to come back. Right now, I wanna talk to you about us. Your past with Ian, it should have nothing to do with our relationship. I don't wanna let you go because of some jackass who thinks he can do whatever the hell he wants. No Maura. Please don't let him do this''
She was so sincere. It reminded me a little of how Ian was. Particularly the first time he came to Boston and I confronted him about what he did. Gave me some stupid story about how I shouldn't trust African people. I left it at that, because I wanted to believe him, not because I did.
''I'm broken, romantically, if that's even a thing. I don't know that I can do it with you''
''Then try. For me. For us.'', she pleaded.
''My heart is numb to that kind of love Jane. Why do you think I never formed a romantic relationship all these years?''
''You love me Maura'', She delivered it as a solid fact.
''I do'', I said surely.
''So how can your heart be numb?''
''Jane-''
''No. You are fighting it. I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do Maur. And if I was sure you didn't want this, I would drop it''
''I do want it'', I couldn't lie to her. I hung my head in shame and defeat.
''I will help you get through it. Do you trust me? Can you be strong for me?''
''You will have to be patient with me Jane'', I spoke honestly.
''I can do that'', I could see the hope light up her face as she reverently placed the box to the floor and approached me.
''He's the first person I ever fell in love with. I trusted him with everything Jane. I gave him all I had and he betrayed me. He hurt me. He left very deep scars, ones that are still healing. And I don't understand why I can't let go of him…'', Jane took me into her protective arms. She held me so tenderly, acknowledging everything I had said, but refusing to let me go – promising to be patient with me.
''I will wait Maura. But I will wait beside you, I can't promise to give you space while I just look on. I will wait beside you'', she whispered sweetly. I had never heard her use that tone before – I loved it.
''Thank you'', I pulled away and looked into her soul. ''I love you so much Jane''
''I love you too sweetie'', she shakes her head and laughs humourlessly, ''and Ian….so help me God''
Jane becomes what I hate – my knight in shining armour. I'm left to describe us with the very words I despise – head over heels in love. Two phrases I associated with Ian, but they only brought me hurt. Now they apply to Jane, and they have never been more wonderful and accurate. God help Ian if he ever comes back again.
AN: I have thoroughly brain stormed – I shall not be writing anymore chapters of ''Friendship or love?'', I couldn't come up with anything creative to write. I'm also on tumblr - ultracollinsj - Follow me if you like. I swear tumblr kills me, there is so much interesting Rizzles stuff i hardly know what to do with myself.
Again - I am humbled by your lovely words. Thank you for your kindness and support, and for reading and reviewing, it means a lot - for real.