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"When are you going to stop being such a pain Dante? When are you going to stop whining about how bad your job is, stop dating women who are only out to get your dick or your cash, AND WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SETTLE DOWN AND GET MARRIED LIKE THE REST OF YOUR BROTHERS?" was the usual speech Dante got from his Dad every time he would go to visit his parents and join them for Sunday dinner. His routine reply would usually just be a smile, a nod and a prayer for divine assistance for the next two hours. Ironically, Dante had not been doing much dating lately, The Boss had him working oppressive hours for the last few months at both the Quick Stop and RST Video Rental ever since Randal had got fired. Apparently, when Randal had slapped that restraining order on Jay and Silent Bob, business had dropped dramatically. The local pot smokers who purchased from the two junkies were the core of the customers that would actually shop at Quick Stop and rent from RST, and the people who did not buy pot from Jay and Silent Bob would just stop by to watch the two junkies for free entertainment and would go and rent a video or buy something for fear of being charged with loitering. What also made Dante feel that his life was some big joke for someone else's amusement was the fact that Wanda made him feel sexy like Caitlin Brie, but in a really bad way. Wanda was a fifty-something ex-hooker who had for some strange reason decided that Dante was the man of her dreams. She had somehow figured out his work schedule and would come in almost on a daily basis, rent something or buy something, make a sexual innuendo with a playful look in her eyes and leave, glancing up and down Dante's body and making him feel naked and violated. It had been another day like any other day at Quick Stop and Dante was glad that it was over and that he could get back to his apartment, get some sleep, come back tomorrow, work another shift at that pathetic little convenience store and suffer through stupid customers, the shenanigans of the no longer restrained Jay and Silent Bob and not enjoy another uncomfortable encounter with Wanda. He dragged himself to his car, waved goodbye to the two junkies and their monkey, who were on their way to the bar, and drove back to his building. He dragged himself up the stairs to his door, unlocked it and dragged himself in. Randal was there like he always was, sitting in his recliner in front of the TV with a movie to watch. After he lost his job, Randal had conned Dante into letting him bunk for a couple of nights at Dante's recently acquired apartment. Those couple of nights became a few months, Randal had given up on finding a new job and decided to enjoy the obscurity of keeping the place clean, doing the grocery shopping, fixing anything that got broken and mostly just sitting around and watching movies. Dante almost wanted to get rid of him, but the pity he felt in his heart for Randal was greater than his desire to throw him out. Randal made no response when Dante entered, he was off in his own little world playing God, he could manipulate time by either rewinding or fast forwarding, he knew how everything was going to turn out in the end, he could tell people what they should be doing and know that they were not going to listen and he could cause the apocalypse at the press of the Stop button. Just as Dante was about to sit down and join in on the movie with his micro waved TV dinner, the phone rang. Dante picked it up.
"Hello, Oh hi boss! What? You hired someone. You are giving me the day off tomorrow. Thanks! Thanks a lot!!"
"So what are you going to do with a day off?"
"Huh?" Dante had not been expecting any kind of sign of life or even a word from Randal until his movie was over. "I dunno", was Dante's immediate response.
"Howzabout you tag along with me then?"
"But all you do is sit around this place and go to the grocery store."
"Not everyday", Randal replied and then he went back to watching his film to indicate that it was the end of the conversation.
Wanda was having an average day as far as she was concerned. Except, she did not want to have an average day. It was the early afternoon and she was intent on doing two things. Buying a pack of smokes and the cute guy behind the counter of the Quick Stop convenience store. She walked up to the store and stopped in front of Jay and Silent Bob and handed them a large paper bag.
"Here's some lunch for you and your quiet friend you little Shit Machine!"
"Thanks Mom!" Jay replied.
"Get laid a couple of times Dammit! I WANT SOME GRANDCHILDREN!!!" She stomped off.
"AS SOON AS JUSTICE IS OUT OF THE PEN!!!" Jay shouted back. Silent Bob gave Jay a look and a couple of gestures. "Yeah yeah yeah, letting her move in with us after we made that fortune off the Bluntman and Chronic movie may have been our biggest fucking mistake ever, but we get lunch delivered to us and she is my Mom after all." Silent Bob nodded and helped himself to a sandwich.
Dante could not figure out what Randal was up to. So far their day had been spent in the park, and playing rollerblade hockey with Dante's teammates. Now they were in Dante's car going who knows where and Randal was only giving him directions when they came to intersections. Before long they had left the suburbs of Leonardo, Tri-town New Jersey and were in the surrounding countryside. Randal directed Dante up a hill and they drove upwards for what felt like hours until Randal called for a stop. Randal got out of the car and began walking, Dante followed. When the march was over they were both seated at the top of a cliff and they could see all of the Tri-town area below them. Randal appeared very calm just sitting there and staring at it with the same totally absorbed stare he used when he watched a movie. Dante decided to break the silence.
"OK, why are we here?"
"Why indeed." Randal replied.
"Huh? Wait a minute! You are trying to trick me into doing something or saying something stupid aren't you?"
"Nope."
"Then why did you want to come here?"
"Ah, finally!" Randal said with a pleased tone. "You are beginning to ask the questions that will get you the answers you want. I wanted to come out here to get a good look at this place you and I have called home." Randal began looking at the sky.
"It is just a small speck in the big universe, but this place is the universe as far as most of us are concerned." He did not say another word, and they spent the rest of the afternoon looking at the sky and the Tri- town area.
Holden McNeil could not believe his lousy luck. His comicbook "Chasing Amy" and anything else he had created recently had not sold well enough to pay the rent and the other bills, so he had to find another means of income until he could get a job in a studio or pull together enough money to print anything that might bring him the same success as Bluntman and Chronic had. Fortunately he had found that source of income and fate in its eternal sarcasm had brought him here. He was working as a clerk at the Quick Stop in the neighbourhood where he had grown up and he was not pleased about it at all. He had put up with so many stupid people today that he was about to scream. Wanda walked in and did not say a word. She was a little disappointed that Dante was not working behind the counter but the new guy looked sort of like Ben Afflek, so she figured she would make the most of the situation.
"Pack of smokes please."
"OK."
"Thanks hot stuff" Wanda replied with a warm yet ravenous smile.
Holden was speechless. First, because some fifty year old was looking at him like as if he was food. Second, because that was probably the best conversation he'd had all day, and he was completely dumbfounded. Wanda sensed that this was her chance, took Holden's hand in hers and placed them on her recently enhanced features that her son's money had gotten her.
"So, you want to take a break from this boring job of yours with me?" she asked sweetly.
"Why not." Holden answered.
The day was almost over and the sun had already set. Dante and Randal were on their way back to their apartment when they both noticed that there was an ambulance parked in front of the Quick Stop and RST. A covered body was being loaded into the back. Dante stopped the car and both him and Randal went over to see what was going on. As the ambulance door closed they noticed that some man in his mid-twenties was sitting next to the covered body in a catatonic shock. As the ambulance pulled away with it's sirens blaring they heard someone sobbing, they turned around and noticed that the sobs were coming from Jay as Silent Bob and their monkey tried to comfort him.
"What happened?" Dante asked
"My Mom died", Jay sobbedly answered. "She was screwing the new guy and she had a heart attack!"
"I'm sorry for you."
"Why should you fucking care?! The only reason she kept on going into the Quick Stop was to fuck you, you fucking damn Clerk!! And you kept on turning her down!!!"
"Your Mom was Wanda!"
"Hey, Take it easy you two." Silent Bob said. "At least she died the way she probably wanted to." The mostly quiet man's words brought a smile to Jay's tear soaked face and gave Dante and Randal the oppourtunity to quickly agree, get back into the car and make a quick getaway.
When they got back to their apartment building, Randal decided to go up to the roof instead of following Dante through the apartment door. Dante wondered what Randal was up to and went up to the roof and found Randal standing uncomfortably close to the edge.
"What are you doing?" Dante queried.
"Going home."
"Omigod! No! Don't jump, get away from the edge you stupid asshole!!" Dante rushed forward to pull his friend away from the roof's edge. Randal lifted one hand, made a motion like a Jedi Knight, and somehow stopped Dante cold without touching him. "I said I was going home, not killing myself", Randal sighed. A beam of light shot down from the heavens, he jumped into it and began floating upwards.
"Just remember that life does not always end on a downer my true friend", Randal shouted as he ascended upwards. "Oh yeah, and may the Force be with you". Dante watched in hushed awe as his friend disappeared and a comet streaked across the starry night sky.
"When are you going to stop being such a pain Dante? When are you going to stop whining about how bad your job is, stop dating women who are only out to get your dick or your cash, AND WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SETTLE DOWN AND GET MARRIED LIKE THE REST OF YOUR BROTHERS?" was the usual speech Dante got from his Dad every time he would go to visit his parents and join them for Sunday dinner. His routine reply would usually just be a smile, a nod and a prayer for divine assistance for the next two hours. Ironically, Dante had not been doing much dating lately, The Boss had him working oppressive hours for the last few months at both the Quick Stop and RST Video Rental ever since Randal had got fired. Apparently, when Randal had slapped that restraining order on Jay and Silent Bob, business had dropped dramatically. The local pot smokers who purchased from the two junkies were the core of the customers that would actually shop at Quick Stop and rent from RST, and the people who did not buy pot from Jay and Silent Bob would just stop by to watch the two junkies for free entertainment and would go and rent a video or buy something for fear of being charged with loitering. What also made Dante feel that his life was some big joke for someone else's amusement was the fact that Wanda made him feel sexy like Caitlin Brie, but in a really bad way. Wanda was a fifty-something ex-hooker who had for some strange reason decided that Dante was the man of her dreams. She had somehow figured out his work schedule and would come in almost on a daily basis, rent something or buy something, make a sexual innuendo with a playful look in her eyes and leave, glancing up and down Dante's body and making him feel naked and violated. It had been another day like any other day at Quick Stop and Dante was glad that it was over and that he could get back to his apartment, get some sleep, come back tomorrow, work another shift at that pathetic little convenience store and suffer through stupid customers, the shenanigans of the no longer restrained Jay and Silent Bob and not enjoy another uncomfortable encounter with Wanda. He dragged himself to his car, waved goodbye to the two junkies and their monkey, who were on their way to the bar, and drove back to his building. He dragged himself up the stairs to his door, unlocked it and dragged himself in. Randal was there like he always was, sitting in his recliner in front of the TV with a movie to watch. After he lost his job, Randal had conned Dante into letting him bunk for a couple of nights at Dante's recently acquired apartment. Those couple of nights became a few months, Randal had given up on finding a new job and decided to enjoy the obscurity of keeping the place clean, doing the grocery shopping, fixing anything that got broken and mostly just sitting around and watching movies. Dante almost wanted to get rid of him, but the pity he felt in his heart for Randal was greater than his desire to throw him out. Randal made no response when Dante entered, he was off in his own little world playing God, he could manipulate time by either rewinding or fast forwarding, he knew how everything was going to turn out in the end, he could tell people what they should be doing and know that they were not going to listen and he could cause the apocalypse at the press of the Stop button. Just as Dante was about to sit down and join in on the movie with his micro waved TV dinner, the phone rang. Dante picked it up.
"Hello, Oh hi boss! What? You hired someone. You are giving me the day off tomorrow. Thanks! Thanks a lot!!"
"So what are you going to do with a day off?"
"Huh?" Dante had not been expecting any kind of sign of life or even a word from Randal until his movie was over. "I dunno", was Dante's immediate response.
"Howzabout you tag along with me then?"
"But all you do is sit around this place and go to the grocery store."
"Not everyday", Randal replied and then he went back to watching his film to indicate that it was the end of the conversation.
Wanda was having an average day as far as she was concerned. Except, she did not want to have an average day. It was the early afternoon and she was intent on doing two things. Buying a pack of smokes and the cute guy behind the counter of the Quick Stop convenience store. She walked up to the store and stopped in front of Jay and Silent Bob and handed them a large paper bag.
"Here's some lunch for you and your quiet friend you little Shit Machine!"
"Thanks Mom!" Jay replied.
"Get laid a couple of times Dammit! I WANT SOME GRANDCHILDREN!!!" She stomped off.
"AS SOON AS JUSTICE IS OUT OF THE PEN!!!" Jay shouted back. Silent Bob gave Jay a look and a couple of gestures. "Yeah yeah yeah, letting her move in with us after we made that fortune off the Bluntman and Chronic movie may have been our biggest fucking mistake ever, but we get lunch delivered to us and she is my Mom after all." Silent Bob nodded and helped himself to a sandwich.
Dante could not figure out what Randal was up to. So far their day had been spent in the park, and playing rollerblade hockey with Dante's teammates. Now they were in Dante's car going who knows where and Randal was only giving him directions when they came to intersections. Before long they had left the suburbs of Leonardo, Tri-town New Jersey and were in the surrounding countryside. Randal directed Dante up a hill and they drove upwards for what felt like hours until Randal called for a stop. Randal got out of the car and began walking, Dante followed. When the march was over they were both seated at the top of a cliff and they could see all of the Tri-town area below them. Randal appeared very calm just sitting there and staring at it with the same totally absorbed stare he used when he watched a movie. Dante decided to break the silence.
"OK, why are we here?"
"Why indeed." Randal replied.
"Huh? Wait a minute! You are trying to trick me into doing something or saying something stupid aren't you?"
"Nope."
"Then why did you want to come here?"
"Ah, finally!" Randal said with a pleased tone. "You are beginning to ask the questions that will get you the answers you want. I wanted to come out here to get a good look at this place you and I have called home." Randal began looking at the sky.
"It is just a small speck in the big universe, but this place is the universe as far as most of us are concerned." He did not say another word, and they spent the rest of the afternoon looking at the sky and the Tri- town area.
Holden McNeil could not believe his lousy luck. His comicbook "Chasing Amy" and anything else he had created recently had not sold well enough to pay the rent and the other bills, so he had to find another means of income until he could get a job in a studio or pull together enough money to print anything that might bring him the same success as Bluntman and Chronic had. Fortunately he had found that source of income and fate in its eternal sarcasm had brought him here. He was working as a clerk at the Quick Stop in the neighbourhood where he had grown up and he was not pleased about it at all. He had put up with so many stupid people today that he was about to scream. Wanda walked in and did not say a word. She was a little disappointed that Dante was not working behind the counter but the new guy looked sort of like Ben Afflek, so she figured she would make the most of the situation.
"Pack of smokes please."
"OK."
"Thanks hot stuff" Wanda replied with a warm yet ravenous smile.
Holden was speechless. First, because some fifty year old was looking at him like as if he was food. Second, because that was probably the best conversation he'd had all day, and he was completely dumbfounded. Wanda sensed that this was her chance, took Holden's hand in hers and placed them on her recently enhanced features that her son's money had gotten her.
"So, you want to take a break from this boring job of yours with me?" she asked sweetly.
"Why not." Holden answered.
The day was almost over and the sun had already set. Dante and Randal were on their way back to their apartment when they both noticed that there was an ambulance parked in front of the Quick Stop and RST. A covered body was being loaded into the back. Dante stopped the car and both him and Randal went over to see what was going on. As the ambulance door closed they noticed that some man in his mid-twenties was sitting next to the covered body in a catatonic shock. As the ambulance pulled away with it's sirens blaring they heard someone sobbing, they turned around and noticed that the sobs were coming from Jay as Silent Bob and their monkey tried to comfort him.
"What happened?" Dante asked
"My Mom died", Jay sobbedly answered. "She was screwing the new guy and she had a heart attack!"
"I'm sorry for you."
"Why should you fucking care?! The only reason she kept on going into the Quick Stop was to fuck you, you fucking damn Clerk!! And you kept on turning her down!!!"
"Your Mom was Wanda!"
"Hey, Take it easy you two." Silent Bob said. "At least she died the way she probably wanted to." The mostly quiet man's words brought a smile to Jay's tear soaked face and gave Dante and Randal the oppourtunity to quickly agree, get back into the car and make a quick getaway.
When they got back to their apartment building, Randal decided to go up to the roof instead of following Dante through the apartment door. Dante wondered what Randal was up to and went up to the roof and found Randal standing uncomfortably close to the edge.
"What are you doing?" Dante queried.
"Going home."
"Omigod! No! Don't jump, get away from the edge you stupid asshole!!" Dante rushed forward to pull his friend away from the roof's edge. Randal lifted one hand, made a motion like a Jedi Knight, and somehow stopped Dante cold without touching him. "I said I was going home, not killing myself", Randal sighed. A beam of light shot down from the heavens, he jumped into it and began floating upwards.
"Just remember that life does not always end on a downer my true friend", Randal shouted as he ascended upwards. "Oh yeah, and may the Force be with you". Dante watched in hushed awe as his friend disappeared and a comet streaked across the starry night sky.