Summary: Don't you just hate it when you fall into one of those plots were all the virgins are going to get sacrificed, and you just happen to be the only damn virgin around?
Author's notes: This story is now over six years old, and I only just now realised that I'd never posted in up on FFNet. Oops?
A Very Serious Story Wherein Ryuuji Is A Virgin.
Ryuuji was having one of those days where the entire world seemed to be conspiring against him. First, his morning had been absolutely ruined when he couldn't find the particular dice earring that he had wanted to wear. It did not matter that, as according to Honda, all of his dice earrings happened to look exactly the same, he had wanted that earring at that moment, and that the fates had so cruelly worked against him was NOT the perfect way to start the day off.
Naturally, it had all gone devastatingly down hill from there. Someone had keyed his car. He'd only had three (three!) people pinch his arse on the way to work. He'd somehow managed to get his finger knotted in a strand of his hair while flirting with a cute underling, and had not been able to detangle himself for nearly three hours.
Life. Conspiracy. It had to be. Ryuuji didn't have bad days, they were forced upon him by those jealous of his perfection.
How all that had somehow managed to snowball from 'I, the world, officially hate thee, Ryuuji Otogi, and shall now commence tormenting you' to 'Shit, even I wouldn't go that far, you're on your own now - The World', Otogi would never know. In fact, he was still trying to figure out how exactly he'd ended up tied to a sandstone pillar in the middle of a desert, being danced around by practically naked men that Otogi would probably find vaguely attractive if it wasn't for the fact that they were intent on sacrificing him to some stupid god with an unpronounceable name.
"Are you sure he's a virgin?" One of the dancers asked, pausing in mid-step to glare uncertainly at Ryuuji. "He looks kind of … slutty."
Oh, that was just brilliant. Now his fashion sense was being insulted by a guy who was wearing what was basically a thong, and one that did absolutely nothing for his skin tone.
And leather wasn't slutty. It was suggestive. Morons.
"The scriptures said that a virgin would be delivered from the heavens." The one who appeared to be the head priest – or at least, that was what the name tag attached to his thong proclaimed, Ryuuji did not want to know what the hell the title was referring to if he wasn't – gingerly approached Ryuuji, only to receive a swift kick to the shins and a snarl when he got too close. "And he certainly did fall. And from the sky."
Which would explain the lump on his head, if not the tiny detail of exactly how he'd managed to fall from the sky into a desert that certainly wasn't in Japan, when the last thing he could remember was poring himself a cup of coffee in his office.
"Well, at least he's got a bit of fat on him, so even if he doesn't turn out to be a virgin, we'll still have a decent meal." Ok. That guy was so dead once he freed himself from these bounds. Nobody, nobody implied that Ryuuji was anything but of a perfect physique. There was having a death wish, and there was carving your own cross and hanging yourself from it. In fact, Ryuuji was so busy planning ways to torture the little under-dressed troll, that it was not until a burning branch was put far too close for comfort that he remembered his current state of pre-BBQness.
It was then - and only then, mind you - that Ryuuji let out what quite possibly could be almost described as a slightly girly scream. This was not something he did often, naturally, being a very masculine type of person, but he felt vaguely reassured that anyone in his position would have broken the exact same decimal levels as he had done.
The dancing people certainly seemed impressed. Or horrified.
"You are certain he is a male virgin, right?"
Luckily for Dancing Naked Guy: Number Four, the roar of an engine managed to drown out Ryuuji's (witty, clever, completely scathing) response. As a blazing motorcycle sped across the sands towards them, Ryuuji's captors watched on first in awe, then fear, as the bike managed to knock over not only the protective magical stones that were supposed to keep all evil beings away, but three of the worshipers as well.
It was, even Ryuuji had to admit, quite an entrance.
Coming to a stop no more than three or four meters in front of Ryuuji, the rider paused (or, quite possibly, posed) for a moment, before removing his helmet with a flourish, revealing a rather attractive looking Honda. Whether Honda had always been attractive and Ryuuji was only just now noticing, or instead was simply made more attractive by the fact he was fully clothed, Ryuuji did not really stop to ponder.
"I am here to rescue you, fair maiden."
And. Well. Honda was wearing a leather jacket, had just made one hell of an entrance, and was looking rather sexy with his hair mussed up like that. Ryuuji would forgive the fairytale crap for now.
"My prince and his mighty stead." He practically purred in response, noting privately to ask Honda later exactly how he'd managed to find him in this strange, non-Japanese desert. Long legs swung over the bike as Honda stood, and Ryuuji found that he could not help but sweep his eyes up them, passed rugged ankle boats, well fitting, worn jeans that were fraying slightly at the knees –
"Honda," Ryuuji asked with a quiet deadliness as his saviour to be stopped just inches before him. "Why are you wearing your underpants over your jeans?" Honda blinked twice before replying.
"That's what all super-heroes do, Ryuuji-kun." Honda shook his head in amusement before reaching up to untie Ryuuji's bindings.
"Stop." Ryuuji ordered, his tone icy. "I've changed my mind." Honda turned confused eyes in his direction, hands hovering over the knots.
"What exactly do you mean, you've 'changed your mind'?"
"Exactly that. You can go home, I don't want you to save me."
"You … what?"
"Listen, Honda," Ryuuji sighed irritably, levelling the other boy with a look of disdain. "I know that, considering the company I keep, this might come as a surprise, but I do have a little thing called 'standards'. And I absolutely refuse to lower them to such a level where being saved by an idiot who can't even dress himself properly is even considered an option."
"Let me get this right," Honda managed to say after a few minutes battling with apparent disbelief. "You would rather be roasted to death than be saved with me, because of my fashion sense?"
"Precisely. Now, move. You're embarrassing me."
"Are, are you sure?" Honda backed up a few steps, uncertainty plain. "Maybe if I just go, I don't know, wait over there, or something. Just in case you change your mind."
"I doubt it," Ryuuji muttered under his breath, before sighing. "Alright. But stand far back enough so that no-one realises that I know you." The things Ryuuji did for friendship. "No, further," he commanded when Honda had the nerve to stop only about 10 meters away. "Further." Considering that Ryuuji was letting the brunette stay for his own sake, Honda was hardly coming across as co-operative. Finally though, Honda was a good 20 or so meters away, and while that was still not far enough for Ryuuji's liking as he could still see those damn underwear, it was just about far enough that any random desert walking passer-by might not make a connection between the pair.
"Well?" Ryuuji demanded, turning his attention back to his sacrificers, who were currently looking rather horrified. "Get dancing, again. Surely there are others things you all must have planned for after you've finished sacrificing me. And, you!" He pointed to the third dancer on the right. "Pick it up a bit. You're not appeasing any god dancing like that." Finally satisfied, Ryuuji let out a small huff of disapproval. His proper saviour had better show up sometime soon, Ryuuji was worried about the amount of brain cells that he was losing just being surrounded by these imbeciles.
As fire began to once again flicker at his toes, Ryuuji stopped worrying so much about his brain cells and more about the fact his shoes were slowly started to melt. Honda waved meekly at him, mouthing the word 'now?', and was rewarded only with an angry glare.
Come on, sexy, non-comic book geek hero. Anytime now.
The next time he let out a yelp it was not because the fire had progressed further, but because he had very suddenly – and inexplicably – become drenched in water.
On the plus side, the fire was out.
On the negative side, Ryuuji was now soaked to the skin and none to happy about it.
On the 'now you are going to die a horrible death' side? The fact Jounouchi was standing proudly in front of him, a large (and now empty) bucket in hand.
"You are so dead," he hissed through clattering teeth. Jounouchi just smiled broadly, before sitting down at Ryuuji's feet. While Ryuuji was not one to argue over the fact that that was surely the most appropriate place for the mutt to be, he couldn't help but worry when Jounouchi pulled out an overly large piece of paper.
"You know, Otogi, I've always appreciated your business skills." Ryuuji snorted at that, wondering what the hell the idiot was up to and why he hadn't untied him yet. "So, when I was informed that you were a virgin (and really, who would have thought?) in need of saving, I thought to myself, Jounouchi, you sexy thing you, while you make a dashing hero and will obviously be worshiped as a god by Ryuuji when you save him, why not go into all this with a specific plan for repayment?"
"You do know that people who talk to themselves are generally considered insane?" Ryuuji warned darkly.
"Do you want to be saved or not?" Jounouchi replied, his smile turning very much into a smug grin. Ryuuji looked briefly between Jounouchi and Honda, face cringing in disgust. Well, Jounouchi was currently the lesser of two evils. "Go ahead with your demands then, you cretin."
"Cretin, ooh. That's not nice. Number one on the list: no nicknames. Especially dog related ones. Number Two: You must wear the dog suit for a week. To school." Jounouchi grinned evilly, causing Ryuuji to wince. Still though, even the dog suit was better than being saved by someone wearing underpants over their clothes … "Number three. You must clean my room, especially my closet. You should be able to get it all done in three or four days, as long as you don't expect to sleep during that period."
"Yes, yes." Ryuuji interrupted impatiently. "Clean your room. No insults. Dog suit. I've got that, what I don't have is all damn day. Skip to the 'sacrifice sense of good taste and lose my virginity to you' bit, already." Jounouchi looked up at him, startled.
"Uh, that's not on the list."
"All right, then," Ryuuji replied with a dangerous slowness. "Then skip to the part where I have to humiliate myself by being your sex slave for some predetermined period."
"That's … kinda not on the list, either."
Ryuuji growled.
"Jounouchi just read out the part that references any kind of sexual interaction." Jounouchi frowned.
"Otogi, why the hell would I want anything to do with you sexually? Ew." Jounouchi looked disgusted by the mere thought.
Ew? Ew?
"Are you saying," Ryuuji's tone was deceptively level. "Are you saying that you do not find me attractive? At all?"
"I've never really thought about it."
"Jounouchi, look at me. I am currently tied to a pillar. I'm wearing leather pants, I am drenched in water to such an extent that my shirt is clinging so tightly to my chest that I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to eventually remove it. I am completely helpless and at your disposal. Don't you find this all the tiniest bit … suggestive?"
"Actually, now that you mention it, I do find it all a little slutty," Jounouchi contemplated, his head slighted tilted to the side. "But, yeah. I just don't find you attractive. Can I finish reading the list now?"
"You bastard," Ryuuji seethed quietly. "You. Fucking. BASTARD!" The last word was screeched out, and accompanied by a harsh kick that managed to catch Jounouchi square in the chest.
"Ouch! Hey, why did you – Shit! Otogi, stop it!"
"Get out! Get OUT! How dare you not want to corrupt me! What kind of hero are you?" Two more kicks, one that managed to clip the brat's head, much to Ryuuji's practically hysterical delight. "Go stand by Honda you evil, evil man! No. Not even beside Honda. Behind him. Wait. Re-light the fire before you go."
And that was how Ryuuji came to be standing in a small blaze of his own making, eyes closed in relief as he welcomed the flames that were slowly beginning to crawl up the pillar and lightly tug at his trousers. He had been wrong to see this as some kind of torture or punishment, it was obvious now that whatever god he was being sacrificed to was actually freeing him from this terrible, horrible world. The group who had originally planned to sacrifice him were long gone, having scattered off sometime during his angry attack on Jounouchi. Honda had only tried once to stupidly attempt to rescue Ryuuji against his own wishes, and was now nursing a black eye.
"This seems to be a rather interesting mess you've gotten yourself into, Otogi."
"Kaiba." Ryuuji didn't even bother to open his eyes. "Fancy finding you here. Who knew a random desert in the middle of nowhere would be such a popular weekend spot for Domino residents?"
"I was just passing through."
"Ah." For several long minutes, the only sound was the crackling of the flames that were slowly starting to become very, very annoying. And hot. With a sigh, Ryuuji's eyes flickered open, silently studying Kaiba. Maybe he should give this one more go. "Ok. Three questions. If you answer them to my satisfaction, I might allow you to save me." Ryuuji took Kaiba's silence as an affirmative. "First. Please tell me that you're not wearing your underwear over the top of any of your clothing." Green eyes scanned the CEO, lingering distrustfully in areas his trench coat covered.
"I'm not wearing underwear at all."
…
That worked.
"Secondly. Do you find me attractive?" And if you don't, prepare for a painful kick to the groin.
Kaiba's eyes narrowed immediately. "Are you questioning my taste?"
Good answer.
"Lastly," Ryuuji concluded, pouting just slightly in a way that he knew damn well was irresistible. "Are you prepared to take me home, corrupt me for hours on end until the word 'virgin' is completely lost from my vocabulary, so that I don't have to go through this god awful nightmare ever again?"
Kaiba smirked suddenly, leaning in towards Ryuuji until their mouths were mere millimetres apart.
"While I do appreciate the scenery," he murmured quietly, eyes drifting downwards before returning to lock with Ryuuji's. "I did not come here just to … look."
"I think you might just do," Ryuuji responded, his voice taking on a husky edge. "You may start your corruption at any time." As Kaiba lowered his lips to Ryuuji's, green eyes slid shut.
Mmm. Kaiba was certainly a good kisser. And it helped that Ryuuji found, when he opened his eyes moments later, that he was no longer tied to a burning pillar, but instead to a very big, very soft bed. Ryuuji smirked up at Kaiba before leaning up to kiss him again.
Oh, this was going to be fun.
After the day he'd just had, it bloody well better be.